Violet...

2011-08-24T21:11:00.004+02:00

Freedom in Libya at last

Thank you all for asking about me and Pearl we are well and safe .

Over six months have passed since the first spark in February! Six months where Libyans have proven continuously to the whole world of what stuff exactly they are made.

It is not all over yet, some parts of our Great country ( and the adjective here is absolutely fitting still need help to be liberated, where complete safety still needs to be restored, where martyrs still need to be buried, prisoners released, injured treated and children reassured! But for sure the hardest part in the fight is over I hope.

Unfortunately many children including Pearl have lost the innocence of childhood, they know what a sniper is, and how a dead person looks, and the sounds of gunfire, and the sense that they cannot buy what they want, let alone what they need, they fear the security forces and are afraid of anything with a gun or uniform or to talk on the phone for fear of being overheard by someone who will harm the family. Pearl keeps drawing on her whiteboard an imaginary combat scene between the rebels and the Gaddafi militia where she says why don't the rebels pretend to give them presents as toys and have bombs hidden in those toys which will explode in the hands of Gaddafi's militiamen.

This had become her favourite game and it has been difficult to get her out of this mood. She kept saying "mummy is he not an evil man, why does not God make him go ?"

I wish it were that easy, it took so much doubts, hope, hopelessness, pain, sacrifice etc... to reach this point today where we are allowed to breath deeply and celebrate the achievement of the whole Libyan nation at their final attempt to unseat the Gaddafi dynasty. It has been a struggle of almost 42 years but at last this time it succeeded.

As a practical mom who does not have the luxury to rest but must think about the wellbeing of her child, I'm pleased that this is ending just in time for the new scholastic year to start. Pearl has passed her exams despite all the hardships. I am relieved to hear today during the press conference of Sarkozy and the Libyan NTC representative that schools will start on time in Libya. I'm currently unemployed because all foreign companies left hastily in the first week of the uprising but I'm not worried, we managed with so little for six months we can do it for longer and also there is going to be a hive of activity now to rebuild this country so I will surely find something I can do again.

I hope to return to love stories soon.

Meanwhile it is beautiful to see how much change there has been in the Libyan psyche, the wall of fear has been broken. Freedom is priceless.

2011-03-01T23:24:00.003+01:00

Depressed

Today , I am feeling hopelessness.... depressed about Pearl's future, our future and depressed that there is no one close on whom I can for just one moment rest my burdens and close my eyes. Someone who will tell me not to worry but he is here to take care of us.

I admit, I have received phone calls of support, but those are just words, there is no human presence to make whatever is convulsing this country more bearable.

But I cannot afford the luxury of such a feeling, because there is no one to take care of my baby Pearl

2011-02-24T13:18:00.003+01:00

Lo my homeland Libya!

I cannot believe that it has been ten days since the descent into hell started. The conflicting news and the disrupted communication services are compounding the fears. Even the weather which has been bitterly cold, windy and rainy seems to have conspired to make the situation even more dramatic then it already is.

I'm hoping that soon we will be reflecting on this period, but right now every day is a struggle for survival and to keep our sanity.

Pearl is at the age where it is not enough to say "no honey you cannot go to school today". You can't prevent her from watching TV and catching a glimpse of things. So she wants to know why?and understand why is the city closed? and why can she not go out and play in the garden? and why we cannot visit her cousin? and why she cannot play her favorite games online, and why the mobile is not working? and why is mommy not going to work?, and why she can only have half the bar of chocolate? so many more why's.

She is almost 9 years old how can I explain to her that horrible things have happened and worse are expected? She has already asked if this was war and do they kill children?

I simply told her that there are good and evil men fighting each other and good will prevail. That's when she asked me: so when is Omar Mukhtar coming to save us?

That was the last straw and my heart there and then broke up.

I am so numb even prayers have become difficult to utter....

2011-01-15T23:04:00.004+01:00

The first date

Hi Violet, my name is Reem and your posts labelled 'love is hard' have affected me especially the one about the married lover. I wanted to share with you and your audience if you will allow me the following story.

Reem is referring to this post and I was flattered that she wanted to contribute to my blog. Without further ado please read her email:

The First Date

The conversation had just began and I don’t know how it turned to exchanging tips about children and reliable paediatrician in Tripoli. Then he said “ I would recommend Dr Mansour at the x – Clinic” Without hesitation I retorted “ is that where you take your children Wael?” and almost automatically he replied “yes”, “ so you are married” I said trying to hide my disappointment at these news. “Reem” he intoned purposefully looking across to me from his seat in one of the new hot, flashy restaurants on the Tripoli seafront. “I wanted to tell you about this face-to-face and be transparent, it was not possible over the phone!”

