Dating in Jordan
I was thrilled to read this post "to date or not to date " by Jordanian blogger Khalidah , she was talking about dating in Jordan and how the concept is evolving. If you liked my series about dating in Libya I believe this post and the comments it engendered would be enriching. My dating in Libya posts are of course not finished yet by the way.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Saturday, March 04, 2006
What's love gotta to do with it
عندما اسمع او أفكر بهذه الاغنية أحس كأن الزمان لم يمضي وكانني مازلت تلك المراهقة التى تعتقد ان الحب يدوم ابدا
"I`ve been thinking of a new direction
But i have to say
I`ve been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way
What`s love got to do, got to do with it
What`s love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What`s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken"
(Tina Turner -favourite song of all times.)
Is the first cut really the deepest, or are all cuts of the same intensity ?
عندما اسمع او أفكر بهذه الاغنية أحس كأن الزمان لم يمضي وكانني مازلت تلك المراهقة التى تعتقد ان الحب يدوم ابدا
"I`ve been thinking of a new direction
But i have to say
I`ve been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way
What`s love got to do, got to do with it
What`s love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What`s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken"
(Tina Turner -favourite song of all times.)
Is the first cut really the deepest, or are all cuts of the same intensity ?
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Dating in Libya
Courting is usually followed by dating, if you liked the previous post ....then here is how dating has evolved in Libya as I see it:
...So you’ve lied to each other for months or weeks, been on your best behaviour or had some ‘lover’s’ quarrels in which the winner was the one to hold out and not call the other first. You’ve made your dad broke on phone bills, and your brothers or sisters snigger when you answer the phone in that voice reserved only for him.
He thinks you are the Goddess of Sex incarnate and you think he is perfect marriage material, those hormones are at a loss and you’re weak at knees when you hear his voice, what next?
Next you wait for him to ask you to meet; you do not ask to meet him. Eventually that day comes, and he asks to meet with you on a date. In the 70s -80s you will not be able to sit at a café together, the few that are available are men’s domain, and you would cause a scandal by meeting there. But you have a few choices depending on HOW MUCH you want to sacrifice and your courage:
(1) meet in a street outside your area and stay talking at a respectable distance from each other; but risk having someone you know bump into you.
(2) Arrange to meet at the University café – only place where there are men and women sitting in public without anyone frowning.
(3) Go in his car (or a borrowed ca)r and either park somewhere discreet or drive around. Risks : someone may see you , and you’re toast , grounded.
(4) Go with him to a friend’s empty flat, or shop, or office. So not to risk being seen by others and ruin your reputation.However, by this you actually taint your honour as this guy knows very well what he is doing and he was testing how far you would go. Accepting this solution, unless he loves you very much, means you have failed, and are cheap and fair game, because now he is not going to try and meet you to discuss your future as a couple, but he is going to try to get you into bed or as close as possible to that. Now if you are caught, you risk a prison sentence for adultery, let alone pregnancy if you have been foolish enough and the least is dishonour, but you won’t get killed by your family or tribe. Some smarter girls take a chaperone who acts as a lookout as well.
Points 1-4 are not all as cynical as I make them sound, some girls enjoyed these things immensely, they were occasions to dress up - and putting a fruity or minted lip-gloss was risqué , the summum of sexiness. You also had to find a foolproof excuse to be absent for a couple of hours from home on a legitimate errand. This usually involved a lot of machinations. This was the 80s. I will leave it to the imagination of the readers as to what happened at those dates. But I can assume that like all relationship there was a 50/50 chance at success and movement to next step : the engagement. Most girls though did nab their man.
Enter the 90s, during those years we begun to be drowned with latino telenovellas and satellite TV, now the girls had other ideas at their disposal, universities were full and courting improving a bit over the earlier version, the guys stopped being total idiots. No girl was going to sweep the front door to see her man. Couples were increasingly acceptable on campus and the unfolding relationships we witnessed were very entertaining. The goal was to get your guy prior to graduation day! i. e. you get your degree + a ring on your finger. That was equated with success. Dating meant you got, valentine cards, and flowers, letters , teddy bears which became fashionable - you know the white ones with a red bow where the toy is holding a heart shaped red cushion with ‘I love you’ printed on it … How I loathe these, I think the Arab world has been flooded with them. My Arab readers ? do you recall those ? what about my non –Arab readers, did you OD on white teddy bears ?
If a man gets me one of these made in Taiwan white teddies I swear I will commit a crime !!!! Putting make up on was very much tolerated now, so some used and abused.
Dating also meant you get to go to a restaurant together.
These are all courting, flirting, dating and affairs behind your parent’s back.
While a ‘legal’ official courting was when the man who saw you out for example liked you followed you home then asked about you and brought his family to ask for your hand, then you had an engagement party and you spent a good time with your fiancée meeting legally, either suitably chaperoned lest dear Lucifer gives you ideas, or arranging secret un-chaperoned meetings ( see 2-4 again) link here. Another version is that you met through common acquaintances and again he asks to marry you either after a few phone calls or directly.
In 1995 internet and mobile technology was introduced but to a select few, while in 1998 everyone could access it but at exorbitant prices. By 1999, internet cafes were springing up everywhere and by 2002 many people had cellphones, by 2005 mobile technology was and essential part of youths and other’s everyday life and quite affordable. So how did the dating go during that decade up to now 2006?
We shall see … hopefully the fun continues =>
Courting is usually followed by dating, if you liked the previous post ....then here is how dating has evolved in Libya as I see it:
...So you’ve lied to each other for months or weeks, been on your best behaviour or had some ‘lover’s’ quarrels in which the winner was the one to hold out and not call the other first. You’ve made your dad broke on phone bills, and your brothers or sisters snigger when you answer the phone in that voice reserved only for him.
He thinks you are the Goddess of Sex incarnate and you think he is perfect marriage material, those hormones are at a loss and you’re weak at knees when you hear his voice, what next?
Next you wait for him to ask you to meet; you do not ask to meet him. Eventually that day comes, and he asks to meet with you on a date. In the 70s -80s you will not be able to sit at a café together, the few that are available are men’s domain, and you would cause a scandal by meeting there. But you have a few choices depending on HOW MUCH you want to sacrifice and your courage:
(1) meet in a street outside your area and stay talking at a respectable distance from each other; but risk having someone you know bump into you.
(2) Arrange to meet at the University café – only place where there are men and women sitting in public without anyone frowning.
(3) Go in his car (or a borrowed ca)r and either park somewhere discreet or drive around. Risks : someone may see you , and you’re toast , grounded.
(4) Go with him to a friend’s empty flat, or shop, or office. So not to risk being seen by others and ruin your reputation.However, by this you actually taint your honour as this guy knows very well what he is doing and he was testing how far you would go. Accepting this solution, unless he loves you very much, means you have failed, and are cheap and fair game, because now he is not going to try and meet you to discuss your future as a couple, but he is going to try to get you into bed or as close as possible to that. Now if you are caught, you risk a prison sentence for adultery, let alone pregnancy if you have been foolish enough and the least is dishonour, but you won’t get killed by your family or tribe. Some smarter girls take a chaperone who acts as a lookout as well.
Points 1-4 are not all as cynical as I make them sound, some girls enjoyed these things immensely, they were occasions to dress up - and putting a fruity or minted lip-gloss was risqué , the summum of sexiness. You also had to find a foolproof excuse to be absent for a couple of hours from home on a legitimate errand. This usually involved a lot of machinations. This was the 80s. I will leave it to the imagination of the readers as to what happened at those dates. But I can assume that like all relationship there was a 50/50 chance at success and movement to next step : the engagement. Most girls though did nab their man.
Enter the 90s, during those years we begun to be drowned with latino telenovellas and satellite TV, now the girls had other ideas at their disposal, universities were full and courting improving a bit over the earlier version, the guys stopped being total idiots. No girl was going to sweep the front door to see her man. Couples were increasingly acceptable on campus and the unfolding relationships we witnessed were very entertaining. The goal was to get your guy prior to graduation day! i. e. you get your degree + a ring on your finger. That was equated with success. Dating meant you got, valentine cards, and flowers, letters , teddy bears which became fashionable - you know the white ones with a red bow where the toy is holding a heart shaped red cushion with ‘I love you’ printed on it … How I loathe these, I think the Arab world has been flooded with them. My Arab readers ? do you recall those ? what about my non –Arab readers, did you OD on white teddy bears ?
If a man gets me one of these made in Taiwan white teddies I swear I will commit a crime !!!! Putting make up on was very much tolerated now, so some used and abused.
Dating also meant you get to go to a restaurant together.
These are all courting, flirting, dating and affairs behind your parent’s back.
While a ‘legal’ official courting was when the man who saw you out for example liked you followed you home then asked about you and brought his family to ask for your hand, then you had an engagement party and you spent a good time with your fiancée meeting legally, either suitably chaperoned lest dear Lucifer gives you ideas, or arranging secret un-chaperoned meetings ( see 2-4 again) link here. Another version is that you met through common acquaintances and again he asks to marry you either after a few phone calls or directly.
In 1995 internet and mobile technology was introduced but to a select few, while in 1998 everyone could access it but at exorbitant prices. By 1999, internet cafes were springing up everywhere and by 2002 many people had cellphones, by 2005 mobile technology was and essential part of youths and other’s everyday life and quite affordable. So how did the dating go during that decade up to now 2006?
We shall see … hopefully the fun continues =>
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Memorable Valentine
Since this is a blog about human relationships, then Valentine’s Day is an important date to be celebrated…Yes we know that it has been awfully commercialized but it is the thought that counts, so ladies and gentlemen:
Do you wish to share your best/worst/funniest/most embarrassing Valentine moments with the rest of the blogosphere ? yes ? please I’m begging you … post them in the comment section ..NOW !
Meanwhile, I will share with you my first one :
In my job I am known for being extremely serious (bordering on the boring in my opinion) ‘tight ass bitch’ if I may say so, and knowing that I am the youngest in the management floor you can imagine what the rest of the staff in my department looks like – yes on their way to retirement. Well anyway hmm , the receptionist calls me “Violet, you have a visitor” . I can hear the disapproving tone in her voice , “what have I done to earn her wrath, oh God let it be good news” I pray to myself while proceeding to the waiting area. A strong perfume cologne which I will never forget is wafting true. Our receptionist who is as older than my mum looks at me very very curiously, I’m still puzzled, but I thank her anyway. Then I go to greet the guest.. .....
