The first date

Hi Violet, my name is Reem and your posts labelled 'love is hard' have affected me especially the one about the married lover. I wanted to share with you and your audience if you will allow me the following story.

Reem is referring to this post and I was flattered that she wanted to contribute to my blog. Without further ado please read her email:

The First Date

The conversation had just began and I don’t know how it turned to exchanging tips about children and reliable paediatrician in Tripoli. Then he said “ I would recommend Dr Mansour at the x – Clinic” Without hesitation I retorted “ is that where you take your children Wael?” and almost automatically he replied “yes”, “ so you are married” I said trying to hide my disappointment at these news. “Reem” he intoned purposefully looking across to me from his seat in one of the new hot, flashy restaurants on the Tripoli seafront. “I wanted to tell you about this face-to-face and be transparent, it was not possible over the phone!”

In one second my world crashed and my hopes were dashed even before being allowed to fly. It took me 6 months from the time we bumped into each other at an exhibition to actually pluck up the courage to call him. When I phoned him the first time and he did not answer I was quite relieved, I could throw away his business card but something urged me to hang on to it and try again. I actually vaguely remembered his features, we simply were introduced to each other and spoke briefly and he expressed the wish to learn more about me. That’s the sort of chit-chat you do at business events and you forget about it, but I think the impression he left me with was one of simplicity, almost ascetic cleanliness and at the same time sophisticated. Plus he was so tall and I have a feeble for tall men. So I called again a couple of weeks later and this time he answered. The voice was polite, manly, very mature and self assured, and my heart fluttered... I was breathless and awkward… what was I going to tell him he probably had forgotten our 5 minute encounter. “Reem, this is me Reem, we met at the exhibition last year, I am terribly sorry for calling you like this and hesitated for a long time because I’m not at all sure how you will take this as a Libyan man, but you had asked me to call and I decided I will call you just to find out what type of person you are perhaps some good can come out of this? Please excuse me and I will delete this number from my phone” I was so embarrassed. To my ears I sounded like some infatuated teenager and barely heard him utter: “Reem OMG you finally deigned to call, I have been waiting for so long and you never gave me your number, when can we meet, where are you, where have you been, I have been thinking for half a year that no woman can be this arrogant!”

“ I’m really sorry to have put you through such anguish Wael, and as I said I won’t call, I just wanted to know that you really are a decent person and was curious about you”. Wael wanted to know when we could meet for lunch or dinner or even breakfast, and I was reluctant to commit to anything. I told him to take it slow and give me time to think. I went home and was thinking very hard that night. Why was I attracted to that man and why did I not want to meet him? Why did I catch myself hoping for his call? Is it because I was afraid for my reputation? I browsed my favourite blogs and Ibeebarbie’s words “I still felt the whimperings and longings of a cohesive partnership” seemed to be directed right at me. I was busy and successful, attractive by some standards, lead a very active life but at the end of the day was very much single, I wanted someone to have a family with, a child, companionship, friendship…and everything in Wael seemed to exude that. He would be a good husband material. That short conversation with him on the phone thought me a lot about him, his values and warmth, he was very respectful and very tactful. Actually I have rarely seen such behaviour in contemporary Libyan men and was curious about his academic background. I was relieved to find out he did have a university degree that actually needed someone to study to pass it. His family sounded stable also and that was important and obviously he has worked hard, no daddy’s boy or born with a silver spoon person. Those were all values I shared and respected. He called me two days later, and still I was not ready to meet him. Then I sat down and thought hard about it, why did I not want to meet a man who actually could be a success story and make me happy, why was I only interested in those impossible to get men? This questioning of my soul led me to one truth I have been hiding from myself for years now. It was a revelation, I feared rejection so much that I sought in advance relationships which were doomed to failure, so I would not have to be hurt and rejected by someone I actually, liked and valued and really wanted very badly. This guy seemed ideal, and I was afraid to loose him by meeting him, is that not a bit strange? A long weekend of self analysis finally led me to agree to meet for a coffee and that is how we ended up in the restaurant. Preparing to meet him took a lot of trouble from me, as I on purpose tried my best to undermine this first date. I want him to see exactly who I was and the way I was, no trying to attract him, in fact I tried not to look attractive. So it was I ended up wearing a pair of jeans, black shirt, sports shoes and leather jacket, with my hair in a plait, some sun block and barely there lip-gloss. That is a no-no outfit if you are trying to impress a man. He was even more handsome than I remembered even up to the gap between his top two front teeth which I found so cute. I feasted on the bronze colour of his skin which reminded me of another one and the beautiful full shape of his lips and the warmth and humour in his eyes. He was not classically handsome but he had so much appeal you could almost ‘smell’ the testosterone! And he had the most beautiful hands I had ever seen on any man. Their shape was perfect!