In one second my world crashed and my hopes were dashed even before being allowed to fly. It took me 6 months from the time we bumped into each other at an exhibition to actually pluck up the courage to call him. When I phoned him the first time and he did not answer I was quite relieved, I could throw away his business card but something urged me to hang on to it and try again. I actually vaguely remembered his features, we simply were introduced to each other and spoke briefly and he expressed the wish to learn more about me. That’s the sort of chit-chat you do at business events and you forget about it, but I think the impression he left me with was one of simplicity, almost ascetic cleanliness and at the same time sophisticated. Plus he was so tall and I have a feeble for tall men. So I called again a couple of weeks later and this time he answered. The voice was polite, manly, very mature and self assured, and my heart fluttered... I was breathless and awkward… what was I going to tell him he probably had forgotten our 5 minute encounter. “Reem, this is me Reem, we met at the exhibition last year, I am terribly sorry for calling you like this and hesitated for a long time because I’m not at all sure how you will take this as a Libyan man, but you had asked me to call and I decided I will call you just to find out what type of person you are perhaps some good can come out of this? Please excuse me and I will delete this number from my phone” I was so embarrassed. To my ears I sounded like some infatuated teenager and barely heard him utter: “Reem OMG you finally deigned to call, I have been waiting for so long and you never gave me your number, when can we meet, where are you, where have you been, I have been thinking for half a year that no woman can be this arrogant!”

“ I’m really sorry to have put you through such anguish Wael, and as I said I won’t call, I just wanted to know that you really are a decent person and was curious about you”. Wael wanted to know when we could meet for lunch or dinner or even breakfast, and I was reluctant to commit to anything. I told him to take it slow and give me time to think. I went home and was thinking very hard that night. Why was I attracted to that man and why did I not want to meet him? Why did I catch myself hoping for his call? Is it because I was afraid for my reputation? I browsed my favourite blogs and Ibeebarbie’s words “I still felt the whimperings and longings of a cohesive partnership” seemed to be directed right at me. I was busy and successful, attractive by some standards, lead a very active life but at the end of the day was very much single, I wanted someone to have a family with, a child, companionship, friendship…and everything in Wael seemed to exude that. He would be a good husband material. That short conversation with him on the phone thought me a lot about him, his values and warmth, he was very respectful and very tactful. Actually I have rarely seen such behaviour in contemporary Libyan men and was curious about his academic background. I was relieved to find out he did have a university degree that actually needed someone to study to pass it. His family sounded stable also and that was important and obviously he has worked hard, no daddy’s boy or born with a silver spoon person. Those were all values I shared and respected. He called me two days later, and still I was not ready to meet him. Then I sat down and thought hard about it, why did I not want to meet a man who actually could be a success story and make me happy, why was I only interested in those impossible to get men? This questioning of my soul led me to one truth I have been hiding from myself for years now. It was a revelation, I feared rejection so much that I sought in advance relationships which were doomed to failure, so I would not have to be hurt and rejected by someone I actually, liked and valued and really wanted very badly. This guy seemed ideal, and I was afraid to loose him by meeting him, is that not a bit strange? A long weekend of self analysis finally led me to agree to meet for a coffee and that is how we ended up in the restaurant. Preparing to meet him took a lot of trouble from me, as I on purpose tried my best to undermine this first date. I want him to see exactly who I was and the way I was, no trying to attract him, in fact I tried not to look attractive. So it was I ended up wearing a pair of jeans, black shirt, sports shoes and leather jacket, with my hair in a plait, some sun block and barely there lip-gloss. That is a no-no outfit if you are trying to impress a man. He was even more handsome than I remembered even up to the gap between his top two front teeth which I found so cute. I feasted on the bronze colour of his skin which reminded me of another one and the beautiful full shape of his lips and the warmth and humour in his eyes. He was not classically handsome but he had so much appeal you could almost ‘smell’ the testosterone! And he had the most beautiful hands I had ever seen on any man. Their shape was perfect!

So when I heard his voice telling me he was married, it was a palpable physical pain that I felt in my heart and head. Before my eyes was the epitome of the man I always dreamt about and “yet again he was not going to be mine” a little voice told me. Married men are just heartache!

I was going to leave there and then, because why was I dating him in the first place, let’s not kid ourselves this was a date; we did not meet to discuss business. Instead I feigned an excuse to go refresh myself at the ladies. When I returned I had regained some of my composure and thanked him for being upfront. “ Thanks Wael for letting me know, this avoids having any daydreams or ideas now I know where are the limits of this relation ! i.e. no relation at all.”

