The haunting

She spent ten tumultuous years getting over a teenage love, and the next decade getting over her first and what turned out to be only love.

She had buried this fact deep into her soul and so never realized that all she was doing was trying to forget him.

One day like Snow White a kiss by a prince woke her up from the self induced coma. Yet despite the prince's sincere intentions - and those are what counts in fairy tales to perform miracles - he could never be her Prince . Because only the true Prince knew how to kiss her lips till they were bruised with engorged blood and until the ground would disappear from underneath. Only her Prince had the strength to carry her for miles in his arms and only he could rise out of the sea looking like the statue of Adonis come to live ... When she awoke and the last strands of the fog blew away all the bad memories had faded and the good times came to life even more vividly and it suddenly struck her that in all the years she assumed she was unlucky with men she was in truth setting herself up for failure by trying to find him again in another man's eyes when there was and never will be any man like her Man, Prince and King of her soul...

If you found and lost your soulmate once would you have the chance to get him back again ?

The pain seared through her heart and shot through her brain when it dawned on her that she was looking now at a dark precipice - a lifetime needed to get over that loss again. Like the tide and the waves and the song she loved so much the pain webbed and flowed.

Ten years to find out he was always "THE ONE" and to finally admit it so simply how could this happen? Ironically it took him ten years to bridge the gap and grow into the person she knew and predicted he was destined to be, but she was so old now and there was hardly any time left, and he was married...

“love is different than marriage, my love ! Love is forever and ONLY YOU have and will always have my love” - he whispered but she wanted his love and his flesh.

If she were not Muslim she would at least have the solace to believe in reincarnation and another chance....why was life playing such games with her ?

In a flash 30 years would have passed and her life would have gone by without a moment of peace or happiness.... is there a silver lining ? he mentioned wanting to sire a child? Would she accept a polygamous marriage? the prospect of dying without consuming their love was a black hole and she would accept such a marriage to him...

To have the next ten years with him would be perfect but did she have ten years to live still? Only God knew the answer !

Note and question to readers: this is part of my upcoming novel - very first draft so lots of editing , can you help me choose a name for the heroine? the only condition is that it hails from the Middle East or North Africa!

Letting go: The (still) married lover


You are always advised not to get involved with a married man no matter how much you are or think you are in love, especially if he has children….

When they met, he was separated. Separated for us in the Arab world means divorced; in the West it means that the couple is for the time being not living together and at the same time not legally divorced. When they fell in love, he was on the verge of divorcing then something happened. Her love brought him the stability and friendship he sought and he reconsidered his separation status. His wife suddenly decided to move back with him to another continent and a hostile environment because at her age it was better than starting over with two kids and she was still getting her way.

When they met the first time in Europe, he said "I love you, but I cannot make any promises until my life is back in order, as I have two little children to take care of"

When they met the second time in Asia, he said "Wife has moved to my country and it is a joy to watch my kids thrive again and feel stable. I no longer fight with her, and though the sex is clinical, my work keeps me going and my joy at protecting the children. I'm looking into figuring out a solution that will not put their future at risk but although I'd love to have you for me, please don't wait if you have a chance"

When they met the third time in Europe again it was for one day only and there was barely time to stock on love to keep one going …

When they met the fourth time it was between airports because he has cancelled their meeting for family obligations and when she saw him she noticed immediately how old he had grown… Was this the same man she loved ? she looked beyond the white hair and the large paunch at the kind turquoise eyes. He still was very fit wit well defined muscles, still tall and well built, but he definitely was older. " 50 years old!" she caught herself thinking, Would she want to be with him now that his best years have been with another woman?
He was sorry that it was all he could manage and he promised to dedicate a special time for them to meet again and discuss the future but again he said " I'm still trying to figure away that would not harm my children!"

From the time of their first meeting she told herself that if she encountered a man with whom she felt she would be happy she would not wait for the turquoise eyes to alight on her again. She dated a number of men, all interesting and all successful but they never ticked all the right boxes. And she went on basking in that halo of love that's been bridging 10 years of longing. Ten interminable years of yearning to live together yet knowing somewhere deep inside that it was not going to happen.

