Men Are Hard To Please

The problems with GUYS:

If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;

If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.



If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from KAMPUNG.



If u ARG UE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;

If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.



If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;

If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.



If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;

If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.


If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;

If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.



If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;

If u don't, he says that u don't TRUST him.



If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;

If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.



If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;

If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.



If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;

If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEM A N.



If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;

If he does WELL, it's BRAINS.



If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;

If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please!!!!!



If u send this to guys, they will swear that it's not true.......
but if u don't, they say u are selfish.....

Guys is this true ???????

Training the American male

Michelle Fitoussi , in Elle magazine French version, had an interesting article on page 7 of the July 10 2006 issue ( I know it's funny we are in December and I'm ready the July issue, but I have so much on my plate ... ) So anyway Michelle was speaking about some American writer who wanted to train her man to behave the way she wants to and wrote about it to describe the procedure .

Why waste more time I thought this is cool let me find this article and read it first hand.

Modern Love
What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage
By AMY SUTHERLAND
Published: June 25, 2006

Excerpts

"As I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, irritated. "Have you seen my keys?" he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and stomps from the room with our dog, Dixie, at his heels, anxious over her favorite human's upset.
In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned off the faucet and joined the hunt while trying to soothe my husband with bromides like, "Don't worry, they'll turn up." But that only made him angrier, and a simple case of missing keys soon would become a full-blown angst-ridden drama starring the two of us and our poor nervous dog. Now, I focus on the wet dish in my hands. I don't turn around. I don't say a word. I'm using a technique I learned from a dolphin trainer.

[...] I wanted — needed — to nudge him a little closer to perfect, to make him into a mate who might annoy me a little less, who wouldn't keep me waiting at restaurants, a mate who would be easier to love. [...] Eventually it hit me that the same techniques might work on that stubborn but lovable species, the American husband.
The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. [...] You can't expect a baboon to learn to flip on command in one session, just as you can't expect an American husband to begin regularly picking up his dirty socks by praising him once for picking up a single sock.(LOOOOOL) [...]

I followed the students to SeaWorld San Diego, where a dolphin trainer introduced me to least reinforcing syndrome (L. R. S.). When a dolphin does something wrong, the trainer doesn't respond in any way. He stands still for a few beats, careful not to look at the dolphin, and then returns to work. The idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behavior. If a behavior provokes no response, it typically dies away. In the margins of my notes I wrote, "Try on Scott! " [...]After two years of exotic animal training, my marriage is far smoother, my husband much easier to love. I used to take his faults personally; his dirty clothes on the floor were an affront, a symbol of how he didn't care enough about me. [...] When the training techniques worked so beautifully, I couldn't resist telling my husband what I was up to. He wasn't offended, just amused. As I explained the techniques and terminology, he soaked it up. Far more than I realized. [...] One morning, as I launched into yet another tirade about how uncomfortable I was, Scott just looked at me blankly. He didn't say a word or acknowledge my rant in any way, not even with a nod.
I quickly ran out of steam and started to walk away. Then I realized what was happening, and I turned and asked, "Are you giving me an L. R. S.?" Silence. "You are, aren't you?"
He finally smiled, but his L. R. S. has already done the trick. He'd begun to train me, the American wife."

The piece above reminded me so much of how I handle Pearl; praise here , punish here , subtly giving the message , just the usual life of a mother or Supernanny ( do you recall the TV series ? ).

Funnily enough many people wrote to Amy for advice :

Dear Amy: How do you get results from stubborn hubbies without being accused of
being the “nagger.” — Gail, Tampa, Fla.
Dear Gail: Simply adopt the approach
progressive animal trainers use: reward behavior you like and ignore, as much as
you can, behavior you don’t. When I did this with my husband, I found that I
almost stopped nagging. Almost, I say, because I am human, after all.

It also seems past literatture is ric\ch in books with the same message, such as in 1994 "how to make your man behave in 21 days using the professional dog trainers" - hilarious - what is it with men and dogs ? check the excerpts:

Doggie Dos and Don'ts: "Gentle strokes and playful petting techniques are
positive motivational techniques for rewarding good behavior."
Flight and Chase Behavior: "If your dog is running away from you, the worst
thing to do is chase after him . . . remain calm, act like you're having loads
of fun without him, and soon he'll be trotting eagerly back ."

Some people compared men to buses - ok less offensive than dog I daresay.


"Bloody men are like bloody buses - you wait for about a year and as soon
as one approaches your stop two or three others appear. Wendy
Cope" check her whole poem here .
That's actually quite appropriate to my earlier Baby post .

Do you think we should treat our men like kids ( or dogs ;-) ) and use all those expert advices on them ?

Why can't men be just like women and you don't need to resort to any stratagems ?

Do you think Amy's method would work on Libyans ? Or Arabs for that matter ?

The Baby

After years of waiting you are given the chance to have a baby with the love of your life .... what do you do ?

Having a child toghether was our living daydream, his eyes and my skin colour, my hair and his long legs, etc.. the baby was going to be the cutest thing you ever saw walked the earth.... but hey it was only a dream to be indulged in . He has his own kids and I have Pearl ....

I'm not sure what happened, midlife crisis maybe ? but now suddenly after I had accepted that he will only be my mentor and best friend and after I have stopped thinking about him as a father to my kids ... he comes up out with this suggestion out of the blue :

"let's have that baby as soon as possible ! He /she will have my name, I will be
responsible for everything"

Oh my God ! what do I do ? is he asking me to marry him now after all these years ? He knows I won't be having any kids out of wedlock .. no matter how much I would be crazy in love..
What would you do ? share a man you loved with his family and fulfill you past dream safe in the knowledge that he will take care of you forever. Or go and have your baby with a man you love but don't need to share with anyone but at the same time where nothing is guaranteed except the excitement of starting a new life, new horizons and no complications .......


I like the following prayer very much: [ref] , when i find myself at loss .... but really the timing of this request is very very strange

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things which should be changed,and the
Wisdom to distinguishthe one from the other. "

Would you have his baby ? whose baby ? Life is really ironic first you have no choice and suddenly the choices are limitless..... do good things really come in threes or is it a poisoned chalice ?

Clarification 26-11-06 I see some readers did not understand :) the question is should she have the baby with her old love or new love ?

In sickness and in health, till death do us part !

We've been having a lot of sexual content lately I thought I'd tone it down and talk about another important topic between couples. Namely when the man acts like a jerk ( the woman does sometimes too by the way , but this blog is about women experiences , but men are welcome to share their own pain of course ), and Libyan men are not exempt from being total jerks either.

