Saturday, November 14, 2009

Letting go: The (still) married lover

You are always advised not to get involved with a married man no matter how much you are or think you are in love, especially if he has children….

When they met, he was separated. Separated for us in the Arab world means divorced; in the West it means that the couple is for the time being not living together and at the same time not legally divorced. When they fell in love, he was on the verge of divorcing then something happened. Her love brought him the stability and friendship he sought and he reconsidered his separation status. His wife suddenly decided to move back with him to another continent and a hostile environment because at her age it was better than starting over with two kids and she was still getting her way.

When they met the first time in Europe, he said "I love you, but I cannot make any promises until my life is back in order, as I have two little children to take care of"

When they met the second time in Asia, he said "Wife has moved to my country and it is a joy to watch my kids thrive again and feel stable. I no longer fight with her, and though the sex is clinical, my work keeps me going and my joy at protecting the children. I'm looking into figuring out a solution that will not put their future at risk but although I'd love to have you for me, please don't wait if you have a chance"

When they met the third time in Europe again it was for one day only and there was barely time to stock on love to keep one going …

When they met the fourth time it was between airports because he has cancelled their meeting for family obligations and when she saw him she noticed immediately how old he had grown… Was this the same man she loved ? she looked beyond the white hair and the large paunch at the kind turquoise eyes. He still was very fit wit well defined muscles, still tall and well built, but he definitely was older. " 50 years old!" she caught herself thinking, Would she want to be with him now that his best years have been with another woman?
He was sorry that it was all he could manage and he promised to dedicate a special time for them to meet again and discuss the future but again he said " I'm still trying to figure away that would not harm my children!"

From the time of their first meeting she told herself that if she encountered a man with whom she felt she would be happy she would not wait for the turquoise eyes to alight on her again. She dated a number of men, all interesting and all successful but they never ticked all the right boxes. And she went on basking in that halo of love that's been bridging 10 years of longing. Ten interminable years of yearning to live together yet knowing somewhere deep inside that it was not going to happen.

The day she held her own child in her arms she finally understood ….She understood that he was not going to leave his kids at least until they were over 18 and provided for. Yes he was frail and human and he fell in love with another woman who was not his wife. She had caught him during the male menopause years and he had outgrown that and calmed down and resigned to making a life for his kids. Plus being 50 meant he would soon be less passionate romance/sex and just content because he still had access to his wife's bed and what does a man want but somewhere to put his weary body? She had learned that the hard way from a younger man who professed eternal love but could not keep his promise. He said at the end of the day, we men just want somewhere to rest …love .. romance etc.. that's just lies..

Cradling her child she knew it was not going to happen and when he phoned her to talk about setting up that meeting, her mouth said "sure that would be great my love", but her heart and head said in unison " why waste a perfectly good holiday for something that will never see the light – you should be concentrating your energy on the one who is available, has no baggage – you live forever".

We hold to each other and think that time stops, but we grow and mature and understand that even in Love there is no black and white. You did not want to live with the guy without marriage and he was not ready to dispose of his old life to marry you.
You can go on loving fiercely but you can have a beautiful, successful and fulfilled life with a partner whom you may not love passionately at first but whom you are sure that he will grow old with you and your child. So you look with tenderness at that snapshot taken 10 years ago during the first candle lit dinner with your lover. The beautiful skin, flushed and rosy with love, the bright sparkling eyes, the way his arm is wrapped possessively around your waist, the way your head is tilted towards his chest and you wish that couple good luck in the next life.

Don't ever fall in love with a married man no matter how unhappy he says he is because he will never leave on his own unless you are prepared to fight for him and break his marriage. NOT all women are ready to do that !

There is no bitterness because he was a gentleman and a best friend and most of all he never made promises. Having reached this stage you know you are ready to let go in peace.

Friday, October 16, 2009

A come back joke : Choosing your man for happiness- the ultimate guide 

I thought it would be best to return to blogging with a little poke at Libyan men.

Please don't be offended as we love you very much!

My question is are these characteristics true ?