So when I heard his voice telling me he was married, it was a palpable physical pain that I felt in my heart and head. Before my eyes was the epitome of the man I always dreamt about and “yet again he was not going to be mine” a little voice told me. Married men are just heartache!

I was going to leave there and then, because why was I dating him in the first place, let’s not kid ourselves this was a date; we did not meet to discuss business. Instead I feigned an excuse to go refresh myself at the ladies. When I returned I had regained some of my composure and thanked him for being upfront. “ Thanks Wael for letting me know, this avoids having any daydreams or ideas now I know where are the limits of this relation ! i.e. no relation at all.”

“why do you say this Reem, my princess, why is it impossible to have a relationship based on trust between us, someone one can count on, some one to be your best friend, someone you can share with” … that’s where I interrupted him ( why is he calling me princess I thought ?) but I said “Wael, you should be best friends with your wife and share thoughts with her and your children why are you seeking that in me? It’s a pity we did not meet before but I refuse to have a relationship with a man that is not defined by a legal entity. We are not business associates so we can’t have the excuse to be meeting for business, obviously you like something in me and I found something attractive in you to be very frank and I’m not willing to commit or hurt myself to something that has no future unless you are considering right now a second marriage, and from what I understand about you, your wife is a good person”

“I’m really sorry Wael, this is not going to work and is definitely not fair on me. I appreciate that you did not lead me on, but I’m really not sure what you were expecting. I’m a very simple girl Wael, I’m not in a hurry, I’m still waiting for Prince Charming and won’t compromise on that even if the white hairs have started to creep in on me”

“ Reem he said, what I like about you is not your hotness, it’s the goodness of your heart which shines through, that’s what attracts people to you, but combined with the type of body you have I admit that is just a killer combination which you are probably unaware off, and that makes you more endearing. I want to be part of your life… that is something I am 100% sure of and have wanted to since the moment I set my eyes on you and heard your gentle voice explaining to the children at the exhibition about the items on display. The way you speak, the reservation, the passion you show for the subject and proud way you carry yourself and how the children were in awe lapping your comment and that flower print dress have haunted me for a very long time, if I can help it I will never let you go!”

After this confession, I really had nothing to loose Violet, total honesty was all I could go for. “Wael, the only way you could have me in your life forever is by marrying me, and yes I’m sorry we did not meet 10 years ago. Thank you again for your honesty, and I want to wish you all the best now I really should make a start to go home”

It’s heartbreaking Violet, we share so many common things, hard work, studious life, family bonds, care for parents and children, same hobbies, a man who likes to read, and play sports and takes his family out and travel with a penchant for more adventurous side of life…and unfortunately very much taken. Someone could say, that I could start a relationship and then take him from his wife, but I just don’t think that is right and therefore I believe that the 6 month period I was hesitating to call him may have been some sort of cosmic message to tell me that he was not available. Now it hurts so much to know that this type of Libyan man is available without the need for him to speak English well and I have missed him. One could say that he was a creep for being married and actually thinking of cheating on his wife and I thought about that but right now Violet, I’m trying very hard not to dial his number, because of this magnet I have for impossible love stories. One date and two ten minute phone calls was all it took to fall very hard. May God keep me strong as it will be a struggle.

Renunciation

"A love filled heart seeks renunciation".....more on that later ....

Happy New Year to all from Pearl and Violet

The haunting

She spent ten tumultuous years getting over a teenage love, and the next decade getting over her first and what turned out to be only love.

She had buried this fact deep into her soul and so never realized that all she was doing was trying to forget him.

One day like Snow White a kiss by a prince woke her up from the self induced coma. Yet despite the prince's sincere intentions - and those are what counts in fairy tales to perform miracles - he could never be her Prince . Because only the true Prince knew how to kiss her lips till they were bruised with engorged blood and until the ground would disappear from underneath. Only her Prince had the strength to carry her for miles in his arms and only he could rise out of the sea looking like the statue of Adonis come to live ... When she awoke and the last strands of the fog blew away all the bad memories had faded and the good times came to life even more vividly and it suddenly struck her that in all the years she assumed she was unlucky with men she was in truth setting herself up for failure by trying to find him again in another man's eyes when there was and never will be any man like her Man, Prince and King of her soul...