It has always been my understanding that marriage was a serious union -even a steady partnership is or the intention of marriage , and regardless of religious concerns I love the wedding vows expressed here , and if I get married again I intend to insert them somehow in my ceremony. I think the part below is the most meaningful to me and I 100% uphold and believe in it !

"I X take thee Y to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to
hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in
sickness and in health, to love, honour, and cherish, 'til death do us part, and
thereto I plight thee my troth."

But you are asking what brought this to my mind ? Well I met recently with a sister of one of my university classmates, and when we spoke about her sister A. she told me she was married and had two beautiful kids in America. So I took her phone number and immediately called her to congratulate her and talk about old times.

You see A. has a special story, which affected me immensely when it happened. Having spent part of her childhood in America, A. was one of those Libyan girls whose dream was to go back there. All her efforts were geared at securing a Libyan fiance among the US community. It seemed that her dream came thru when she was bethroted to one from a good family. To speed up the process of her visa application they had the Qiran or Nikah contract ( marriage contract) and were officially married without consuming the marriage until her real wedding night though. So marriage on paper still. But she was in everything his wife and was preparing for the day she will be wearing the white dress and pack her belongings and move with him in the home they bought toghether in Detroit. He came to visit in the last summer a few weeks before their marriage party. Invitations were sent to over 500 guests. Camels were bought, sheep were purchased, halls were rented, sweets and food was ordered, all the hullaboo following a Libyan wedding of a first born child.

A. was adamant that she will start her new life by putting into practice what she and N. had agreed on : never to hide anything from each other, and so she decided to tell him about her very recent surgery.
A few weeks before he came, A . felt a lump under her right armpit near her breast, she went to have it checked and had a biopsy and was diagnosed as benign lump; but was adviced to have it removed. Which she arranged for, the incision was not too big and the scar was minimal and not too disfiguring in fact quasi unnoticable. But nevertheless A went ahead and told him, wanted to share her fear and how thank God it was fine, wanting to hear a kind word , wanting a caress , tenderness and love, and most of all understanding and affirmation that she did the right thing and that such a tiny scar was not going to be a problem.

A was about to have her illusions shattered, the cold shower she received , was something she told me she will never forget for as long as she lived. Where did the love go ? where did the tenderness go ? where was the understanding, where were the vows and promises of devotion ? Nothing , the moment was broken and N simply got up and told her " I'm sorry you should have told me about is last week, I would not have bothered to travel all the way to Libya. Your divorce paper will reach you tomorrow ! " and he turned round and left. ... Gone was the dream .. I recalled she called me and made me promise not to talk about this , as tongues would wagger and her reputation would be tarnished . "But you did nothing wrong A, what are you talking about! he is the jerk , he is not worth it, imagine what would have happened if you only learned about his attitude after you actually joined him there ? you are so lucky you found out earlier on , before you actually consumated the marriage. " . "Yes but I'm divorced now " , "so what" I said " divorced is better than abused outside your country and far from your family. You will find the man you deserve. Don't worry ! "

That is exactly what happened, 3 years later, a lovely man also living in America as she always wished, married her , and now they have toghether a boy and a girl, she is tracing her dreams of further education, a home , a job and a family. Hopefully that first jerk will get his come -uppance, dropping her because he thought she may be ill or have a scar and was less than perfect ? Imagine if she had become seriously ill along the way , would he have thrown her out like a used rag ?
Moral of the story , if your man is not prepared to love you just the way you are and support you when you need him most , then seriously to hell with him.

This also reminded me that not being bound in life to someone because sometimes life sucks , does not mean that the person stops sensing or caring what happens to you, and I guess here the 'till death does us part ' bit can still somehow apply. This was eerily demonstrated to me on moult occasions when out of the blue he calls , or demonstrates his tenderness, and how he is still loving me ...
When I feel let down by the whole world I can't forget , how he loved me and still does even when I looked like a scarecrow with all sorts of injections and monitors sticking out of my body for 3 months in hospital , just because he had promised to marry me! How he bribed the nurses to let him come visit me at night after my parents were gone. Of how he looked at me with puppy eyes even though I was diagnosed with a debilitating disease. Of how he never gave up on me and helped me with the oxygen and breathing exercises, and of how my muscles became so weak I had to be wrapped in sheets to be able to stand up and learn to breathe again. And he was through it all facing everyone against all odds until one day I miraculously got up and recovered.

Though he had his problems and we ended up separated, it is difficult when a woman has experienced such a high standards of care to settle for less. I find him calling out of the blue, each time something happens to me, it's like his radars are always on the lookout.
For him I will never grow old , and will remain forever his' Amarige princess'.

Hint for any next romantic interest , you better not disappoint me when I need you most , or you will break my heart, or worse really ruin my health, and you know what I will probably be too shy to even tell you about it.

Erotic mail

If you dream of suggesting a move , a date, or anything hot, and are either too shy to say it in person or are too far apart then Hoochymail is the answer to your erotic imagination.

snippet :

HoochyMail is the first internet service that allows you to create a thrilling,
explicit erotic fantasy about yourself and your special someone, doing all sorts
of exciting and sexy things, in all sorts of exotic and interesting locales!

I have made it a point to test it for your edification and must admit it is POWERFUL , especially when you see your name and that of your object of interest; boyfriend, husband, partner or lover in the starring roles , intertwined together literally and physically .

It is also an alternative to those of you who are engaging or wish to engage in cybersex , as a natural follow up to my previous posts on this topic :)

Cybersex 1
Cybersex 2
Cybersex 3

"[...] getting to know a partner on-line may be a nearly spiritual enterprise.
[..]It's mind to mind and spirit to spirit talking [...]You focus on who he is,
on the inside. Then if his outside is a little heavier or a little shorter than
you expected, it doesn't matter because you already love his soul. [ref] "

Here is part of the test story a special Hoochymail which I have created for my readers right on time for Halloween :

"Khaled nearly fell to the ground, only to see the cat lady, still before him on
her knees, lapping up every bit of his semen and licking her paws clean. She
looked up at him and for a moment, he was so sure it had to be Violet.And yet he
still wasn’t sure at all.
“Meow,” laughed the cat lady, still wearing her
mask, as she stood up to face him. “Well, there you have your treat,” she
smirked. She pranced over to the front door. “Wait a minute,” Khaled called,
watching her open the front door, “Come on, now, who are you, really?”The cat
lady looked over her shoulder, winked at him and disappeared into the darkness,
calling back to him, “That, my little Halloween goblin, is the trick!”

I'm not sure if Libyans are doing it ( I know they have phonesex) but it is an avenue to be explored no ? what do you think?

Those sexy Arab women

Thanks to Rambling Hal, (Hal you are a treasure throve!) I stumbled today on this interesting blog from Dubai to add to my collection of hot Arab women ( see my blogroll for that).