دليل السعادة .. في اختيار الرجل


   من تحب الجود والكرم..تأخذ خليجي

 من تحب النفخة....تأخذ تركي

 من تحب الجدية.....تأخذ انجليزي

من تحب الجبنة...تأخذ فرنسي

 من تحب الصبر والجلد...تأخذ هندي

من تحب قلة العقل...تأخذ صيني

 من تحب التكنولوجيا...تأخذ ياباني

 من تحب الجاذبية...تأخذ اسباني

 من تحب المكرونه.....تأخذ ايطالي

من تحب البساطة...تأخذ هولندي

  من تحب العشق و الدلال...تأخذ لبناني

 من تحب السحر...تأخذ مغربي

 من تحب ثقل الدم..تأخذ اردني 

من تحب الكسل.....تأخذ سوداني

         من تحب النكد...تأخذ فلسطيني    

 من تحب الخشونة تأخذ سوري

من تحب الكلام العسل تاخد مصري 

^      واللي تبي الأجر تأخذ


ولها ثواب كبير إن شاء الله

Monday, July 27, 2009

A great summer

Thanks to all friends who have written to ask about me and Pearl! We are enjoying the summer vacation together and will be back with more stories soon.

Have a great summer !

Saturday, May 23, 2009

The High School Crush and the Inner Sanctuary

It was a new school which meant she was a little apprehensive about how will her classmates be. “Will they accept me? Will I like them? What should I wear for my first day at school?” She thought.

She could still remember like it was yesterday the skin tight faded jeans with the matching jacket full of golden buttons a la Michael Jackson, not sure why she wore high heels as well and a little bit of lip gloss – maybe to add what she thought would be glamour and sophistication..

She walked into the classroom and everyone was already greeting each other, the girls were hugging and kissing and the guys hi-fiving, for a split second she was afraid and then she walked to the girls and introduced herself. That’s when she heard him say ‘what a gorgeous ass and look at those legs man!’. She turned around and there he was looking at her with his mischievous smile his long silky black hair covering one eye. Her heart missed a beat and never recovered for the rest of the year as she watched him date the other girls then cry on her shoulder when they would break up. That was the year she learnt the term patience …and to weave fairy tales.

Twenty five years later…Sitting laughing and chatting with a group of friends at the restaurant, she noticed a tall gentleman two tables removed from her party. She could only see his broad back, but the shine of the hair and its colour caught her eye. She was engrossed in the conversation and gesticulating for emphasis when she felt someone gently tap on her shoulder. She turned around, surprise and a little bit annoyed ‘yes? What can I do for you?’

Mariam? He said you ARE Mariam? She looked hard into his face, it’s been a long time and his hair was now no longer like that of a rebel, but that lopsided mischievous smile was still there. Her heart missed a beat again and all those feelings bottled up by the 15 year old rushed into the heart of the woman. But that woman carried unfulfilled romantic desires and she allowed herself to believe those fairy tales weaved a quarter of a century ago. In that one second she thought that dreams actually come true if you waited long enough. It was as if the time apart never happened, they picked up naturally where they left. How do you make a man see you as a woman and not as a friend? And why did he suddenly appear? It must be a sign.. Unfortunately that 15 year old had never left her…A whole year passed like a bullet train and as much as she wanted to, there was nothing she could do except be the friend he wanted and accompany him for that journey in time in the hope he will wake up and realize that the woman he has been describing to her while he was checking out potential brides was her.

So she decided to give it one more try if that did not work she would walk out once and for all – damn those fairy tales in her mind; she had lived without him a lifetime she could continue to do so. Friendship could be a good basis for love but she did not have all the time in the world that the 15 year old had and she did not want to be around to be invited at his wedding that would be really be ironic.

A golden opportunity came their way and she vowed to make the best of it, this was going to be the make or break time. As if by fate their vacations coincided with each other and they were able to spend even more time together than then ever did. They were constantly doing stuff together and talking at all hours of the day and night. There should be a moment where she could crack that shield and let him see she was a female no?