If you found and lost your soulmate once would you have the chance to get him back again ?

The pain seared through her heart and shot through her brain when it dawned on her that she was looking now at a dark precipice - a lifetime needed to get over that loss again. Like the tide and the waves and the song she loved so much the pain webbed and flowed.

Ten years to find out he was always "THE ONE" and to finally admit it so simply how could this happen? Ironically it took him ten years to bridge the gap and grow into the person she knew and predicted he was destined to be, but she was so old now and there was hardly any time left, and he was married...

“love is different than marriage, my love ! Love is forever and ONLY YOU have and will always have my love” - he whispered but she wanted his love and his flesh.

If she were not Muslim she would at least have the solace to believe in reincarnation and another chance....why was life playing such games with her ?

In a flash 30 years would have passed and her life would have gone by without a moment of peace or happiness.... is there a silver lining ? he mentioned wanting to sire a child? Would she accept a polygamous marriage? the prospect of dying without consuming their love was a black hole and she would accept such a marriage to him...

To have the next ten years with him would be perfect but did she have ten years to live still? Only God knew the answer !

Note and question to readers: this is part of my upcoming novel - very first draft so lots of editing , can you help me choose a name for the heroine? the only condition is that it hails from the Middle East or North Africa!

Flashback


"You wondered how you'd make it through. I wondered what was wrong with you. Because how could you give your love to someone else, yet share your dreams with me? Sometimes the only thing you're looking for, is the one thing you can't see." Vanessa Williams

Torn apart or Bound together ?

A few months ago I was watching the trailer for the movie Dear John which is an adaptation of the a novel by Nicholas Sparks of the same name. I remember making a note to myself that it is something I wanted to watch. Then I came across the book itself when transiting through one of the airports in the Middle East recently and decided to buy it.

It is only when I bought that I realized that this was the same author as among other things The Notebook, Nights in Rodanthe, A walk to remember, and for me the utterly famous and heart wrenching Message in a Bottle. Once again I found myself enjoying the tragic drama in the story and somehow being disappointed that there is no happy ending. There never is in his novels.

I've read a criticism of his genre here , and I understand where the author of the article is coming from but I think that if there was no market or need for such stories and if they did not exist then they would not be written. These novels seem to talk about nobility of love and character akin to a Greek tragedy that take you beyond the grave. Reading his books does make one cry at the inevitable and I guess it must be a tribute to his writing skills regardless if people may think that the story is a cliche. I read those books never realising they were by the same author, but only liked the story and what it represented.

There is also a Hindi movie with a vaguely similar theme as the Notebook, which I find myself relentlessly drawn to watch every time.

All this makes me wonder is the fate of LOVE to be torn apart physically yet bound together spiritually forever ? if so then this is indeed very sad and mortals like me will never have a chance at happiness !

Wise words


That's my new resolution in life !

"Never make someone a priority when you are only an option for them." unknown

Letting go: The (still) married lover


You are always advised not to get involved with a married man no matter how much you are or think you are in love, especially if he has children….

When they met, he was separated. Separated for us in the Arab world means divorced; in the West it means that the couple is for the time being not living together and at the same time not legally divorced. When they fell in love, he was on the verge of divorcing then something happened. Her love brought him the stability and friendship he sought and he reconsidered his separation status. His wife suddenly decided to move back with him to another continent and a hostile environment because at her age it was better than starting over with two kids and she was still getting her way.

When they met the first time in Europe, he said "I love you, but I cannot make any promises until my life is back in order, as I have two little children to take care of"

When they met the second time in Asia, he said "Wife has moved to my country and it is a joy to watch my kids thrive again and feel stable. I no longer fight with her, and though the sex is clinical, my work keeps me going and my joy at protecting the children. I'm looking into figuring out a solution that will not put their future at risk but although I'd love to have you for me, please don't wait if you have a chance"

When they met the third time in Europe again it was for one day only and there was barely time to stock on love to keep one going …

When they met the fourth time it was between airports because he has cancelled their meeting for family obligations and when she saw him she noticed immediately how old he had grown… Was this the same man she loved ? she looked beyond the white hair and the large paunch at the kind turquoise eyes. He still was very fit wit well defined muscles, still tall and well built, but he definitely was older. " 50 years old!" she caught herself thinking, Would she want to be with him now that his best years have been with another woman?
He was sorry that it was all he could manage and he promised to dedicate a special time for them to meet again and discuss the future but again he said " I'm still trying to figure away that would not harm my children!"