The day she held her own child in her arms she finally understood ….She understood that he was not going to leave his kids at least until they were over 18 and provided for. Yes he was frail and human and he fell in love with another woman who was not his wife. She had caught him during the male menopause years and he had outgrown that and calmed down and resigned to making a life for his kids. Plus being 50 meant he would soon be less passionate romance/sex and just content because he still had access to his wife's bed and what does a man want but somewhere to put his weary body? She had learned that the hard way from a younger man who professed eternal love but could not keep his promise. He said at the end of the day, we men just want somewhere to rest …love .. romance etc.. that's just lies..

Cradling her child she knew it was not going to happen and when he phoned her to talk about setting up that meeting, her mouth said "sure that would be great my love", but her heart and head said in unison " why waste a perfectly good holiday for something that will never see the light – you should be concentrating your energy on the one who is available, has no baggage – you live forever".

We hold to each other and think that time stops, but we grow and mature and understand that even in Love there is no black and white. You did not want to live with the guy without marriage and he was not ready to dispose of his old life to marry you.
You can go on loving fiercely but you can have a beautiful, successful and fulfilled life with a partner whom you may not love passionately at first but whom you are sure that he will grow old with you and your child. So you look with tenderness at that snapshot taken 10 years ago during the first candle lit dinner with your lover. The beautiful skin, flushed and rosy with love, the bright sparkling eyes, the way his arm is wrapped possessively around your waist, the way your head is tilted towards his chest and you wish that couple good luck in the next life.

Don't ever fall in love with a married man no matter how unhappy he says he is because he will never leave on his own unless you are prepared to fight for him and break his marriage. NOT all women are ready to do that !

There is no bitterness because he was a gentleman and a best friend and most of all he never made promises. Having reached this stage you know you are ready to let go in peace.

The inner sanctuary

It was difficult the first day, you want to reach out then you hold back, one hour, two hours , 24 hrs. Your milestone is 48hrs, the longing subsides and it becomes less painful to think about it...that's when you agree that friendships too need breathing space to thrive.

Then one day you wake up and you find total peace... that is the final inner sanctuary!

The White Tigress and The Dragon's Tail

Reading Ian Kerner's Passionista, "or the empowered woman's guide to enjoying sex to the fullest—and ensuring that he does the same", I collected some cute tips. Whilst a lot of the information provided is not new :) , the method of presentation was fun and extremely user friendly. The conclusion is that the orgasm is not as important as the journey towards it. That journey is defined by each one of us. The successful woman is the one who overcomes her man's inhibitions and tendency to take shortcuts.

But the most interesting bit I was introduced to was the concept of the White Tigress. These are allegedly the teachings of a long extinct secret society of Taoist sexual warriors. I confess I don't know what that means -a sexual warrior-, is that a spy or a gangster group of old times?

For the White Tigress , Eros basically maintains eternal youth and life energy. She could get it in two ways, both involving a male consort

(1) the one she seduces: the Green Dragon ( in modern words her playtoy :P)
(2) an equal partner: the Jade Dragon ( whom she pleasures and derives pleasure from)

The way of the White Tigress reminds me of the Kama Sutra, Tantric Love and other related topics with a mix of martial arts.

Googling White Tigress throws up some gems and some hometruths:

"

The Feminine Heart flourishes in love. Yet attracting trustworthy male energy, attracting friends, or lovers who have a strong sense of direction and purpose may seem difficult to find these days. Many women have spent years developing their own individuality and strength to the point where they have become tired of “doing it all”. Their own natural Feminine Heart has become masculinized, guarded and unsatisfied in love. For a woman to know deeper levels of intimacy, she needs to understand, reclaim and learn how to be at home in the beauty and power of her natural feminine essence." Amara [source].

How many women identify with the above? I'm curious for your input..

Applied in the modern world, the principle if I understand well is for a woman to take her life in her own hands like a White Tigress not to wait for things to happen to be fulfilled.
A modern passionista will 'learn to find the Green Dragon and the Jade Dragon in the same guy' [page 105].

A question for my male readers which type of dragon are you? As for my female readers have you found that dragon ? or is he a legendary being :P

Love and midlife crisis ....illusion or truth?

She could not pinpoint the exact time when she started thinking that maybe love between a man and a woman does not exist.

Maybe it is a firmament of our imagination? or maybe she had lost the capacity to love? It all felt numb in the heart area or wherever that part was that made her feel warm and tingly and hopeful about life.

