Friday, October 05, 2007

Masochism, bad luck and incorrect choices

The dictionary explains that 'masochism' means any of the following depending on the situation:


1. Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
2. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
3. the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
4. the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.


1,2, and 3 are clearly out of the equation but could my recurrent failed attempt to find and hold love be an expression of my " tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc" ? This is the question that continues to stare at me in space. Could this be the reason the hurt and pain that has constituted the bigger part of my life spent in search of that mate and partner the failure to create a successful team and joint partnership or is it simply down to luck and incorrect choices?

Retrospectively and with hindsight I can pinpoint the exact moment where the detour occurred which launched arelationship into 'destruct mode'. Yet was that moment really my fault, or have I offended Fortuna, Ganesha and Benten simultaneously? o r is there no such thing as bad luck but only God's providence?

The third option would be incorrect choice, is it possible for one human being to continue making the wrong choices for decades with history continuing to repeat itself in a predictable manner from the initial spark of attraction to the bittersweet end.

I struggle on a daily basis with these theories, questions like 'what if I had said or not said a particular statement' rise in a crescendo and cascade like hammers on my brain while wave after wave of pain constrict my heart and only recede to die a slow excruciating death on the beaches of my soul, leaving memories of raw flesh exposed and battered by the elements.


It is the last and third leg of Ramadan 2008, I don't want to commit blasphemy by questioning God's wisdom especially when he has these beautiful words for us, urging us not to give up on his Mercy despite our deeds.

قال تعالى: قل ياعبادي الذين أسرفو على أنفسهم لاتقنطو من رحمة الله
Yet I can't help thinking: Where are the real men? Am I condemned to an eternity of hermitage or do eternal and infinite peace lie only in death?

Wishing you all a blissful Eid soon in the company of your loved ones I will be hugging Pearl extra tight tonight.

8 comments:

Highlander said...

Eid Mabrouk !

Anonymous said...

I believe so many of us love to feel the pain ,most of them don't admit it even to themselves...
Every time i think really deep in the things i lost ,how i let those i cared about the most to go with out a fight ,how every time i had a real opportunity to hold happiness but i ran away like a maniac..When i think of these moments , a low voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that :It's u,u can't handle happiness,u feel like Sh**,but yet u are so afraid to feel happy.Why?because u believe life is not about getting what u want ,it ii simply that u like to feel the touch of vthe happiness ,just to enjoy pushing it away..
I don't know if that applies to u ,but it Certainly applies to me
Thank u
The Citizen

Anonymous said...

I am having hard time how to respond to your post because I understand what you are trying to say.


I cannot understand why people are not able to be happy,be kind to others,be truthful,mind their own business and wish the best for others.


My motto is to be happy and I am not going to waste my time with people who are negative, as life on this earth is too short.

When you are young with no responsibilities, the focus is to fall in love and when you do, it is the most wonderful thing.

Where as you grow older, things do change, you have a job, you have responsibilities, falling in love gets harder because you start to calculate everything and start analyzing. This applies to a person who marries late, divorced with children or with out.

Many times a man or woman do not know what they want or get betrayed by the other person whom they had too much hope on them. Maybe life is not fair. For every person there is a mate somewhere in this world.


I could write more but certain things I can not write in public as it has to do with privacy.

MusicLover

Search exactly what I wrote this on youtube and every time you feel down, listen to this

The Rolling Stones - Wild Horses (Acoustic Demo 1971)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DP0S9CeEl5w&
feature=related

Elton John - Your Song

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTa8U0Wa0q8

Hibo said...

long time i cant` see Around?

LoveLyH said...

Happpppppppppy Eid



Enjoy ur Eid Times With Family Or With Ur Friends.

Anonymous said...

Eid Mubarak

MusicLover

youtube.com/watch?v=aS6-b7CONDI

Highlander said...

Eid Adha Mabrouk :)

Libyan Violet said...

Highlander- thank you for your wishes and the same to you !

The Citizen I wish a good friend of mine would read these words and learn from your experience :

"Every time i think really deep in the things i lost ,how i let those i cared about the most to go with out a fight ,how every time i had a real opportunity to hold happiness but i ran away like a maniac..When i think of these moments , a low voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that :It's u,u can't handle happiness,u feel like Sh**,but yet u are so afraid to feel happy.Why?because u believe life is not about getting what u want
Tears pour down my cheeks everytime I read the above passage.

Music Lover your words too a like a balsam on wounds...Eid Mubarak !

LovelyH/Hibo thank you for asking about me and Happy Eid to you as well.