From the time of their first meeting she told herself that if she encountered a man with whom she felt she would be happy she would not wait for the turquoise eyes to alight on her again. She dated a number of men, all interesting and all successful but they never ticked all the right boxes. And she went on basking in that halo of love that's been bridging 10 years of longing. Ten interminable years of yearning to live together yet knowing somewhere deep inside that it was not going to happen.

The day she held her own child in her arms she finally understood ….She understood that he was not going to leave his kids at least until they were over 18 and provided for. Yes he was frail and human and he fell in love with another woman who was not his wife. She had caught him during the male menopause years and he had outgrown that and calmed down and resigned to making a life for his kids. Plus being 50 meant he would soon be less passionate romance/sex and just content because he still had access to his wife's bed and what does a man want but somewhere to put his weary body? She had learned that the hard way from a younger man who professed eternal love but could not keep his promise. He said at the end of the day, we men just want somewhere to rest …love .. romance etc.. that's just lies..

Cradling her child she knew it was not going to happen and when he phoned her to talk about setting up that meeting, her mouth said "sure that would be great my love", but her heart and head said in unison " why waste a perfectly good holiday for something that will never see the light – you should be concentrating your energy on the one who is available, has no baggage – you live forever".

We hold to each other and think that time stops, but we grow and mature and understand that even in Love there is no black and white. You did not want to live with the guy without marriage and he was not ready to dispose of his old life to marry you.
You can go on loving fiercely but you can have a beautiful, successful and fulfilled life with a partner whom you may not love passionately at first but whom you are sure that he will grow old with you and your child. So you look with tenderness at that snapshot taken 10 years ago during the first candle lit dinner with your lover. The beautiful skin, flushed and rosy with love, the bright sparkling eyes, the way his arm is wrapped possessively around your waist, the way your head is tilted towards his chest and you wish that couple good luck in the next life.

Don't ever fall in love with a married man no matter how unhappy he says he is because he will never leave on his own unless you are prepared to fight for him and break his marriage. NOT all women are ready to do that !

There is no bitterness because he was a gentleman and a best friend and most of all he never made promises. Having reached this stage you know you are ready to let go in peace.

The High School Crush and the Inner Sanctuary


It was a new school which meant she was a little apprehensive about how will her classmates be. “Will they accept me? Will I like them? What should I wear for my first day at school?” She thought.

She could still remember like it was yesterday the skin tight faded jeans with the matching jacket full of golden buttons a la Michael Jackson, not sure why she wore high heels as well and a little bit of lip gloss – maybe to add what she thought would be glamour and sophistication..

She walked into the classroom and everyone was already greeting each other, the girls were hugging and kissing and the guys hi-fiving, for a split second she was afraid and then she walked to the girls and introduced herself. That’s when she heard him say ‘what a gorgeous ass and look at those legs man!’. She turned around and there he was looking at her with his mischievous smile his long silky black hair covering one eye. Her heart missed a beat and never recovered for the rest of the year as she watched him date the other girls then cry on her shoulder when they would break up. That was the year she learnt the term patience …and to weave fairy tales.

Twenty five years later…Sitting laughing and chatting with a group of friends at the restaurant, she noticed a tall gentleman two tables removed from her party. She could only see his broad back, but the shine of the hair and its colour caught her eye. She was engrossed in the conversation and gesticulating for emphasis when she felt someone gently tap on her shoulder. She turned around, surprise and a little bit annoyed ‘yes? What can I do for you?’

