Saturday, November 14, 2009

Letting go: The (still) married lover

You are always advised not to get involved with a married man no matter how much you are or think you are in love, especially if he has children….

When they met, he was separated. Separated for us in the Arab world means divorced; in the West it means that the couple is for the time being not living together and at the same time not legally divorced. When they fell in love, he was on the verge of divorcing then something happened. Her love brought him the stability and friendship he sought and he reconsidered his separation status. His wife suddenly decided to move back with him to another continent and a hostile environment because at her age it was better than starting over with two kids and she was still getting her way.

When they met the first time in Europe, he said "I love you, but I cannot make any promises until my life is back in order, as I have two little children to take care of"

When they met the second time in Asia, he said "Wife has moved to my country and it is a joy to watch my kids thrive again and feel stable. I no longer fight with her, and though the sex is clinical, my work keeps me going and my joy at protecting the children. I'm looking into figuring out a solution that will not put their future at risk but although I'd love to have you for me, please don't wait if you have a chance"

When they met the third time in Europe again it was for one day only and there was barely time to stock on love to keep one going …

When they met the fourth time it was between airports because he has cancelled their meeting for family obligations and when she saw him she noticed immediately how old he had grown… Was this the same man she loved ? she looked beyond the white hair and the large paunch at the kind turquoise eyes. He still was very fit wit well defined muscles, still tall and well built, but he definitely was older. " 50 years old!" she caught herself thinking, Would she want to be with him now that his best years have been with another woman?
He was sorry that it was all he could manage and he promised to dedicate a special time for them to meet again and discuss the future but again he said " I'm still trying to figure away that would not harm my children!"

From the time of their first meeting she told herself that if she encountered a man with whom she felt she would be happy she would not wait for the turquoise eyes to alight on her again. She dated a number of men, all interesting and all successful but they never ticked all the right boxes. And she went on basking in that halo of love that's been bridging 10 years of longing. Ten interminable years of yearning to live together yet knowing somewhere deep inside that it was not going to happen.

The day she held her own child in her arms she finally understood ….She understood that he was not going to leave his kids at least until they were over 18 and provided for. Yes he was frail and human and he fell in love with another woman who was not his wife. She had caught him during the male menopause years and he had outgrown that and calmed down and resigned to making a life for his kids. Plus being 50 meant he would soon be less passionate romance/sex and just content because he still had access to his wife's bed and what does a man want but somewhere to put his weary body? She had learned that the hard way from a younger man who professed eternal love but could not keep his promise. He said at the end of the day, we men just want somewhere to rest …love .. romance etc.. that's just lies..

Cradling her child she knew it was not going to happen and when he phoned her to talk about setting up that meeting, her mouth said "sure that would be great my love", but her heart and head said in unison " why waste a perfectly good holiday for something that will never see the light – you should be concentrating your energy on the one who is available, has no baggage – you live forever".

We hold to each other and think that time stops, but we grow and mature and understand that even in Love there is no black and white. You did not want to live with the guy without marriage and he was not ready to dispose of his old life to marry you.
You can go on loving fiercely but you can have a beautiful, successful and fulfilled life with a partner whom you may not love passionately at first but whom you are sure that he will grow old with you and your child. So you look with tenderness at that snapshot taken 10 years ago during the first candle lit dinner with your lover. The beautiful skin, flushed and rosy with love, the bright sparkling eyes, the way his arm is wrapped possessively around your waist, the way your head is tilted towards his chest and you wish that couple good luck in the next life.

Don't ever fall in love with a married man no matter how unhappy he says he is because he will never leave on his own unless you are prepared to fight for him and break his marriage. NOT all women are ready to do that !

There is no bitterness because he was a gentleman and a best friend and most of all he never made promises. Having reached this stage you know you are ready to let go in peace.


Jewaira said...

Yes, and that is the way it will always be.

Sad, but so very true.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes you could be a second wife, and sometimes - very rarely- it does work out actually.

Romana said...

Welcome back Violet... your posts, as always give me the chills... but as you said, never get involved with attached men... you will always end up the loser in this scenario... and if on the rare occassion you did win... you will always feel guilty, and you will always be the other woman...

I keep thinking, what if it happened to me? someone took my man (though non-existant at the mean time) from me?