Love felt like something distant, a legend, something that was constantly ahead of her. It's as if she was running after a mirage and each time she thought she held it, the image would melt between her fingers.
Was this what they called midlife crisis or was she experiencing some form of early menopause?

It was tragic because she was incapable of discerning a man's love anymore. She was not talking about the physical longings, but about feelings and emotions. There was a void and a hollowness and as a result she felt trapped in a sound proof transparent room. She could see him but she couldnt hear him...

Never met a lady like you

Sometime last August the phone rang, I expected it to be him because his birthday was coming up and he usually always calls me around that time. It was A as I expected but he was calling because his grandmother passed away and he wanted to share this with me.

I knew Mammy Eve very well, she had come to our house to ask for my hand for her grandson. She was a strong personality and her household ran like clockwork until she fell ill.
It was sad that Mammy Eve died that was one more link to the past that has been severed. There is a photo of me sitting next to her at A's cousin's wedding and we all look so happy...

I knew how much she meant to A - I mean she brought him up. He was asking should he travel home even though she was already buried? and I told him no- there is no need, stay with your wife and children. He then wished me a Ramadan Mbarak and hung up.

During Eid the phone rang again and I knew it was A this time; only he calls at these weird hours, so getting a call at 3.00 AM my time meant it was him in America. I hung up on him as I did not know what to say at 3 in the morning...tonight he calls again at 1.00 AM and I decide to answer.

He: Eid Mubarak Violet
Me: kol am we enta bikheir A.
He: I know it's late, I'm sorry but you are always on my mind and I wanted to wish you a happy Eid. Let me speak English a bit with you my dear. I miss you very much, do you even miss me at all ?
Me: hmm sorry A this is embarassing and we've been through this before, hope your kids and family are all well.
He: don't get me wrong please- I'm not talking about the flesh, I miss your sweet soul, I have never seen a lady like you in my whole life even though I have met many women after you left me..including my wife.. you are just different. There is this sweetness that I cannot describe and the voice I can never forget. Please allow me to remain near you at least in thought. Do you ever regret breaking up? What would have happened if you married me ?
Me: No regrets I said hesitantly because if I married you, you would not be where you are now and I would not have achieved what I have now.
He: I would give that up gladly to be with you again. I have grown more and I would like to have you in my life to be my mentor if nothing else will you be that please? I need you ...
Me: sure as long as I live if you need help I will help you but now I really need to hang up it's getting late..
He: I love you Violet, always did, always will.. the time is not erasing it like you promised it would. Wife, children, hectic life beat in the West, studies and responsibilities are not deleting a single sound bite from the track in my mind ... Please know that in me you have a trustworthy person if you ever felt like talking about anything that worries or bothers you just let me know...
Me: Ok good night A.

It's actually very weird that he phoned, as I've been finding myself extremely emotional lately, wanting to talk but not sure who to talk with anymore. Female best friends were too busy with their own lives and anyway they are probably not too interested to talk to their single friend Violet. Probably afraid I will jinx their happy family or something.

I can't expect him to be available all the time either as he already does so much for me so no need to drag him back when he needs to move on with his life especially that my stories are not earth shattering but just ordinary blues resulting from love deprivation. But I've been feeling melancholic lately and I did recall A and allow myself to think "what if"? would life have been different ? Should I have been more patient? He did love me sincerely that was sure . He also did not care about my age and even now 10 years and a kid later he still thinks I'm the prettiest Libyan girl. Love must be blind.

While on the topic of phone calls, he too called me the day before but at a more decent hour of course. Just wanted to wish me Eid Mubarak.

Life is really ironic, everyone remembered all the special occasions and got in touch except for one person. Maybe he does not see me as the unique lady described by the others :P - mind you I am aware that the others do have a life of their own ....

Hey if this post does not make sense and you feel it is mixing up too many unrelated stories, don't blame me ! Blame Bollywood, I have been overdosing on Zee Aflam movies for the last couple of months to the extent that I'm back thinking that true love, soul mates, sacrifice etc.. actually exist...and that people will burst instantly into singing. Piyar Piyar, tumhare muhabbat ke he ...Damnit I caught myself talking in Hindi/Urdu now too .... :))

Did not feel the time pass

Yesterday as I was driving back home in the late afternoon, a white SUV started following me. Its driver was trying his best to get my attention and as I usual in such recurrent situation with male drivers/stalkers I totally ignored him.