Mariam? He said you ARE Mariam? She looked hard into his face, it’s been a long time and his hair was now no longer like that of a rebel, but that lopsided mischievous smile was still there. Her heart missed a beat again and all those feelings bottled up by the 15 year old rushed into the heart of the woman. But that woman carried unfulfilled romantic desires and she allowed herself to believe those fairy tales weaved a quarter of a century ago. In that one second she thought that dreams actually come true if you waited long enough. It was as if the time apart never happened, they picked up naturally where they left. How do you make a man see you as a woman and not as a friend? And why did he suddenly appear? It must be a sign.. Unfortunately that 15 year old had never left her…A whole year passed like a bullet train and as much as she wanted to, there was nothing she could do except be the friend he wanted and accompany him for that journey in time in the hope he will wake up and realize that the woman he has been describing to her while he was checking out potential brides was her.

So she decided to give it one more try if that did not work she would walk out once and for all – damn those fairy tales in her mind; she had lived without him a lifetime she could continue to do so. Friendship could be a good basis for love but she did not have all the time in the world that the 15 year old had and she did not want to be around to be invited at his wedding that would be really be ironic.

A golden opportunity came their way and she vowed to make the best of it, this was going to be the make or break time. As if by fate their vacations coincided with each other and they were able to spend even more time together than then ever did. They were constantly doing stuff together and talking at all hours of the day and night. There should be a moment where she could crack that shield and let him see she was a female no?

He had surprised her by suggesting a picnic and she went to meet up with him on that beach. She was walking towards him in the warm sand, and noticed that he had used the time waiting for her to prepare a lovely picnic breakfast, tuna, cheese, olives, eggs, tea, juice, honey, milk, fruits and freshly baked bread which he just bought from the bakery and had spread a chequered burgundy and white sheet on the beach . She thought it was as romantic as it gets and he was looking at her smiling and beckoning with a debonair expression. How dashing he looked, his Ipod was blasting Pavarotti’s Nessun Dorma from the speakers…she thought it must be a hint…It seems his mobile rang because she saw him pick it up and laugh and talk excitedly. She reached him just in time to overhear him say ‘ I love you too honey, only one month and you will grace your new home…’ Then he put the phone down and looked at Mariam again. ‘Remember Dania from my cousin’s birthday party? We’re buying the wedding dress from France next week.! Oh Mariam, wish me luck I’m so happy, she is beautiful you will just love her’

She felt the dagger turn in her heart how could she be so wrong? But no he never said anything to her that could be construed as the shadow of a hint. Maybe once when he was particularly down he revealed more than he should and had a spontaneous moment.. The rest of the day went in stupour. She made all the right moves and correct replies, but the heart was no longer in it. She had thrown the dice and taken her chance and lost. The 15 year old inside crumbled and died. Now was the time for a prompt and discreet retreat. He must never know what she felt for him ever! It must remain buried as the high school crush it was all along. In terms of closure it could not get as clear or more melodramatic that this.

If she wanted the friendship to remain unscathed and thrive, she had to give him space and make space for herself. He will be too busy now to notice her absence anyway.

Meanwhile she will busily be exploring the inner sanctuary…

The Politics of Love

The first week at university is the week where you not only learn about the building and the campus and make friends but it is the one during which you receive an induction about life.

For me it was the third day that was most significant, that was the day when 5 or 6 girls took me aside and told me that if you don't secure a guy from the beginning you are not going to get married anytime soon. Violet! they said forget about honesty and love and play the game, don't be too smart even if you are in a faculty were only the smartest are accepted, if you like someone don't show it yet at the same time pay attention to him, feign innocence even if you want to go to bed him there and then. Say no all the time not in the name of morality and purity but just so he can think you are pure and virginal. At least if you want to marry him. If you follow this prescription you will get any man for keeps. Libyan men don't really care if you love them or not, all they care about is if you tick the right trigger points in their imagination.


I thought that was such a cynical piece of advice, but with hindsight I would say it does not only apply to Libyan men but probably all men. I find it sad that one needs to play a game to be with a man you love and know you are right for him and he right for you.

All those girls ended up married just after they graduated even though they dated several guys at the same time.

Then I read a post by Shams-she has made the same observation about the advice those girls gave me.

"You were brought up with virtues of honesty, bravery and principles, but when the heartache begins, you know that you offered the utmost idealism and honesty of all, and you forgot war is man, and man is war of contradictions...you think attraction is spontaneous, and all the natural chemistry of two civilized beings, you mistaken, attraction is politics of hide and seek and the use of imagination to obstruct reality...Reality for man does not see romance in daylight, only through beams of illusions [...] you want your heart to speak in truth, you want your hands to stretch in liberty to his use, you want to reach deep in your feminine side, you want to give and give and love... I then apologize for your idealists shortcoming for he is an animal, he would not understand truthful civilization, he wants the game, the challenge, the risk, the caveman life... the exception are only for the enlightened, kind ones, and you can count few, almost a myth .[sic]"

Those enlightened men are rare and far between one can almost forget about them just like my legendary dragon. I still have not learned to play the game, and I refuse to play it.