There sitting on the leather armchair is a gentleman in a smart grey Armani suit, polished shoes, crisp shirt and silk tie, hair combed back to within a millimeter, tanned skin glowing and he is smiling at me . Oh my God! it is my fiancé , I have never seen him dressed this way. He looked like the heros from those Harlequin and Mills and Boons romances, he was perfect and his eyes were glowing with love. But that was not all oh no ......he was carrying an immense basket with thirty red roses – it was my first Valentine ever and I was 30 years old. As much as I was pleased I was sooooooooo embarrassed, my boss and colleagues never saw me in any situation where I could be considered a female. I could imagine the gossip especially that 2 or 3 people were already walking by. I took him to my office and I had to use firmness not to allow him getting familiar and making a spectacle of me. I thought he was going to take me in his arms in the lobby – I would have been mortified and my reputation in shambles.
What do you do with a man who loves you so much he actually took the day off to get you roses personally delivered on Valentine. He was so clear and honest in his feelings, while I had totally forgotten about the day and was dressed in my black suit as usual looking like a feminist ad !
It was a beautiful Valentine’s Day followed by dinner at a famous fish restaurant in Tripoli . But oh I got teased so much at work. We dream of one rose a colleague said and you get a truckload of them. The roses lived for many weeks… I don’t know about the love.
Happy Valentine’s Day with love from Libya…..
Since this is a blog about human relationships, then Valentine’s Day is an important date to be celebrated…Yes we know that it has been awfully commercialized but it is the thought that counts, so ladies and gentlemen:
Do you wish to share your best/worst/funniest/most embarrassing Valentine moments with the rest of the blogosphere ? yes ? please I’m begging you … post them in the comment section ..NOW !
Meanwhile, I will share with you my first one :
In my job I am known for being extremely serious (bordering on the boring in my opinion) ‘tight ass bitch’ if I may say so, and knowing that I am the youngest in the management floor you can imagine what the rest of the staff in my department looks like – yes on their way to retirement. Well anyway hmm , the receptionist calls me “Violet, you have a visitor” . I can hear the disapproving tone in her voice , “what have I done to earn her wrath, oh God let it be good news” I pray to myself while proceeding to the waiting area. A strong perfume cologne which I will never forget is wafting true. Our receptionist who is as older than my mum looks at me very very curiously, I’m still puzzled, but I thank her anyway. Then I go to greet the guest.. .....
There sitting on the leather armchair is a gentleman in a smart grey Armani suit, polished shoes, crisp shirt and silk tie, hair combed back to within a millimeter, tanned skin glowing and he is smiling at me . Oh my God! it is my fiancé , I have never seen him dressed this way. He looked like the heros from those Harlequin and Mills and Boons romances, he was perfect and his eyes were glowing with love. But that was not all oh no ......he was carrying an immense basket with thirty red roses – it was my first Valentine ever and I was 30 years old. As much as I was pleased I was sooooooooo embarrassed, my boss and colleagues never saw me in any situation where I could be considered a female. I could imagine the gossip especially that 2 or 3 people were already walking by. I took him to my office and I had to use firmness not to allow him getting familiar and making a spectacle of me. I thought he was going to take me in his arms in the lobby – I would have been mortified and my reputation in shambles.
What do you do with a man who loves you so much he actually took the day off to get you roses personally delivered on Valentine. He was so clear and honest in his feelings, while I had totally forgotten about the day and was dressed in my black suit as usual looking like a feminist ad !
It was a beautiful Valentine’s Day followed by dinner at a famous fish restaurant in Tripoli . But oh I got teased so much at work. We dream of one rose a colleague said and you get a truckload of them. The roses lived for many weeks… I don’t know about the love.
Happy Valentine’s Day with love from Libya…..
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Courting in Libya
As mentioned in a previous post, neither traditions, nor culture or religion are going to stop men and women (or people of the same sex – not to offend our homosexual readers) to be attracted to each other. Whether this attraction stems from pure physical love or love of someone’s soul, many will attempt to seek to meet each other physically to assuage that desire (body and soul) and those raging hormones. The process starts at puberty ( some scientific research say it is even earlier) and Libyans are no exception.
Now the interesting part is how as a Libyan do you reconcile your desires , peer pressure, traditions , culture and religion . That’s a heavy load to carry and I’m sure many other Arab societies are embroiled in the same jam. I’m not going to talk above the Muslim societies of South east Asia who have different customs, nor those in America. My main point is the Arab and Arabicised societies., but really specifically Libya.
From poems, songs and folk tales we hear the stories of the girls meeting the boys at the well, or while shepherding or farming or running errands or at social gatherings and traditional festivities, when eyes would meet, fingers would briefly touch and other description which are part of our heritage now. Not wanting to soil the honour of our female populations, but I’m sure some of these have experienced a little beyond the surreptious touch or the coal burning glances ? The desert is vast, while the caves provide lots of nooks and crannies for the lovers wanting to drink each others breath or gaze more intimately and away from prying eyes into each others souls.
Arabs are great lovers and romantics too ( you would not believe it but yes they are), and the annals of history are full of their exploits in that area. I once read on a forum an Egyptian girl saying that she met Arabs and non-Arabs, and that she finally got married to an Arab, she said and I quote ‘ once you go Arabi you can never go back ;) !’… Foreign guys please watch out, you got stiff competition out there ;)
Anyway we have established that shenanigans and romance have been taking places since as long as we can remember. My post will be concentrating however on Libya in the 20th-21st Century.
Looking at old photos of our uncles and aunts and parents, and sitting to hear their stories is a minefield of information on human behaviour. Cousins and their friends and neighbours also are great storytellers, and I’m going to deploy all this harvest at your fingertips.
Just because we are a conservative society does not mean there are no opportunities to meet people from the opposite sex, and if there are not, we create them.
In Libya you cannot bring a girlfriend/boyfriend and introduce her to your parents, it is just not acceptable, honour and reputation are involved, mostly the girl’s but even the guy’s. It may be viewed as hypocritical to do these things in the dark but that’s how it is
I recall the first Libyan guy to make a pass at me, it was so funny I could not help giggling in his face, I must have offended the guy, I just thought it was so immature that a man would behave this way, just coming straight up to me would have been easier. The guy first walked up and down my street, then loomed near our ‘kanchello’ or front door , then at the first opportunity that I left the house he would say ‘pssst psst’ and wink , now what did he think I was a cat or that I would blindly follow him?. He kept this maneuver for a few days then when that did not work he tried to pass me a folded paper ‘take this and read it please’, then he became so insistent and a fixture in my street that he was going to bring me trouble and family wrath so to get rid of him I finally took his folded paper, read the first and last lines which were professing undying love - a totally illogical idea at that moment for a 14 year old . Well I looked straight at him tore the letter to bits and threw it. He finally got the message.
But this is basically how it worked, the boy usually initiates it , you do not under and any circumstance initiate contact because then you are labeled fast , racy and cheap. Those days were hilarious, you had guys trying to give scraps of paper with their phone number. If you were interested dating a guy by phone was quite a safe thing unless your parents or brothers catch you, then you are punished by not being allowed to use the phone. The girls would usually pretend to be talking to their girlfriend by using girl names and feminine adjectives and pronouns, it was so funny to listen to them. The bolder ones would sneak the phone late at night in their rooms, now I don’t know what kind of conversation they had but I’m sure it was not about the ozone layer or the state of the Israeli –Arab war. A girl with brains was a looser. I never could do the phone talk thingy because first of all I was used to talking to guys on equal footing and plus my voice is so loud I’ll wake up everyone plus I was a coward as I knew the phone bill would show the numbers dialed ;) .
You talked on the phone either from your house or better from your best friend’s house . Why ? because your mum cannot tell your friend to hang up, and her mum cannot tell you to hang up , so there would be daily phone parties/visits, with lots of giggling and gossip.
After a prolonged phone relationship you were ready to move to the next stage? Which was to allow the object of your desire to get a second glimpse of you , that’s when he would tell you ‘I’ll be near your front door in 10 minutes and I’m bringing chocolates or something can you come out for a second?’ . For this you need a good excuse , like throwing the rubbish , or cleaning the doorstep with a broom, suddenly you are a paragon of housewifely virtue – your mum is flabbergasted as she’s been trying to get you to wash the doorstep since last week. So you’re there broom in hand sweeping the doorsteps in your best T-shirt and he passes by in his car (if he’s over 18 – more desirable i.e. marriage potential) or on foot then he is still in high school but since your are 14 , 16 seems old and wise to you. Depending on the situation on the street you post a lookout, one of your girlfriends or your little sister or brother – whom you will have to bribe later. And so you either go to the guy and say hi briefly or he throws at you a love letter and present. So cute isn’t it ? I always was the lookout since I did not dare do anything else , plus I was so obnoxious thinking this was sooooooooo pathetic. Why risk your reputation for 1 minute of seeing a snotty pimply guy … ah my friends were in despair .
Next step after that is to arrange for a date…in Libya ?
Stay tuned --- to be continued =>
As mentioned in a previous post, neither traditions, nor culture or religion are going to stop men and women (or people of the same sex – not to offend our homosexual readers) to be attracted to each other. Whether this attraction stems from pure physical love or love of someone’s soul, many will attempt to seek to meet each other physically to assuage that desire (body and soul) and those raging hormones. The process starts at puberty ( some scientific research say it is even earlier) and Libyans are no exception.
Now the interesting part is how as a Libyan do you reconcile your desires , peer pressure, traditions , culture and religion . That’s a heavy load to carry and I’m sure many other Arab societies are embroiled in the same jam. I’m not going to talk above the Muslim societies of South east Asia who have different customs, nor those in America. My main point is the Arab and Arabicised societies., but really specifically Libya.
From poems, songs and folk tales we hear the stories of the girls meeting the boys at the well, or while shepherding or farming or running errands or at social gatherings and traditional festivities, when eyes would meet, fingers would briefly touch and other description which are part of our heritage now. Not wanting to soil the honour of our female populations, but I’m sure some of these have experienced a little beyond the surreptious touch or the coal burning glances ? The desert is vast, while the caves provide lots of nooks and crannies for the lovers wanting to drink each others breath or gaze more intimately and away from prying eyes into each others souls.