This time the guy was persistent and he kept trying to get on my left and right side, and opened the window. Curiosity was eating at me to be honest and I wanted to steal a glimpse -against my principles. So next time he managed to wedge his car between mine and the one on my right, I looked at his profile for a fraction of a second with the side of my eye. Not sure how I managed this Olympic feat, but I felt the shadow I had seen was somewhat familiar. I thought it could be the brother of one of my childhood friends or even one of our neighbors who somehow needed me for something urgent.

Then as his insistence to stop me did not waiver I looked again boldly this time and he smiled from ear to ear and waved cheekily. Still my brain which never forgets a face was trying to process this information while I was focusing on the road. When from a distant and hazy past I recalled that someone looking like him could have been my work colleague and friend at my first job back in 1989. "Was it possible?" I asked myself, the label for his name is totally eradicated from my mind but his face was 100% him. As I realized who he was I touched the automatic button to roll down my window and turned to him. That's when he told me "so you finally remembered me Violet?"." Oh my God I said it is you , but your hair is so white .." .

We stopped our respective cars on the side of the road and he stepped down to come and speak to me. "I'm sorry" I said extending my hand to him in greeting, I don't stop or look at men when they follow me. " I realized" he said "but there was no way to get your attention and I was going to follow you home, I have not seen you for over ten years now and so I was not going to let this coincidence go. So how have you been? I can't believe it girl you have fleshed out and become so beautiful, you haven’t changed a bit.". I laughed and thanked him "is that your way of saying diplomatically that I gained weight and that I'm fat?" "Oh no ", if it’s possible I think you are prettier then when I first met you, this suits you better..."

Anyway I looked at him and noticed the lines and the full mane of grey hair yet he was only 6 years younger than me and I wondered is that how I look to my contemporaries now, old? The way I am seeing him? He does not seem to think so…

I asked him how he was doing because last time I ran into him in the Souq El Moushir in 2001, I was shopping for my brother's wedding and he was with his mother and aunt shopping for gold gifts for his bride to be. He said that he had taken my advice, gone back to university, completed a degree and then went into the private business and is now doing very well and has traveled the world. He feels older and wiser and his only regret was marrying before finishing these things because now he realized that his relationship is simply going on because of the three children he had since. I told him not to regret marriage as he had done the right thing, he has family and someone to continue his bloodline and that I was happy he did listen to me and gone on to study. The way to success was to have your degree in your pocket and then you could venture in the world and do anything you want even if unrelated to your line of study because you were armed with knowledge and methodology and those are skills not easy to obtain unless you are perseverant.

I was slightly embarrassed, I mean the guy already a few minutes into the conversation and he unashamedly admits that he finds me attractive. I know he always had a soft spot for me. Since the day he was my 'confidante', back in the days when I was naïve and thought nothing of sharing with a Libyan man my love for and disappointment with another man. He was there when my first love broke my heart and the only person I found to turn to for comfort was him. I stood up from my desk that day and went to him and said "could you please just hug me for two minutes? I don't think I can bear the pain otherwise". I still remember vividly how he got up, wrapped his arms around me, put my head on his chest and stroked my hair and whispered that it was going to be all right. It was brief not even two minutes but I felt him trembling and I felt him being aroused. That was when I realized that his friendship has over the months turned into attraction (I don't know about love). Anyway I am grateful for his hug because it was the right thing to do at the right time even if he must have thought I had broken all conventions and cultural taboos. His hug helped me push down the pain that my first love had inflicted on me with his total insensitivity and which I am still struggling to get over with.

So now he was standing in front of me 20 years after that hug and I am sure he was remembering it as well. I was not sure though what he was thinking, because for me it had no sexual connotations apart from the same reassurance that I could get from a female friend and which I did not have at that time, but he did express his wish to meet up for a cup of coffee.

At some level it does feel flattering to be remembered and recognized at first glance name and all and also to know that you are still attractive physically and don't look one bit my 40+.

Love is hard: epilogue and new beginning

I think you've all been patient enough so let's get on with this story (for newcomers you have to read part I first) .