Never met a lady like you

Sometime last August the phone rang, I expected it to be him because his birthday was coming up and he usually always calls me around that time. It was A as I expected but he was calling because his grandmother passed away and he wanted to share this with me.

I knew Mammy Eve very well, she had come to our house to ask for my hand for her grandson. She was a strong personality and her household ran like clockwork until she fell ill.
It was sad that Mammy Eve died that was one more link to the past that has been severed. There is a photo of me sitting next to her at A's cousin's wedding and we all look so happy...

I knew how much she meant to A - I mean she brought him up. He was asking should he travel home even though she was already buried? and I told him no- there is no need, stay with your wife and children. He then wished me a Ramadan Mbarak and hung up.

During Eid the phone rang again and I knew it was A this time; only he calls at these weird hours, so getting a call at 3.00 AM my time meant it was him in America. I hung up on him as I did not know what to say at 3 in the morning...tonight he calls again at 1.00 AM and I decide to answer.

He: Eid Mubarak Violet
Me: kol am we enta bikheir A.
He: I know it's late, I'm sorry but you are always on my mind and I wanted to wish you a happy Eid. Let me speak English a bit with you my dear. I miss you very much, do you even miss me at all ?
Me: hmm sorry A this is embarassing and we've been through this before, hope your kids and family are all well.
He: don't get me wrong please- I'm not talking about the flesh, I miss your sweet soul, I have never seen a lady like you in my whole life even though I have met many women after you left me..including my wife.. you are just different. There is this sweetness that I cannot describe and the voice I can never forget. Please allow me to remain near you at least in thought. Do you ever regret breaking up? What would have happened if you married me ?
Me: No regrets I said hesitantly because if I married you, you would not be where you are now and I would not have achieved what I have now.
He: I would give that up gladly to be with you again. I have grown more and I would like to have you in my life to be my mentor if nothing else will you be that please? I need you ...
Me: sure as long as I live if you need help I will help you but now I really need to hang up it's getting late..
He: I love you Violet, always did, always will.. the time is not erasing it like you promised it would. Wife, children, hectic life beat in the West, studies and responsibilities are not deleting a single sound bite from the track in my mind ... Please know that in me you have a trustworthy person if you ever felt like talking about anything that worries or bothers you just let me know...
Me: Ok good night A.

It's actually very weird that he phoned, as I've been finding myself extremely emotional lately, wanting to talk but not sure who to talk with anymore. Female best friends were too busy with their own lives and anyway they are probably not too interested to talk to their single friend Violet. Probably afraid I will jinx their happy family or something.

I can't expect him to be available all the time either as he already does so much for me so no need to drag him back when he needs to move on with his life especially that my stories are not earth shattering but just ordinary blues resulting from love deprivation. But I've been feeling melancholic lately and I did recall A and allow myself to think "what if"? would life have been different ? Should I have been more patient? He did love me sincerely that was sure . He also did not care about my age and even now 10 years and a kid later he still thinks I'm the prettiest Libyan girl. Love must be blind.

While on the topic of phone calls, he too called me the day before but at a more decent hour of course. Just wanted to wish me Eid Mubarak.

Life is really ironic, everyone remembered all the special occasions and got in touch except for one person. Maybe he does not see me as the unique lady described by the others :P - mind you I am aware that the others do have a life of their own ....

Hey if this post does not make sense and you feel it is mixing up too many unrelated stories, don't blame me ! Blame Bollywood, I have been overdosing on Zee Aflam movies for the last couple of months to the extent that I'm back thinking that true love, soul mates, sacrifice etc.. actually exist...and that people will burst instantly into singing. Piyar Piyar, tumhare muhabbat ke he ...Damnit I caught myself talking in Hindi/Urdu now too .... :))

Online dating tips for men and women

Browsing Yahoo website you come accross lots of interesting advice, among which are dating tips. since I'm writing chronicles about online dating I thought it would be fun to include these tips and see if all of you have made some of the mistakes listed.