Arabs are great lovers and romantics too ( you would not believe it but yes they are), and the annals of history are full of their exploits in that area. I once read on a forum an Egyptian girl saying that she met Arabs and non-Arabs, and that she finally got married to an Arab, she said and I quote ‘ once you go Arabi you can never go back ;) !’… Foreign guys please watch out, you got stiff competition out there ;)
Anyway we have established that shenanigans and romance have been taking places since as long as we can remember. My post will be concentrating however on Libya in the 20th-21st Century.
Looking at old photos of our uncles and aunts and parents, and sitting to hear their stories is a minefield of information on human behaviour. Cousins and their friends and neighbours also are great storytellers, and I’m going to deploy all this harvest at your fingertips.
Just because we are a conservative society does not mean there are no opportunities to meet people from the opposite sex, and if there are not, we create them.
In Libya you cannot bring a girlfriend/boyfriend and introduce her to your parents, it is just not acceptable, honour and reputation are involved, mostly the girl’s but even the guy’s. It may be viewed as hypocritical to do these things in the dark but that’s how it is
I recall the first Libyan guy to make a pass at me, it was so funny I could not help giggling in his face, I must have offended the guy, I just thought it was so immature that a man would behave this way, just coming straight up to me would have been easier. The guy first walked up and down my street, then loomed near our ‘kanchello’ or front door , then at the first opportunity that I left the house he would say ‘pssst psst’ and wink , now what did he think I was a cat or that I would blindly follow him?. He kept this maneuver for a few days then when that did not work he tried to pass me a folded paper ‘take this and read it please’, then he became so insistent and a fixture in my street that he was going to bring me trouble and family wrath so to get rid of him I finally took his folded paper, read the first and last lines which were professing undying love - a totally illogical idea at that moment for a 14 year old . Well I looked straight at him tore the letter to bits and threw it. He finally got the message.
But this is basically how it worked, the boy usually initiates it , you do not under and any circumstance initiate contact because then you are labeled fast , racy and cheap. Those days were hilarious, you had guys trying to give scraps of paper with their phone number. If you were interested dating a guy by phone was quite a safe thing unless your parents or brothers catch you, then you are punished by not being allowed to use the phone. The girls would usually pretend to be talking to their girlfriend by using girl names and feminine adjectives and pronouns, it was so funny to listen to them. The bolder ones would sneak the phone late at night in their rooms, now I don’t know what kind of conversation they had but I’m sure it was not about the ozone layer or the state of the Israeli –Arab war. A girl with brains was a looser. I never could do the phone talk thingy because first of all I was used to talking to guys on equal footing and plus my voice is so loud I’ll wake up everyone plus I was a coward as I knew the phone bill would show the numbers dialed ;) .
You talked on the phone either from your house or better from your best friend’s house . Why ? because your mum cannot tell your friend to hang up, and her mum cannot tell you to hang up , so there would be daily phone parties/visits, with lots of giggling and gossip.
After a prolonged phone relationship you were ready to move to the next stage? Which was to allow the object of your desire to get a second glimpse of you , that’s when he would tell you ‘I’ll be near your front door in 10 minutes and I’m bringing chocolates or something can you come out for a second?’ . For this you need a good excuse , like throwing the rubbish , or cleaning the doorstep with a broom, suddenly you are a paragon of housewifely virtue – your mum is flabbergasted as she’s been trying to get you to wash the doorstep since last week. So you’re there broom in hand sweeping the doorsteps in your best T-shirt and he passes by in his car (if he’s over 18 – more desirable i.e. marriage potential) or on foot then he is still in high school but since your are 14 , 16 seems old and wise to you. Depending on the situation on the street you post a lookout, one of your girlfriends or your little sister or brother – whom you will have to bribe later. And so you either go to the guy and say hi briefly or he throws at you a love letter and present. So cute isn’t it ? I always was the lookout since I did not dare do anything else , plus I was so obnoxious thinking this was sooooooooo pathetic. Why risk your reputation for 1 minute of seeing a snotty pimply guy … ah my friends were in despair .
Next step after that is to arrange for a date…in Libya ?
Stay tuned --- to be continued =>
Friday, January 20, 2006
Revamped Teddy Bear
I’m a compulsive hoarder of images and photos, especially those sent via email. My reasoning goes this way: ‘this may be useful for something later on, save it’ or maybe it is something I plan on buying, so having an image of the product is more helpful.
Among those ancient collections of 2004 , I re-discovered this amazing product. Unfortunately I had not saved a link to it and so I had to go hunting today to get to the bottom of the story. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the “Boyfriend’s arm pillow”, yes you heard well. Others have written about it. So what ? why shouldn’t I spread the word …
Anyway the Japanese are always inventing amazing gadgets but this even more fun.
The pillow consists of a half a man’s torso ( life size) and an arm; and the arm contains an alarm which vibrates you awake . No comment . Girls what are you waiting for ?
The “Boyfriend Arm’s Pillow” is shaped like a giant arm which will hold you all night without the need for the real thing.
A revamped teddy for the 21st century ! I think it is a sweet idea ( unless you have your man around). We have outgrown the fluffly teddy bear, and admit it many still take their teddy to bed right? So exit teddy and welcome ‘boyfriend's arm’ plus you can change the shirt ..erm the ‘pillowcase’ ..comes in different colours.
My suggestion , spray your favourite men’s cologne on it and I guarantee interesting dreams. Plus many of us sleep with pillows in ‘various’ positions anyway. Now I’m wondering what was my intention when I saved that photo ? the novelty of the product ? it’s kinkiness ? or for future purchase? It certainly was not to blog about it.
Still if given the choice I’d rather the real thing –
Now check out what those Japanese have come up with as well, 'to provide a headrest that simulates the comforting lap of a tiny Japanese woman'? …noooooooo? YES ! 'her lap pillow' ( warning sensitive material ) - enjoy .
Samantha Benneth here made a study about this phenomenon, she says that 'cuddle parties' are the latest 'in' thing, and it turns out all we need as humans is to hug - females love cuddling so much ..so guys PLEASE don't be stingy because :
"[as] dispiriting as the Boyfriend's Arm phenomenon may be, it targets a deep need in women -- one that, according to the latest research, men do not share. A team at the University of North Carolina's medical school has found that nonsexual stroking can lower a woman's blood pressure as much as medication [..]The study found that when her partner strokes her hands, neck or back while she watches a movie, a woman's brain secretes 20 percent more oxytocin, a calming hormone that slows the heart. And the stroking produced much more oxytocin than holding hands, lying side by side or gazing into each other's eyes".
We in the ME tend to 'touch' people more, so there is no lack of hugging , and I'm sure the people in a relationship are doing more than merely hugging, nonetheless it's comforting to know that thanks to the Japanese, singles have an alternative option that does not need to be shamefully hidden away (from your parents) like those Ann Summers products.
So start getting your woman 'high' on those oxytocins , and watch out the end results .
I’m a compulsive hoarder of images and photos, especially those sent via email. My reasoning goes this way: ‘this may be useful for something later on, save it’ or maybe it is something I plan on buying, so having an image of the product is more helpful.
Among those ancient collections of 2004 , I re-discovered this amazing product. Unfortunately I had not saved a link to it and so I had to go hunting today to get to the bottom of the story. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the “Boyfriend’s arm pillow”, yes you heard well. Others have written about it. So what ? why shouldn’t I spread the word …
Anyway the Japanese are always inventing amazing gadgets but this even more fun.
The pillow consists of a half a man’s torso ( life size) and an arm; and the arm contains an alarm which vibrates you awake . No comment . Girls what are you waiting for ?
The “Boyfriend Arm’s Pillow” is shaped like a giant arm which will hold you all night without the need for the real thing.
A revamped teddy for the 21st century ! I think it is a sweet idea ( unless you have your man around). We have outgrown the fluffly teddy bear, and admit it many still take their teddy to bed right? So exit teddy and welcome ‘boyfriend's arm’ plus you can change the shirt ..erm the ‘pillowcase’ ..comes in different colours.
My suggestion , spray your favourite men’s cologne on it and I guarantee interesting dreams. Plus many of us sleep with pillows in ‘various’ positions anyway. Now I’m wondering what was my intention when I saved that photo ? the novelty of the product ? it’s kinkiness ? or for future purchase? It certainly was not to blog about it.
Still if given the choice I’d rather the real thing –
Now check out what those Japanese have come up with as well, 'to provide a headrest that simulates the comforting lap of a tiny Japanese woman'? …noooooooo? YES ! 'her lap pillow' ( warning sensitive material ) - enjoy .
Samantha Benneth here made a study about this phenomenon, she says that 'cuddle parties' are the latest 'in' thing, and it turns out all we need as humans is to hug - females love cuddling so much ..so guys PLEASE don't be stingy because :
"[as] dispiriting as the Boyfriend's Arm phenomenon may be, it targets a deep need in women -- one that, according to the latest research, men do not share. A team at the University of North Carolina's medical school has found that nonsexual stroking can lower a woman's blood pressure as much as medication [..]The study found that when her partner strokes her hands, neck or back while she watches a movie, a woman's brain secretes 20 percent more oxytocin, a calming hormone that slows the heart. And the stroking produced much more oxytocin than holding hands, lying side by side or gazing into each other's eyes".
We in the ME tend to 'touch' people more, so there is no lack of hugging , and I'm sure the people in a relationship are doing more than merely hugging, nonetheless it's comforting to know that thanks to the Japanese, singles have an alternative option that does not need to be shamefully hidden away (from your parents) like those Ann Summers products.
So start getting your woman 'high' on those oxytocins , and watch out the end results .
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
Sequel to cybersex : case no. I
Apart from your honest comments, the post about online dating and cybersex engendered a number of emails. As promised earlier , I'm posting some of them to give advice or find a solution... ok here is my favorite it is very long but worth it:
Dear Violet,
Someone at work sent me a link to your blog, I was surprised to find a Libyan woman discussing this in a public space. You don’t know me and I don’t know you but I think what you are trying to do is exciting. As a Libyan you know how much we talk about these matters when we women get together, but it such a novelty to find it here.