"Past experience has proved that people always look mysteriously dark and
handsome through tinted windows – the dark makes EVERYONE look better than
normal (that's why women like doing it with the lights off)… until the guys roll
down their windows and you realise you've just snared an ogre."

From Sex in Dubai !

The Signs of time












Evolution :)

Ramadan : 'can I kiss him during the day ?'

"My husband wants to follow my mom’s footsteps and try to fast for a few days. I
explained to him the rules; I told him that he can’t drink water, eat food, have
any sexual thoughts, smoke cigarettes, swear, lie, steal….from sunrise to sunset
for a whole month….He said,” I can’t hold you during the day?”"

Reading Leilouta's words in her posts about Ramadan here and here and about her husband, teleported me into the past, to the days when I wanted to know how married couples behaved during Ramadan. Should they cut the sweet talk, the hugging , the tenderness, the kiss before going to work etc... what if they are making love before sunrise ?

All these issues seemed important to me. why ? BecauseI was infatuated with a guy I intended to marry and was not sure whether I should treat him as a stranger as soon as the sun rose . Also the same guy used to take my hand to his lips and kiss it tenderly in Ramadan when we met . So was that haram ? was it lust?

I wanted to ask without drawing suspicion at my sudden interest in the subject . I mean I was not married nor engaged, why ask if a simple non-lustful greeting kiss would invalidate my fast ?
So it was a bright idea to ask my best friend who was pretty conservative and well versed in fiqh.

Violet : "S. habibti , how do married couples behave in Ramadan ? I mean should they sleep in separate beds ? "
S. : " no of course not after sunset they can do what they want"
Violet: " OK what if they did 'you know what' just before the sun rises , do they have to hurry up and wash and purify , it takes all the romance and fun out of it ..."
S: : "no they don't, they can stay in bed until it is time to get up and shower etc.. as usual. Islam is supposed to make your life easy not more problematic "
Violet: " ah ..OK. What about hugging her before going to work for example and giving her the usual tender kiss?"
S. : " I think that's fine too. Expressing emotions is OK you know Violet , you love someone and you want to show that to them. God does not want you to stop demonstrating affection because you are fasting. You are abstaining from food , sex and gossip , not from love and affection. So if you are keeping it decent it is fine to be affectionate."
Violet: " ah you put my mind at rest , I was thinking I needed to avoid my husband throughout that month "
S: " wait a sec you are not even married and you are asking all this , what's up with you ? you going out with someone or what ? Plus you know married couples sometimes don't even wish to hold hands".
Violet ( going red in the face and stuttering) : "well I'm asking for when I get married .."

So I decided that since I loved my boyfriend and he was kissing my hand as a show of affection (because he was not going to be allowed much else) therefore what he did was not haram .
S always looked at me in a funny way afterwards ....

My own fatwa: only you know what lies in your heart, if it was lust then it is haram , if it was affection then it will stop at that.

Happy Ramadan !

The Birthday


Yesterday the phone rang while I was preoccupied with another issue. So I picked up without looking at the ID.

Violet: Hello !?
Voice : Hello Violet , it's me , you're the first one I have spoken to today , it's my birthday and I thought I'd call you for old times sake...you forgot ?.
Violet: I'm so sorry , Happy Birthday, I totally forgot, this year I have not remembered any of my friend's birthdays ...
Voice: It's ok ...I just missed you ... I've been so unhappy - will you ever forgive me ? can we get back toghether, I'm divorcing my wife.
Violet: So sorry to hear these bad news , but no it's too late , I've told you before did I not ?

The conversation continued with some banalities from my side , while I was thinking of a way to cut it short without hurting him.

Each time he calls , he opens the wounds anew, how on earth am I going to heal and stop comparing..It is so hard at times to be strong when you get lonely and you miss the arms, the kisses and the whispering voice..you tend to forget the bad times that made you drop everything and leave and only recall the big love that you thought would last forever. And I tell myself , he has changed , shall I fill the big emptiness inside me again and take him back...there was a time when I believed he was perfect... but since I'm saying 'was' that means he is not and I no longer think of him as perfect...

Oh for those innocent days on the beach when we would swim till we got tired , then eat a pizza or tuna sandwich with juice and salad. Oh for the days when he kissed the floor I walked on and the shoes I wore. Oh for the days when he slept under our balcony and left poetry and flowers on my car - what happened ? why? where has all this gone ?

Damn you A for making me see those ghosts ......

Advice from my best friend



"do not EVER show someone you care too much unless you're married"

Figuring out a guy

I’m always fascinated by how we ladies view female-male relationship. Personally it seems that I never stop analyzing men’s action with my best friends. We would actually relish setting up a date to meet over tea and sweets and seriously sit down and discuss and psychoanalyze the relative merits of our current crush/love/boyfriend/husband whatever…..We wanted to decipher what kind of messages the guys were giving us, based on which we could decide on the next move. If you thought it is difficult to understand a western man’s motives and actions try doing that for a Libyan guy with all his controversies and frustration. Good luck with that ! I’m sure you will give up from day one and think like the Tunisian proverb ‘t7ib tifham iddhukh’ .

However, I’ve been reading the following book ‘he’s just not into you’ and I realized that barring a few cultural details there is not much difference about the messages men give women whether in the West or in Libya ( or Arab world – we need input from other Arab readers as well not just Libyans).


Editorial review

For ages women have come together over coffee, cocktails, or late-night phone
chats to analyze the puzzling behavior of men. Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
are here to say that -- despite good intentions -- you're wasting your time. Men
are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are
no mixed messages.
The truth may be, He's just not that into you.
He's
Just Not That Into You -- based on a popular episode of Sex and the City --
educates otherwise smart women on how to tell when a guy just doesn't like them
enough, so they can stop wasting time making excuses for a dead-end
relationship. This book knows you're a beautiful, smart, funny woman who
deserves better

After finishing the reading this is the moneyshot :( italics are my commentary)

(1)He is just not that into you if he is not asking you out:

-If
he makes an excuse then take it as polite rejection
-Don’t ask him
out because just because you like to lead doesn’t mean he likes
to dance
-If he wants to find you , he will.
-Men don’t forget how much
they like you. So put down the phone .

(2) He’s just not that into
you if he’s not calling you (men know how to use the phone - even if they
say they are busy ).

-So if he’s not calling you, it’s because
you are not on his mind. And if he tells you ‘call me’ , then he really
does not care about you.

-Don’t be with someone who does not do
what they say they’re going to do.
-Busy is another word for" asshole".
"Asshole" is another word for the guy you are dating.
-You deserve a f***ing
phone call.

