Love is hard : a long story

'I'm off to bed' he said.

Her heart was screaming no I want to talk to you. I want to make love and feel you inside me. I want to cry in your arms, be reassured and feel protected just like you promised. But she typed instead : 'Sure habibi everything will be allright- take care and good night!' ( it even rhymes)

Then she let out a primeval wail, breaking the dams in her heart, her eyes overflowed and she thought she would die from the pain that racked her in waves. Her whole body started shaking and she was immediately drenched in sweat. She wanted to crawl under a rock to die, but she died inside one more time. Why does she have to accept this, why should she accomodate him and forgive. He felt guilty, and he was guilty, treason is the ultimate dagger, betrayal is the worst thing one can do, and saying it was unintentional can never be an excuse as long as we have a brain and can make choices. Why should she absolve him so he can go and have a good life with a clean slate while she will remain with the memories and the shadows of a happier time, why make it easy on him? why ? because she loves him and he was banking on that.. He knows her too well....So, while he slept she left him an offline echoing an earlier text message he had sent her last time they met during his visit.

'I guess love IS hard'- then her fingers stopped in mid air as if thinking what to say and she resumed 'you were right yesterday that my downfall and yet most endearing trait is that I let the man feel safe that I wont nag for anything, not even for his love no matter how much I love him because of my stupid principles. Right now all I want to be doing is pillow talk'. She pressed the enter button and waited some more till the physical pain receded so she could actually think with a clear head.

Since then she has not been capable of any work, she sits long hours at the office pretending to carry on important tasks, she attends meetings as a shell because her soul has long since departed. She sits at her computer at home staring into space and wishing for a magic wand, she replies to questions with a resigned attitude. She is fading like a rose without water and her features reflect sadness.

Then she gets up, clenches her fist and thinks 'shame on you, your ancestors would turn in their grave- if they saw what a wimp you have become'. Is it worth fighting for this love? or should she walk away and turn her back - would she let someone else take him so easily after she had been a best friend, sister, mother and lover all in one? will it always be her destiny to hold the man she always pined for only briefly and have another woman take him when he was ready for the plucking? As if he was but a desert mirage.

To forgive or not ?- should that even be a question when one loves? The hurt and the anger says not to, but the part of her that loves him says - have mercy. But who will have mercy on her and comfort her?

If she takes away her forgiveness, professing it loud - he will be cursed like the others. Those men who in their selfishness in search for a two second orgasm killed a nascent dream.

In the past she used to griev, and tried to forget; convincing herself that her soulmate was still around the corner and that he would be the Prince on a white horse the companion of her old age. The man whose babies she will bear and who would be the one to bury her when she dies. Because she intended to die before him. The man with whom she could laugh and cry, an accomplice of some sort, with whom she could be silly- habla, and serious with whom even the silences where full of words. She would listen to his breathing while he slept and she would adore his snoring. She would tremble at the prospect of his touch and would send him cheeky messages if he was away thinking of the one thousand and one ways she would light up his life.

'Don't forgive !' says her friend, be angry, nag and threaten and tell him how much what he did hurts and is not right? 'Be the lady you have always been says' her head, 'keep cool and calm'and everything will fall into place.'

In the previous times, she never looked back until one day the cause of her pain would come and ask for forgiveness - it was an eerie experience and she felt sorry at the state he would be in. His momentary happiness not having lasted long, because breaking a heart or a promise is not easy matter. When she would see how that man she thought was a giant was reduced to a dwarf - she would say thank God I am not the one stuck to this guy. She would grant him forgiveness. This time around it's getting a bit more difficult, she is older and her memory not as elastic enough to blot out the pain. By forgiving she signs her death warrant- can she go through the same process of picking up the pieces on the path to heal her heart! She was young and frail before so she left without putting a fight or was it nasseeb so that she could meet him and he would break her heart too. But why does this need to happen? yes why ? He loves her he says and she loves him back .

She has decided not to exact vengence because that is a bitter medicine, she will forgive because her heart is bigger - because she is a real woman, made of flesh and blood and because she loves him and love requires the ultimate sacrifice- if you think that the object of your life would be happier without you then you learn to let go, even if you know that he is mistaken because his happiness lies with you...

are you getting confused ? come back again to read the stories and judge for yourself.