“why do you say this Reem, my princess, why is it impossible to have a relationship based on trust between us, someone one can count on, some one to be your best friend, someone you can share with” … that’s where I interrupted him ( why is he calling me princess I thought ?) but I said “Wael, you should be best friends with your wife and share thoughts with her and your children why are you seeking that in me? It’s a pity we did not meet before but I refuse to have a relationship with a man that is not defined by a legal entity. We are not business associates so we can’t have the excuse to be meeting for business, obviously you like something in me and I found something attractive in you to be very frank and I’m not willing to commit or hurt myself to something that has no future unless you are considering right now a second marriage, and from what I understand about you, your wife is a good person”

“I’m really sorry Wael, this is not going to work and is definitely not fair on me. I appreciate that you did not lead me on, but I’m really not sure what you were expecting. I’m a very simple girl Wael, I’m not in a hurry, I’m still waiting for Prince Charming and won’t compromise on that even if the white hairs have started to creep in on me”

“ Reem he said, what I like about you is not your hotness, it’s the goodness of your heart which shines through, that’s what attracts people to you, but combined with the type of body you have I admit that is just a killer combination which you are probably unaware off, and that makes you more endearing. I want to be part of your life… that is something I am 100% sure of and have wanted to since the moment I set my eyes on you and heard your gentle voice explaining to the children at the exhibition about the items on display. The way you speak, the reservation, the passion you show for the subject and proud way you carry yourself and how the children were in awe lapping your comment and that flower print dress have haunted me for a very long time, if I can help it I will never let you go!”

After this confession, I really had nothing to loose Violet, total honesty was all I could go for. “Wael, the only way you could have me in your life forever is by marrying me, and yes I’m sorry we did not meet 10 years ago. Thank you again for your honesty, and I want to wish you all the best now I really should make a start to go home”

It’s heartbreaking Violet, we share so many common things, hard work, studious life, family bonds, care for parents and children, same hobbies, a man who likes to read, and play sports and takes his family out and travel with a penchant for more adventurous side of life…and unfortunately very much taken. Someone could say, that I could start a relationship and then take him from his wife, but I just don’t think that is right and therefore I believe that the 6 month period I was hesitating to call him may have been some sort of cosmic message to tell me that he was not available. Now it hurts so much to know that this type of Libyan man is available without the need for him to speak English well and I have missed him. One could say that he was a creep for being married and actually thinking of cheating on his wife and I thought about that but right now Violet, I’m trying very hard not to dial his number, because of this magnet I have for impossible love stories. One date and two ten minute phone calls was all it took to fall very hard. May God keep me strong as it will be a struggle.

2010-12-31T21:43:00.001+01:00

Renunciation

"A love filled heart seeks renunciation".....more on that later ....

Happy New Year to all from Pearl and Violet

2010-09-17T11:07:00.006+02:00

The haunting

She spent ten tumultuous years getting over a teenage love, and the next decade getting over her first and what turned out to be only love.

She had buried this fact deep into her soul and so never realized that all she was doing was trying to forget him.

One day like Snow White a kiss by a prince woke her up from the self induced coma. Yet despite the prince's sincere intentions - and those are what counts in fairy tales to perform miracles - he could never be her Prince . Because only the true Prince knew how to kiss her lips till they were bruised with engorged blood and until the ground would disappear from underneath. Only her Prince had the strength to carry her for miles in his arms and only he could rise out of the sea looking like the statue of Adonis come to live ... When she awoke and the last strands of the fog blew away all the bad memories had faded and the good times came to life even more vividly and it suddenly struck her that in all the years she assumed she was unlucky with men she was in truth setting herself up for failure by trying to find him again in another man's eyes when there was and never will be any man like her Man, Prince and King of her soul...

If you found and lost your soulmate once would you have the chance to get him back again ?

The pain seared through her heart and shot through her brain when it dawned on her that she was looking now at a dark precipice - a lifetime needed to get over that loss again. Like the tide and the waves and the song she loved so much the pain webbed and flowed.

Ten years to find out he was always "THE ONE" and to finally admit it so simply how could this happen? Ironically it took him ten years to bridge the gap and grow into the person she knew and predicted he was destined to be, but she was so old now and there was hardly any time left, and he was married...

“love is different than marriage, my love ! Love is forever and ONLY YOU have and will always have my love” - he whispered but she wanted his love and his flesh.

If she were not Muslim she would at least have the solace to believe in reincarnation and another chance....why was life playing such games with her ?

In a flash 30 years would have passed and her life would have gone by without a moment of peace or happiness.... is there a silver lining ? he mentioned wanting to sire a child? Would she accept a polygamous marriage? the prospect of dying without consuming their love was a black hole and she would accept such a marriage to him...

To have the next ten years with him would be perfect but did she have ten years to live still? Only God knew the answer !

Note and question to readers: this is part of my upcoming novel - very first draft so lots of editing , can you help me choose a name for the heroine? the only condition is that it hails from the Middle East or North Africa!

2010-08-02T07:09:00.003+02:00

Physical closeness

With each physical separation it gets more and more difficult for lovers to stay without their other half..

I wonder what the readers think ?

2010-07-10T19:33:00.001+02:00

Flashback

"You wondered how you'd make it through. I wondered what was wrong with you. Because how could you give your love to someone else, yet share your dreams with me? Sometimes the only thing you're looking for, is the one thing you can't see." Vanessa Williams

2010-06-21T22:31:00.004+02:00

Evening classes for men

I could not resist posting - many of them make sense, enjoy and give me feedback please :)

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

2010-06-09T20:44:00.003+02:00

Torn apart or Bound together ?