They met online in the 90s and for years kept in touch on a daily basis by all the modern means available. They loved each other without saying it, they laughed together and maintained a beautiful relationship across the seas, the miles and the time zones. There was some kind of unwritten agreement that they won't ask for each others personal information including photos until they met in real life. It was mostly from her side she wanted to see whether he would like her for her personality or other attributes. She wanted to know whether love is for the soul or for more worldly matters. She thought he was very mature for his age.They invested in their love until they met physically. They supported each other, he was a Libyan guy fil ghurba and she was a Libyan girl feeling a kind of ghurba in her own country.

She would think every night before going to sleep. "Thank you God for showing me this wonderful human specimen!". It felt great to talk to him in Arabic, in our Libyan patois and at the same time switch to English and know he will understand. It felt good knowing he shared her interests and they got along so well as friends because it did start as a friendship. She loved his accent and even more when he would lapse into the thicker one.

Then he came back home for a visit and the phone was practically glued to their ears. "The phone company should give us a discount they would joke." Whatever information they had kept from each other was revealed and among that her age. – She felt or maybe imagined that love was consolidated even more, but was it really? Little did she know that dark forces were at play here. His love like his frankness were clear and an integral part of their relationship.

So after her 'revelation' he admitted that he had had his doubts about her age when they used to talk but was hoping the gap won't be that much. Then he said "I love you habibti- you are the first love- maybe even the last one but I won't marry you". Though an eternity ago those words resonate in her head and she cannot delete them.

That night he explained his point while she listened till dawn break. "I have other plans and these plans as much as this may hurt me and you now do not include someone your age. If you were two or even five years older than me I would have risked it and faced the situation but I cannot go through this. The tribe, the society, the family and the neighbours will put my family in an awkward and embarrassing position. Look at Karim they would say he could not get a girl his age so he married one 10 years his senior …. Why did he need to do this?'

With every sentence her heart kept sinking, but she clung to the hope that since he still had not seen her he may change his mind. Then he continued "there are other things to take into consideration, I want children, and at 44 you may not be able to provide them. Women age faster than men and you are closer in age to my aunts and mother than to my sisters, it will be hell for you. It crossed my mind once or twice to live with you outside Libya. But I decided no I want to live in my city and I want an ordinary life with a simple woman. Why should I go through with life and make things unnecessarily complicated? It is compatibility I seek not love. I have to be wise; I can't afford to follow my heart, or cripple myself in life" .

"So you do love me she asked? " - "Yes I do habibti, which is why I'll promise you this: I promise to delay my marriage until I know you are settled, happy and married off to a good man." She agreed because she loved him, by then they were so smitten and she so love struck that it felt they were man and woman. It was heavenly this attraction which she felt transcended the physical because they never had seen each other physically. She did not know the colour, texture or scent of his skin, he did not know the taste of her lips but he knew that like the orchid she would open up to his touch. She went to her job during the day with a mysterious smile permanently there on her face. She was secure that he was hers for now, nothing else mattered. They had a covenant.

It was amazing to witness how in love he was. She was happy too, he was healing her past trauma and she became open to finding a comfortable happiness with another man. She was no longer shutting doors in the face of Libyan men . There were two of them she thought would make good husband material. She wanted to ask him how to encourage them to seek her out 3ala sunnat allah wa rasuluh, especially that she was actively seeking to do some matchmaking for him. Their relationship was really comfortable that way.

She was settled and relaxed, a woman in love and loved, a woman fulfilled. She had her criteria about men but with him she really did not care if he turned out to be not one bit like the physical man of her dreams. Why ? not because she was not going to marry him anyway but because love is not just chemistry and sex. You love the person who gives you all the confidence and strength in this world. The man gives that to the woman and the woman to the man. That's how you face life even when you are not actually physically together, that's why you feel comfortable together and that's how you know everything will be all right because you have each other.

Though she did not think that age is an obstacle, she accepted his choice more so because of the covenant and this giving to each other. They enjoyed each other's presence too much. She also loved him very much and seeing him so fulfilled was a joy and as much as she knew that it won't last forever with her and that he would be spending real physical nights and days with another woman one day she was content that he was more than her best friend. He is someone she could denude her soul to and know he would understand. She never stopped to think that another woman would not have accepted this sacrifice; another woman would have thought she was being used. She knew she was not though. She was counting the hours up to their face to face meeting.Then they met ………and the abstraction became reality!

