Friday, January 06, 2006

Sequel to cybersex : case no. I

Apart from your honest comments, the post about online dating and cybersex engendered a number of emails. As promised earlier , I'm posting some of them to give advice or find a solution... ok here is my favorite it is very long but worth it:

Dear Violet,

Someone at work sent me a link to your blog, I was surprised to find a Libyan woman discussing this in a public space. You don’t know me and I don’t know you but I think what you are trying to do is exciting. As a Libyan you know how much we talk about these matters when we women get together, but it such a novelty to find it here.
I never told this to anyone. 3 years ago I met an Arab guy. We started emailing, sometimes more than once a day, and got to know each other well I thought. Then one day, I had to go on a family trip with a very short notice. I emailel him about this and gave my phone number. He called me, and started phoning every night. I was madly in love, this fantastic man, with the voice of an angel and so knowledgeable was spending hours of his time with me. I wanted nothing but to meet him, he only told me his name and gave me his mobiles, and home numbers . I thought it was only a matter of time until he will reveal the rest about himself , send a photo and ask to meet my parents. You cannot believe how silly I was. Then one night when we were talking he went a little further in his suggestions . First I went along thinking it was sweet, he really was so romantic, but then the conversation became hardcore. I accepted it because I liked him a lot and was thinking men are liked that and this will keep him interested. He assured me it is all in the mind, a fantasy because we are not doing anything. I really don’t know because for sure for me it was mental. After that night he confessed that he was divorced and had a son and an ongoing custody battle in one of the most closed countries in the world. He said this boy was everything to him and that 's why he divorced his mother and will not have her back. Anyway he said he plans to marry but only after he gets custody so as not to give her any leverage in court.

I should have run as these were enough signals, but by then I was too fascinated by him, I thought I could be the woman of his life who will care for him and his son. (So what if he has a son that’s not a shame, and he did not want to advertise immediately until he knew me better).Well I found lots of rationalizing excuses. What tipped the scales in his favour was that he let me talk to his son, and the kid was adorable and obviously so happy with his dad. So I assumed that this man cannot be bad, he is taking care of a baby. He is mysterious because he holds a very sensitive position in his country.

One day I called and a female voice answered, hetold me his family knew about me. So when his sister picked up the phone I asked her ‘could I speak to X please? This is Y’. She told me ‘sorry there is no one by the name of X here you must be mistaken’ . I excused myself profusely and hung up on her. I checked the number just to establish that I was correct. Then a lamp lit in my head , ‘ok he is lying and his name is not x , but why ?’. A little voice was saying drop him , you don’t even know how he looks like, before it is too late. But I could not, he had played too much with my mind by then I really wanted him no matter what he looked like, he can't be a scumbag.
So next time he called I told him what happened and he said he knew and his sister did not hear me well and so she thought I was asking for someone else. Although i was not convinced , I pretended I was and rationalized again his behavor.Needless to say that he stopped with the letters when we started phoning. I was thinking this man is obviously brilliant why is he bothering with me when he could have his pick of women? What is his secret?

I went against my instincts and sent him my photo when he asked but imagine my shock and disappointment when he did not send his ?Excuses excuses, 2 years until I was able to get it. No I’m not a masochist but , I was in love or a bad case of infatuation. He wrote a long email explaining he will dedicate himself to his son and will not hurt him with a stepmother- that should have been my exit cue. By then it has become my challenge to get him to meet in real life, so I traced him from his numbers and found that the sister was right to tell me I had the wrong number because obviously I had asked for the wrong person. It was really bad trying to even hide your name why ? My fascination was like the moth going to a light, I have seen such wonderful brilliant aspects from his personality so I don’t know why he was doing this, it did not make sense.

His phone calls became rare , and the emails stopped . We met 3 years later. He was really, as handsome as I thought and as tender as believed he could be. His son was adorable. I had confirmation that he was truely divorced and he confirmed the name I had discovered before without even excusing himself. We did not have privacy as his son was a chaperone He proved to me his identity and I was impressed , the guy was who he was and yes he had a right to be secretive from his resume. But my criticism was that he could trust me after all those years? I thought he knew me because I had nothing to hide. I thought that was a good step and a new page towards the future. We had breakfast , lunch, coffee,snacks and dinner the three of us. I warmed towards them so much we went out on big walks and the people thought we were married.
That night I went back home with them and I watched him put his son to bed and wash him and read stories and stuff, he did not exclude me at all from the process. In fact his son asked him whether he was going to marry me. I felt very confident. I should have gone home the, but I did not. Mistake no. 3 . I remained because I wanted to have a private conversation without the child, I honestly had no hanky panky in mind. I was learning to address him in his real name when for 3 years I could not even pronounce it. I told him that I knew who he was etc.. and he said he knew that but he had feared for my life and did not want to get me in trouble by associating with him. He said such sweet things and the way he pronounced my name made me buckle at the knees, forgiving him all that he put me through. I let him kiss me and touch my breasts very briefly. He carried me tenderly to the couch and we sat talking. I told him I was not interested in sex I could wait, and anyway he did not want to either , I mean his son was across the hall right? This would ruin his custody chances. We could wait until the ruling. He pulled himself together , hugged me fiercely and took me to the guest room to sleep , it was too late to let me get back home. Boy was I glad that I had a foolproof excuse at home, no one was looking for me. He covered me just like he did to his son and went to bed.