A few months ago I was watching the trailer for the movie Dear John which is an adaptation of the a novel by Nicholas Sparks of the same name. I remember making a note to myself that it is something I wanted to watch. Then I came across the book itself when transiting through one of the airports in the Middle East recently and decided to buy it.

It is only when I bought that I realized that this was the same author as among other things The Notebook, Nights in Rodanthe, A walk to remember, and for me the utterly famous and heart wrenching Message in a Bottle. Once again I found myself enjoying the tragic drama in the story and somehow being disappointed that there is no happy ending. There never is in his novels.

I've read a criticism of his genre here , and I understand where the author of the article is coming from but I think that if there was no market or need for such stories and if they did not exist then they would not be written. These novels seem to talk about nobility of love and character akin to a Greek tragedy that take you beyond the grave. Reading his books does make one cry at the inevitable and I guess it must be a tribute to his writing skills regardless if people may think that the story is a cliche. I read those books never realising they were by the same author, but only liked the story and what it represented.

There is also a Hindi movie with a vaguely similar theme as the Notebook, which I find myself relentlessly drawn to watch every time.

All this makes me wonder is the fate of LOVE to be torn apart physically yet bound together spiritually forever ? if so then this is indeed very sad and mortals like me will never have a chance at happiness !

2010-04-21T23:14:00.000+02:00

Wise words

That's my new resolution in life !

"Never make someone a priority when you are only an option for them." unknown

2010-02-22T00:36:00.003+01:00

15 Valentine years

I've shared with you my favourite Valentine card and also my first and most memorable Valentine day. For fourteen years, through hail, snow, rain, sandstorms and long distance he never failed to remember me in some special way on Valentine. I knew this year he would not as my extremely cold replies have finally put some reason into him and he has promised to stop calling me. He needs to think of his wife and not ghosts of love gone bye. I hope their marriage can now flourish.

Fifteen years already - can't believe it's been so long, yet I still feel so young ?

2010-02-05T12:46:00.002+01:00

Lipstick theory

I bought a new lipstick yesterday called 'party red' but what drew me to it was the quote on the cover :P

" Men may come and go but lipstick is forever"

Genius !

2010-01-16T14:54:00.006+01:00

My 'Big' Purple One

Quality Street Chocolate have a special place in my heart since my childhood years. Those were the chocolates that visitors would bring with them or that we would take with us when we visited someone's house. So it was a treat.

The thing is I did not like all the chocolates in the box. I had my favourites and this is how they were classified :

The green triangle
The toffee finger
The toffee penny
The purple one
The chocolate toffee cup

The rest I did not really care about much. Some have been removed to be replaced by others.

Then as I grew older one flavour stood out and I found myself when offered chocolates diving for the purple one ( maybe because they replaced the brazil nut with hazelnut ?) and actually asking for another one. I'm thinking the Nestle people have laced it with some kind of drug , because most people I know now all want the purple one... . I wished that they would make the whole box with individually wrapped purple ones ! How weird to see my wish come true today....

I was happily shopping for tuna fish at the supermarket when Pearl screamed 'mummy I want this !'

My eyes alighted on a giant purple Quality street chocolate for sale! A larger version of my favourite flavour in a box of similar ones...Those people in marketing have really cornered the market ! They must have listened to people's wishes or to the results of the voting campaign: 'what's your favourite?'

The size of the purple one is quite generous and for once I feel satisfied with the taste that I have been craving for so long. DIVINE.

The tag my purple one is catchy and a bit corny too .Of course the wrapper being my favourite colour has nothing to do with it :P

Want to share your favourite chocolate ?

Happy New Year from Pearl and Violet

2009-11-14T17:42:00.001+01:00

Letting go: The (still) married lover

You are always advised not to get involved with a married man no matter how much you are or think you are in love, especially if he has children….

When they met, he was separated. Separated for us in the Arab world means divorced; in the West it means that the couple is for the time being not living together and at the same time not legally divorced. When they fell in love, he was on the verge of divorcing then something happened. Her love brought him the stability and friendship he sought and he reconsidered his separation status. His wife suddenly decided to move back with him to another continent and a hostile environment because at her age it was better than starting over with two kids and she was still getting her way.

When they met the first time in Europe, he said "I love you, but I cannot make any promises until my life is back in order, as I have two little children to take care of"

When they met the second time in Asia, he said "Wife has moved to my country and it is a joy to watch my kids thrive again and feel stable. I no longer fight with her, and though the sex is clinical, my work keeps me going and my joy at protecting the children. I'm looking into figuring out a solution that will not put their future at risk but although I'd love to have you for me, please don't wait if you have a chance"

When they met the third time in Europe again it was for one day only and there was barely time to stock on love to keep one going …

When they met the fourth time it was between airports because he has cancelled their meeting for family obligations and when she saw him she noticed immediately how old he had grown… Was this the same man she loved ? she looked beyond the white hair and the large paunch at the kind turquoise eyes. He still was very fit wit well defined muscles, still tall and well built, but he definitely was older. " 50 years old!" she caught herself thinking, Would she want to be with him now that his best years have been with another woman?
He was sorry that it was all he could manage and he promised to dedicate a special time for them to meet again and discuss the future but again he said " I'm still trying to figure away that would not harm my children!"