Tips for men
Tips for women

Love is hard: epilogue and new beginning

I think you've all been patient enough so let's get on with this story (for newcomers you have to read part I first) .

They met online in the 90s and for years kept in touch on a daily basis by all the modern means available. They loved each other without saying it, they laughed together and maintained a beautiful relationship across the seas, the miles and the time zones. There was some kind of unwritten agreement that they won't ask for each others personal information including photos until they met in real life. It was mostly from her side she wanted to see whether he would like her for her personality or other attributes. She wanted to know whether love is for the soul or for more worldly matters. She thought he was very mature for his age.They invested in their love until they met physically. They supported each other, he was a Libyan guy fil ghurba and she was a Libyan girl feeling a kind of ghurba in her own country.

She would think every night before going to sleep. "Thank you God for showing me this wonderful human specimen!". It felt great to talk to him in Arabic, in our Libyan patois and at the same time switch to English and know he will understand. It felt good knowing he shared her interests and they got along so well as friends because it did start as a friendship. She loved his accent and even more when he would lapse into the thicker one.

Then he came back home for a visit and the phone was practically glued to their ears. "The phone company should give us a discount they would joke." Whatever information they had kept from each other was revealed and among that her age. – She felt or maybe imagined that love was consolidated even more, but was it really? Little did she know that dark forces were at play here. His love like his frankness were clear and an integral part of their relationship.

So after her 'revelation' he admitted that he had had his doubts about her age when they used to talk but was hoping the gap won't be that much. Then he said "I love you habibti- you are the first love- maybe even the last one but I won't marry you". Though an eternity ago those words resonate in her head and she cannot delete them.

That night he explained his point while she listened till dawn break. "I have other plans and these plans as much as this may hurt me and you now do not include someone your age. If you were two or even five years older than me I would have risked it and faced the situation but I cannot go through this. The tribe, the society, the family and the neighbours will put my family in an awkward and embarrassing position. Look at Karim they would say he could not get a girl his age so he married one 10 years his senior …. Why did he need to do this?'

With every sentence her heart kept sinking, but she clung to the hope that since he still had not seen her he may change his mind. Then he continued "there are other things to take into consideration, I want children, and at 44 you may not be able to provide them. Women age faster than men and you are closer in age to my aunts and mother than to my sisters, it will be hell for you. It crossed my mind once or twice to live with you outside Libya. But I decided no I want to live in my city and I want an ordinary life with a simple woman. Why should I go through with life and make things unnecessarily complicated? It is compatibility I seek not love. I have to be wise; I can't afford to follow my heart, or cripple myself in life" .

"So you do love me she asked? " - "Yes I do habibti, which is why I'll promise you this: I promise to delay my marriage until I know you are settled, happy and married off to a good man." She agreed because she loved him, by then they were so smitten and she so love struck that it felt they were man and woman. It was heavenly this attraction which she felt transcended the physical because they never had seen each other physically. She did not know the colour, texture or scent of his skin, he did not know the taste of her lips but he knew that like the orchid she would open up to his touch. She went to her job during the day with a mysterious smile permanently there on her face. She was secure that he was hers for now, nothing else mattered. They had a covenant.

It was amazing to witness how in love he was. She was happy too, he was healing her past trauma and she became open to finding a comfortable happiness with another man. She was no longer shutting doors in the face of Libyan men . There were two of them she thought would make good husband material. She wanted to ask him how to encourage them to seek her out 3ala sunnat allah wa rasuluh, especially that she was actively seeking to do some matchmaking for him. Their relationship was really comfortable that way.

She was settled and relaxed, a woman in love and loved, a woman fulfilled. She had her criteria about men but with him she really did not care if he turned out to be not one bit like the physical man of her dreams. Why ? not because she was not going to marry him anyway but because love is not just chemistry and sex. You love the person who gives you all the confidence and strength in this world. The man gives that to the woman and the woman to the man. That's how you face life even when you are not actually physically together, that's why you feel comfortable together and that's how you know everything will be all right because you have each other.

Though she did not think that age is an obstacle, she accepted his choice more so because of the covenant and this giving to each other. They enjoyed each other's presence too much. She also loved him very much and seeing him so fulfilled was a joy and as much as she knew that it won't last forever with her and that he would be spending real physical nights and days with another woman one day she was content that he was more than her best friend. He is someone she could denude her soul to and know he would understand. She never stopped to think that another woman would not have accepted this sacrifice; another woman would have thought she was being used. She knew she was not though. She was counting the hours up to their face to face meeting.Then they met ………and the abstraction became reality!