He had surprised her by suggesting a picnic and she went to meet up with him on that beach. She was walking towards him in the warm sand, and noticed that he had used the time waiting for her to prepare a lovely picnic breakfast, tuna, cheese, olives, eggs, tea, juice, honey, milk, fruits and freshly baked bread which he just bought from the bakery and had spread a chequered burgundy and white sheet on the beach . She thought it was as romantic as it gets and he was looking at her smiling and beckoning with a debonair expression. How dashing he looked, his Ipod was blasting Pavarotti’s Nessun Dorma from the speakers…she thought it must be a hint…It seems his mobile rang because she saw him pick it up and laugh and talk excitedly. She reached him just in time to overhear him say ‘ I love you too honey, only one month and you will grace your new home…’ Then he put the phone down and looked at Mariam again. ‘Remember Dania from my cousin’s birthday party? We’re buying the wedding dress from France next week.! Oh Mariam, wish me luck I’m so happy, she is beautiful you will just love her’

She felt the dagger turn in her heart how could she be so wrong? But no he never said anything to her that could be construed as the shadow of a hint. Maybe once when he was particularly down he revealed more than he should and had a spontaneous moment.. The rest of the day went in stupour. She made all the right moves and correct replies, but the heart was no longer in it. She had thrown the dice and taken her chance and lost. The 15 year old inside crumbled and died. Now was the time for a prompt and discreet retreat. He must never know what she felt for him ever! It must remain buried as the high school crush it was all along. In terms of closure it could not get as clear or more melodramatic that this.

If she wanted the friendship to remain unscathed and thrive, she had to give him space and make space for herself. He will be too busy now to notice her absence anyway.

Meanwhile she will busily be exploring the inner sanctuary

Monday, May 18, 2009

The inner sanctuary

It was difficult the first day, you want to reach out then you hold back, one hour, two hours , 24 hrs. Your milestone is 48hrs, the longing subsides and it becomes less painful to think about it...that's when you agree that friendships too need breathing space to thrive.

Then one day you wake up and you find total peace... that is the final inner sanctuary!

Friday, April 10, 2009

The uses of Facebook and other online social networks

In the Arab world traditions have it that whenthere is intent for marriage, the family of the groom usually asks about the bride and her family. They ask neighbours, work colleagues, school and do a little investigation about her suitability. But the girl's family also asks about the groom and his family so that there will be no surprises later. Some brides were known to refuse the offer if the suitor drinks (even socially) and is perfect in every other aspect as an example. Or maybe the marriage request is pulled of the table if the girl had been engaged before. It all depends on personal preference but basically it is about suitability and beeing of equal standing and peers in the society and not just about knowing if the girl has slept around or if the guy is a drug addict. My online friend T sent me this cartoon ( thanks ) and although I laughed at first, its significance struck me as being totally in sync with the times do you know why ? first let me say briefly what it means for those who can't read Arabic ....

Black and white cartoon: In the past
" You know what, before we go and ask for her hand let's go and ask about her and her parents for their neighbours and hopefully it will be good!"

Colour cartoon : In the present

"Don't tell your parents about her yet man, why dont you probe about her on facebook, check her profile, pictures, list of friends and who sent her flowers. Then investigate in Hi5 and it won't be wrong to Google her name see what comes up ... I mean I don't have anything specific on her, but you never know!"

Ironically this is exactly what happened to one of my neighbours, someone proposed to her and she and her cousin checked his profile on Facebook, he had 130 friends and they were all female :P.

Suffice to say that she was not too pleased about this... I don't know what happened afterwards.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Being anorgasmic

Could not reaching an orgasm for women be physiologic and not psychological?

"They did these tests in women who didn't have orgasms and they found that these nerves were different or weakened in the women who had no orgasms. There was a physiological difference between women who could have orgasms and women who couldn't have orgasms. In other words, there was something different about them"

That's what the article implies here.

Any feedback from the readers experience ?

Friday, March 27, 2009

Um Rayed's visit to her son abroad!

Rayed is studying abroad and his mum has come to visit him. To her surprise she is also greeted by his roomate Natasha. The rest to be followed in Arabic...