From the time of their first meeting she told herself that if she encountered a man with whom she felt she would be happy she would not wait for the turquoise eyes to alight on her again. She dated a number of men, all interesting and all successful but they never ticked all the right boxes. And she went on basking in that halo of love that's been bridging 10 years of longing. Ten interminable years of yearning to live together yet knowing somewhere deep inside that it was not going to happen.

The day she held her own child in her arms she finally understood ….She understood that he was not going to leave his kids at least until they were over 18 and provided for. Yes he was frail and human and he fell in love with another woman who was not his wife. She had caught him during the male menopause years and he had outgrown that and calmed down and resigned to making a life for his kids. Plus being 50 meant he would soon be less passionate romance/sex and just content because he still had access to his wife's bed and what does a man want but somewhere to put his weary body? She had learned that the hard way from a younger man who professed eternal love but could not keep his promise. He said at the end of the day, we men just want somewhere to rest …love .. romance etc.. that's just lies..

Cradling her child she knew it was not going to happen and when he phoned her to talk about setting up that meeting, her mouth said "sure that would be great my love", but her heart and head said in unison " why waste a perfectly good holiday for something that will never see the light – you should be concentrating your energy on the one who is available, has no baggage – you live forever".

We hold to each other and think that time stops, but we grow and mature and understand that even in Love there is no black and white. You did not want to live with the guy without marriage and he was not ready to dispose of his old life to marry you.
You can go on loving fiercely but you can have a beautiful, successful and fulfilled life with a partner whom you may not love passionately at first but whom you are sure that he will grow old with you and your child. So you look with tenderness at that snapshot taken 10 years ago during the first candle lit dinner with your lover. The beautiful skin, flushed and rosy with love, the bright sparkling eyes, the way his arm is wrapped possessively around your waist, the way your head is tilted towards his chest and you wish that couple good luck in the next life.

Don't ever fall in love with a married man no matter how unhappy he says he is because he will never leave on his own unless you are prepared to fight for him and break his marriage. NOT all women are ready to do that !

There is no bitterness because he was a gentleman and a best friend and most of all he never made promises. Having reached this stage you know you are ready to let go in peace.

2009-10-16T13:10:00.002+02:00

A come back joke : Choosing your man for happiness- the ultimate guide

I thought it would be best to return to blogging with a little poke at Libyan men.

Please don't be offended as we love you very much!

My question is are these characteristics true ?

دليل السعادة .. في اختيار الرجل

من تحب الجود والكرم..تأخذ خليجي

من تحب النفخة....تأخذ تركي

من تحب الجدية.....تأخذ انجليزي

من تحب الجبنة...تأخذ فرنسي

من تحب الصبر والجلد...تأخذ هندي

من تحب قلة العقل...تأخذ صيني

من تحب التكنولوجيا...تأخذ ياباني

من تحب الجاذبية...تأخذ اسباني

من تحب المكرونه.....تأخذ ايطالي

من تحب البساطة...تأخذ هولندي

من تحب العشق و الدلال...تأخذ لبناني

من تحب السحر...تأخذ مغربي

من تحب ثقل الدم..تأخذ اردني

من تحب الكسل.....تأخذ سوداني

من تحب النكد...تأخذ فلسطيني

من تحب الخشونة تأخذ سوري

من تحب الكلام العسل تاخد مصري

^ واللي تبي الأجر تأخذ

ليبي

ولها ثواب كبير إن شاء الله

2009-07-27T14:41:00.002+02:00

A great summer

Thanks to all friends who have written to ask about me and Pearl! We are enjoying the summer vacation together and will be back with more stories soon.

Have a great summer !

2009-05-23T00:42:00.005+02:00

The High School Crush and the Inner Sanctuary

It was a new school which meant she was a little apprehensive about how will her classmates be. “Will they accept me? Will I like them? What should I wear for my first day at school?” She thought.

She could still remember like it was yesterday the skin tight faded jeans with the matching jacket full of golden buttons a la Michael Jackson, not sure why she wore high heels as well and a little bit of lip gloss – maybe to add what she thought would be glamour and sophistication..

She walked into the classroom and everyone was already greeting each other, the girls were hugging and kissing and the guys hi-fiving, for a split second she was afraid and then she walked to the girls and introduced herself. That’s when she heard him say ‘what a gorgeous ass and look at those legs man!’. She turned around and there he was looking at her with his mischievous smile his long silky black hair covering one eye. Her heart missed a beat and never recovered for the rest of the year as she watched him date the other girls then cry on her shoulder when they would break up. That was the year she learnt the term patience …and to weave fairy tales.

Twenty five years later…Sitting laughing and chatting with a group of friends at the restaurant, she noticed a tall gentleman two tables removed from her party. She could only see his broad back, but the shine of the hair and its colour caught her eye. She was engrossed in the conversation and gesticulating for emphasis when she felt someone gently tap on her shoulder. She turned around, surprise and a little bit annoyed ‘yes? What can I do for you?’