I never told this to anyone. 3 years ago I met an Arab guy. We started emailing, sometimes more than once a day, and got to know each other well I thought. Then one day, I had to go on a family trip with a very short notice. I emailel him about this and gave my phone number. He called me, and started phoning every night. I was madly in love, this fantastic man, with the voice of an angel and so knowledgeable was spending hours of his time with me. I wanted nothing but to meet him, he only told me his name and gave me his mobiles, and home numbers . I thought it was only a matter of time until he will reveal the rest about himself , send a photo and ask to meet my parents. You cannot believe how silly I was. Then one night when we were talking he went a little further in his suggestions . First I went along thinking it was sweet, he really was so romantic, but then the conversation became hardcore. I accepted it because I liked him a lot and was thinking men are liked that and this will keep him interested. He assured me it is all in the mind, a fantasy because we are not doing anything. I really don’t know because for sure for me it was mental. After that night he confessed that he was divorced and had a son and an ongoing custody battle in one of the most closed countries in the world. He said this boy was everything to him and that 's why he divorced his mother and will not have her back. Anyway he said he plans to marry but only after he gets custody so as not to give her any leverage in court.
I should have run as these were enough signals, but by then I was too fascinated by him, I thought I could be the woman of his life who will care for him and his son. (So what if he has a son that’s not a shame, and he did not want to advertise immediately until he knew me better).Well I found lots of rationalizing excuses. What tipped the scales in his favour was that he let me talk to his son, and the kid was adorable and obviously so happy with his dad. So I assumed that this man cannot be bad, he is taking care of a baby. He is mysterious because he holds a very sensitive position in his country.
One day I called and a female voice answered, hetold me his family knew about me. So when his sister picked up the phone I asked her ‘could I speak to X please? This is Y’. She told me ‘sorry there is no one by the name of X here you must be mistaken’ . I excused myself profusely and hung up on her. I checked the number just to establish that I was correct. Then a lamp lit in my head , ‘ok he is lying and his name is not x , but why ?’. A little voice was saying drop him , you don’t even know how he looks like, before it is too late. But I could not, he had played too much with my mind by then I really wanted him no matter what he looked like, he can't be a scumbag.
So next time he called I told him what happened and he said he knew and his sister did not hear me well and so she thought I was asking for someone else. Although i was not convinced , I pretended I was and rationalized again his behavor.Needless to say that he stopped with the letters when we started phoning. I was thinking this man is obviously brilliant why is he bothering with me when he could have his pick of women? What is his secret?
I went against my instincts and sent him my photo when he asked but imagine my shock and disappointment when he did not send his ?Excuses excuses, 2 years until I was able to get it. No I’m not a masochist but , I was in love or a bad case of infatuation. He wrote a long email explaining he will dedicate himself to his son and will not hurt him with a stepmother- that should have been my exit cue. By then it has become my challenge to get him to meet in real life, so I traced him from his numbers and found that the sister was right to tell me I had the wrong number because obviously I had asked for the wrong person. It was really bad trying to even hide your name why ? My fascination was like the moth going to a light, I have seen such wonderful brilliant aspects from his personality so I don’t know why he was doing this, it did not make sense.
His phone calls became rare , and the emails stopped . We met 3 years later. He was really, as handsome as I thought and as tender as believed he could be. His son was adorable. I had confirmation that he was truely divorced and he confirmed the name I had discovered before without even excusing himself. We did not have privacy as his son was a chaperone He proved to me his identity and I was impressed , the guy was who he was and yes he had a right to be secretive from his resume. But my criticism was that he could trust me after all those years? I thought he knew me because I had nothing to hide. I thought that was a good step and a new page towards the future. We had breakfast , lunch, coffee,snacks and dinner the three of us. I warmed towards them so much we went out on big walks and the people thought we were married.
That night I went back home with them and I watched him put his son to bed and wash him and read stories and stuff, he did not exclude me at all from the process. In fact his son asked him whether he was going to marry me. I felt very confident. I should have gone home the, but I did not. Mistake no. 3 . I remained because I wanted to have a private conversation without the child, I honestly had no hanky panky in mind. I was learning to address him in his real name when for 3 years I could not even pronounce it. I told him that I knew who he was etc.. and he said he knew that but he had feared for my life and did not want to get me in trouble by associating with him. He said such sweet things and the way he pronounced my name made me buckle at the knees, forgiving him all that he put me through. I let him kiss me and touch my breasts very briefly. He carried me tenderly to the couch and we sat talking. I told him I was not interested in sex I could wait, and anyway he did not want to either , I mean his son was across the hall right? This would ruin his custody chances. We could wait until the ruling. He pulled himself together , hugged me fiercely and took me to the guest room to sleep , it was too late to let me get back home. Boy was I glad that I had a foolproof excuse at home, no one was looking for me. He covered me just like he did to his son and went to bed.
I had such fantasies of a mutual life together the 3 of us and then later a little girl. I was living in dreamland. Rehashing his words that he had agreed to meet me this time, because he wanted to prove that he was everything he claimed to be, not a cyberfigure. He really was, a father and a gentleman , and a very very busy important man judging by the international call, faxes , telephones and the deference of the people, in addition to the concrete papers I’ve seen.
But this was my first night to sleep under the same roof of a strange man, I felt guilty, even if there was a chaperone. I had let the man kiss me. I was a bit hurt by that time that he left me to go sleep with his son. So I waited till morning and left very early home. I did not take the expensive present he had bought for me. I had no need for this.
I waited for his phone call, because my plans for the day depended on him. See I had cleared a 3 day empty slot for his sake because he had made that week especially for us to be together. But it was not going as I wanted. I wanted to hear the words ‘I love you’. And all he did was spend time with his son. We only met late for dinner that night. So I decided to stop seeing him, I had no time for heartache. He knows my feelings, I have nothing to hide and he knows were to find me.I had been patient for too long. I said farewell that night after dinner. I think he was shocked by my choice of clothes. I wanted to show him my sexy fashionable side as opposed to the day before .I wish I had remained conservative, I think he got the impression I was too wild and with the combination of my willing to spend the night at their home, that’s not what men are used to around these parts.
He never wrote back, he never called and when I wrote he said he was very busy with his son's problems and at work and simply had no time and 'no' was no forgetting about me.
I don't know what to think but I did not talk to him after that as I felt humiliated . What is weird is that he would still call me on important dates and feasts, he just phoned for new year . I'm very confused . Is that how guy's behave ?
Fozia
Ok readers, what do you think ? did Fozia make a mistake ? Does having online sex ( or phone sex in this case) jeopardize a woman's chance of success? Are you immediately labeled a slut just because you do, in a similar way as the girls who make out with guys in real life
I have my own question too it is about this rule that the women in Libyan keep warning each other about : Arab men are ALL the same. They will have fun with you then go tell their mum to find a good girl for them . Emphasis on the ‘good’ here. So don’t kiss , don’t show your body, don’t hug etc… if you want to nab the guy, you can let him touch your hand after a few months of dating but not more. Then there is the other crowd. Nothing keeps a man until you sleep with him.
So which crowd should a girl believe? In both cases the girls got the men they wanted. Pretty confusing I admit .
Apart from your honest comments, the post about online dating and cybersex engendered a number of emails. As promised earlier , I'm posting some of them to give advice or find a solution... ok here is my favorite it is very long but worth it:
Dear Violet,
Someone at work sent me a link to your blog, I was surprised to find a Libyan woman discussing this in a public space. You don’t know me and I don’t know you but I think what you are trying to do is exciting. As a Libyan you know how much we talk about these matters when we women get together, but it such a novelty to find it here.
I never told this to anyone. 3 years ago I met an Arab guy. We started emailing, sometimes more than once a day, and got to know each other well I thought. Then one day, I had to go on a family trip with a very short notice. I emailel him about this and gave my phone number. He called me, and started phoning every night. I was madly in love, this fantastic man, with the voice of an angel and so knowledgeable was spending hours of his time with me. I wanted nothing but to meet him, he only told me his name and gave me his mobiles, and home numbers . I thought it was only a matter of time until he will reveal the rest about himself , send a photo and ask to meet my parents. You cannot believe how silly I was. Then one night when we were talking he went a little further in his suggestions . First I went along thinking it was sweet, he really was so romantic, but then the conversation became hardcore. I accepted it because I liked him a lot and was thinking men are liked that and this will keep him interested. He assured me it is all in the mind, a fantasy because we are not doing anything. I really don’t know because for sure for me it was mental. After that night he confessed that he was divorced and had a son and an ongoing custody battle in one of the most closed countries in the world. He said this boy was everything to him and that 's why he divorced his mother and will not have her back. Anyway he said he plans to marry but only after he gets custody so as not to give her any leverage in court.
I should have run as these were enough signals, but by then I was too fascinated by him, I thought I could be the woman of his life who will care for him and his son. (So what if he has a son that’s not a shame, and he did not want to advertise immediately until he knew me better).Well I found lots of rationalizing excuses. What tipped the scales in his favour was that he let me talk to his son, and the kid was adorable and obviously so happy with his dad. So I assumed that this man cannot be bad, he is taking care of a baby. He is mysterious because he holds a very sensitive position in his country.
One day I called and a female voice answered, hetold me his family knew about me. So when his sister picked up the phone I asked her ‘could I speak to X please? This is Y’. She told me ‘sorry there is no one by the name of X here you must be mistaken’ . I excused myself profusely and hung up on her. I checked the number just to establish that I was correct. Then a lamp lit in my head , ‘ok he is lying and his name is not x , but why ?’. A little voice was saying drop him , you don’t even know how he looks like, before it is too late. But I could not, he had played too much with my mind by then I really wanted him no matter what he looked like, he can't be a scumbag.
So next time he called I told him what happened and he said he knew and his sister did not hear me well and so she thought I was asking for someone else. Although i was not convinced , I pretended I was and rationalized again his behavor.Needless to say that he stopped with the letters when we started phoning. I was thinking this man is obviously brilliant why is he bothering with me when he could have his pick of women? What is his secret?
I went against my instincts and sent him my photo when he asked but imagine my shock and disappointment when he did not send his ?Excuses excuses, 2 years until I was able to get it. No I’m not a masochist but , I was in love or a bad case of infatuation. He wrote a long email explaining he will dedicate himself to his son and will not hurt him with a stepmother- that should have been my exit cue. By then it has become my challenge to get him to meet in real life, so I traced him from his numbers and found that the sister was right to tell me I had the wrong number because obviously I had asked for the wrong person. It was really bad trying to even hide your name why ? My fascination was like the moth going to a light, I have seen such wonderful brilliant aspects from his personality so I don’t know why he was doing this, it did not make sense.