She thought he was not classically handsome, but he was so virile with a cute smile and tender eyes. Though he was shorter than her, his personality made him seem so tall. It was so hard for her to keep away from touching him yet shyness was killing her. Despite her age she felt sixteen and was giggling like an idiot while simultaneously trembling in his presence. She almost fainted when the auras of their twin souls touched each other.


Their love-story developed and when he went away again she spent every hour that was not related to work or some chore with him online or over the phone. She bloomed and even if she was not pretty, her cheeks became rosy, her eyes bright, skin and hair glowing, her lips red.. He showed such care and devotion, international phone calls, advice, trying to smooth any problem she may face and this worked because it was exactly what he promised to do, i.e love and cherish and take care and he was doing it more beautifully every day. She would entertain a glimmer of hope sometimes that things may evolve but she never allowed it to take root because they had a covenant and she had accepted his decision and his point of view.


Then one day a family issue prevented her from being as available as before to him. When things quieted down he confessed that he had met another girl and was in contact with her. She felt hurt and betrayed regardless of the fact that she always knew they would not marry. She thought it would not hurt, but it did. It was shockingly a deja vu situation, reminiscent of the past when every time she would be 'away' the man who had promised' eternal' love would go with another woman.

Karim had been hurt by the other woman which is why he had turned to her, they were first and foremost best friends. Through her daze she never flinched in her support that night. It was only the next day that the shock nested in. She simply was not expecting it to come so soon. She would not lay blame and then negate his good deeds for another man's fault that had left her so hypersensitive. She was hurt because she wanted to be his accomplice of sort when he met a woman. That's how she dreamt it would be. She planned to tzagheret on his wedding; God knows how much her heart would burst from happiness. But she was now so hurt at being taken by surprise as he brought out that old accumulated pain and fear of betrayal the fear that she could never turn her back without the object of love doing something that would hurt her. Part of it was largely unfair to him but the pain was compounded by the fact that she was older and he had made her aware of that very much in his attempt to drill into her head why they were not suited for each other. For the first time in her life she felt old, ugly and undesirable. She felt very much aware of the years that have flown past. She was alone, with no companion and no child. Most of her peers were married and busy with their lives, and the hope for her was fading day by day unless she wanted to settle for a jerk or be someone's third wife. She felt pity for the first time for herself.He almost shattered her self confidence, yet she was lucid enough to know it was not intentional. He has always been honest and logical but online, we give the other all sorts of attributes regardless of how much we think we know them, they are still idealized and romanticized and in a way misunderstandings can happen and secret wishes can be harboured. After all you don't know a person until you've lived or travelled with them and this applies for friends and relationships.

Life goes on and they were both wise not to destroy a perfectly ideal friendship. Because time is a great healer she was able to put the experience behind her and move on just like he had done. As much as he loved her, the ten year age gap was obviously too much to be bridged which meant he did not love her enough! Instead of being hurt she should be grateful as this was not the man she was looking for – she wanted an unconditional timeless love.

When they met again, this new meeting lasted longer allowing her to digest things slower. He was great fun to be with and they laughed so much. So she ended up having her closure when she discovered it was just a heavy infatuation from her side compounded by the web. It could have gone either way love or friendship. They were pilgrim souls who met and recognized each other and were there for each other in time of need. They will still help each other as siblings but he was NOT her man. Her man was out there just within reach and she better keep her heart, mind and soul open not to miss him again and waste precious time.


In conclusion, was it betrayal ? you bet … did it hurt ? sure …any regrets? None!
It is a necessary experience in the general scheme of things and you learn more about yourself and the fact is that you need not only to love the other person selflessly but also to love yourself even more. Libyan blogger Litazia has made a complete blog about love and ' How to have a healthy relationship and maintain it'; a lot of wise words in there garnered from experience !

The main point that struck me in this story is does age really matter? Does being over 30 erase the chance of the woman with an Arab guy in general and a Libyan one in particular?When do you seize to be considered as a complete woman. Is fertility confined to age only? is fertility really that specific and only the domain of women? Aren't children gifts from God which he partakes to whom he wishes? So many questions.

Love is hard : a long story

'I'm off to bed' he said.