(3) if you don’t know where the relationship is going
, it’s okay to pull over and ask.
(4) when men like you they want to touch
you always.
(5) he’s just not that into you if he’s having sex with someone
else
-Cheating is cheating
(6) he’s just not that into you if he
does not want to marry you – love cures commitment phobia.
-Doesn’t want t
get married is different then does not want to get married to me. So beware
of the difference maybe it is time to take an inventory
(7) I don’t
want to go out with you, means just that. A break up is a definitive action, not
a democratic one ( I love this ). So cut him off and don’t take him
back no matter what excuses he musters.
(8) He’s just not into you if
he’s disappeared on you; sometimes you have to get closure all by
yourself=> there is no mixed message here.
I like this
particular one and all its subheadings :)

-He might be lying
in hospital with amnesia, but more likely he’s just not that into you.
-No
answer is your answer
-Don’t give him the chance to reject you
again
-There is no mystery – he’s gone and he was not good enough for you. ( I’m sure many of us have agonized over this one ) .
(9) He’s just
not that into you if he’s married ( and other insane variations on being
available) ; i.e. if you’re not able to love freely, then it’s not really
love .

Hmm after reading this it does shed light on Fozia’s
dilemma here. I’m sending her an email to explain this attitude
now. Fozia my dear the man was just stringing you along and had no intention
whatsoever. He only met you to satisfy his curiosity and no he did not feel less
of you because you had phone sex. Hope you get your closure. The guy is a jerk
and is using his son to gather sympathy! He’s a loser and you are much better
than him.

(10) he’s just not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, a bully
, or really a big freak ; if you really love someone you want to do things to
make them happy.

So ladies stop trying to figure out someone, and reset your standards

And these are the standard suggestions according to the authors :

I will not go out with a man who has not asked me
out first
I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone
I will not date a man who is not sure he wants to date me
I will not date
a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable.
I will not date a man who
drinks and does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable ( well I would not date him
period )
I will not be with a man who’s afraid to talk about our
future
I will not under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man
who has already rejected me
I will not date a man who is married
I will
not date a man who is not clearly a good, kind loving
person.

I’m sure we can provide plenty or personal examples of all the above mistakes , as some of us seem to me masochists and attracted only to those guys with whom the relationship is a dead end. Maybe you can email me or post your ‘mistakes’ and share them with us ?

I would be glad to put them online for you. After finishing this book, I realized that deep down inside my friends and I did ‘figure out’ those men -who where emotionally unavailable to us -correctly. However if we had not dropped them immediately it was through fear of loneliness, not finding a suitable partner, pride or just plain not admitting that we could have been wrong about someone, and ended up wasting so much time with a loser. Seeing it written in black and white is so much better, that's why I'm sharing it with you all and I'm heading immediately to tell my friends about. I am definitely keeping this book for Pearl, just in case I grow to old and forget about these things later on when she starts falling in love.

Courting in Libya: Part III

This will be the final installment for my attemtped 'essays' on dating in Libya. It is continued from this piece here . Because i've brought it up to date thepost is not as long as the previous ones as this is an ongoing development. Readers can add to these observations if they want.

Enough babbling go on and enjoy now :)


By the late 90s the girls became quite bolder, they are dating more than one guy at once and whoever asks them for marriage their will dump the others- that’s very callous and I’m really disgusted. With all due respect to the good conservative respectful girls this is what used to happen. Sometime this is the impression I got, it’s better than watching a TV show.

Basically they are doing everything a Western girl is doing but pretending not to. No one fears going out in a guy’s car, to his flat, to picnics, beaches, hotel rooms, and forests whatever. If it will make him marry you , you do it ! This is the decade where prostitution of Libyan young women has begun to be palpable . It was no longer the Moroccan guest workers (no offense to anyone – but that was our reality here), oh no, they learned from them and were competing now.

Of course there are the romantic and sweet and still well behaved men and women, but unfortunately they have in my opinion been outstripped by a vulgar bunch. The taxis became the pimps and means of transport, the cellphones gave freedom of communication and chatrooms and paltalk ( no idea why Libyans like it so much) etc multiplied.
How did you bump into a guy? Well he could be your colleague, classmate, friend’s friend, friend’s brother just like anywhere else in the world. But the frenzy to get married was always palpable.

My theory : it is because then you can be in a couple legally and have your independence from family as well. I don’t know why I’m cynical about it, it just does not seem that it was done to found a family;although I know ultimately a woman’s dream is that. I felt there was too much cunning involved on both sides.

Well the girls still have to plot and find excuses to meet with their boyfriends, and there are all sorts of fun stories and things taking place. But it just looks like the innocence was lost somewhere along the way with the encroachment of materialism and globalization or maybe I’ve simply grown too old finally to understand them.

Pearl's 4th birthday

Pearl is 4 years old today, we were supposed to celebrate her birthday toghether, but this year she will be having a party with her grandparents and not with me here. So what am I doing ? my boss would not give me a few days off to travel and be with her, and making up for it by spoiling her rotten and fedexing all sorts of goodies to her.

Pearl wants a 'laaaaptooooop' & and an 'ibod' [sic] , she is so bright this sunshine that she knows how to get online faster than she knows other stuff. She knows how to get her favourite games as well. While I hate computer games.

She is too old for this since she already can use the ordinary keyboard and microsoft interface Funnily enough Pearl does not like dolls or Barbie so I can't get her that either. She prefer's guy's things ( if there is such a thing). So in the end I settled on one of these as it looks and feels like the real thing. Thank God for technology and the internet as I'm able to see her and speak to her online today ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING - TONS OF KISSES XXXX YOUR MUM

Sex Academy

Yes you've heard right I can't believe my eyes when I saw this article in the news "Sex theme park to open in London" . People need to be thought how to make love ? Have people become that shy ? - but honestly I would not mind going to visit this place especially for this ;)

'The theme park will include life-sized silicone-made models which visitors
can touch to discover erogenous zones. '

That should be fun and watching the expression on people's faces

But this (below) promises to be even more fun ;) we get to see people's fantasies enacted live , where is my to do list ?

"People will also be able to build their ideal partner from a series of body
parts and there will be instructions on how best to kiss and how to talk more
sexily."

If you are interested in this museum if we can call it this way it's opening in September this year and it is something like the Kinsey institute I would say .
OK you must not think I'm some kind of pervert now ......just curious.