Pearl's Wisdom

Feeling down lately I've been listening to Nancy Ajram's live album 'El Dounya Helwa' to cheer myself up, when I found myself automatically repeating track number 5- 'illi kan' again and again- but instead of cheering up I started crying.

The words are simply haunting :

اللي كان من قبلك انت
وانت مش جنبي مكنتش عايشة فيه
واللي حيكون بعدك انت لو ماكنتش جنبي
يا ريتني اموت قبليه
انت عارف حبك انت عملي ايه
شفت دنيا احلي م اللي حلمت بيه
مبقتش عارفة انا اتولدت من النهارده
ولا انا لو عشت قبلك عشت ليه ..
احلي حاجة ف عمري حصلت
لما جيت وقولتلي بتحبني
قولي ايه هتمني تاني بعد حبك
يا حبيبي ايه هيهمني
نفسي اعرف بس ايه بيربطني بيك
حاجة اكبر م الغرام شدتني ليك
مبقتش عارفة انا اتولدت من النهارده
ولا انا لو عشت قبلك عشت ليه ..

I then noticed Pearl standing next to me ... looking at me sadly with her big brown eyes and she said but mama : هو خلي يقعد جنبهاعشان ماتموتش
" mama why don't he stay by her side so she doesn't have to die". That was her answer to the refrain يا ريتني اموت قبليه . ... "whatever comes after you, if you are not by my side then may I die before that time comes".

Children understand more than we think and have such simple innocent but logical and true solutions away from all the accumulated prejudices that we acquire when we grow up.

For more Nancy lyrics go to this site.

Story time

Two years ago, I said " If you want to share your story of whatever nature – even gossip at work- dear Libyan ( others are welcome as well) I’m prepared to post it and be discreet about its owner , it would only be for the edification of our readers, plus a problem shared is a problem halved". My inbox has overfilled, yet I've been too lazy to post more of your emails.

Since I fancy myself a novelist and aspiring writer - I'm going to share the ones I've collected with the other readers- so watch this space again as Violet is back !

Taxis and love stories

Taxi drivers are the same anywhere in the world, and those in Libya do not differ from those in Bangkok it seems with their wish to talk with their customers. Either that or I must be attracting the weirdest characters.


Today since my car was scheduled to be serviced I decided to use a taxi for my various errands. I hailed a cab to return home and usually I like to make my phone calls in the car as this saves time. I left a message on my friend's answer machine and was telling Pearl on the other line that I will soon be home when the driver - let's call him X interrupts me :

Miss - I'd like to take your opinion about something that concerns me and which I believe that you can help me decide on...

me: go ahead

X: I work in a company - this driving thing is a part time job only to make ends meet- and I became involved with a colleague who is already engaged to someone.

me: OK

X: I mean nothing haram - but it started as a friendship and colleagues supporting each other at work and seems to have developped into caring for each other or maybe what they call love ( he is saying this really shyly) - I mean don' t take me wrong but I think I understood that the fiance was forced on her and well anyway now I cannot imagine myself without her.

me ( putting my sunglasses on to cover my eyes as I became uncomfortable) : OK so what can I do for you ?

X: well you see we kind of had a fight and now she is not picking up the phone and sometimes she does pick it up - and you know the more I don't talk to her the more I miss her.

me : OK - ( I guess he just wants someone to share his story with )

X : well - to be honest I love her very much and would marry her straight away if she breaks up her engagement.

me : how generous of you - ok so what's the problem ?

X: the thing is Im afraid that if I marry her I would not be able to help myself to doubt her..

me: now we're talking ..what do you mean?

X: well Im scared that I may be thinking that since she spoke to me while she was engaged she may talk to another man when we are married... are girls like that ? I mean you know you are one..

me : no I am not one , don't bring me as an example so what's your point ?