Her heart was screaming no I want to talk to you. I want to make love and feel you inside me. I want to cry in your arms, be reassured and feel protected just like you promised. But she typed instead : 'Sure habibi everything will be allright- take care and good night!' ( it even rhymes)

Then she let out a primeval wail, breaking the dams in her heart, her eyes overflowed and she thought she would die from the pain that racked her in waves. Her whole body started shaking and she was immediately drenched in sweat. She wanted to crawl under a rock to die, but she died inside one more time. Why does she have to accept this, why should she accomodate him and forgive. He felt guilty, and he was guilty, treason is the ultimate dagger, betrayal is the worst thing one can do, and saying it was unintentional can never be an excuse as long as we have a brain and can make choices. Why should she absolve him so he can go and have a good life with a clean slate while she will remain with the memories and the shadows of a happier time, why make it easy on him? why ? because she loves him and he was banking on that.. He knows her too well....So, while he slept she left him an offline echoing an earlier text message he had sent her last time they met during his visit.

'I guess love IS hard'- then her fingers stopped in mid air as if thinking what to say and she resumed 'you were right yesterday that my downfall and yet most endearing trait is that I let the man feel safe that I wont nag for anything, not even for his love no matter how much I love him because of my stupid principles. Right now all I want to be doing is pillow talk'. She pressed the enter button and waited some more till the physical pain receded so she could actually think with a clear head.

Since then she has not been capable of any work, she sits long hours at the office pretending to carry on important tasks, she attends meetings as a shell because her soul has long since departed. She sits at her computer at home staring into space and wishing for a magic wand, she replies to questions with a resigned attitude. She is fading like a rose without water and her features reflect sadness.

Then she gets up, clenches her fist and thinks 'shame on you, your ancestors would turn in their grave- if they saw what a wimp you have become'. Is it worth fighting for this love? or should she walk away and turn her back - would she let someone else take him so easily after she had been a best friend, sister, mother and lover all in one? will it always be her destiny to hold the man she always pined for only briefly and have another woman take him when he was ready for the plucking? As if he was but a desert mirage.

To forgive or not ?- should that even be a question when one loves? The hurt and the anger says not to, but the part of her that loves him says - have mercy. But who will have mercy on her and comfort her?

If she takes away her forgiveness, professing it loud - he will be cursed like the others. Those men who in their selfishness in search for a two second orgasm killed a nascent dream.

In the past she used to griev, and tried to forget; convincing herself that her soulmate was still around the corner and that he would be the Prince on a white horse the companion of her old age. The man whose babies she will bear and who would be the one to bury her when she dies. Because she intended to die before him. The man with whom she could laugh and cry, an accomplice of some sort, with whom she could be silly- habla, and serious with whom even the silences where full of words. She would listen to his breathing while he slept and she would adore his snoring. She would tremble at the prospect of his touch and would send him cheeky messages if he was away thinking of the one thousand and one ways she would light up his life.

'Don't forgive !' says her friend, be angry, nag and threaten and tell him how much what he did hurts and is not right? 'Be the lady you have always been says' her head, 'keep cool and calm'and everything will fall into place.'

In the previous times, she never looked back until one day the cause of her pain would come and ask for forgiveness - it was an eerie experience and she felt sorry at the state he would be in. His momentary happiness not having lasted long, because breaking a heart or a promise is not easy matter. When she would see how that man she thought was a giant was reduced to a dwarf - she would say thank God I am not the one stuck to this guy. She would grant him forgiveness. This time around it's getting a bit more difficult, she is older and her memory not as elastic enough to blot out the pain. By forgiving she signs her death warrant- can she go through the same process of picking up the pieces on the path to heal her heart! She was young and frail before so she left without putting a fight or was it nasseeb so that she could meet him and he would break her heart too. But why does this need to happen? yes why ? He loves her he says and she loves him back .

She has decided not to exact vengence because that is a bitter medicine, she will forgive because her heart is bigger - because she is a real woman, made of flesh and blood and because she loves him and love requires the ultimate sacrifice- if you think that the object of your life would be happier without you then you learn to let go, even if you know that he is mistaken because his happiness lies with you...

are you getting confused ? come back again to read the stories and judge for yourself.

Story time

Two years ago, I said " If you want to share your story of whatever nature – even gossip at work- dear Libyan ( others are welcome as well) I’m prepared to post it and be discreet about its owner , it would only be for the edification of our readers, plus a problem shared is a problem halved". My inbox has overfilled, yet I've been too lazy to post more of your emails.