ما عرفت شو تساوي بس لاحظت إن (ناتاشا ) اللي متشاركة مع ولدها بالغرفه حلوة
... و جذابة... ،،،
فـتوقعت إن في علاقة بينهم ، وهالشي خلاها تحس بالفضوووووول الشديد .........

رائد قدر يقرا أفكار أمه، و تصرف بسرعة، وقال لأمه : أنا عارف شو اللي قاعده
بتفكري فيه،
بس حبيت أطمنك إني انا و ناتاشا مجرد زملاء، متشاركين بالغرفه لا أكثر ولا أقل

المهم بعد فترة رجعت أم رائد على بيتها
بعد شي أسبوع ... ناتاشا قالت لرائد : من يوم سافرت أمك من عنا و أنا
فاقده الطاسه الفضيه تبعت السكر ... تعتقد أمك خذتها معاها ؟
رائد قال : أشك بهالشي، بس خليني أرسل لها أيميل عشان أتأكد ، قعد و كتب
الإيميل لأمه -
أمي الحبيبه:
أنا ما أقول إنك ( أخذتي ) طاسة السكر الفضية من بيتي ... ولا أقول إنك (ما
خذيتيها )،
بس الحقيقه إن الطاسة الفضيه تبعت السكر ضاعت من أول ما رجعتي الأردن .
تحياتي ...

بعد كم يوم ، وصل له رد أمه على الإيميل و الرد يقول :
عزيزي رائد:
أنا ما أقول إنك ( تنام ) مع ناتاشا، ولا أقول إنك (ما تنام ) معاها ...
بس الحقيقه تقول ..
إن لو هي تنام على سريرها الخاص، كان لقت طاسة السكر الفضيه عليه من أول ما
رجعت أنا للأردن.

تحياتي . أمك يا حمار

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The path to true love

"Novak states no amount of speed-dating, set-ups or online questionnaires will help you find a good love match until you deal with your own issues. You have to find yourself before you can find love" [read rest of article here]

I think I finally found an answer to my mistakes :P

Have you found yours ?

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Happy Mother's Day,

It's both children's day and mothers' day in Libya this weekend so all of us are taking mum and our kids out.

Have a fun and happy day !

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Kissing = Bonding

I have always been thinking that the 'secret ingredient' of great sex is kissing, kissing and more kissing but I needed something scientific to prove it. Apparently there has been research on the issue and it was found that saliva exchange through kissing 'increases sex drive'. Thanks On the Edge for showing me that my hunch has been true all along :)

She posted a great article from Live Science magazine about it here.

In my opinion, the increased sex drive not only helps to satisfy the body and work towards that 2 minute orgasm :P but I believe that those long kisses somehow affect your whole being to the point where the earth actually moves, your world shatters, your knees buckle, your heart flutters and you almost faint ? And don't tell me that's what you get during a one night stand or a passing affair.

I suggest you go back to smooching the way you did in highschool ;) or on the dancefloor as we see in old movies to regain that feeling. Advice : don't stop kissing because for the men that's how you will be able to move that woman by remote control, or satisfy her emotional need (from My Personal Space blog). Then in your eyes she will become a Venus (breasts and all) and in her eyes you will become a superman (dragon, muscles and all).

Kissing is the secret glue for love .. is that not ? or am I a romantic idiot ?

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Is it really true ?

One of my readers sent me this by email! (thanks T). I was wondering if men really wish for such a device - and if women could what would they put in this remote?

Friday, February 27, 2009

The Politics of Love

The first week at university is the week where you not only learn about the building and the campus and make friends but it is the one during which you receive an induction about life.

For me it was the third day that was most significant, that was the day when 5 or 6 girls took me aside and told me that if you don't secure a guy from the beginning you are not going to get married anytime soon. Violet! they said forget about honesty and love and play the game, don't be too smart even if you are in a faculty were only the smartest are accepted, if you like someone don't show it yet at the same time pay attention to him, feign innocence even if you want to go to bed him there and then. Say no all the time not in the name of morality and purity but just so he can think you are pure and virginal. At least if you want to marry him. If you follow this prescription you will get any man for keeps. Libyan men don't really care if you love them or not, all they care about is if you tick the right trigger points in their imagination.