Mariam? He said you ARE Mariam? She looked hard into his face, it’s been a long time and his hair was now no longer like that of a rebel, but that lopsided mischievous smile was still there. Her heart missed a beat again and all those feelings bottled up by the 15 year old rushed into the heart of the woman. But that woman carried unfulfilled romantic desires and she allowed herself to believe those fairy tales weaved a quarter of a century ago. In that one second she thought that dreams actually come true if you waited long enough. It was as if the time apart never happened, they picked up naturally where they left. How do you make a man see you as a woman and not as a friend? And why did he suddenly appear? It must be a sign.. Unfortunately that 15 year old had never left her…A whole year passed like a bullet train and as much as she wanted to, there was nothing she could do except be the friend he wanted and accompany him for that journey in time in the hope he will wake up and realize that the woman he has been describing to her while he was checking out potential brides was her.

So she decided to give it one more try if that did not work she would walk out once and for all – damn those fairy tales in her mind; she had lived without him a lifetime she could continue to do so. Friendship could be a good basis for love but she did not have all the time in the world that the 15 year old had and she did not want to be around to be invited at his wedding that would be really be ironic.

A golden opportunity came their way and she vowed to make the best of it, this was going to be the make or break time. As if by fate their vacations coincided with each other and they were able to spend even more time together than then ever did. They were constantly doing stuff together and talking at all hours of the day and night. There should be a moment where she could crack that shield and let him see she was a female no?

He had surprised her by suggesting a picnic and she went to meet up with him on that beach. She was walking towards him in the warm sand, and noticed that he had used the time waiting for her to prepare a lovely picnic breakfast, tuna, cheese, olives, eggs, tea, juice, honey, milk, fruits and freshly baked bread which he just bought from the bakery and had spread a chequered burgundy and white sheet on the beach . She thought it was as romantic as it gets and he was looking at her smiling and beckoning with a debonair expression. How dashing he looked, his Ipod was blasting Pavarotti’s Nessun Dorma from the speakers…she thought it must be a hint…It seems his mobile rang because she saw him pick it up and laugh and talk excitedly. She reached him just in time to overhear him say ‘ I love you too honey, only one month and you will grace your new home…’ Then he put the phone down and looked at Mariam again. ‘Remember Dania from my cousin’s birthday party? We’re buying the wedding dress from France next week.! Oh Mariam, wish me luck I’m so happy, she is beautiful you will just love her’

She felt the dagger turn in her heart how could she be so wrong? But no he never said anything to her that could be construed as the shadow of a hint. Maybe once when he was particularly down he revealed more than he should and had a spontaneous moment.. The rest of the day went in stupour. She made all the right moves and correct replies, but the heart was no longer in it. She had thrown the dice and taken her chance and lost. The 15 year old inside crumbled and died. Now was the time for a prompt and discreet retreat. He must never know what she felt for him ever! It must remain buried as the high school crush it was all along. In terms of closure it could not get as clear or more melodramatic that this.

If she wanted the friendship to remain unscathed and thrive, she had to give him space and make space for herself. He will be too busy now to notice her absence anyway.

Meanwhile she will busily be exploring the inner sanctuary…

2009-05-18T01:58:00.009+02:00

The inner sanctuary

It was difficult the first day, you want to reach out then you hold back, one hour, two hours , 24 hrs. Your milestone is 48hrs, the longing subsides and it becomes less painful to think about it...that's when you agree that friendships too need breathing space to thrive.

Then one day you wake up and you find total peace... that is the final inner sanctuary!

2009-04-10T17:01:00.005+02:00

The uses of Facebook and other online social networks

In the Arab world traditions have it that whenthere is intent for marriage, the family of the groom usually asks about the bride and her family. They ask neighbours, work colleagues, school and do a little investigation about her suitability. But the girl's family also asks about the groom and his family so that there will be no surprises later. Some brides were known to refuse the offer if the suitor drinks (even socially) and is perfect in every other aspect as an example. Or maybe the marriage request is pulled of the table if the girl had been engaged before. It all depends on personal preference but basically it is about suitability and beeing of equal standing and peers in the society and not just about knowing if the girl has slept around or if the guy is a drug addict. My online friend T sent me this cartoon ( thanks ) and although I laughed at first, its significance struck me as being totally in sync with the times do you know why ? first let me say briefly what it means for those who can't read Arabic ....

Black and white cartoon: In the past
" You know what, before we go and ask for her hand let's go and ask about her and her parents for their neighbours and hopefully it will be good!"

Colour cartoon : In the present

"Don't tell your parents about her yet man, why dont you probe about her on facebook, check her profile, pictures, list of friends and who sent her flowers. Then investigate in Hi5 and it won't be wrong to Google her name see what comes up ... I mean I don't have anything specific on her, but you never know!"