Good to have you back :)

shlemazl said...

It's nice of her to understand him. Perhaps a little too nice.

Fantasia Lillith said...

I don't often comment on this subject because I tire of being judged as a woman of loose morals but ... I don't agree and it makes me unpopular. Perhaps it's because I have been there and I know better than to make a sweeping comment on the subject. Each and every situation is unique. I know as many that failed, as those that worked out in the end.

It was and is different for us. Years later we have no regrets. We left some sorrow behind us, yes. But I am not the keeper of my ex husbands happiness. He is. We share the blame for things not working out.

Both married when we met. Yet neither regrets the new path. Guilt, it has been proven - is the most useless emotion known to man. Also ironic, the only taught emotion.

When I told my shrink I felt guilt - he told me this:

Who do you think you are?

In shock I did not understand until he said:

He'll get over you, get over yourself. No one is that important. Guilt is just the ego talking. Ego, social branding and religion.

In the end - what matters is not if they are or are not married. What matters is if BOTH are on the same page.

It doesn't work, not because he was/is married. It doesn't work, because he doesn't know what he wants and they do not share the same end goal.

I suffered more from my parents "trying" to make it work, than the eventual divorce. Staying together for the kids is only an excuse used to not face the truth. The error, the pain, that hardship.

As a very very wise bishop once said to me: It is easier to stay in a bad relationship than to leave. Leaving requires real strength. Staying only requires surrender.

I agree with him.

Libyan Violet said...

Jewaira, very sad story indeed.Do you really think this will always be like this ?

Libyan Violet said...

Anonymous - personally I believe in polygamy for the right motives. Not sure if the heroine of the story shares the same idea :P but yeah that could be an option and the guy would want to offer that option as well right ?

Libyan Violet said...

Romana dear, you're the one who writes great stories..who would dare take Romana's man now :) I'm sure you would skin him and her alive!

Libyan Violet said...

Shlemazl, yes too nice, I thought so too. Men don't like it if you are too nice, that's a sign of weakness and they will gravitate towards the one who holds the whip ;)

Libyan Violet said...

Oh Fantasia, so happy to see you here! You know what, you're 100% right it takes a real man to make a decision and stick to it. The children will grow and leave the nest and he will be left with bitterness and regrets of what might have been. Some people just don't weigh it right, and it is especially more painful if the sacrifice is made in the name of kids who will not look at him again as it does happen in this big bad world. I agree with your bishop !

Romana said...

LV :) A happy new year to you :)
shokran 3ala il nice reply :) and lol, i wouldnt skin either of them though, hehehe, i will just get a divorce... i always think, if i was 'happiliy married' and my 'happy' husband considers someone else, then i guess my 'happiness' is a fragment of my imagination... who knows, im not there yet... la married, walla cheated on... but if he ever cheats, i would rather not know... really, if it was just a physical affair, i wouldnt want to know. men are dogs... and if he slipped while on a trip abroad... i would rather be the "none the wiser" bit of the story... if it was an emotional affair, i guess divorce papers would be my first step to end my marraige affair with him..

say much romana? lol

Really good to have you back!

Fantasia Lillith said...

I stop in from time to time ... :)

Libyan Violet said...

When you say 'men are dogs' this to me signals that some guy has hurt you at one point Romana :(

I would say a large number of men are not the perfect creatures we wish they are but some them once in a lifetime can surprise you and be an exception to this rule. When you meet with that kind of man, don't let go ...

Libyan Violet said...

Fantasia, thanks for stopping by sweetie I love your blog too :)

Romana said...

LV :)
Is it that obvious? :)

U know, I would love to meet you one day :)

And inshalla we both find him, the one that will suprise us... from what i read, you probably have found urs :)

Libyan Violet said...

Romana, I guess it's obvious for those who can see :P

Honoured that you wish to meet me, I would love to be able to meet you and a number of others on the blogs who are 10 000 times more interesting than some people I see daily !

Romana said...

:) please drop me a line whenever you feel like meeting up :)

Sparkling Motivation said...

It's important to be aware of what one does in life...

And if a man is devoted to his family, despite the fact that he has no affection to the wife, the idea of being in love with this guy, is more like being a third leg or wheel.

You know what I tell myself?


Luv n hugz