X: sorry no offense meant I just wanted your opinion - you females talk to each other and maybe you can give me some advice.

me: well this is not about me so don't drag me in it- but basically you love this woman to the point of wanting to marry her and yet despite that you are admitting you most likely will not trust her not to cheat on you since she is 'cheating' on the fiance she does not love even though all you are doing is talking ? and you want me to put your conscience at rest?
Sorry my advice - is twofold : (1) let her ditch her fiance and you marry her and live happily ever after and stop the evil thoughts since she was cheating to talk with you because you love each other or (2) stop all contact with her and let her get on with her life - you should not be involved romantically with a spoken for woman and to be honest she should not have been speaking with you either even if she does not care for her fiance. But leaving him to be with you will be a loss for since your love is no garantie that you will not ruin her life with your doubts. Therefore let her have the security with a man who obviously does wish to marry her.

X: I've thought about all that - but I miss her too much and I want her to start talking to me again as this makes me feel so much better. I'm lost without her in my life. At least let us get back to talking to each other and sharing problems etc...

me: seems to me you are selfish - you want your cake and to eat it? - you want to have the woman in your life because you have gotten used to her as a friend etc.. and you don't want to shoulder the responsibility of a wife, so you won't mind her being with the other man as long as you can have her whenever the whim to talk to her takes you ? wow

X: no - no but I cannot believe what she told me that she will never forget me if we are apart - is it true women don't forget ? I mean you know ...

me : no I don't know ... but if you both love each other than I'm sure like you can't forget her she can't forget you. However, you need to think straight about your objectives. If you want her as mother of your children and companion go get her and stop beating round the bush. If you want a platonic mistress for your own selfish reasons - even if you call that love- then stop it right now. Finally if you love her then you would do what is best for her! May God guide you in the right path my brother and pray to Him a lot. Can you please turn to the right here that's my street.

Now I'm wondering - do I have written on my face marriage counsellor ? His story is not unique it's a classic in Libya. Man loves woman and vice versa but is reluctant to marry her because she spoke with him... therefore she may speak to another man after she secures him as husband. With all due respect, and although I know there are numerous cheating wives, you men forget that she spoke to you because something about you charmed her and she fell in love. Seems it is never a win-win situation..sigh

Masochism, bad luck and incorrect choices

The dictionary explains that 'masochism' means any of the following depending on the situation:


1. Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
2. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
3. the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
4. the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.


1,2, and 3 are clearly out of the equation but could my recurrent failed attempt to find and hold love be an expression of my " tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc" ? This is the question that continues to stare at me in space. Could this be the reason the hurt and pain that has constituted the bigger part of my life spent in search of that mate and partner the failure to create a successful team and joint partnership or is it simply down to luck and incorrect choices?

Retrospectively and with hindsight I can pinpoint the exact moment where the detour occurred which launched arelationship into 'destruct mode'. Yet was that moment really my fault, or have I offended Fortuna, Ganesha and Benten simultaneously? o r is there no such thing as bad luck but only God's providence?

The third option would be incorrect choice, is it possible for one human being to continue making the wrong choices for decades with history continuing to repeat itself in a predictable manner from the initial spark of attraction to the bittersweet end.

I struggle on a daily basis with these theories, questions like 'what if I had said or not said a particular statement' rise in a crescendo and cascade like hammers on my brain while wave after wave of pain constrict my heart and only recede to die a slow excruciating death on the beaches of my soul, leaving memories of raw flesh exposed and battered by the elements.


It is the last and third leg of Ramadan 2008, I don't want to commit blasphemy by questioning God's wisdom especially when he has these beautiful words for us, urging us not to give up on his Mercy despite our deeds.

قال تعالى: قل ياعبادي الذين أسرفو على أنفسهم لاتقنطو من رحمة الله

Yet I can't help thinking: Where are the real men? Am I condemned to an eternity of hermitage or do eternal and infinite peace lie only in death?

Wishing you all a blissful Eid soon in the company of your loved ones I will be hugging Pearl extra tight tonight.

It's Ramadan

Happy Ramadan to you all. It's the second day for us here in Libya.

This blog will take a short holiday as we can't be discussing 'sensitive' topics, plus no one will be reading me anyway.

See you after Eid

Violet and Pearl

In the heart or out of it ?

Have you ever wondered if 'out of sight is out mind' or does 'absence make the heart grow fonder' ?

What do you think ?

Teeanage fantasies

I'm back from the holidays, Egypt was great and we had fun at my uncle's house in Alexandria. Some of my cousins are in their teens and they reminded me of myself at that age.