I thought that was such a cynical piece of advice, but with hindsight I would say it does not only apply to Libyan men but probably all men. I find it sad that one needs to play a game to be with a man you love and know you are right for him and he right for you.

All those girls ended up married just after they graduated even though they dated several guys at the same time.

Then I read a post by Shams-she has made the same observation about the advice those girls gave me.

"You were brought up with virtues of honesty, bravery and principles, but when the heartache begins, you know that you offered the utmost idealism and honesty of all, and you forgot war is man, and man is war of think attraction is spontaneous, and all the natural chemistry of two civilized beings, you mistaken, attraction is politics of hide and seek and the use of imagination to obstruct reality...Reality for man does not see romance in daylight, only through beams of illusions [...] you want your heart to speak in truth, you want your hands to stretch in liberty to his use, you want to reach deep in your feminine side, you want to give and give and love... I then apologize for your idealists shortcoming for he is an animal, he would not understand truthful civilization, he wants the game, the challenge, the risk, the caveman life... the exception are only for the enlightened, kind ones, and you can count few, almost a myth .[sic]"

Those enlightened men are rare and far between one can almost forget about them just like my legendary dragon. I still have not learned to play the game, and I refuse to play it.

Friday, February 13, 2009

The White Tigress and The Dragon's Tail

Reading Ian Kerner's Passionista, "or the empowered woman's guide to enjoying sex to the fullest—and ensuring that he does the same", I collected some cute tips. Whilst a lot of the information provided is not new :) , the method of presentation was fun and extremely user friendly. The conclusion is that the orgasm is not as important as the journey towards it. That journey is defined by each one of us. The successful woman is the one who overcomes her man's inhibitions and tendency to take shortcuts.

But the most interesting bit I was introduced to was the concept of the White Tigress. These are allegedly the teachings of a long extinct secret society of Taoist sexual warriors. I confess I don't know what that means -a sexual warrior-, is that a spy or a gangster group of old times?

For the White Tigress , Eros basically maintains eternal youth and life energy. She could get it in two ways, both involving a male consort

(1) the one she seduces: the Green Dragon ( in modern words her playtoy :P)
(2) an equal partner: the Jade Dragon ( whom she pleasures and derives pleasure from)

The way of the White Tigress reminds me of the Kama Sutra, Tantric Love and other related topics with a mix of martial arts.

Googling White Tigress throws up some gems and some hometruths:

The Feminine Heart flourishes in love. Yet attracting trustworthy male energy, attracting friends, or lovers who have a strong sense of direction and purpose may seem difficult to find these days. Many women have spent years developing their own individuality and strength to the point where they have become tired of “doing it all”. Their own natural Feminine Heart has become masculinized, guarded and unsatisfied in love. For a woman to know deeper levels of intimacy, she needs to understand, reclaim and learn how to be at home in the beauty and power of her natural feminine essence." Amara [source].

How many women identify with the above? I'm curious for your input..

Applied in the modern world, the principle if I understand well is for a woman to take her life in her own hands like a White Tigress not to wait for things to happen to be fulfilled.
A modern passionista will 'learn to find the Green Dragon and the Jade Dragon in the same guy' [page 105].

A question for my male readers which type of dragon are you? As for my female readers have you found that dragon ? or is he a legendary being :P

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Love and midlife crisis ....illusion or truth?

She could not pinpoint the exact time when she started thinking that maybe love between a man and a woman does not exist.

Maybe it is a firmament of our imagination? or maybe she had lost the capacity to love? It all felt numb in the heart area or wherever that part was that made her feel warm and tingly and hopeful about life.

Love felt like something distant, a legend, something that was constantly ahead of her. It's as if she was running after a mirage and each time she thought she held it, the image would melt between her fingers.
Was this what they called midlife crisis or was she experiencing some form of early menopause?

It was tragic because she was incapable of discerning a man's love anymore. She was not talking about the physical longings, but about feelings and emotions. There was a void and a hollowness and as a result she felt trapped in a sound proof transparent room. She could see him but she couldnt hear him...