Still loving you beyond the grave

4:00 AM – mobile rings

Me : Hello ?
Him: Hello – Violet how are you ?
Me : who is this please ?
Him: I’m sorry did I wake you up ? it’s me A
Me : Hi A. how are you ? is everything OK ? why are you calling so early in the morning ?
Him : I’m sorry I got mixed up with the time difference, I’m calling you from New York..
Me : OK well you scared , so what can I do for you?
Him: Nothing Violet , I simply thought about you while walking here and wishing how much it was you with me. I will regret till the end of my life to have agreed to let you go.
Me: I’m sorry you feel this way, but you have a new life now and beautiful children and a lovely wife , you should not be calling me like this , go spend your time with her.
Him: I can’t forget you Violet, you are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep….it’s out of my hands.
Me: A. you have to work harder on it, you’ve married the woman and she trusts you and no it is not right that you should call me instead of her.
Him: She knows it is you only I love, I told her when we got married, she has me but not my heart , that is for you only.
Me: A this is unfair, you are married and have kids , you go back home to the arms of a loving wife, I go back home to an empty bed so stop doing this.
Him: Well I called because I wanted to ask you which do you prefer? I’m returning on Monday to Tripoli, and if it was for me I would buy you everything that was in the shops here in New York, I can imagine you in every outfit, so what would you like me to get you? Or shall I get you some gold trinket ? I know you love that?
Me: thank you for the thought I appreciate it but please A you don’t need to buy me anything, I’ll accept this phone call as a present..
Him: Violet, everything you ever told me turned out to be correct , I’m so sorry I misjudged you before, now I know what you were talking about, I’’ve changed …would you marry me now if I divorced her? I can keep the children?
Me: No A I did not marry you when you were unattached, I certainly won’t now that you have a family. It is fine that you learned a lesson, make use of it my friend, if you need advice I’d gladly give it but please not at 4:00 AM
Him: I’m so sorry again, I wanted to buy you a present, and here everybody and everything conjures you to my mind…

I have not seen A in 4 years and he still can’t make a decision without calling me….what do you do with a man who obsesses about you even though he knows it is a hopeless case. Everywoman wants the love which will go beyond the grave, but she wants also to be a partner in that love.

Back to work

All good things come to an end... the vacation is over and I hope that not all my readers have deserted me . I have today and tomorrow to orgnanize myself to get back to work . It was a very nice and long holiday. I did not think that people would miss me, but it is nice that you have asked about me especially, Craig, Chris and Loulou :). You made my day!

As for Pearl she is visiting with her other set of grandparents abroad. Let's just say that they don't live in Libya. I miss my baby a lot but her grandparents have the right to see her as well and I should not be mean about it.

Meanwhile, I'll tell you a bit more about our adventures soon. I'm sure you still want to know about the dating scene in Libya and other hot topics ...

Vacationing with Pearl

I know I've been away for a while , but you see I'm on vacationing with darling Pearl and my time is devoted to her and her only for the time being. Then she gets to stay with her other set of granparents for a few weeks and I will be able to blog again. So please I know you miss me but let me have my time with Pearl babe. We are at an undisclosed location abroad.

Kisses to all
Violet and Pearl xxxxx

Cybersex ahem ...again ..

Following my two earlier posts on this topic here and here you probably thought this is a fad and would go away ? nope , it seems to be increasing .. I just came accross another blogger who is obsessed erm sorry ;) fascinated by the subject . Check what Jameed writes about it below:

" I have blogged a few months ago about the new high-tech way for pleasuring one’s self using such devices as the MatrixVibe and the iBuzz. Today, Reuters has a piece entitled “Future Sex: gizmos, robots“. What is happening here is that sex researchers, designers, marketing companies and porn stars have joined
hands to bring a whole new definition to “virtual sex”; a new field they dubbed
“teledildonics”."

We humans are pleasure beast no? Well Jameed concludes :

"Will I live long enough to witness the launch of gizmos that can provide a
person with a mental orgasm with a push of a button? Technology is only limited
by human creativity, and when it comes to sex, human creativity knows no
limit."

Dating in Jordan

I was thrilled to read this post "to date or not to date " by Jordanian blogger Khalidah , she was talking about dating in Jordan and how the concept is evolving. If you liked my series about dating in Libya I believe this post and the comments it engendered would be enriching. My dating in Libya posts are of course not finished yet by the way.

What's love gotta to do with it


عندما اسمع او أفكر بهذه الاغنية أحس كأن الزمان لم يمضي وكانني مازلت تلك المراهقة التى تعتقد ان الحب يدوم ابدا
"I`ve been thinking of a new direction
But i have to say
I`ve been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way
What`s love got to do, got to do with it
What`s love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What`s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken"

(Tina Turner -favourite song of all times.)

Is the first cut really the deepest, or are all cuts of the same intensity ?

Dating in Libya

Courting is usually followed by dating, if you liked the previous post ....then here is how dating has evolved in Libya as I see it:

...So you’ve lied to each other for months or weeks, been on your best behaviour or had some ‘lover’s’ quarrels in which the winner was the one to hold out and not call the other first. You’ve made your dad broke on phone bills, and your brothers or sisters snigger when you answer the phone in that voice reserved only for him.
He thinks you are the Goddess of Sex incarnate and you think he is perfect marriage material, those hormones are at a loss and you’re weak at knees when you hear his voice, what next?
Next you wait for him to ask you to meet; you do not ask to meet him. Eventually that day comes, and he asks to meet with you on a date. In the 70s -80s you will not be able to sit at a café together, the few that are available are men’s domain, and you would cause a scandal by meeting there. But you have a few choices depending on HOW MUCH you want to sacrifice and your courage:

(1) meet in a street outside your area and stay talking at a respectable distance from each other; but risk having someone you know bump into you.
(2) Arrange to meet at the University café – only place where there are men and women sitting in public without anyone frowning.
(3) Go in his car (or a borrowed ca)r and either park somewhere discreet or drive around. Risks : someone may see you , and you’re toast , grounded.
(4) Go with him to a friend’s empty flat, or shop, or office. So not to risk being seen by others and ruin your reputation.However, by this you actually taint your honour as this guy knows very well what he is doing and he was testing how far you would go. Accepting this solution, unless he loves you very much, means you have failed, and are cheap and fair game, because now he is not going to try and meet you to discuss your future as a couple, but he is going to try to get you into bed or as close as possible to that. Now if you are caught, you risk a prison sentence for adultery, let alone pregnancy if you have been foolish enough and the least is dishonour, but you won’t get killed by your family or tribe. Some smarter girls take a chaperone who acts as a lookout as well.

Points 1-4 are not all as cynical as I make them sound, some girls enjoyed these things immensely, they were occasions to dress up - and putting a fruity or minted lip-gloss was risqué , the summum of sexiness. You also had to find a foolproof excuse to be absent for a couple of hours from home on a legitimate errand. This usually involved a lot of machinations. This was the 80s. I will leave it to the imagination of the readers as to what happened at those dates. But I can assume that like all relationship there was a 50/50 chance at success and movement to next step : the engagement. Most girls though did nab their man.