You know when you hit puberty all sort of emotions start raging inside you and I was not immune to that either. I would fantasize about a guy and usually the daydream would be like a movie with the main character him and me and romantic actions. I would describe this guy to my best friend in great details and she would sigh and laugh at me, then we would giggle. I spent a whole summer looking at magazines to find someone I could relate to. But there would always be a detail missing here and there. So many years have passed since I was 14, more than I care to say but at long last the fantasy has been brought to life. This man is the living incarnation of those fantasies.... what am I going to do knowing this vision is walking the earth !




HELP

Five things you did not know about me

Shlemazl tagged me (thanks), I am so excited as this is the first time someone does ...

(1) I am not that old !
(2) My daughter will soon be as tall as me .
(3) I love tight jeans and miniskirts
(4) I read a lot ( yes I do ! )
(5) I like horses and wish to learn to ride one day.

Whoever has not done this please consider yourself tagged..

'Draw me closer' : don't push away my outstretched hand

I don't kow if you've had the time to check my sidebar ? I've collected a number of interesting (to me and I hope to you as well) bloggers, whose common denominator is romance and erotica..

Sheema Kalbasi is from Iran and How it goes naked is her 'literary journey'.

This is my favourite bit:

"I want to be virgin of all the memories, and the life experiences but you. I want to be a markless paper and be marked by you. I want my past, present, and the future to have your name on it. I want to have a body that can be made love to by you uninterruptedly. I want to have a heart that has one city's name on it, the city where you ARE at any given time. I have been handed this love generation after generation to find you somewhere close or even from far to let you know of the truth. Take away the roaming features of Sizdah Bedar from my memory. I want to survive the aching for my homeland from the edge of this country.
Draw me closer. I love you" [read more]

Back

I missed a lot, trying to catch up ! Thanks for still reading me ...

Soul mates & Endless love : The eternal question ?

I had forgotten Valentine's Day but an hour ago the phone rang, an overseas call since I cannot see the number…

He : Hello sweetheart
Me : Hello
He: I missed your voice and am basically calling to tell you Happy Valentine habibti
Me ( oh my God it's him ) : Thank you …soooo much that is so sweet of you

The rest of the conversation was simply catching up on each others news… that's how life is..

Then a bit later my eyes alight on this piece of news "can you have two soulmates?" this is very weird I ask myself can you love 2 people simultaneously, how can that happen ?

Well, I think there is only one soulmate and you are lucky when/if you get him/her… but folks what do you think ? wanna share ?

In the meantime Ladies and gentlemen allow me to share with you my most favourite Valentine card – it's 22 years old now:

Today, I'm feeling the distance between us a little more than most days..
I'm missing your smile, your touch, your easy ways.
I'm feeling a little lonelier than usual,
thinking of you a little more,
and missing the way I feel when I'm with you.
Today, like everyday that you are away,
I'm missing you and wishing you were here...
only today, I find myself wishing just a little bit more.

(Unknown author)

2007

Looking through my profile , I just realized that this blog has been online for over a year now since November 2005, I missed the birthday !

I also have not blogged for a while was too busy with Pearl and family issues.

So here is a late Happy New Year and Eid !

Men Are Hard To Please

The problems with GUYS:

If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;

If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.



If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from KAMPUNG.



If u ARG UE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;

If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.



If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;

If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.



If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;

If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.


If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;

If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.



If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;

If u don't, he says that u don't TRUST him.



If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;

If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.



If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;

If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.



If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;

If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEM A N.



If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;

If he does WELL, it's BRAINS.



If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;

If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please!!!!!



If u send this to guys, they will swear that it's not true.......
but if u don't, they say u are selfish.....

Guys is this true ???????

Training the American male

Michelle Fitoussi , in Elle magazine French version, had an interesting article on page 7 of the July 10 2006 issue ( I know it's funny we are in December and I'm ready the July issue, but I have so much on my plate ... ) So anyway Michelle was speaking about some American writer who wanted to train her man to behave the way she wants to and wrote about it to describe the procedure .

Why waste more time I thought this is cool let me find this article and read it first hand.

