Sunday, June 11, 2006

Figuring out a guy

I’m always fascinated by how we ladies view female-male relationship. Personally it seems that I never stop analyzing men’s action with my best friends. We would actually relish setting up a date to meet over tea and sweets and seriously sit down and discuss and psychoanalyze the relative merits of our current crush/love/boyfriend/husband whatever…..We wanted to decipher what kind of messages the guys were giving us, based on which we could decide on the next move. If you thought it is difficult to understand a western man’s motives and actions try doing that for a Libyan guy with all his controversies and frustration. Good luck with that ! I’m sure you will give up from day one and think like the Tunisian proverb ‘t7ib tifham iddhukh’ .

However, I’ve been reading the following book ‘he’s just not into you’ and I realized that barring a few cultural details there is not much difference about the messages men give women whether in the West or in Libya ( or Arab world – we need input from other Arab readers as well not just Libyans).

Editorial review

For ages women have come together over coffee, cocktails, or late-night phone
chats to analyze the puzzling behavior of men. Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
are here to say that -- despite good intentions -- you're wasting your time. Men
are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are
no mixed messages.
The truth may be, He's just not that into you.
Just Not That Into You -- based on a popular episode of Sex and the City --
educates otherwise smart women on how to tell when a guy just doesn't like them
enough, so they can stop wasting time making excuses for a dead-end
relationship. This book knows you're a beautiful, smart, funny woman who
deserves better

After finishing the reading this is the moneyshot :( italics are my commentary)

(1)He is just not that into you if he is not asking you out:

he makes an excuse then take it as polite rejection
-Don’t ask him
out because
just because you like to lead doesn’t mean he likes
to dance
-If he wants to find you , he will.
-Men don’t forget how much
they like you. So put down the phone .

(2) He’s just not that into
you if he’s not calling you (men know how to use the phone - even if they
say they are busy ).

-So if he’s not calling you, it’s because
you are not on his mind
. And if he tells you ‘call me’ , then he really
does not care about you.

-Don’t be with someone who does not do
what they say they’re going to do.
-Busy is another word for" asshole".
"Asshole" is another word for the guy you are dating.
-You deserve a f***ing
phone call.

(3) if you don’t know where the relationship is going
, it’s okay to pull over and ask.
(4) when men like you they want to touch
you always.
(5) he’s just not that into you if he’s having sex with someone
-Cheating is cheating
(6) he’s just not that into you if he
does not want to marry you – love cures commitment phobia.
-Doesn’t want t
get married is different then does not want to get married to me. So beware
of the difference maybe it is time to take an inventory
(7) I don’t
want to go out with you, means just that. A break up is a definitive action, not
a democratic one ( I love this ). So cut him off and don’t take him
back no matter what excuses he musters.
(8) He’s just not into you if
he’s disappeared on you; sometimes you have to get closure all by
yourself=> there is no mixed message here.
I like this
particular one and all its subheadings :)

-He might be lying
in hospital with amnesia, but more likely he’s just not that into you.
answer is your answer
-Don’t give him the chance to reject you
-There is no mystery – he’s gone and he was not good enough for you. ( I’m sure many of us have agonized over this one ) .
(9) He’s just
not that into you if he’s married ( and other insane variations on being
available) ; i.e. if you’re not able to love freely, then it’s not really
love .

Hmm after reading this it does shed light on Fozia’s
dilemma here
. I’m sending her an email to explain this attitude
now. Fozia my dear the man was just stringing you along and had no intention
whatsoever. He only met you to satisfy his curiosity and no he did not feel less
of you because you had phone sex. Hope you get your closure. The guy is a jerk
and is using his son to gather sympathy! He’s a loser and you are much better
than him.

(10) he’s just not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, a bully
, or really a big freak ; if you really love someone you want to do things to
make them happy.

So ladies stop trying to figure out someone, and reset your standards

And these are the standard suggestions according to the authors :

I will not go out with a man who has not asked me
out first
I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone
I will not date a man who is not sure he wants to date me
I will not date
a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable.
I will not date a man who
drinks and does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable
( well I would not date him
period )
I will not be with a man who’s afraid to talk about our
I will not under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man
who has already rejected me
I will not date a man who is married
I will
not date a man who is not clearly a good, kind loving

I’m sure we can provide plenty or personal examples of all the above mistakes , as some of us seem to me masochists and attracted only to those guys with whom the relationship is a dead end. Maybe you can email me or post your ‘mistakes’ and share them with us ?

I would be glad to put them online for you. After finishing this book, I realized that deep down inside my friends and I did ‘figure out’ those men -who where emotionally unavailable to us -correctly. However if we had not dropped them immediately it was through fear of loneliness, not finding a suitable partner, pride or just plain not admitting that we could have been wrong about someone, and ended up wasting so much time with a loser. Seeing it written in black and white is so much better, that's why I'm sharing it with you all and I'm heading immediately to tell my friends about. I am definitely keeping this book for Pearl, just in case I grow to old and forget about these things later on when she starts falling in love.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Courting in Libya: Part III

This will be the final installment for my attemtped 'essays' on dating in Libya. It is continued from this piece here . Because i've brought it up to date thepost is not as long as the previous ones as this is an ongoing development. Readers can add to these observations if they want.

Enough babbling go on and enjoy now :)

By the late 90s the girls became quite bolder, they are dating more than one guy at once and whoever asks them for marriage their will dump the others- that’s very callous and I’m really disgusted. With all due respect to the good conservative respectful girls this is what used to happen. Sometime this is the impression I got, it’s better than watching a TV show.

Basically they are doing everything a Western girl is doing but pretending not to. No one fears going out in a guy’s car, to his flat, to picnics, beaches, hotel rooms, and forests whatever. If it will make him marry you , you do it ! This is the decade where prostitution of Libyan young women has begun to be palpable . It was no longer the Moroccan guest workers (no offense to anyone – but that was our reality here), oh no, they learned from them and were competing now.

Of course there are the romantic and sweet and still well behaved men and women, but unfortunately they have in my opinion been outstripped by a vulgar bunch. The taxis became the pimps and means of transport, the cellphones gave freedom of communication and chatrooms and paltalk ( no idea why Libyans like it so much) etc multiplied.
How did you bump into a guy? Well he could be your colleague, classmate, friend’s friend, friend’s brother just like anywhere else in the world. But the frenzy to get married was always palpable.

My theory : it is because then you can be in a couple legally and have your independence from family as well. I don’t know why I’m cynical about it, it just does not seem that it was done to found a family;although I know ultimately a woman’s dream is that. I felt there was too much cunning involved on both sides.

Well the girls still have to plot and find excuses to meet with their boyfriends, and there are all sorts of fun stories and things taking place. But it just looks like the innocence was lost somewhere along the way with the encroachment of materialism and globalization or maybe I’ve simply grown too old finally to understand them.