Ironically this is exactly what happened to one of my neighbours, someone proposed to her and she and her cousin checked his profile on Facebook, he had 130 friends and they were all female :P.

Suffice to say that she was not too pleased about this... I don't know what happened afterwards.

2009-03-31T23:50:00.000+02:00

Being anorgasmic

Could not reaching an orgasm for women be physiologic and not psychological?

"They did these tests in women who didn't have orgasms and they found that these nerves were different or weakened in the women who had no orgasms. There was a physiological difference between women who could have orgasms and women who couldn't have orgasms. In other words, there was something different about them"

That's what the article implies here.

Any feedback from the readers experience ?

2009-03-27T16:53:00.003+01:00

Um Rayed's visit to her son abroad!

Rayed is studying abroad and his mum has come to visit him. To her surprise she is also greeted by his roomate Natasha. The rest to be followed in Arabic...

ما عرفت شو تساوي بس لاحظت إن (ناتاشا ) اللي متشاركة مع ولدها بالغرفه حلوة
... و جذابة... ،،،
فـتوقعت إن في علاقة بينهم ، وهالشي خلاها تحس بالفضوووووول الشديد .........

رائد قدر يقرا أفكار أمه، و تصرف بسرعة، وقال لأمه : أنا عارف شو اللي قاعده
بتفكري فيه،
بس حبيت أطمنك إني انا و ناتاشا مجرد زملاء، متشاركين بالغرفه لا أكثر ولا أقل

المهم بعد فترة رجعت أم رائد على بيتها
بعد شي أسبوع ... ناتاشا قالت لرائد : من يوم سافرت أمك من عنا و أنا
فاقده الطاسه الفضيه تبعت السكر ... تعتقد أمك خذتها معاها ؟
رائد قال : أشك بهالشي، بس خليني أرسل لها أيميل عشان أتأكد ، قعد و كتب
الإيميل لأمه -

أمي الحبيبه:
أنا ما أقول إنك ( أخذتي ) طاسة السكر الفضية من بيتي ... ولا أقول إنك (ما
خذيتيها )،
بس الحقيقه إن الطاسة الفضيه تبعت السكر ضاعت من أول ما رجعتي الأردن .
تحياتي ...
رائد

بعد كم يوم ، وصل له رد أمه على الإيميل و الرد يقول :
عزيزي رائد:
أنا ما أقول إنك ( تنام ) مع ناتاشا، ولا أقول إنك (ما تنام ) معاها ...
بس الحقيقه تقول ..
إن لو هي تنام على سريرها الخاص، كان لقت طاسة السكر الفضيه عليه من أول ما
رجعت أنا للأردن.

تحياتي . أمك يا حمار

2009-03-24T22:14:00.000+01:00

The path to true love

"Novak states no amount of speed-dating, set-ups or online questionnaires will help you find a good love match until you deal with your own issues. You have to find yourself before you can find love" [read rest of article here]

I think I finally found an answer to my mistakes :P

Have you found yours ?

2009-03-21T15:54:00.004+01:00

Happy Mother's Day,

It's both children's day and mothers' day in Libya this weekend so all of us are taking mum and our kids out.

Have a fun and happy day !

2009-03-08T15:00:00.002+01:00

Kissing = Bonding

I have always been thinking that the 'secret ingredient' of great sex is kissing, kissing and more kissing but I needed something scientific to prove it. Apparently there has been research on the issue and it was found that saliva exchange through kissing 'increases sex drive'. Thanks On the Edge for showing me that my hunch has been true all along :)

She posted a great article from Live Science magazine about it here.

In my opinion, the increased sex drive not only helps to satisfy the body and work towards that 2 minute orgasm :P but I believe that those long kisses somehow affect your whole being to the point where the earth actually moves, your world shatters, your knees buckle, your heart flutters and you almost faint ? And don't tell me that's what you get during a one night stand or a passing affair.

I suggest you go back to smooching the way you did in highschool ;) or on the dancefloor as we see in old movies to regain that feeling. Advice : don't stop kissing because for the men that's how you will be able to move that woman by remote control, or satisfy her emotional need (from My Personal Space blog). Then in your eyes she will become a Venus (breasts and all) and in her eyes you will become a superman (dragon, muscles and all).

Kissing is the secret glue for love .. is that not ? or am I a romantic idiot ?

2009-03-05T18:15:00.001+01:00

Is it really true ?

One of my readers sent me this by email! (thanks T). I was wondering if men really wish for such a device - and if women could what would they put in this remote?

2009-02-27T15:01:00.003+01:00

The Politics of Love

The first week at university is the week where you not only learn about the building and the campus and make friends but it is the one during which you receive an induction about life.

For me it was the third day that was most significant, that was the day when 5 or 6 girls took me aside and told me that if you don't secure a guy from the beginning you are not going to get married anytime soon. Violet! they said forget about honesty and love and play the game, don't be too smart even if you are in a faculty were only the smartest are accepted, if you like someone don't show it yet at the same time pay attention to him, feign innocence even if you want to go to bed him there and then. Say no all the time not in the name of morality and purity but just so he can think you are pure and virginal. At least if you want to marry him. If you follow this prescription you will get any man for keeps. Libyan men don't really care if you love them or not, all they care about is if you tick the right trigger points in their imagination.