Modern Love
What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage
By AMY SUTHERLAND
Published: June 25, 2006

Excerpts

"As I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, irritated. "Have you seen my keys?" he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and stomps from the room with our dog, Dixie, at his heels, anxious over her favorite human's upset.
In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned off the faucet and joined the hunt while trying to soothe my husband with bromides like, "Don't worry, they'll turn up." But that only made him angrier, and a simple case of missing keys soon would become a full-blown angst-ridden drama starring the two of us and our poor nervous dog. Now, I focus on the wet dish in my hands. I don't turn around. I don't say a word. I'm using a technique I learned from a dolphin trainer.

[...] I wanted — needed — to nudge him a little closer to perfect, to make him into a mate who might annoy me a little less, who wouldn't keep me waiting at restaurants, a mate who would be easier to love. [...] Eventually it hit me that the same techniques might work on that stubborn but lovable species, the American husband.
The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. [...] You can't expect a baboon to learn to flip on command in one session, just as you can't expect an American husband to begin regularly picking up his dirty socks by praising him once for picking up a single sock.(LOOOOOL) [...]

I followed the students to SeaWorld San Diego, where a dolphin trainer introduced me to least reinforcing syndrome (L. R. S.). When a dolphin does something wrong, the trainer doesn't respond in any way. He stands still for a few beats, careful not to look at the dolphin, and then returns to work. The idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behavior. If a behavior provokes no response, it typically dies away. In the margins of my notes I wrote, "Try on Scott! " [...]After two years of exotic animal training, my marriage is far smoother, my husband much easier to love. I used to take his faults personally; his dirty clothes on the floor were an affront, a symbol of how he didn't care enough about me. [...] When the training techniques worked so beautifully, I couldn't resist telling my husband what I was up to. He wasn't offended, just amused. As I explained the techniques and terminology, he soaked it up. Far more than I realized. [...] One morning, as I launched into yet another tirade about how uncomfortable I was, Scott just looked at me blankly. He didn't say a word or acknowledge my rant in any way, not even with a nod.
I quickly ran out of steam and started to walk away. Then I realized what was happening, and I turned and asked, "Are you giving me an L. R. S.?" Silence. "You are, aren't you?"
He finally smiled, but his L. R. S. has already done the trick. He'd begun to train me, the American wife."

The piece above reminded me so much of how I handle Pearl; praise here , punish here , subtly giving the message , just the usual life of a mother or Supernanny ( do you recall the TV series ? ).

Funnily enough many people wrote to Amy for advice :

Dear Amy: How do you get results from stubborn hubbies without being accused of
being the “nagger.” — Gail, Tampa, Fla.
Dear Gail: Simply adopt the approach
progressive animal trainers use: reward behavior you like and ignore, as much as
you can, behavior you don’t. When I did this with my husband, I found that I
almost stopped nagging. Almost, I say, because I am human, after all.

It also seems past literatture is ric\ch in books with the same message, such as in 1994 "how to make your man behave in 21 days using the professional dog trainers" - hilarious - what is it with men and dogs ? check the excerpts:

Doggie Dos and Don'ts: "Gentle strokes and playful petting techniques are
positive motivational techniques for rewarding good behavior."
Flight and Chase Behavior: "If your dog is running away from you, the worst
thing to do is chase after him . . . remain calm, act like you're having loads
of fun without him, and soon he'll be trotting eagerly back ."

Some people compared men to buses - ok less offensive than dog I daresay.


"Bloody men are like bloody buses - you wait for about a year and as soon
as one approaches your stop two or three others appear. Wendy
Cope" check her whole poem here .
That's actually quite appropriate to my earlier Baby post .

Do you think we should treat our men like kids ( or dogs ;-) ) and use all those expert advices on them ?

Why can't men be just like women and you don't need to resort to any stratagems ?

Do you think Amy's method would work on Libyans ? Or Arabs for that matter ?

The Baby

After years of waiting you are given the chance to have a baby with the love of your life .... what do you do ?

Having a child toghether was our living daydream, his eyes and my skin colour, my hair and his long legs, etc.. the baby was going to be the cutest thing you ever saw walked the earth.... but hey it was only a dream to be indulged in . He has his own kids and I have Pearl ....

