Sunday, June 11, 2006

Figuring out a guy

I’m always fascinated by how we ladies view female-male relationship. Personally it seems that I never stop analyzing men’s action with my best friends. We would actually relish setting up a date to meet over tea and sweets and seriously sit down and discuss and psychoanalyze the relative merits of our current crush/love/boyfriend/husband whatever…..We wanted to decipher what kind of messages the guys were giving us, based on which we could decide on the next move. If you thought it is difficult to understand a western man’s motives and actions try doing that for a Libyan guy with all his controversies and frustration. Good luck with that ! I’m sure you will give up from day one and think like the Tunisian proverb ‘t7ib tifham iddhukh’ .

However, I’ve been reading the following book ‘he’s just not into you’ and I realized that barring a few cultural details there is not much difference about the messages men give women whether in the West or in Libya ( or Arab world – we need input from other Arab readers as well not just Libyans).

Editorial review

For ages women have come together over coffee, cocktails, or late-night phone
chats to analyze the puzzling behavior of men. Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
are here to say that -- despite good intentions -- you're wasting your time. Men
are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are
no mixed messages.
The truth may be, He's just not that into you.
Just Not That Into You -- based on a popular episode of Sex and the City --
educates otherwise smart women on how to tell when a guy just doesn't like them
enough, so they can stop wasting time making excuses for a dead-end
relationship. This book knows you're a beautiful, smart, funny woman who
deserves better

After finishing the reading this is the moneyshot :( italics are my commentary)

(1)He is just not that into you if he is not asking you out:

he makes an excuse then take it as polite rejection
-Don’t ask him
out because
just because you like to lead doesn’t mean he likes
to dance
-If he wants to find you , he will.
-Men don’t forget how much
they like you. So put down the phone .

(2) He’s just not that into
you if he’s not calling you (men know how to use the phone - even if they
say they are busy ).

-So if he’s not calling you, it’s because
you are not on his mind
. And if he tells you ‘call me’ , then he really
does not care about you.

-Don’t be with someone who does not do
what they say they’re going to do.
-Busy is another word for" asshole".
"Asshole" is another word for the guy you are dating.
-You deserve a f***ing
phone call.

(3) if you don’t know where the relationship is going
, it’s okay to pull over and ask.
(4) when men like you they want to touch
you always.
(5) he’s just not that into you if he’s having sex with someone
-Cheating is cheating
(6) he’s just not that into you if he
does not want to marry you – love cures commitment phobia.
-Doesn’t want t
get married is different then does not want to get married to me. So beware
of the difference maybe it is time to take an inventory
(7) I don’t
want to go out with you, means just that. A break up is a definitive action, not
a democratic one ( I love this ). So cut him off and don’t take him
back no matter what excuses he musters.
(8) He’s just not into you if
he’s disappeared on you; sometimes you have to get closure all by
yourself=> there is no mixed message here.
I like this
particular one and all its subheadings :)

-He might be lying
in hospital with amnesia, but more likely he’s just not that into you.
answer is your answer
-Don’t give him the chance to reject you
-There is no mystery – he’s gone and he was not good enough for you. ( I’m sure many of us have agonized over this one ) .
(9) He’s just
not that into you if he’s married ( and other insane variations on being
available) ; i.e. if you’re not able to love freely, then it’s not really
love .

Hmm after reading this it does shed light on Fozia’s
dilemma here
. I’m sending her an email to explain this attitude
now. Fozia my dear the man was just stringing you along and had no intention
whatsoever. He only met you to satisfy his curiosity and no he did not feel less
of you because you had phone sex. Hope you get your closure. The guy is a jerk
and is using his son to gather sympathy! He’s a loser and you are much better
than him.

(10) he’s just not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, a bully
, or really a big freak ; if you really love someone you want to do things to
make them happy.

So ladies stop trying to figure out someone, and reset your standards

And these are the standard suggestions according to the authors :

I will not go out with a man who has not asked me
out first
I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone
I will not date a man who is not sure he wants to date me
I will not date
a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable.
I will not date a man who
drinks and does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable
( well I would not date him
period )
I will not be with a man who’s afraid to talk about our
I will not under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man
who has already rejected me
I will not date a man who is married
I will
not date a man who is not clearly a good, kind loving

I’m sure we can provide plenty or personal examples of all the above mistakes , as some of us seem to me masochists and attracted only to those guys with whom the relationship is a dead end. Maybe you can email me or post your ‘mistakes’ and share them with us ?