She thought he was not classically handsome, but he was so virile with a cute smile and tender eyes. Though he was shorter than her, his personality made him seem so tall. It was so hard for her to keep away from touching him yet shyness was killing her. Despite her age she felt sixteen and was giggling like an idiot while simultaneously trembling in his presence. She almost fainted when the auras of their twin souls touched each other.


Their love-story developed and when he went away again she spent every hour that was not related to work or some chore with him online or over the phone. She bloomed and even if she was not pretty, her cheeks became rosy, her eyes bright, skin and hair glowing, her lips red.. He showed such care and devotion, international phone calls, advice, trying to smooth any problem she may face and this worked because it was exactly what he promised to do, i.e love and cherish and take care and he was doing it more beautifully every day. She would entertain a glimmer of hope sometimes that things may evolve but she never allowed it to take root because they had a covenant and she had accepted his decision and his point of view.


Then one day a family issue prevented her from being as available as before to him. When things quieted down he confessed that he had met another girl and was in contact with her. She felt hurt and betrayed regardless of the fact that she always knew they would not marry. She thought it would not hurt, but it did. It was shockingly a deja vu situation, reminiscent of the past when every time she would be 'away' the man who had promised' eternal' love would go with another woman.

Karim had been hurt by the other woman which is why he had turned to her, they were first and foremost best friends. Through her daze she never flinched in her support that night. It was only the next day that the shock nested in. She simply was not expecting it to come so soon. She would not lay blame and then negate his good deeds for another man's fault that had left her so hypersensitive. She was hurt because she wanted to be his accomplice of sort when he met a woman. That's how she dreamt it would be. She planned to tzagheret on his wedding; God knows how much her heart would burst from happiness. But she was now so hurt at being taken by surprise as he brought out that old accumulated pain and fear of betrayal the fear that she could never turn her back without the object of love doing something that would hurt her. Part of it was largely unfair to him but the pain was compounded by the fact that she was older and he had made her aware of that very much in his attempt to drill into her head why they were not suited for each other. For the first time in her life she felt old, ugly and undesirable. She felt very much aware of the years that have flown past. She was alone, with no companion and no child. Most of her peers were married and busy with their lives, and the hope for her was fading day by day unless she wanted to settle for a jerk or be someone's third wife. She felt pity for the first time for herself.He almost shattered her self confidence, yet she was lucid enough to know it was not intentional. He has always been honest and logical but online, we give the other all sorts of attributes regardless of how much we think we know them, they are still idealized and romanticized and in a way misunderstandings can happen and secret wishes can be harboured. After all you don't know a person until you've lived or travelled with them and this applies for friends and relationships.

Life goes on and they were both wise not to destroy a perfectly ideal friendship. Because time is a great healer she was able to put the experience behind her and move on just like he had done. As much as he loved her, the ten year age gap was obviously too much to be bridged which meant he did not love her enough! Instead of being hurt she should be grateful as this was not the man she was looking for – she wanted an unconditional timeless love.

When they met again, this new meeting lasted longer allowing her to digest things slower. He was great fun to be with and they laughed so much. So she ended up having her closure when she discovered it was just a heavy infatuation from her side compounded by the web. It could have gone either way love or friendship. They were pilgrim souls who met and recognized each other and were there for each other in time of need. They will still help each other as siblings but he was NOT her man. Her man was out there just within reach and she better keep her heart, mind and soul open not to miss him again and waste precious time.


In conclusion, was it betrayal ? you bet … did it hurt ? sure …any regrets? None!
It is a necessary experience in the general scheme of things and you learn more about yourself and the fact is that you need not only to love the other person selflessly but also to love yourself even more. Libyan blogger Litazia has made a complete blog about love and ' How to have a healthy relationship and maintain it'; a lot of wise words in there garnered from experience !

The main point that struck me in this story is does age really matter? Does being over 30 erase the chance of the woman with an Arab guy in general and a Libyan one in particular?When do you seize to be considered as a complete woman. Is fertility confined to age only? is fertility really that specific and only the domain of women? Aren't children gifts from God which he partakes to whom he wishes? So many questions.