Enter the 90s, during those years we begun to be drowned with latino telenovellas and satellite TV, now the girls had other ideas at their disposal, universities were full and courting improving a bit over the earlier version, the guys stopped being total idiots. No girl was going to sweep the front door to see her man. Couples were increasingly acceptable on campus and the unfolding relationships we witnessed were very entertaining. The goal was to get your guy prior to graduation day! i. e. you get your degree + a ring on your finger. That was equated with success. Dating meant you got, valentine cards, and flowers, letters , teddy bears which became fashionable - you know the white ones with a red bow where the toy is holding a heart shaped red cushion with ‘I love you’ printed on it … How I loathe these, I think the Arab world has been flooded with them. My Arab readers ? do you recall those ? what about my non –Arab readers, did you OD on white teddy bears ?
If a man gets me one of these made in Taiwan white teddies I swear I will commit a crime !!!! Putting make up on was very much tolerated now, so some used and abused.
Dating also meant you get to go to a restaurant together.

These are all courting, flirting, dating and affairs behind your parent’s back.

While a ‘legal’ official courting was when the man who saw you out for example liked you followed you home then asked about you and brought his family to ask for your hand, then you had an engagement party and you spent a good time with your fiancée meeting legally, either suitably chaperoned lest dear Lucifer gives you ideas, or arranging secret un-chaperoned meetings ( see 2-4 again) link here. Another version is that you met through common acquaintances and again he asks to marry you either after a few phone calls or directly.

In 1995 internet and mobile technology was introduced but to a select few, while in 1998 everyone could access it but at exorbitant prices. By 1999, internet cafes were springing up everywhere and by 2002 many people had cellphones, by 2005 mobile technology was and essential part of youths and other’s everyday life and quite affordable. So how did the dating go during that decade up to now 2006?

We shall see … hopefully the fun continues =>

Memorable Valentine

Since this is a blog about human relationships, then Valentine’s Day is an important date to be celebrated…Yes we know that it has been awfully commercialized but it is the thought that counts, so ladies and gentlemen:

Do you wish to share your best/worst/funniest/most embarrassing Valentine moments with the rest of the blogosphere ? yes ? please I’m begging you … post them in the comment section ..NOW !

Meanwhile, I will share with you my first one :

In my job I am known for being extremely serious (bordering on the boring in my opinion) ‘tight ass bitch’ if I may say so, and knowing that I am the youngest in the management floor you can imagine what the rest of the staff in my department looks like – yes on their way to retirement. Well anyway hmm , the receptionist calls me “Violet, you have a visitor” . I can hear the disapproving tone in her voice , “what have I done to earn her wrath, oh God let it be good news” I pray to myself while proceeding to the waiting area. A strong perfume cologne which I will never forget is wafting true. Our receptionist who is as older than my mum looks at me very very curiously, I’m still puzzled, but I thank her anyway. Then I go to greet the guest.. .....

There sitting on the leather armchair is a gentleman in a smart grey Armani suit, polished shoes, crisp shirt and silk tie, hair combed back to within a millimeter, tanned skin glowing and he is smiling at me . Oh my God! it is my fiancé , I have never seen him dressed this way. He looked like the heros from those Harlequin and Mills and Boons romances, he was perfect and his eyes were glowing with love. But that was not all oh no ......he was carrying an immense basket with thirty red roses – it was my first Valentine ever and I was 30 years old. As much as I was pleased I was sooooooooo embarrassed, my boss and colleagues never saw me in any situation where I could be considered a female. I could imagine the gossip especially that 2 or 3 people were already walking by. I took him to my office and I had to use firmness not to allow him getting familiar and making a spectacle of me. I thought he was going to take me in his arms in the lobby – I would have been mortified and my reputation in shambles.
What do you do with a man who loves you so much he actually took the day off to get you roses personally delivered on Valentine. He was so clear and honest in his feelings, while I had totally forgotten about the day and was dressed in my black suit as usual looking like a feminist ad !
It was a beautiful Valentine’s Day followed by dinner at a famous fish restaurant in Tripoli . But oh I got teased so much at work. We dream of one rose a colleague said and you get a truckload of them. The roses lived for many weeks… I don’t know about the love.

Happy Valentine’s Day with love from Libya…..

Courting in Libya

As mentioned in a previous post, neither traditions, nor culture or religion are going to stop men and women (or people of the same sex – not to offend our homosexual readers) to be attracted to each other. Whether this attraction stems from pure physical love or love of someone’s soul, many will attempt to seek to meet each other physically to assuage that desire (body and soul) and those raging hormones. The process starts at puberty ( some scientific research say it is even earlier) and Libyans are no exception.

Now the interesting part is how as a Libyan do you reconcile your desires , peer pressure, traditions , culture and religion . That’s a heavy load to carry and I’m sure many other Arab societies are embroiled in the same jam. I’m not going to talk above the Muslim societies of South east Asia who have different customs, nor those in America. My main point is the Arab and Arabicised societies., but really specifically Libya.

From poems, songs and folk tales we hear the stories of the girls meeting the boys at the well, or while shepherding or farming or running errands or at social gatherings and traditional festivities, when eyes would meet, fingers would briefly touch and other description which are part of our heritage now. Not wanting to soil the honour of our female populations, but I’m sure some of these have experienced a little beyond the surreptious touch or the coal burning glances ? The desert is vast, while the caves provide lots of nooks and crannies for the lovers wanting to drink each others breath or gaze more intimately and away from prying eyes into each others souls.
Arabs are great lovers and romantics too ( you would not believe it but yes they are), and the annals of history are full of their exploits in that area. I once read on a forum an Egyptian girl saying that she met Arabs and non-Arabs, and that she finally got married to an Arab, she said and I quote ‘ once you go Arabi you can never go back ;) !’… Foreign guys please watch out, you got stiff competition out there ;)

Anyway we have established that shenanigans and romance have been taking places since as long as we can remember. My post will be concentrating however on Libya in the 20th-21st Century.

Looking at old photos of our uncles and aunts and parents, and sitting to hear their stories is a minefield of information on human behaviour. Cousins and their friends and neighbours also are great storytellers, and I’m going to deploy all this harvest at your fingertips.

Just because we are a conservative society does not mean there are no opportunities to meet people from the opposite sex, and if there are not, we create them.