I would be glad to put them online for you. After finishing this book, I realized that deep down inside my friends and I did ‘figure out’ those men -who where emotionally unavailable to us -correctly. However if we had not dropped them immediately it was through fear of loneliness, not finding a suitable partner, pride or just plain not admitting that we could have been wrong about someone, and ended up wasting so much time with a loser. Seeing it written in black and white is so much better, that's why I'm sharing it with you all and I'm heading immediately to tell my friends about. I am definitely keeping this book for Pearl, just in case I grow to old and forget about these things later on when she starts falling in love.


programmer craig said...

Hi Violet,

That all looks like good commentary and advice except perhaps this one:

I will not go out with a man who has not asked me out first

That doesn't look like sound advice to me. A lot of guys are shy, cautious, lack confidence or may for some other reason, need some encouragement. There's nothing wrong with a woman asking a guy out... but if he says no (or makes some lame excuse) he's not interested. DOn't pursiue it :)

That's my take anyway.

The rest of it looked good.

Chris in MB said...

I was going to say the same thing as programmer!

Some guys just won't risk being rejected by a woman they are interested in.

Libyan Violet said...

Hi Programmer Craig and Chris in Manitoba , good to see you guys here! Well I would not balk at asking a man out :) however I still have my cavewoman mentality and would rather he asks me out ....BUT a Libyan man ? forget it shy or not shy if a woman asks him out she will be releged to mistress/ girlfriend material not wife and fiancee...I know I know it is very hypocritical :(

PS we still need to hear by some women and Libyan men perhaps...

Leilouta said...

A woman asking a man out in Tunisia is a no no :)

Anonymous said...

Here 's my story . I was enjoying a cup of coffee and there was an empty chair at my table , this guy comes over to sit but sees my bag and thinks it's occupied. I see he's a hunk so I tell him it's vacant and he joins me at the table. A few minutes later we are hitting it off, and we spend 4 hrs in that little coffee shop. When we leave we exchange email addresses and contact numbers. He goes back to his country and texts me, and I text back. 4 emails later, I have an accident and can't read my mail or get in touch for a few days. Then when I do, I find a letter from him saying to 'forget the friendship as it looks you are not interested and not replying to my letters'. ( At least he said he was not going to write anymore). I reply and explain what happened and he writes back - a nice letter apologising for his mmisunderstanding and says he's going for a few days to stay with his family for their anniversary or something . So I send congratulations and updates and a text message. Well guess what? I never get any letters after that. I wait two weeks, as my friends told me guys like women who play hard to get thenI emailed him and asked what happened ? just like he did with me ... Still no reply till today.I will not bother about the guy anymore , his loss. But he seems like your typical men who disapears ...

programmer craig said...

Previous anon, thanks for sharing that story. I do think he was interested in you. Guys don't chat for 4 hours with somebody they aren't interested in, in my experience :)

Maybe he had second thoughts for some reason? It's his loss though, as you said. He owed you an explanation, though, at the least.

Libyan Violet said...

Hi Leilouta , you are so right . When I was at university, I did my research at one particular library. Even had my favourite corner . I noticed the sme guy studying there for some days. My crush wsa getting bigger so one day I came up this bright idea to act the damzel in distress and ask his help on something I was reading What a lame excuse. Well he was so surprised when I walked up to him and spoke and introduced myself. After his initial shock he was beaming. Two dates later he left me , but guess why ? because he wanted a lover and mistress he just realised that even though I was the one to hit on him he found that I was so sweet it was disgusting as I made him feel remorseful.

Anonymous 12.10 pm, if I've read your story 6 months ago I would say try to find out why he did this.But now my advice is , he is not even worth your thoughts.

Programmer Craig I tend to echo your thought here , he must have liked her ... curious as to what happened?

Chris in MB said...

If it was not for aggressive women I would have never of had any girlfriends!

I met my current relationship in a crowded bar. Every guy, I mean EVERY guy was trying to pick her up. She completely ignored every one of them. Later she approached me instead.

Days later, she told me that I interested her because she doesn't like guys who "look like they have lots of sex"! I'm not really sure if that was a compliment or what!

At the time she also thought I was not interested in her, which made her curious about me.