His phone calls became rare , and the emails stopped . We met 3 years later. He was really, as handsome as I thought and as tender as believed he could be. His son was adorable. I had confirmation that he was truely divorced and he confirmed the name I had discovered before without even excusing himself. We did not have privacy as his son was a chaperone He proved to me his identity and I was impressed , the guy was who he was and yes he had a right to be secretive from his resume. But my criticism was that he could trust me after all those years? I thought he knew me because I had nothing to hide. I thought that was a good step and a new page towards the future. We had breakfast , lunch, coffee,snacks and dinner the three of us. I warmed towards them so much we went out on big walks and the people thought we were married.
That night I went back home with them and I watched him put his son to bed and wash him and read stories and stuff, he did not exclude me at all from the process. In fact his son asked him whether he was going to marry me. I felt very confident. I should have gone home the, but I did not. Mistake no. 3 . I remained because I wanted to have a private conversation without the child, I honestly had no hanky panky in mind. I was learning to address him in his real name when for 3 years I could not even pronounce it. I told him that I knew who he was etc.. and he said he knew that but he had feared for my life and did not want to get me in trouble by associating with him. He said such sweet things and the way he pronounced my name made me buckle at the knees, forgiving him all that he put me through. I let him kiss me and touch my breasts very briefly. He carried me tenderly to the couch and we sat talking. I told him I was not interested in sex I could wait, and anyway he did not want to either , I mean his son was across the hall right? This would ruin his custody chances. We could wait until the ruling. He pulled himself together , hugged me fiercely and took me to the guest room to sleep , it was too late to let me get back home. Boy was I glad that I had a foolproof excuse at home, no one was looking for me. He covered me just like he did to his son and went to bed.
I had such fantasies of a mutual life together the 3 of us and then later a little girl. I was living in dreamland. Rehashing his words that he had agreed to meet me this time, because he wanted to prove that he was everything he claimed to be, not a cyberfigure. He really was, a father and a gentleman , and a very very busy important man judging by the international call, faxes , telephones and the deference of the people, in addition to the concrete papers I’ve seen.
But this was my first night to sleep under the same roof of a strange man, I felt guilty, even if there was a chaperone. I had let the man kiss me. I was a bit hurt by that time that he left me to go sleep with his son. So I waited till morning and left very early home. I did not take the expensive present he had bought for me. I had no need for this.
I waited for his phone call, because my plans for the day depended on him. See I had cleared a 3 day empty slot for his sake because he had made that week especially for us to be together. But it was not going as I wanted. I wanted to hear the words ‘I love you’. And all he did was spend time with his son. We only met late for dinner that night. So I decided to stop seeing him, I had no time for heartache. He knows my feelings, I have nothing to hide and he knows were to find me.I had been patient for too long. I said farewell that night after dinner. I think he was shocked by my choice of clothes. I wanted to show him my sexy fashionable side as opposed to the day before .I wish I had remained conservative, I think he got the impression I was too wild and with the combination of my willing to spend the night at their home, that’s not what men are used to around these parts.
He never wrote back, he never called and when I wrote he said he was very busy with his son's problems and at work and simply had no time and 'no' was no forgetting about me.
I don't know what to think but I did not talk to him after that as I felt humiliated . What is weird is that he would still call me on important dates and feasts, he just phoned for new year . I'm very confused . Is that how guy's behave ?
Fozia
Ok readers, what do you think ? did Fozia make a mistake ? Does having online sex ( or phone sex in this case) jeopardize a woman's chance of success? Are you immediately labeled a slut just because you do, in a similar way as the girls who make out with guys in real life
I have my own question too it is about this rule that the women in Libyan keep warning each other about : Arab men are ALL the same. They will have fun with you then go tell their mum to find a good girl for them . Emphasis on the ‘good’ here. So don’t kiss , don’t show your body, don’t hug etc… if you want to nab the guy, you can let him touch your hand after a few months of dating but not more. Then there is the other crowd. Nothing keeps a man until you sleep with him.
So which crowd should a girl believe? In both cases the girls got the men they wanted. Pretty confusing I admit .
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Online dating and Cybersex
With the popularisation of internet and worldwide easy communication, it has become easier for people to meet online, if not in chatroom and forums than in specialised dating sites such as match.com and bentalhalal.com . These sites have mushroomed in every society and I guess they do tender to a need as there are many professionals out there who may not have the time to hang around singles bars or are too old for the disco/clubbing scene. Also in more conservative societies it is a click away to talk to someone from the opposite sex and if you are wise there will be no repercussions and perhaps a happy ending. It's kind of safer as you do not need to actually date or you can date when it is agreeable to you both at your own pace.
However cybersex is something altoghether different, this is purely physical and its protagonists do not go in with the purpose of romance and marriage but definetely for some kind of erotic fullfilment.Reporter Regina Lynn has ventured into this world and come back with this article about her experiences ....check extracts below:
"The best cybersex happens on multiple levels. You have a layer of reality in which you update each other about what's happening with your bodies"
"Then you have the "action" level, where you describe what you're doing together in the fantasy"
She is asking"Would you have cybersex with someone you met through an online dating site? Would you go on a date with someone you met through a cybersex chat room? "
She likes it so much that she now has her own user name oops . Please go read the whole article, courtesy of www.wired.com.
Over the last few years I have celebrated several weddings Arab ( at least 3 are Libyans) and non Arab where the spouses met online, I thought that was cute, but no one told me about their cybersex adventures.
Regina maintains that cybersex is good for couples who are physically distant, such as milatiry and so on ...what do you guys and girls think ? Do you have experience of online dating or even cybersex you wanna share * add mischievious grin here * . I can post , or you can post it and discuss.
Have a happy new year folks !
With the popularisation of internet and worldwide easy communication, it has become easier for people to meet online, if not in chatroom and forums than in specialised dating sites such as match.com and bentalhalal.com . These sites have mushroomed in every society and I guess they do tender to a need as there are many professionals out there who may not have the time to hang around singles bars or are too old for the disco/clubbing scene. Also in more conservative societies it is a click away to talk to someone from the opposite sex and if you are wise there will be no repercussions and perhaps a happy ending. It's kind of safer as you do not need to actually date or you can date when it is agreeable to you both at your own pace.
However cybersex is something altoghether different, this is purely physical and its protagonists do not go in with the purpose of romance and marriage but definetely for some kind of erotic fullfilment.Reporter Regina Lynn has ventured into this world and come back with this article about her experiences ....check extracts below:
"The best cybersex happens on multiple levels. You have a layer of reality in which you update each other about what's happening with your bodies"
"Then you have the "action" level, where you describe what you're doing together in the fantasy"
She is asking"Would you have cybersex with someone you met through an online dating site? Would you go on a date with someone you met through a cybersex chat room? "
She likes it so much that she now has her own user name oops . Please go read the whole article, courtesy of www.wired.com.
Over the last few years I have celebrated several weddings Arab ( at least 3 are Libyans) and non Arab where the spouses met online, I thought that was cute, but no one told me about their cybersex adventures.
Regina maintains that cybersex is good for couples who are physically distant, such as milatiry and so on ...what do you guys and girls think ? Do you have experience of online dating or even cybersex you wanna share * add mischievious grin here * . I can post , or you can post it and discuss.
Have a happy new year folks !
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
The shorts and the bicycle
She has been daydreaming about Tripoli for weeks now. Her new school, a chance to make more friends, the beach, the warm weather, tons of cousins her age; it was going to be so perfect.
K was thirteen, and along with her three other siblings had waited for their relocation back home for a long long time, fantasizing their house, rooms and all the treasures they would discover.
The first few weeks of euphoria passed by without a hitch and she knew by now her way around the neighborhood. So the next time she had to run some errands like buy fresh bread or milk, K found it natural to jump on her bicycle and pedal away to her destination. The weather was hot and humid so she went out with her usual cropped jeans shorts, sloppy T-shirt and sneakers, not realizing she had just created a scandal.
“Wow hold your horses!” you’re saying, what are you talking about? Where is the scandal ? A teenager, on a bicycle, you are a raving lunatic.
And I tell you no, not yet. This scenario effectively took place in one of the Tripoli posh residential areas in the early 80s. Around that time a wave of conservatism had started to blanket the country and the hippy years and wild 70s were fading away.
K was unaware how attractive she looked with those gorgeous slim, long and shiny white legs. The lighter your skin tone the more attractive you are here. She was oblivious to the wolf whistles and remarks because in her innocence she did not associate this with her presence. She did not think she was doing something ‘taboo’ all of a sudden especially that many people from her parents’ generation were attired in all sorts of ‘revealing’ clothing.
After a few trips like this, her grandmother took her aside and told her “K, sweetie you have to stop wearing those shorts outside the garden”, “but why grandma’?”. I assume the grandmother herself was embarrassed to tell this girl the reason, she did not herself think it was particularly wrong but her neighbours were complaining and she could not let her granddaughter ruin her ‘reputation’ unwittingly. Caving in was easier, plus not everybody was fashionably westernized/ trendy, and when in Rome you better do as the Romans do, ain’t that right? The men were oggling her baby as a walking vagina and she was ashamed to tell her this.
The constitution guaranteed her freedom to wear what she wants, Islamism was not on the rise just yet, it was simply the mentality of the majority. A ‘decent’ girl would not do this, especially if she was better endowed then her peers and stopped looking like a child.
So the grandma’ told her that it was 3ayb in Libya to do this, that Libya was not Europe. That was the last day K rode a bicycle.
When I heard this story, I could not help feeling sorry for K, yet sympathizing with her grandma’s dilemma. She was not going to reform the mentality of her society, nor the hypocrisy of women who had worn miniskirts in their heyday and now were lecturing a kid playing with shorts. It was illogical. Yet that is what happened.
You are welcome to discuss the relative merit of who is right or who is wrong and how it could have been handled differently, but let me tell you; twenty years ago a teenage girl may get away with such and act, but in this day and age she would not have even dared do this.