In Libya you cannot bring a girlfriend/boyfriend and introduce her to your parents, it is just not acceptable, honour and reputation are involved, mostly the girl’s but even the guy’s. It may be viewed as hypocritical to do these things in the dark but that’s how it is

I recall the first Libyan guy to make a pass at me, it was so funny I could not help giggling in his face, I must have offended the guy, I just thought it was so immature that a man would behave this way, just coming straight up to me would have been easier. The guy first walked up and down my street, then loomed near our ‘kanchello’ or front door , then at the first opportunity that I left the house he would say ‘pssst psst’ and wink , now what did he think I was a cat or that I would blindly follow him?. He kept this maneuver for a few days then when that did not work he tried to pass me a folded paper ‘take this and read it please’, then he became so insistent and a fixture in my street that he was going to bring me trouble and family wrath so to get rid of him I finally took his folded paper, read the first and last lines which were professing undying love - a totally illogical idea at that moment for a 14 year old . Well I looked straight at him tore the letter to bits and threw it. He finally got the message.

But this is basically how it worked, the boy usually initiates it , you do not under and any circumstance initiate contact because then you are labeled fast , racy and cheap. Those days were hilarious, you had guys trying to give scraps of paper with their phone number. If you were interested dating a guy by phone was quite a safe thing unless your parents or brothers catch you, then you are punished by not being allowed to use the phone. The girls would usually pretend to be talking to their girlfriend by using girl names and feminine adjectives and pronouns, it was so funny to listen to them. The bolder ones would sneak the phone late at night in their rooms, now I don’t know what kind of conversation they had but I’m sure it was not about the ozone layer or the state of the Israeli –Arab war. A girl with brains was a looser. I never could do the phone talk thingy because first of all I was used to talking to guys on equal footing and plus my voice is so loud I’ll wake up everyone plus I was a coward as I knew the phone bill would show the numbers dialed ;) .

You talked on the phone either from your house or better from your best friend’s house . Why ? because your mum cannot tell your friend to hang up, and her mum cannot tell you to hang up , so there would be daily phone parties/visits, with lots of giggling and gossip.

After a prolonged phone relationship you were ready to move to the next stage? Which was to allow the object of your desire to get a second glimpse of you , that’s when he would tell you ‘I’ll be near your front door in 10 minutes and I’m bringing chocolates or something can you come out for a second?’ . For this you need a good excuse , like throwing the rubbish , or cleaning the doorstep with a broom, suddenly you are a paragon of housewifely virtue – your mum is flabbergasted as she’s been trying to get you to wash the doorstep since last week. So you’re there broom in hand sweeping the doorsteps in your best T-shirt and he passes by in his car (if he’s over 18 – more desirable i.e. marriage potential) or on foot then he is still in high school but since your are 14 , 16 seems old and wise to you. Depending on the situation on the street you post a lookout, one of your girlfriends or your little sister or brother – whom you will have to bribe later. And so you either go to the guy and say hi briefly or he throws at you a love letter and present. So cute isn’t it ? I always was the lookout since I did not dare do anything else , plus I was so obnoxious thinking this was sooooooooo pathetic. Why risk your reputation for 1 minute of seeing a snotty pimply guy … ah my friends were in despair .

Next step after that is to arrange for a date…in Libya ?
Stay tuned --- to be continued =>

Revamped Teddy Bear


I’m a compulsive hoarder of images and photos, especially those sent via email. My reasoning goes this way: ‘this may be useful for something later on, save it’ or maybe it is something I plan on buying, so having an image of the product is more helpful.

Among those ancient collections of 2004 , I re-discovered this amazing product. Unfortunately I had not saved a link to it and so I had to go hunting today to get to the bottom of the story. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the “Boyfriend’s arm pillow”, yes you heard well. Others have written about it. So what ? why shouldn’t I spread the word …


Anyway the Japanese are always inventing amazing gadgets but this even more fun.
The pillow consists of a half a man’s torso ( life size) and an arm; and the arm contains an alarm which vibrates you awake . No comment . Girls what are you waiting for ?

The “Boyfriend Arm’s Pillow” is shaped like a giant arm which will hold you all night without the need for the real thing.

A revamped teddy for the 21st century ! I think it is a sweet idea ( unless you have your man around). We have outgrown the fluffly teddy bear, and admit it many still take their teddy to bed right? So exit teddy and welcome ‘boyfriend's arm’ plus you can change the shirt ..erm the ‘pillowcase’ ..comes in different colours.
My suggestion , spray your favourite men’s cologne on it and I guarantee interesting dreams. Plus many of us sleep with pillows in ‘various’ positions anyway. Now I’m wondering what was my intention when I saved that photo ? the novelty of the product ? it’s kinkiness ? or for future purchase? It certainly was not to blog about it.

Still if given the choice I’d rather the real thing –

Now check out what those Japanese have come up with as well, 'to provide a headrest that simulates the comforting lap of a tiny Japanese woman'? …noooooooo? YES ! 'her lap pillow' ( warning sensitive material ) - enjoy .

Samantha Benneth here made a study about this phenomenon, she says that 'cuddle parties' are the latest 'in' thing, and it turns out all we need as humans is to hug - females love cuddling so much ..so guys PLEASE don't be stingy because :

"[as] dispiriting as the Boyfriend's Arm phenomenon may be, it targets a deep need in women -- one that, according to the latest research, men do not share. A team at the University of North Carolina's medical school has found that nonsexual stroking can lower a woman's blood pressure as much as medication [..]The study found that when her partner strokes her hands, neck or back while she watches a movie, a woman's brain secretes 20 percent more oxytocin, a calming hormone that slows the heart. And the stroking produced much more oxytocin than holding hands, lying side by side or gazing into each other's eyes".

We in the ME tend to 'touch' people more, so there is no lack of hugging , and I'm sure the people in a relationship are doing more than merely hugging, nonetheless it's comforting to know that thanks to the Japanese, singles have an alternative option that does not need to be shamefully hidden away (from your parents) like those Ann Summers products.

So start getting your woman 'high' on those oxytocins , and watch out the end results .

Thought

"Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women like to be a man's last romance"
(Oscar Wilde )

What do you think ?

Sequel to cybersex : case no. I

Apart from your honest comments, the post about online dating and cybersex engendered a number of emails. As promised earlier , I'm posting some of them to give advice or find a solution... ok here is my favorite it is very long but worth it:

Dear Violet,

Someone at work sent me a link to your blog, I was surprised to find a Libyan woman discussing this in a public space. You don’t know me and I don’t know you but I think what you are trying to do is exciting. As a Libyan you know how much we talk about these matters when we women get together, but it such a novelty to find it here.
I never told this to anyone. 3 years ago I met an Arab guy. We started emailing, sometimes more than once a day, and got to know each other well I thought. Then one day, I had to go on a family trip with a very short notice. I emailel him about this and gave my phone number. He called me, and started phoning every night. I was madly in love, this fantastic man, with the voice of an angel and so knowledgeable was spending hours of his time with me. I wanted nothing but to meet him, he only told me his name and gave me his mobiles, and home numbers . I thought it was only a matter of time until he will reveal the rest about himself , send a photo and ask to meet my parents. You cannot believe how silly I was. Then one night when we were talking he went a little further in his suggestions . First I went along thinking it was sweet, he really was so romantic, but then the conversation became hardcore. I accepted it because I liked him a lot and was thinking men are liked that and this will keep him interested. He assured me it is all in the mind, a fantasy because we are not doing anything. I really don’t know because for sure for me it was mental. After that night he confessed that he was divorced and had a son and an ongoing custody battle in one of the most closed countries in the world. He said this boy was everything to him and that 's why he divorced his mother and will not have her back. Anyway he said he plans to marry but only after he gets custody so as not to give her any leverage in court.