Since I fancy myself a novelist and aspiring writer - I'm going to share the ones I've collected with the other readers- so watch this space again as Violet is back !

Masochism, bad luck and incorrect choices

The dictionary explains that 'masochism' means any of the following depending on the situation:


1. Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
2. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
3. the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
4. the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.


1,2, and 3 are clearly out of the equation but could my recurrent failed attempt to find and hold love be an expression of my " tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc" ? This is the question that continues to stare at me in space. Could this be the reason the hurt and pain that has constituted the bigger part of my life spent in search of that mate and partner the failure to create a successful team and joint partnership or is it simply down to luck and incorrect choices?

Retrospectively and with hindsight I can pinpoint the exact moment where the detour occurred which launched arelationship into 'destruct mode'. Yet was that moment really my fault, or have I offended Fortuna, Ganesha and Benten simultaneously? o r is there no such thing as bad luck but only God's providence?

The third option would be incorrect choice, is it possible for one human being to continue making the wrong choices for decades with history continuing to repeat itself in a predictable manner from the initial spark of attraction to the bittersweet end.

I struggle on a daily basis with these theories, questions like 'what if I had said or not said a particular statement' rise in a crescendo and cascade like hammers on my brain while wave after wave of pain constrict my heart and only recede to die a slow excruciating death on the beaches of my soul, leaving memories of raw flesh exposed and battered by the elements.


It is the last and third leg of Ramadan 2008, I don't want to commit blasphemy by questioning God's wisdom especially when he has these beautiful words for us, urging us not to give up on his Mercy despite our deeds.

قال تعالى: قل ياعبادي الذين أسرفو على أنفسهم لاتقنطو من رحمة الله

Yet I can't help thinking: Where are the real men? Am I condemned to an eternity of hermitage or do eternal and infinite peace lie only in death?

Wishing you all a blissful Eid soon in the company of your loved ones I will be hugging Pearl extra tight tonight.

'Draw me closer' : don't push away my outstretched hand

I don't kow if you've had the time to check my sidebar ? I've collected a number of interesting (to me and I hope to you as well) bloggers, whose common denominator is romance and erotica..

Sheema Kalbasi is from Iran and How it goes naked is her 'literary journey'.

This is my favourite bit:

"I want to be virgin of all the memories, and the life experiences but you. I want to be a markless paper and be marked by you. I want my past, present, and the future to have your name on it. I want to have a body that can be made love to by you uninterruptedly. I want to have a heart that has one city's name on it, the city where you ARE at any given time. I have been handed this love generation after generation to find you somewhere close or even from far to let you know of the truth. Take away the roaming features of Sizdah Bedar from my memory. I want to survive the aching for my homeland from the edge of this country.
Draw me closer. I love you" [read more]

The Baby

After years of waiting you are given the chance to have a baby with the love of your life .... what do you do ?

Having a child toghether was our living daydream, his eyes and my skin colour, my hair and his long legs, etc.. the baby was going to be the cutest thing you ever saw walked the earth.... but hey it was only a dream to be indulged in . He has his own kids and I have Pearl ....

I'm not sure what happened, midlife crisis maybe ? but now suddenly after I had accepted that he will only be my mentor and best friend and after I have stopped thinking about him as a father to my kids ... he comes up out with this suggestion out of the blue :

"let's have that baby as soon as possible ! He /she will have my name, I will be
responsible for everything"

Oh my God ! what do I do ? is he asking me to marry him now after all these years ? He knows I won't be having any kids out of wedlock .. no matter how much I would be crazy in love..
What would you do ? share a man you loved with his family and fulfill you past dream safe in the knowledge that he will take care of you forever. Or go and have your baby with a man you love but don't need to share with anyone but at the same time where nothing is guaranteed except the excitement of starting a new life, new horizons and no complications .......


I like the following prayer very much: [ref] , when i find myself at loss .... but really the timing of this request is very very strange

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things which should be changed,and the
Wisdom to distinguishthe one from the other. "

Would you have his baby ? whose baby ? Life is really ironic first you have no choice and suddenly the choices are limitless..... do good things really come in threes or is it a poisoned chalice ?

Clarification 26-11-06 I see some readers did not understand :) the question is should she have the baby with her old love or new love ?