I had such fantasies of a mutual life together the 3 of us and then later a little girl. I was living in dreamland. Rehashing his words that he had agreed to meet me this time, because he wanted to prove that he was everything he claimed to be, not a cyberfigure. He really was, a father and a gentleman , and a very very busy important man judging by the international call, faxes , telephones and the deference of the people, in addition to the concrete papers I’ve seen.

But this was my first night to sleep under the same roof of a strange man, I felt guilty, even if there was a chaperone. I had let the man kiss me. I was a bit hurt by that time that he left me to go sleep with his son. So I waited till morning and left very early home. I did not take the expensive present he had bought for me. I had no need for this.

I waited for his phone call, because my plans for the day depended on him. See I had cleared a 3 day empty slot for his sake because he had made that week especially for us to be together. But it was not going as I wanted. I wanted to hear the words ‘I love you’. And all he did was spend time with his son. We only met late for dinner that night. So I decided to stop seeing him, I had no time for heartache. He knows my feelings, I have nothing to hide and he knows were to find me.I had been patient for too long. I said farewell that night after dinner. I think he was shocked by my choice of clothes. I wanted to show him my sexy fashionable side as opposed to the day before .I wish I had remained conservative, I think he got the impression I was too wild and with the combination of my willing to spend the night at their home, that’s not what men are used to around these parts.

He never wrote back, he never called and when I wrote he said he was very busy with his son's problems and at work and simply had no time and 'no' was no forgetting about me.
I don't know what to think but I did not talk to him after that as I felt humiliated . What is weird is that he would still call me on important dates and feasts, he just phoned for new year . I'm very confused . Is that how guy's behave ?


Ok readers, what do you think ? did Fozia make a mistake ? Does having online sex ( or phone sex in this case) jeopardize a woman's chance of success? Are you immediately labeled a slut just because you do, in a similar way as the girls who make out with guys in real life

I have my own question too it is about this rule that the women in Libyan keep warning each other about : Arab men are ALL the same. They will have fun with you then go tell their mum to find a good girl for them . Emphasis on the ‘good’ here. So don’t kiss , don’t show your body, don’t hug etc… if you want to nab the guy, you can let him touch your hand after a few months of dating but not more. Then there is the other crowd. Nothing keeps a man until you sleep with him.

So which crowd should a girl believe? In both cases the girls got the men they wanted. Pretty confusing I admit .


Darsh-Safsata said...

First i would like to congratulate you again for the nice blog, and although you're talking about the libyan society, i allow myself to participate as i see no difference at all from the egyptian society

about this subject, i admit that all what you mentioned is applicable, true that a lot of guys like to do whatever with girls, than mary another, and also if they try to hit on a girl and she doesn't respond to the end they might just drop her and forget her
and i dont have a magic solution for the subject, but i have a different view
these examples has its other side from the guys eyes, but the case remain the same both men and women are trying to find tricks to attract the other sex, why doesn't everyone try to be as he like to be and let her/him find the partner who wants that, why are we always playing games? why are we always try to guess what the other one want on the base that he might be lying or trying to have a target different than the announced one, and at the same time we're ready to build a relation and a family on lies? i know there are similar things everywhere in the world, but i think we are more used for lies in all aspects of our life

Alexandra said...

Great blog. I will return with more to say later but I just wanted to tell you that I am reading, enjoying and thinking

programmer craig said...

Hi there Violet,

I followed you here from LouLou's blog. I have to say this is one of the most unusual blogs I've read so far :)

I wouldn't say your e-mailer made any "mistakes", per se. The hardcore chatting, maybe, was a mistake, but it's hard to say... there's no way to judge how close their feeling for eachother was.

I don't think he was just trying to use her, because he invested a lot of time and effort in the relationship. In my experience guys don't go to those lengths in a realtionship they consider to be casual. But maybe she had higher expectations than he did?

It's always sad when things don't work out, but these things happen. It does seem as if she was making more of an effort than he was throughout, and that can put some guys off a bit I guess.