I'm not sure what happened, midlife crisis maybe ? but now suddenly after I had accepted that he will only be my mentor and best friend and after I have stopped thinking about him as a father to my kids ... he comes up out with this suggestion out of the blue :

"let's have that baby as soon as possible ! He /she will have my name, I will be
responsible for everything"

Oh my God ! what do I do ? is he asking me to marry him now after all these years ? He knows I won't be having any kids out of wedlock .. no matter how much I would be crazy in love..
What would you do ? share a man you loved with his family and fulfill you past dream safe in the knowledge that he will take care of you forever. Or go and have your baby with a man you love but don't need to share with anyone but at the same time where nothing is guaranteed except the excitement of starting a new life, new horizons and no complications .......


I like the following prayer very much: [ref] , when i find myself at loss .... but really the timing of this request is very very strange

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things which should be changed,and the
Wisdom to distinguishthe one from the other. "

Would you have his baby ? whose baby ? Life is really ironic first you have no choice and suddenly the choices are limitless..... do good things really come in threes or is it a poisoned chalice ?

Clarification 26-11-06 I see some readers did not understand :) the question is should she have the baby with her old love or new love ?

In sickness and in health, till death do us part !

We've been having a lot of sexual content lately I thought I'd tone it down and talk about another important topic between couples. Namely when the man acts like a jerk ( the woman does sometimes too by the way , but this blog is about women experiences , but men are welcome to share their own pain of course ), and Libyan men are not exempt from being total jerks either.

It has always been my understanding that marriage was a serious union -even a steady partnership is or the intention of marriage , and regardless of religious concerns I love the wedding vows expressed here , and if I get married again I intend to insert them somehow in my ceremony. I think the part below is the most meaningful to me and I 100% uphold and believe in it !

"I X take thee Y to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to
hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in
sickness and in health, to love, honour, and cherish, 'til death do us part, and
thereto I plight thee my troth."

But you are asking what brought this to my mind ? Well I met recently with a sister of one of my university classmates, and when we spoke about her sister A. she told me she was married and had two beautiful kids in America. So I took her phone number and immediately called her to congratulate her and talk about old times.

You see A. has a special story, which affected me immensely when it happened. Having spent part of her childhood in America, A. was one of those Libyan girls whose dream was to go back there. All her efforts were geared at securing a Libyan fiance among the US community. It seemed that her dream came thru when she was bethroted to one from a good family. To speed up the process of her visa application they had the Qiran or Nikah contract ( marriage contract) and were officially married without consuming the marriage until her real wedding night though. So marriage on paper still. But she was in everything his wife and was preparing for the day she will be wearing the white dress and pack her belongings and move with him in the home they bought toghether in Detroit. He came to visit in the last summer a few weeks before their marriage party. Invitations were sent to over 500 guests. Camels were bought, sheep were purchased, halls were rented, sweets and food was ordered, all the hullaboo following a Libyan wedding of a first born child.

A. was adamant that she will start her new life by putting into practice what she and N. had agreed on : never to hide anything from each other, and so she decided to tell him about her very recent surgery.
A few weeks before he came, A . felt a lump under her right armpit near her breast, she went to have it checked and had a biopsy and was diagnosed as benign lump; but was adviced to have it removed. Which she arranged for, the incision was not too big and the scar was minimal and not too disfiguring in fact quasi unnoticable. But nevertheless A went ahead and told him, wanted to share her fear and how thank God it was fine, wanting to hear a kind word , wanting a caress , tenderness and love, and most of all understanding and affirmation that she did the right thing and that such a tiny scar was not going to be a problem.

A was about to have her illusions shattered, the cold shower she received , was something she told me she will never forget for as long as she lived. Where did the love go ? where did the tenderness go ? where was the understanding, where were the vows and promises of devotion ? Nothing , the moment was broken and N simply got up and told her " I'm sorry you should have told me about is last week, I would not have bothered to travel all the way to Libya. Your divorce paper will reach you tomorrow ! " and he turned round and left. ... Gone was the dream .. I recalled she called me and made me promise not to talk about this , as tongues would wagger and her reputation would be tarnished . "But you did nothing wrong A, what are you talking about! he is the jerk , he is not worth it, imagine what would have happened if you only learned about his attitude after you actually joined him there ? you are so lucky you found out earlier on , before you actually consumated the marriage. " . "Yes but I'm divorced now " , "so what" I said " divorced is better than abused outside your country and far from your family. You will find the man you deserve. Don't worry ! "

That is exactly what happened, 3 years later, a lovely man also living in America as she always wished, married her , and now they have toghether a boy and a girl, she is tracing her dreams of further education, a home , a job and a family. Hopefully that first jerk will get his come -uppance, dropping her because he thought she may be ill or have a scar and was less than perfect ? Imagine if she had become seriously ill along the way , would he have thrown her out like a used rag ?
Moral of the story , if your man is not prepared to love you just the way you are and support you when you need him most , then seriously to hell with him.