I should have run as these were enough signals, but by then I was too fascinated by him, I thought I could be the woman of his life who will care for him and his son. (So what if he has a son that’s not a shame, and he did not want to advertise immediately until he knew me better).Well I found lots of rationalizing excuses. What tipped the scales in his favour was that he let me talk to his son, and the kid was adorable and obviously so happy with his dad. So I assumed that this man cannot be bad, he is taking care of a baby. He is mysterious because he holds a very sensitive position in his country.

One day I called and a female voice answered, hetold me his family knew about me. So when his sister picked up the phone I asked her ‘could I speak to X please? This is Y’. She told me ‘sorry there is no one by the name of X here you must be mistaken’ . I excused myself profusely and hung up on her. I checked the number just to establish that I was correct. Then a lamp lit in my head , ‘ok he is lying and his name is not x , but why ?’. A little voice was saying drop him , you don’t even know how he looks like, before it is too late. But I could not, he had played too much with my mind by then I really wanted him no matter what he looked like, he can't be a scumbag.
So next time he called I told him what happened and he said he knew and his sister did not hear me well and so she thought I was asking for someone else. Although i was not convinced , I pretended I was and rationalized again his behavor.Needless to say that he stopped with the letters when we started phoning. I was thinking this man is obviously brilliant why is he bothering with me when he could have his pick of women? What is his secret?


I went against my instincts and sent him my photo when he asked but imagine my shock and disappointment when he did not send his ?Excuses excuses, 2 years until I was able to get it. No I’m not a masochist but , I was in love or a bad case of infatuation. He wrote a long email explaining he will dedicate himself to his son and will not hurt him with a stepmother- that should have been my exit cue. By then it has become my challenge to get him to meet in real life, so I traced him from his numbers and found that the sister was right to tell me I had the wrong number because obviously I had asked for the wrong person. It was really bad trying to even hide your name why ? My fascination was like the moth going to a light, I have seen such wonderful brilliant aspects from his personality so I don’t know why he was doing this, it did not make sense.

His phone calls became rare , and the emails stopped . We met 3 years later. He was really, as handsome as I thought and as tender as believed he could be. His son was adorable. I had confirmation that he was truely divorced and he confirmed the name I had discovered before without even excusing himself. We did not have privacy as his son was a chaperone He proved to me his identity and I was impressed , the guy was who he was and yes he had a right to be secretive from his resume. But my criticism was that he could trust me after all those years? I thought he knew me because I had nothing to hide. I thought that was a good step and a new page towards the future. We had breakfast , lunch, coffee,snacks and dinner the three of us. I warmed towards them so much we went out on big walks and the people thought we were married.
That night I went back home with them and I watched him put his son to bed and wash him and read stories and stuff, he did not exclude me at all from the process. In fact his son asked him whether he was going to marry me. I felt very confident. I should have gone home the, but I did not. Mistake no. 3 . I remained because I wanted to have a private conversation without the child, I honestly had no hanky panky in mind. I was learning to address him in his real name when for 3 years I could not even pronounce it. I told him that I knew who he was etc.. and he said he knew that but he had feared for my life and did not want to get me in trouble by associating with him. He said such sweet things and the way he pronounced my name made me buckle at the knees, forgiving him all that he put me through. I let him kiss me and touch my breasts very briefly. He carried me tenderly to the couch and we sat talking. I told him I was not interested in sex I could wait, and anyway he did not want to either , I mean his son was across the hall right? This would ruin his custody chances. We could wait until the ruling. He pulled himself together , hugged me fiercely and took me to the guest room to sleep , it was too late to let me get back home. Boy was I glad that I had a foolproof excuse at home, no one was looking for me. He covered me just like he did to his son and went to bed.

I had such fantasies of a mutual life together the 3 of us and then later a little girl. I was living in dreamland. Rehashing his words that he had agreed to meet me this time, because he wanted to prove that he was everything he claimed to be, not a cyberfigure. He really was, a father and a gentleman , and a very very busy important man judging by the international call, faxes , telephones and the deference of the people, in addition to the concrete papers I’ve seen.

But this was my first night to sleep under the same roof of a strange man, I felt guilty, even if there was a chaperone. I had let the man kiss me. I was a bit hurt by that time that he left me to go sleep with his son. So I waited till morning and left very early home. I did not take the expensive present he had bought for me. I had no need for this.

I waited for his phone call, because my plans for the day depended on him. See I had cleared a 3 day empty slot for his sake because he had made that week especially for us to be together. But it was not going as I wanted. I wanted to hear the words ‘I love you’. And all he did was spend time with his son. We only met late for dinner that night. So I decided to stop seeing him, I had no time for heartache. He knows my feelings, I have nothing to hide and he knows were to find me.I had been patient for too long. I said farewell that night after dinner. I think he was shocked by my choice of clothes. I wanted to show him my sexy fashionable side as opposed to the day before .I wish I had remained conservative, I think he got the impression I was too wild and with the combination of my willing to spend the night at their home, that’s not what men are used to around these parts.

He never wrote back, he never called and when I wrote he said he was very busy with his son's problems and at work and simply had no time and 'no' was no forgetting about me.
I don't know what to think but I did not talk to him after that as I felt humiliated . What is weird is that he would still call me on important dates and feasts, he just phoned for new year . I'm very confused . Is that how guy's behave ?

Fozia

Ok readers, what do you think ? did Fozia make a mistake ? Does having online sex ( or phone sex in this case) jeopardize a woman's chance of success? Are you immediately labeled a slut just because you do, in a similar way as the girls who make out with guys in real life

I have my own question too it is about this rule that the women in Libyan keep warning each other about : Arab men are ALL the same. They will have fun with you then go tell their mum to find a good girl for them . Emphasis on the ‘good’ here. So don’t kiss , don’t show your body, don’t hug etc… if you want to nab the guy, you can let him touch your hand after a few months of dating but not more. Then there is the other crowd. Nothing keeps a man until you sleep with him.

So which crowd should a girl believe? In both cases the girls got the men they wanted. Pretty confusing I admit .