Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Taxis and love stories

Taxi drivers are the same anywhere in the world, and those in Libya do not differ from those in Bangkok it seems with their wish to talk with their customers. Either that or I must be attracting the weirdest characters.

Today since my car was scheduled to be serviced I decided to use a taxi for my various errands. I hailed a cab to return home and usually I like to make my phone calls in the car as this saves time. I left a message on my friend's answer machine and was telling Pearl on the other line that I will soon be home when the driver - let's call him X interrupts me :

Miss - I'd like to take your opinion about something that concerns me and which I believe that you can help me decide on...

me: go ahead

X: I work in a company - this driving thing is a part time job only to make ends meet- and I became involved with a colleague who is already engaged to someone.

me: OK

X: I mean nothing haram - but it started as a friendship and colleagues supporting each other at work and seems to have developped into caring for each other or maybe what they call love ( he is saying this really shyly) - I mean don' t take me wrong but I think I understood that the fiance was forced on her and well anyway now I cannot imagine myself without her.

me ( putting my sunglasses on to cover my eyes as I became uncomfortable) : OK so what can I do for you ?

X: well you see we kind of had a fight and now she is not picking up the phone and sometimes she does pick it up - and you know the more I don't talk to her the more I miss her.

me : OK - ( I guess he just wants someone to share his story with )

X : well - to be honest I love her very much and would marry her straight away if she breaks up her engagement.

me : how generous of you - ok so what's the problem ?

X: the thing is Im afraid that if I marry her I would not be able to help myself to doubt her..

me: now we're talking ..what do you mean?

X: well Im scared that I may be thinking that since she spoke to me while she was engaged she may talk to another man when we are married... are girls like that ? I mean you know you are one..

me : no I am not one , don't bring me as an example so what's your point ?

X: sorry no offense meant I just wanted your opinion - you females talk to each other and maybe you can give me some advice.

me: well this is not about me so don't drag me in it- but basically you love this woman to the point of wanting to marry her and yet despite that you are admitting you most likely will not trust her not to cheat on you since she is 'cheating' on the fiance she does not love even though all you are doing is talking ? and you want me to put your conscience at rest?
Sorry my advice - is twofold : (1) let her ditch her fiance and you marry her and live happily ever after and stop the evil thoughts since she was cheating to talk with you because you love each other or (2) stop all contact with her and let her get on with her life - you should not be involved romantically with a spoken for woman and to be honest she should not have been speaking with you either even if she does not care for her fiance. But leaving him to be with you will be a loss for since your love is no garantie that you will not ruin her life with your doubts. Therefore let her have the security with a man who obviously does wish to marry her.

X: I've thought about all that - but I miss her too much and I want her to start talking to me again as this makes me feel so much better. I'm lost without her in my life. At least let us get back to talking to each other and sharing problems etc...

me: seems to me you are selfish - you want your cake and to eat it? - you want to have the woman in your life because you have gotten used to her as a friend etc.. and you don't want to shoulder the responsibility of a wife, so you won't mind her being with the other man as long as you can have her whenever the whim to talk to her takes you ? wow

X: no - no but I cannot believe what she told me that she will never forget me if we are apart - is it true women don't forget ? I mean you know ...

me : no I don't know ... but if you both love each other than I'm sure like you can't forget her she can't forget you. However, you need to think straight about your objectives. If you want her as mother of your children and companion go get her and stop beating round the bush. If you want a platonic mistress for your own selfish reasons - even if you call that love- then stop it right now. Finally if you love her then you would do what is best for her! May God guide you in the right path my brother and pray to Him a lot. Can you please turn to the right here that's my street.

Now I'm wondering - do I have written on my face marriage counsellor ? His story is not unique it's a classic in Libya. Man loves woman and vice versa but is reluctant to marry her because she spoke with him... therefore she may speak to another man after she secures him as husband. With all due respect, and although I know there are numerous cheating wives, you men forget that she spoke to you because something about you charmed her and she fell in love. Seems it is never a win-win situation..sigh

Friday, October 05, 2007

Masochism, bad luck and incorrect choices

The dictionary explains that 'masochism' means any of the following depending on the situation:

1. Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
2. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
3. the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
4. the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.

1,2, and 3 are clearly out of the equation but could my recurrent failed attempt to find and hold love be an expression of my " tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc" ? This is the question that continues to stare at me in space. Could this be the reason the hurt and pain that has constituted the bigger part of my life spent in search of that mate and partner the failure to create a successful team and joint partnership or is it simply down to luck and incorrect choices?

Retrospectively and with hindsight I can pinpoint the exact moment where the detour occurred which launched arelationship into 'destruct mode'. Yet was that moment really my fault, or have I offended Fortuna, Ganesha and Benten simultaneously? o r is there no such thing as bad luck but only God's providence?