This also reminded me that not being bound in life to someone because sometimes life sucks , does not mean that the person stops sensing or caring what happens to you, and I guess here the 'till death does us part ' bit can still somehow apply. This was eerily demonstrated to me on moult occasions when out of the blue he calls , or demonstrates his tenderness, and how he is still loving me ...
When I feel let down by the whole world I can't forget , how he loved me and still does even when I looked like a scarecrow with all sorts of injections and monitors sticking out of my body for 3 months in hospital , just because he had promised to marry me! How he bribed the nurses to let him come visit me at night after my parents were gone. Of how he looked at me with puppy eyes even though I was diagnosed with a debilitating disease. Of how he never gave up on me and helped me with the oxygen and breathing exercises, and of how my muscles became so weak I had to be wrapped in sheets to be able to stand up and learn to breathe again. And he was through it all facing everyone against all odds until one day I miraculously got up and recovered.

Though he had his problems and we ended up separated, it is difficult when a woman has experienced such a high standards of care to settle for less. I find him calling out of the blue, each time something happens to me, it's like his radars are always on the lookout.
For him I will never grow old , and will remain forever his' Amarige princess'.

Hint for any next romantic interest , you better not disappoint me when I need you most , or you will break my heart, or worse really ruin my health, and you know what I will probably be too shy to even tell you about it.

Erotic mail

If you dream of suggesting a move , a date, or anything hot, and are either too shy to say it in person or are too far apart then Hoochymail is the answer to your erotic imagination.

snippet :

HoochyMail is the first internet service that allows you to create a thrilling,
explicit erotic fantasy about yourself and your special someone, doing all sorts
of exciting and sexy things, in all sorts of exotic and interesting locales!

I have made it a point to test it for your edification and must admit it is POWERFUL , especially when you see your name and that of your object of interest; boyfriend, husband, partner or lover in the starring roles , intertwined together literally and physically .

It is also an alternative to those of you who are engaging or wish to engage in cybersex , as a natural follow up to my previous posts on this topic :)

Cybersex 1
Cybersex 2
Cybersex 3

"[...] getting to know a partner on-line may be a nearly spiritual enterprise.
[..]It's mind to mind and spirit to spirit talking [...]You focus on who he is,
on the inside. Then if his outside is a little heavier or a little shorter than
you expected, it doesn't matter because you already love his soul. [ref] "

Here is part of the test story a special Hoochymail which I have created for my readers right on time for Halloween :

"Khaled nearly fell to the ground, only to see the cat lady, still before him on
her knees, lapping up every bit of his semen and licking her paws clean. She
looked up at him and for a moment, he was so sure it had to be Violet.And yet he
still wasn’t sure at all.
“Meow,” laughed the cat lady, still wearing her
mask, as she stood up to face him. “Well, there you have your treat,” she
smirked. She pranced over to the front door. “Wait a minute,” Khaled called,
watching her open the front door, “Come on, now, who are you, really?”The cat
lady looked over her shoulder, winked at him and disappeared into the darkness,
calling back to him, “That, my little Halloween goblin, is the trick!”

I'm not sure if Libyans are doing it ( I know they have phonesex) but it is an avenue to be explored no ? what do you think?

Those sexy Arab women

Thanks to Rambling Hal, (Hal you are a treasure throve!) I stumbled today on this interesting blog from Dubai to add to my collection of hot Arab women ( see my blogroll for that).

"Past experience has proved that people always look mysteriously dark and
handsome through tinted windows – the dark makes EVERYONE look better than
normal (that's why women like doing it with the lights off)… until the guys roll
down their windows and you realise you've just snared an ogre."

From Sex in Dubai !

The Signs of time












Evolution :)