A colleague of mine was telling me today how his daughter asked for a bicycle on her birthday. R is 19, she wanted it to go to university instead of getting stuck in the traffic jams and at the same time it would be good cardiovascular exercise. He did not refuse but told her that he would have to get into a dozen fights everyday with perfect strangers because of how they would treat R on her way to college. So she agreed to use the bicycle on their property and in the compounds specially designed for foreign workers. Is that not pathetic ? I get angry when a society concentrates on trivialities and leaves the bigger issues unattended. Who cares what you drive, or how much flesh you show?
It seems the objection was more for the shorts than the bicycle or is it the other way around?
She has been daydreaming about Tripoli for weeks now. Her new school, a chance to make more friends, the beach, the warm weather, tons of cousins her age; it was going to be so perfect.
K was thirteen, and along with her three other siblings had waited for their relocation back home for a long long time, fantasizing their house, rooms and all the treasures they would discover.
The first few weeks of euphoria passed by without a hitch and she knew by now her way around the neighborhood. So the next time she had to run some errands like buy fresh bread or milk, K found it natural to jump on her bicycle and pedal away to her destination. The weather was hot and humid so she went out with her usual cropped jeans shorts, sloppy T-shirt and sneakers, not realizing she had just created a scandal.
“Wow hold your horses!” you’re saying, what are you talking about? Where is the scandal ? A teenager, on a bicycle, you are a raving lunatic.
And I tell you no, not yet. This scenario effectively took place in one of the Tripoli posh residential areas in the early 80s. Around that time a wave of conservatism had started to blanket the country and the hippy years and wild 70s were fading away.
K was unaware how attractive she looked with those gorgeous slim, long and shiny white legs. The lighter your skin tone the more attractive you are here. She was oblivious to the wolf whistles and remarks because in her innocence she did not associate this with her presence. She did not think she was doing something ‘taboo’ all of a sudden especially that many people from her parents’ generation were attired in all sorts of ‘revealing’ clothing.
After a few trips like this, her grandmother took her aside and told her “K, sweetie you have to stop wearing those shorts outside the garden”, “but why grandma’?”. I assume the grandmother herself was embarrassed to tell this girl the reason, she did not herself think it was particularly wrong but her neighbours were complaining and she could not let her granddaughter ruin her ‘reputation’ unwittingly. Caving in was easier, plus not everybody was fashionably westernized/ trendy, and when in Rome you better do as the Romans do, ain’t that right? The men were oggling her baby as a walking vagina and she was ashamed to tell her this.
The constitution guaranteed her freedom to wear what she wants, Islamism was not on the rise just yet, it was simply the mentality of the majority. A ‘decent’ girl would not do this, especially if she was better endowed then her peers and stopped looking like a child.
So the grandma’ told her that it was 3ayb in Libya to do this, that Libya was not Europe. That was the last day K rode a bicycle.
When I heard this story, I could not help feeling sorry for K, yet sympathizing with her grandma’s dilemma. She was not going to reform the mentality of her society, nor the hypocrisy of women who had worn miniskirts in their heyday and now were lecturing a kid playing with shorts. It was illogical. Yet that is what happened.
You are welcome to discuss the relative merit of who is right or who is wrong and how it could have been handled differently, but let me tell you; twenty years ago a teenage girl may get away with such and act, but in this day and age she would not have even dared do this.
A colleague of mine was telling me today how his daughter asked for a bicycle on her birthday. R is 19, she wanted it to go to university instead of getting stuck in the traffic jams and at the same time it would be good cardiovascular exercise. He did not refuse but told her that he would have to get into a dozen fights everyday with perfect strangers because of how they would treat R on her way to college. So she agreed to use the bicycle on their property and in the compounds specially designed for foreign workers. Is that not pathetic ? I get angry when a society concentrates on trivialities and leaves the bigger issues unattended. Who cares what you drive, or how much flesh you show?
It seems the objection was more for the shorts than the bicycle or is it the other way around?
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
The Dowry - 2
Before we start this is a disclaimer: all stories posted are true but slightly novelized after translation from Arabic for your consumption, they do not necessarily reflect my opinions.
Last time we left A. languishing at home with her child after her divorce, she had lost her self -respect, was hurt by M.’s betrayal of their love and her sacrifice.
So what happened after he married someone else ?
Four years later he started asking to visit his son, isn’t that a bit weird you are wondering? Well it is, but what is the secret behind this change of heart ? The reason is that his new wife DID NOT get pregnant; in Libya after the honeymoon is over you start worrying if there is no baby on the way , so imagine the state of affairs after four years ? He had also probably matured along the way. To cut a story short he divorced his second barren wife and his visits to his son begun to grow longer and longer. He recalled the old flame and his heart warmed up? I mean here was a beautiful woman whom he ‘discovers’ he still loved, they had a son why not just reunite the family?
So he repented and proposed again. Yeah men can really have their cake and eat it right ? Because for any divorced woman marriage is a second chance such is the society that it is better not to be divorced (that has got nothing to do with Islam). A. wanted to return to him because she still loved him but she has learned a big lesson and the first one is that love is not all.
She let him simmer, and then this time around she had a proper contract with proper dowry after all he was able to get the stuff for his second wife right?
If I was in her place I would never take him back, after all he did dump her for a stupid argument and replaced her with a blink of an eye. But she was not a true rebel, only a girl in love and ‘yidrab il7ub shu bi zil ‘ says the Arab proverb.
And now what are they doing ? well they have four kids. And his second wife remarried and also had children she was not infertile after all. I like to believe that it was just God’s way of teaching M. a lesson in humility. He did have to go and seek her forgiveness no?
Would you have take him back ?
Before we start this is a disclaimer: all stories posted are true but slightly novelized after translation from Arabic for your consumption, they do not necessarily reflect my opinions.
Last time we left A. languishing at home with her child after her divorce, she had lost her self -respect, was hurt by M.’s betrayal of their love and her sacrifice.
So what happened after he married someone else ?
Four years later he started asking to visit his son, isn’t that a bit weird you are wondering? Well it is, but what is the secret behind this change of heart ? The reason is that his new wife DID NOT get pregnant; in Libya after the honeymoon is over you start worrying if there is no baby on the way , so imagine the state of affairs after four years ? He had also probably matured along the way. To cut a story short he divorced his second barren wife and his visits to his son begun to grow longer and longer. He recalled the old flame and his heart warmed up? I mean here was a beautiful woman whom he ‘discovers’ he still loved, they had a son why not just reunite the family?
So he repented and proposed again. Yeah men can really have their cake and eat it right ? Because for any divorced woman marriage is a second chance such is the society that it is better not to be divorced (that has got nothing to do with Islam). A. wanted to return to him because she still loved him but she has learned a big lesson and the first one is that love is not all.
She let him simmer, and then this time around she had a proper contract with proper dowry after all he was able to get the stuff for his second wife right?
If I was in her place I would never take him back, after all he did dump her for a stupid argument and replaced her with a blink of an eye. But she was not a true rebel, only a girl in love and ‘yidrab il7ub shu bi zil ‘ says the Arab proverb.
And now what are they doing ? well they have four kids. And his second wife remarried and also had children she was not infertile after all. I like to believe that it was just God’s way of teaching M. a lesson in humility. He did have to go and seek her forgiveness no?
Would you have take him back ?
Monday, December 26, 2005
Dowry or no dowry that is the question…
Libya is a predominantly Muslim Arab country, so in addition to its own traditions it has acquired many of the cultural aspects of Arab tribes and Islam.
Islam was a pioneer in women’s rights, and among them is the right to chose her own mate and have a marriage contract. Regardless of the variety of customs in Muslim countries, the woman will receive from her husband upon their marriage a ‘mahr’ or dowry.
‘And give unto the women, (whom ye marry) free gift of their marriage portions; but if they of their own accord remit unto you a part thereof, then ye are welcome to absorb it (in your wealth)’ (Quran 4:4, 90).
The marriage contract stipulates a dowry which the man pays to the woman , which could be of any value agreed upon even symbolic. It is a gift an expression of his love and appreciation. It is hers exclusively to use as she wants. Please note the difference from the European dowry which becomes the property of the father or the African ‘bride price’ given to parents to compensate the ‘loss’ of their daughter.
Fourty years ago, a Libyan woman’s dowry was not a specific amount, each man brought presents according to his ability. However, after the oil boom where Libya was catapulted from the poorest country in the world to one of the leading oil exporters, people changed and became greedy, the larger dowry signified higher status suddenly and consequently similarly to the Gulf countries and Saudi Arabia the dowries rocketed and marrying became a marathon track.
You see Arab men, but particularly Muslim men are required to provide for their home. So that means that the Libyan man has to get the house and whatever is in it and pay a dowry and upkeep his wife. I cannot pinpoint exactly the point in time when the dowry turned from negotiable to a fixed list of items which not everyone could afford as it costs a fortune. Sometimes the price of the items on the list would be sufficient to buy a car or even a humble house. In the 80s and 90s things really became overstated, but you could not back off as families were copying each other. If my neighbour has asked for something for example, her cousin would also want the same thing. In the long run this has compounded a marriage problem, men were marrying later as they needed to secure all the items on the list and women as a result were also marrying later.
In a society where you are supposed to be chaste (both men and women) and come to your wedding night a virgin (especially men), I’m sure you are aware that this is a recipe for problems.
Libyan weddings are very costly as they used to last for seven days and you had to feed the guests: slaughtering sheep, cooking for a minimum of 200 people on a daily basis, including your whole extended family and tribespeople. I mean it is a great tradition, but it somehow got shifted along the way, becoming a twentieth century add -on to an amalgam of Islamic, Arab and North African culture.
A problem many Leila’s face now is do they wish to forsake this dowry which has become larger and larger over the decades and establish a home but have no guarantees in life or wait till Qays is capable of providing all these material trappings? (note Qays and Leila are Arab Romeo and Juliette) but then there is also no guarantee, as apart for sexual frustration for years, the lady concerned may seem old and men could be such ‘bastards’ in this regard as to dump their fiancée for a younger woman.
Well one of my friends’ sister had been dating a guy for seven years, the guy was not one to play with her feelings and he officially asked for her hand. Her father who had other plans refused him five times on grounds that he was absolutely unsuitable for her. She was adamant and the guy must be praised for his persistence to be honest he never gave up on her. At the sixth attempt her father accepted seeing that it was better he does as his daughter was refusing other men anyway, and he has no right to force her to marry anyone of his choice – he can suggest but he cannot force if the girl sticks to her guns because the ma’zoun ( marriage civil servant and religious clerck) has to actually hear her say personally that she is marrying freely.