The third option would be incorrect choice, is it possible for one human being to continue making the wrong choices for decades with history continuing to repeat itself in a predictable manner from the initial spark of attraction to the bittersweet end.

I struggle on a daily basis with these theories, questions like 'what if I had said or not said a particular statement' rise in a crescendo and cascade like hammers on my brain while wave after wave of pain constrict my heart and only recede to die a slow excruciating death on the beaches of my soul, leaving memories of raw flesh exposed and battered by the elements.

It is the last and third leg of Ramadan 2008, I don't want to commit blasphemy by questioning God's wisdom especially when he has these beautiful words for us, urging us not to give up on his Mercy despite our deeds.

قال تعالى: قل ياعبادي الذين أسرفو على أنفسهم لاتقنطو من رحمة الله
Yet I can't help thinking: Where are the real men? Am I condemned to an eternity of hermitage or do eternal and infinite peace lie only in death?

Wishing you all a blissful Eid soon in the company of your loved ones I will be hugging Pearl extra tight tonight.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

It's Ramadan

Happy Ramadan to you all. It's the second day for us here in Libya.

This blog will take a short holiday as we can't be discussing 'sensitive' topics, plus no one will be reading me anyway.

See you after Eid

Violet and Pearl

Sunday, August 19, 2007

In the heart or out of it ?

Have you ever wondered if 'out of sight is out mind' or does 'absence make the heart grow fonder' ?

What do you think ?

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Teeanage fantasies

I'm back from the holidays, Egypt was great and we had fun at my uncle's house in Alexandria. Some of my cousins are in their teens and they reminded me of myself at that age.

You know when you hit puberty all sort of emotions start raging inside you and I was not immune to that either. I would fantasize about a guy and usually the daydream would be like a movie with the main character him and me and romantic actions. I would describe this guy to my best friend in great details and she would sigh and laugh at me, then we would giggle. I spent a whole summer looking at magazines to find someone I could relate to. But there would always be a detail missing here and there. So many years have passed since I was 14, more than I care to say but at long last the fantasy has been brought to life. This man is the living incarnation of those fantasies.... what am I going to do knowing this vision is walking the earth !


Sunday, April 29, 2007

Five things you did not know about me

Shlemazl tagged me (thanks), I am so excited as this is the first time someone does ...

(1) I am not that old !
(2) My daughter will soon be as tall as me .
(3) I love tight jeans and miniskirts
(4) I read a lot ( yes I do ! )
(5) I like horses and wish to learn to ride one day.

Whoever has not done this please consider yourself tagged..

Saturday, April 07, 2007

'Draw me closer' : don't push away my outstretched hand

I don't kow if you've had the time to check my sidebar ? I've collected a number of interesting (to me and I hope to you as well) bloggers, whose common denominator is romance and erotica..

Sheema Kalbasi is from Iran and How it goes naked is her 'literary journey'.

This is my favourite bit:

"I want to be virgin of all the memories, and the life experiences but you. I want to be a markless paper and be marked by you. I want my past, present, and the future to have your name on it. I want to have a body that can be made love to by you uninterruptedly. I want to have a heart that has one city's name on it, the city where you ARE at any given time. I have been handed this love generation after generation to find you somewhere close or even from far to let you know of the truth. Take away the roaming features of Sizdah Bedar from my memory. I want to survive the aching for my homeland from the edge of this country.
Draw me closer. I love you" [read more]

I missed a lot, trying to catch up ! Thanks for still reading me ...

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Soul mates & Endless love : The eternal question ?

I had forgotten Valentine's Day but an hour ago the phone rang, an overseas call since I cannot see the number…

He : Hello sweetheart
Me : Hello
He: I missed your voice and am basically calling to tell you Happy Valentine habibti
Me ( oh my God it's him ) : Thank you …soooo much that is so sweet of you

The rest of the conversation was simply catching up on each others news… that's how life is..

Then a bit later my eyes alight on this piece of news "can you have two soulmates?" this is very weird I ask myself can you love 2 people simultaneously, how can that happen ?

Well, I think there is only one soulmate and you are lucky when/if you get him/her… but folks what do you think ? wanna share ?

In the meantime Ladies and gentlemen allow me to share with you my most favourite Valentine card – it's 22 years old now:

Today, I'm feeling the distance between us a little more than most days..
I'm missing your smile, your touch, your easy ways.
I'm feeling a little lonelier than usual,
thinking of you a little more,
and missing the way I feel when I'm with you.
Today, like everyday that you are away,
I'm missing you and wishing you were here...
only today, I find myself wishing just a little bit more.

(Unknown author)

Friday, January 12, 2007


Looking through my profile , I just realized that this blog has been online for over a year now since November 2005, I missed the birthday !

I also have not blogged for a while was too busy with Pearl and family issues.

So here is a late Happy New Year and Eid !