I know of a few stories where things worked out after people met online, and an equal number of cases where they didn't. I think it's just like meeting somebody in person... there are no guarantees. Relationships are very complicated.

Nightlegend said...

Well I have two main points about this story ,first the phone sex session they had had no pivotal role in the story ,things would have developed almost the same if it didn't happen ,I mean there were no big deal transition after this incident.

second:I don't know ,but I have a strange feeling ,I have felling that this is factual story ,or at least some of the main events of it were altered somehow ,I don't why I have this feeling ,I have seen ,heard and expereinced alot of weird stories and experiences during my life ,but somehow this story feels not real ,maybe I am wrong but that was how I felt.

Libyan Violet said...

Hi Darsh-safsata, unfortunately I have seen and heard many of my colleages litterally lie their way into a relationship to 'land the guy' 3ashan tilbis il tar7a wil fustan ilabiad, so I can relate to what you brought up. But I think this girl committed a few mistakes, (1) no phone sex, (2)should have told him she has his real name and see his reaction, (3) not let herself be dragged along for such a period of time, (4) not slept overnight even if his son was with them. Even though she has done nothing really bad, men like to 'test' and that is mean perhaps but this is how they are.

And yes our societies are similar :)so although he was not a Libyan the guy was still Arab.

Alexandra , thanks and I look forward to your comment when you have time:)

Libyan Violet said...

Hi Programmer_Craig, please remind me to thank Loulou for linking to me .

"It does seem as if she was making more of an effort than he was throughout, and that can put some guys off a bit I guess."

Yes this is a common failing that girls warn each other not to do here ( in Libya). They always keep saying don't do this or he'll think you are running after him and get big headed and dump you. It is interesting that in the West you seem to think so as well. I find that it is a pity that men think this way because then no matter how much you like a guy you have to pretend you don't so that he can like you and in this way we fall into the process of 'lies' that darsh-safsata was talking about above.

As you say relationships are so complicated.

I'm sure Fozia is reading this and participation from all of you will immensely help her.

Libyan Violet said...

Nightlegend, I know what you mean it does seem 'weird', but these are the 'facts' that I had from the email. I thought it was full of details from the girl's side, of course we do not know why the man behaved like this ...we do not have his take on the story. Maybe , he thought he'd have a bit of fun , take away the loneliness and boredom anonymously you know .. then got taken in by her insistence? and invested his time as well ? maybe he thought she was interesting and mysterious and perfect and found out she was only human ? we really don't know .

Darsh-Safsata said...

i don't want to repeat what i said about lying that i know is not jsut in our societies, but i think i can say it is almost in the whole world,
so if we are talking about what she should have done to get maried, i have no clue
but if we're talking about what she should do to build a relation i don't agree with the points you mentioned about her mistakes
1) phone sex, was ok to do if that's what SHE wanted to do at this moment, and is not ok if it was only to please him
2)telling him she knows his real name is good in the sence of being honest with him, although she might also not telling him in order to test him :)
3)the period of time is nothing if she's planning for a life relation, but is different if she's planning for mariage
4) going to his place for me is no problem, even if his son wasnt there, and doing or not doing sex is not the issue

sorry if i am talking in a different subject than your friend, as i'm talking about relations and not mariage, but i see this is the more important issue

Libyan Violet said...

darsh-safsata, I kind of agree with you about relationships, and in my opinion I don't think she did anything technically wrong. But with regards to relationships in our society there are certain paths and unwritten rules to follow and most women want marriage not a relationship in the end ( you know how it is). So I guess she blew her chances at that with this man with these err 'mistakes'. I'm just talking socially here not on a human level. The guy may think she is mindboggling and wow but on another plane he still is 'conditioned' by his culture regardless of education to kind of 'despise' her. But honestly I'm just speculating here , he may have totally other reasons, the main one being is that he just did not like/love her that much after all .

Darsh-Safsata said...

I kind of agree with you, but i wanted to stress about the possibility of having real human relations between men and women

but also for men, when it comes to relation with females, they're usually oriented to mariage or sex or having fun,
but as i said techniques for mariage and those relations, i don't talk about, as i have no clue about

Darsh-Safsata said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

My perspective is that it depends on the individual. Hubby and I carried on a completely inappropriate (by Libyan standards at least) relationship while we lived in Libya. In our eyes it didn't detract from the way we felt about each other. We were most concerned about conception but took precautionary methods. I wasn't trying to "trap" him, I just wanted to be with him and he knew that. I was in LOVE. I wasn't scared because I did not really understand Libyan society. I also was not expecting a marriage proposal because of our actions. I was just dating the boy I loved. There is this whole honor thing that could have turned out pretty bad for us if we got caught. To me it seemed natural. We would stay at each other's houses so people would talk but then they always talk. We have been married for almost 10 years.