Anyway this girl is absolutely happy and there comes the day where the men from her fiancé’s family are sitting in the guest room with the men from her family discussing marriage arrangements, contract and dowry. A marriage contract in Islam is an excellent ‘weapon’ for the woman she can use it to have all the rights she wants including the one where she has the right to divorce him. This is her chance to make her stand in writing and it must be abided for. That is why I insist that Islam was a pioneer in women’s right 1400 years ago at a time when there was no civil law and nothing to protect the women whether in Europe or in Arabia.
So our heroine and let’s call her A., is madly in love, about to get her wish to be united under one roof with the object of her desires M.and she does not want anything to hamper this felicity. M. is a recent graduate .
A. thus barges into the middle of the conference where about twenty men are sitting, and shouts loudly “please don’t ask anything from M., I don’t want gold or jewelry or anything, no dowry and no conditions in the marriage contract”. Apart from stunning the elders and the men, she has made a grave breach of protocol as she should have made her wishes known to her father prior to this meeting.
In the name of love A. has relinquished her full rights.
Let us not dwell on the opinion of the men in M.’s family about her or on her family’s embarrassment. The wedding took place it was a beautiful affair, and A. gave birth to a son about 9 months later.
Is that the end of the story? You ‘re thinking why is Libyanviolet bothering us with these stupid details?
They say that the ‘intestines in our stomach fight’ ( when your tummy is rumbling), so as in every family there are bound to be misunderstandings and arguments between couples, it is a normal process which is usually treated by communication, talking , negotiating and compromise. So my guess is that one day the arguments got a little bit out of hand and voices were raised and to A.’s dismal and utter shock M. told her “ if you were not cheap your family would not have agreed to marry you without a dowry”.
That sentence was like a slap in the face, a dagger in the heart and went against all the sacrifices she made for this man whom she thought loved her, who did everything he could to marry her, and yet at the first sign of misunderstanding he reverted back to the chauvinistic ways. Insulting her because she had given up her rights for his love and to give him a head start in married life Because she has dared to break social established taboos for his sake, A. was hurt in her womanly pride she could not look at herself in the mirror and packed her belongings, took her kid and went back home. A. was hoping he will realize his mistake and how much he hurt her and come to apologize. But that never happened; he was able to divorce her easily and ‘cheaply’ because she had no conditions in her marriage contract. And he remarried another woman in the home they had built together with their mutual jobs, because she was stupid to believe in the sanctity of love and that his and her money was one and the same thing. It never is, that’s why God in the first place grants the Muslim woman the right not to use any penny from her privately owned money into the marriage pot. Look at how many divorces go ugly here and in the west for material reasons?
Do you want to know what happened next? I’ll leave you a little bit in suspense till the next post.
But I wished to discuss the morale of the story here.
Exaggerated dowries are neither Islamic nor traditional. It’s like the engagement ring that you buy when you wish to propose to your sweetheart, some buy a tiny mounted stone and some buy an egg sized rock while others make do with a plastic wedding band.
So A. did not want her husband to live in debt in order to bring presents as beautiful or as expensive as what was the norm in her environment, and that is her right, but in order to act like a non materialistic modern girl she has also chosen not to set any conditions and no rights. This marriage contracts is both a civil and a religious contract, in Islam they are both. So she has to take him to court if she wants any child alimony or whatever- it is not automatic. She has left herself literally powerless, and she only has herself to blame even in front of her family because she was the one who had defied her culture and got herself into a marriage with no parachute. In our culture she has ‘cheapened’ herself and offended the elders. Although no contract provisions can guarantee love and care, still it can make a person think twice before stabbing you in the back; at least you get out of the marriage with your respect intact because your partner will have to approach the matter with wisdom.
If she wanted to make things easier financially with him, she could have done so in a more intelligent way. There are two parts to a dowry, one is pre-wedding and the other is post- divorce. You can stipulate that your dowry with be ‘so and so’ before the wedding and write that it is not be taken in cash , so basically he does not have to pay it, and then the post- divorce one is the one which is payable upon divorce by the man. That is where the game is played. You can also not ask for all the gold etc… which was fashionable then but maybe only a part of it and write it down; everything can be put in contract or by word of honour in front of witnesses. You can stipulate that you wish to further your education, work, ask to be the only wife or even be an astronaut as long as the man signs it he is legally bound. But you never leave your contract empty because that is a recipe for disaster.
This story has taught me that even if a girl is head over heels in love, her Libyan suitor will have to bring her all that has become the norm in dowries if he can afford it, and also she should include very specific instructions in the marriage contract. In this way even if he loves her he will appreciate her more because he has invested a lot of himself in the relationship and not just emotionally and because we are ‘monkeys’ and copycats he can brag about the presents he brought her.
He does not loose as a man, because if she asks for divorce then she must return the valuables and relinquish her post-divorce settlement dowry while if he divorces her he must let her keep everything as that is her right.
Final word, do not fly in the face of some traditions because these have evolved for a purpose and knowing the mentality of the people; they work in regulating our society.
What would you do ?
Libya is a predominantly Muslim Arab country, so in addition to its own traditions it has acquired many of the cultural aspects of Arab tribes and Islam.
Islam was a pioneer in women’s rights, and among them is the right to chose her own mate and have a marriage contract. Regardless of the variety of customs in Muslim countries, the woman will receive from her husband upon their marriage a ‘mahr’ or dowry.
‘And give unto the women, (whom ye marry) free gift of their marriage portions; but if they of their own accord remit unto you a part thereof, then ye are welcome to absorb it (in your wealth)’ (Quran 4:4, 90).
The marriage contract stipulates a dowry which the man pays to the woman , which could be of any value agreed upon even symbolic. It is a gift an expression of his love and appreciation. It is hers exclusively to use as she wants. Please note the difference from the European dowry which becomes the property of the father or the African ‘bride price’ given to parents to compensate the ‘loss’ of their daughter.
Fourty years ago, a Libyan woman’s dowry was not a specific amount, each man brought presents according to his ability. However, after the oil boom where Libya was catapulted from the poorest country in the world to one of the leading oil exporters, people changed and became greedy, the larger dowry signified higher status suddenly and consequently similarly to the Gulf countries and Saudi Arabia the dowries rocketed and marrying became a marathon track.
You see Arab men, but particularly Muslim men are required to provide for their home. So that means that the Libyan man has to get the house and whatever is in it and pay a dowry and upkeep his wife. I cannot pinpoint exactly the point in time when the dowry turned from negotiable to a fixed list of items which not everyone could afford as it costs a fortune. Sometimes the price of the items on the list would be sufficient to buy a car or even a humble house. In the 80s and 90s things really became overstated, but you could not back off as families were copying each other. If my neighbour has asked for something for example, her cousin would also want the same thing. In the long run this has compounded a marriage problem, men were marrying later as they needed to secure all the items on the list and women as a result were also marrying later.
In a society where you are supposed to be chaste (both men and women) and come to your wedding night a virgin (especially men), I’m sure you are aware that this is a recipe for problems.
Libyan weddings are very costly as they used to last for seven days and you had to feed the guests: slaughtering sheep, cooking for a minimum of 200 people on a daily basis, including your whole extended family and tribespeople. I mean it is a great tradition, but it somehow got shifted along the way, becoming a twentieth century add -on to an amalgam of Islamic, Arab and North African culture.
A problem many Leila’s face now is do they wish to forsake this dowry which has become larger and larger over the decades and establish a home but have no guarantees in life or wait till Qays is capable of providing all these material trappings? (note Qays and Leila are Arab Romeo and Juliette) but then there is also no guarantee, as apart for sexual frustration for years, the lady concerned may seem old and men could be such ‘bastards’ in this regard as to dump their fiancée for a younger woman.
Well one of my friends’ sister had been dating a guy for seven years, the guy was not one to play with her feelings and he officially asked for her hand. Her father who had other plans refused him five times on grounds that he was absolutely unsuitable for her. She was adamant and the guy must be praised for his persistence to be honest he never gave up on her. At the sixth attempt her father accepted seeing that it was better he does as his daughter was refusing other men anyway, and he has no right to force her to marry anyone of his choice – he can suggest but he cannot force if the girl sticks to her guns because the ma’zoun ( marriage civil servant and religious clerck) has to actually hear her say personally that she is marrying freely.
Anyway this girl is absolutely happy and there comes the day where the men from her fiancé’s family are sitting in the guest room with the men from her family discussing marriage arrangements, contract and dowry. A marriage contract in Islam is an excellent ‘weapon’ for the woman she can use it to have all the rights she wants including the one where she has the right to divorce him. This is her chance to make her stand in writing and it must be abided for. That is why I insist that Islam was a pioneer in women’s right 1400 years ago at a time when there was no civil law and nothing to protect the women whether in Europe or in Arabia.
So our heroine and let’s call her A., is madly in love, about to get her wish to be united under one roof with the object of her desires M.and she does not want anything to hamper this felicity. M. is a recent graduate .
A. thus barges into the middle of the conference where about twenty men are sitting, and shouts loudly “please don’t ask anything from M., I don’t want gold or jewelry or anything, no dowry and no conditions in the marriage contract”. Apart from stunning the elders and the men, she has made a grave breach of protocol as she should have made her wishes known to her father prior to this meeting.
In the name of love A. has relinquished her full rights.
Let us not dwell on the opinion of the men in M.’s family about her or on her family’s embarrassment. The wedding took place it was a beautiful affair, and A. gave birth to a son about 9 months later.
Is that the end of the story? You ‘re thinking why is Libyanviolet bothering us with these stupid details?
They say that the ‘intestines in our stomach fight’ ( when your tummy is rumbling), so as in every family there are bound to be misunderstandings and arguments between couples, it is a normal process which is usually treated by communication, talking , negotiating and compromise. So my guess is that one day the arguments got a little bit out of hand and voices were raised and to A.’s dismal and utter shock M. told her “ if you were not cheap your family would not have agreed to marry you without a dowry”.
That sentence was like a slap in the face, a dagger in the heart and went against all the sacrifices she made for this man whom she thought loved her, who did everything he could to marry her, and yet at the first sign of misunderstanding he reverted back to the chauvinistic ways. Insulting her because she had given up her rights for his love and to give him a head start in married life Because she has dared to break social established taboos for his sake, A. was hurt in her womanly pride she could not look at herself in the mirror and packed her belongings, took her kid and went back home. A. was hoping he will realize his mistake and how much he hurt her and come to apologize. But that never happened; he was able to divorce her easily and ‘cheaply’ because she had no conditions in her marriage contract. And he remarried another woman in the home they had built together with their mutual jobs, because she was stupid to believe in the sanctity of love and that his and her money was one and the same thing. It never is, that’s why God in the first place grants the Muslim woman the right not to use any penny from her privately owned money into the marriage pot. Look at how many divorces go ugly here and in the west for material reasons?
Do you want to know what happened next? I’ll leave you a little bit in suspense till the next post.
But I wished to discuss the morale of the story here.
Exaggerated dowries are neither Islamic nor traditional. It’s like the engagement ring that you buy when you wish to propose to your sweetheart, some buy a tiny mounted stone and some buy an egg sized rock while others make do with a plastic wedding band.
So A. did not want her husband to live in debt in order to bring presents as beautiful or as expensive as what was the norm in her environment, and that is her right, but in order to act like a non materialistic modern girl she has also chosen not to set any conditions and no rights. This marriage contracts is both a civil and a religious contract, in Islam they are both. So she has to take him to court if she wants any child alimony or whatever- it is not automatic. She has left herself literally powerless, and she only has herself to blame even in front of her family because she was the one who had defied her culture and got herself into a marriage with no parachute. In our culture she has ‘cheapened’ herself and offended the elders. Although no contract provisions can guarantee love and care, still it can make a person think twice before stabbing you in the back; at least you get out of the marriage with your respect intact because your partner will have to approach the matter with wisdom.
If she wanted to make things easier financially with him, she could have done so in a more intelligent way. There are two parts to a dowry, one is pre-wedding and the other is post- divorce. You can stipulate that your dowry with be ‘so and so’ before the wedding and write that it is not be taken in cash , so basically he does not have to pay it, and then the post- divorce one is the one which is payable upon divorce by the man. That is where the game is played. You can also not ask for all the gold etc… which was fashionable then but maybe only a part of it and write it down; everything can be put in contract or by word of honour in front of witnesses. You can stipulate that you wish to further your education, work, ask to be the only wife or even be an astronaut as long as the man signs it he is legally bound. But you never leave your contract empty because that is a recipe for disaster.
This story has taught me that even if a girl is head over heels in love, her Libyan suitor will have to bring her all that has become the norm in dowries if he can afford it, and also she should include very specific instructions in the marriage contract. In this way even if he loves her he will appreciate her more because he has invested a lot of himself in the relationship and not just emotionally and because we are ‘monkeys’ and copycats he can brag about the presents he brought her.
He does not loose as a man, because if she asks for divorce then she must return the valuables and relinquish her post-divorce settlement dowry while if he divorces her he must let her keep everything as that is her right.
Final word, do not fly in the face of some traditions because these have evolved for a purpose and knowing the mentality of the people; they work in regulating our society.
What would you do ?
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Off blog themes and controversy
The recurrent themes on this blog would not only be Pearl’s progress but also Libyan women. The Libyan woman is a mysterious entity. How does the Libyan woman cope under the forces of globalization, the encroachment of western values on Libyan culture , the conservative society she hails from, the secular mode of government she is under and the complete freedom it grants her, and how does she reconcile all that with her Islamic heritage?
The Libyan woman is sometimes a mass of contradictions. This is not going to be a policy essay. There are enough political blogs out there so I would not want to bore any prospective readers with the same theories.
What I would like to brainstorm and recount is how is the Libyan woman balancing between the East and the West, her dreams and aspirations as a female and her body and soul, because to alter (plagiarize ahem) Farooha’s words in response to this question
“G) Why do you like talking about matters known to be taboo to the female Saudi lot, like relationships with the other gender, and sex?
Because, I am human! I may be a virgin, but heck I got a libido.”
Bravo Farooha, I will say the Libyan women may have to be chaste but they do have a libido …
If you want to share your story of whatever nature – even gossip at work- dear Libyan ( others are welcome as well) I’m prepared to post it and be discreet about its owner , it would only be for the edification of our readers, plus a problem shared is a problem halved. The readers could comment and suggest advice perhaps. I can see it becoming a successful ‘aunt agony’or 'dear Abby' online. Plus it would titillate our senses as we all have a little voyeuristic side to our personality.
So let the letters come in, alternatively my email is libyan.violet@gmail.com
Pearl
When I used to complain about excessive smothering, mother would tell me that once you become a mum yourself my dear you will know what I’m talking about. In my eyes no matter how old, wise and mature you become, you will always be that mass of crying flesh I held in my arms. I have to admit it , she is right! After Pearl was born, my life has turned topsy -turvey. Where once I was careless, now I had to take care of myself because someone depended on me. Someone absolutely helpless.
Just the thought that I might prematurely die and leave her unattended is enough to break my heart and keep me awake all night. I think I might have become too protective and must restrain myself for Pear’s sake.
Pearl is my baby daughter and she is the apple of my eye because I have waited for her for so long. If birth is miracles, then Pearl is a double miracle. She still does not know what I had to endure to bring her into this world, and I’m not just talking about the caesarian. The whole household had to make sacrifices and especially her grandmother. But I think that even at this tender age of 3 she has turned out to be worth every drop of blood and every tear of frustration. Darling Pearl I hope you will read this one day and laugh at your foolish mother.
I have grand plans for Pearl and I hope and pray that God’s plans for her are always full of brightness . She already knows the alphabet and can count to 10.
It is magical to listen and see her assimilate and learn new words every day. Never for one moment did it cross my mind that kids could be such fun. They need your fulltime attention and energy. I admire the women who raise several kids; my God they deserve medals of honour. One child is enough work to last a lifetime.
Of all the toys she has Pear loves my old battered teddy bear. I’m glad it is still useful and loved.
Pearl , baby you are beautiful and my little sunshine.
Love , your mum.
When I used to complain about excessive smothering, mother would tell me that once you become a mum yourself my dear you will know what I’m talking about. In my eyes no matter how old, wise and mature you become, you will always be that mass of crying flesh I held in my arms. I have to admit it , she is right! After Pearl was born, my life has turned topsy -turvey. Where once I was careless, now I had to take care of myself because someone depended on me. Someone absolutely helpless.
Just the thought that I might prematurely die and leave her unattended is enough to break my heart and keep me awake all night. I think I might have become too protective and must restrain myself for Pear’s sake.
Pearl is my baby daughter and she is the apple of my eye because I have waited for her for so long. If birth is miracles, then Pearl is a double miracle. She still does not know what I had to endure to bring her into this world, and I’m not just talking about the caesarian. The whole household had to make sacrifices and especially her grandmother. But I think that even at this tender age of 3 she has turned out to be worth every drop of blood and every tear of frustration. Darling Pearl I hope you will read this one day and laugh at your foolish mother.
I have grand plans for Pearl and I hope and pray that God’s plans for her are always full of brightness . She already knows the alphabet and can count to 10.
It is magical to listen and see her assimilate and learn new words every day. Never for one moment did it cross my mind that kids could be such fun. They need your fulltime attention and energy. I admire the women who raise several kids; my God they deserve medals of honour. One child is enough work to last a lifetime.
Of all the toys she has Pear loves my old battered teddy bear. I’m glad it is still useful and loved.
Pearl , baby you are beautiful and my little sunshine.
Love , your mum.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Butterflies in my stomach
First post . What do you write? what shall I write ? why do I want to write. Maybe an introduction would be useful ? Technically I already have a first post here .Comment section works fine too in case anyone is interested please click on the 'post a comment' icon to read and post.
Ok I'm putting off the big moment huh ? So I'm a single mum in Libya , what does that mean ? only two options (1) either my husband is dead or (2) I'm divorced. Briefly he's not around so choose your own reply. I have beautiful daughter and she's the Pearl of my life. Let's call her P. since I will be refferrring to her often.
I have a mixed background, hence the multiracial, yes you guessed right I've lived for a quite a long time in foreign lands which makes me multicultural and ever so tolerant of human nature.
How did I end here ? It had to happen sooner or later don't ya think? I obviously am partially computer litterate ..the rest is history.
This blog is the diary of my adventures in Libya, you'll see everything from my eyes so expect it to be totally biased information, which does not mean I will spill my guts. But hey it will be first hand. No I won't post pictures of my kid or myself but probably some other stuff. If you stick around I promise the occasional laughs and tears and all the melodrama. Please be courteous and respect my sanctuary.
This diary will move like a stream, forward, backward and sideways. You will have to find where the dream ends and life starts.
I'll edit this post if need be.
First post . What do you write? what shall I write ? why do I want to write. Maybe an introduction would be useful ? Technically I already have a first post here .Comment section works fine too in case anyone is interested please click on the 'post a comment' icon to read and post.
Ok I'm putting off the big moment huh ? So I'm a single mum in Libya , what does that mean ? only two options (1) either my husband is dead or (2) I'm divorced. Briefly he's not around so choose your own reply. I have beautiful daughter and she's the Pearl of my life. Let's call her P. since I will be refferrring to her often.
I have a mixed background, hence the multiracial, yes you guessed right I've lived for a quite a long time in foreign lands which makes me multicultural and ever so tolerant of human nature.
How did I end here ? It had to happen sooner or later don't ya think? I obviously am partially computer litterate ..the rest is history.
This blog is the diary of my adventures in Libya, you'll see everything from my eyes so expect it to be totally biased information, which does not mean I will spill my guts. But hey it will be first hand. No I won't post pictures of my kid or myself but probably some other stuff. If you stick around I promise the occasional laughs and tears and all the melodrama. Please be courteous and respect my sanctuary.
This diary will move like a stream, forward, backward and sideways. You will have to find where the dream ends and life starts.
I'll edit this post if need be.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Libyan Violet
This photo from Caz who designs templates represents a goddess by the moon I shall use it on my blog from today if he does not mind.
This photo from Caz who designs templates represents a goddess by the moon I shall use it on my blog from today if he does not mind.
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