I thought that was such a cynical piece of advice, but with hindsight I would say it does not only apply to Libyan men but probably all men. I find it sad that one needs to play a game to be with a man you love and know you are right for him and he right for you.

All those girls ended up married just after they graduated even though they dated several guys at the same time.

Then I read a post by Shams-she has made the same observation about the advice those girls gave me.

"You were brought up with virtues of honesty, bravery and principles, but when the heartache begins, you know that you offered the utmost idealism and honesty of all, and you forgot war is man, and man is war of contradictions...you think attraction is spontaneous, and all the natural chemistry of two civilized beings, you mistaken, attraction is politics of hide and seek and the use of imagination to obstruct reality...Reality for man does not see romance in daylight, only through beams of illusions [...] you want your heart to speak in truth, you want your hands to stretch in liberty to his use, you want to reach deep in your feminine side, you want to give and give and love... I then apologize for your idealists shortcoming for he is an animal, he would not understand truthful civilization, he wants the game, the challenge, the risk, the caveman life... the exception are only for the enlightened, kind ones, and you can count few, almost a myth .[sic]"

Those enlightened men are rare and far between one can almost forget about them just like my legendary dragon. I still have not learned to play the game, and I refuse to play it.

2009-02-13T13:50:00.003+01:00

The White Tigress and The Dragon's Tail

Reading Ian Kerner's Passionista, "or the empowered woman's guide to enjoying sex to the fullest—and ensuring that he does the same", I collected some cute tips. Whilst a lot of the information provided is not new :) , the method of presentation was fun and extremely user friendly. The conclusion is that the orgasm is not as important as the journey towards it. That journey is defined by each one of us. The successful woman is the one who overcomes her man's inhibitions and tendency to take shortcuts.

But the most interesting bit I was introduced to was the concept of the White Tigress. These are allegedly the teachings of a long extinct secret society of Taoist sexual warriors. I confess I don't know what that means -a sexual warrior-, is that a spy or a gangster group of old times?

For the White Tigress , Eros basically maintains eternal youth and life energy. She could get it in two ways, both involving a male consort

(1) the one she seduces: the Green Dragon ( in modern words her playtoy :P)
(2) an equal partner: the Jade Dragon ( whom she pleasures and derives pleasure from)

The way of the White Tigress reminds me of the Kama Sutra, Tantric Love and other related topics with a mix of martial arts.

Googling White Tigress throws up some gems and some hometruths:

"The Feminine Heart flourishes in love. Yet attracting trustworthy male energy, attracting friends, or lovers who have a strong sense of direction and purpose may seem difficult to find these days. Many women have spent years developing their own individuality and strength to the point where they have become tired of “doing it all”. Their own natural Feminine Heart has become masculinized, guarded and unsatisfied in love. For a woman to know deeper levels of intimacy, she needs to understand, reclaim and learn how to be at home in the beauty and power of her natural feminine essence." Amara [source].

How many women identify with the above? I'm curious for your input..

Applied in the modern world, the principle if I understand well is for a woman to take her life in her own hands like a White Tigress not to wait for things to happen to be fulfilled.
A modern passionista will 'learn to find the Green Dragon and the Jade Dragon in the same guy' [page 105].

A question for my male readers which type of dragon are you? As for my female readers have you found that dragon ? or is he a legendary being :P

2009-01-08T21:44:00.004+01:00

Love and midlife crisis ....illusion or truth?

She could not pinpoint the exact time when she started thinking that maybe love between a man and a woman does not exist.

Maybe it is a firmament of our imagination? or maybe she had lost the capacity to love? It all felt numb in the heart area or wherever that part was that made her feel warm and tingly and hopeful about life.

Love felt like something distant, a legend, something that was constantly ahead of her. It's as if she was running after a mirage and each time she thought she held it, the image would melt between her fingers.
Was this what they called midlife crisis or was she experiencing some form of early menopause?

It was tragic because she was incapable of discerning a man's love anymore. She was not talking about the physical longings, but about feelings and emotions. There was a void and a hollowness and as a result she felt trapped in a sound proof transparent room. She could see him but she couldnt hear him...

2008-12-23T12:01:00.003+01:00

In the eye of the beholder

It has been such a busy period, with Pearl taking up all my time. Watching her daily develop her reading, writing and maths skill is a joy. We also enjoy the learning videos toghether and just striving to answer the questions that her little curious mind comes up with is a full time job.

But I want to give her the best possible start in life and that does not come without a price tag on it.

This old drawing is how little Pearl sees me :) I can actually see a resemblance but I guess that beauty is truely in the eye of the beholder! At least though she thinks I'm number one !!!

2008-10-05T01:54:00.007+02:00

Never met a lady like you

Sometime last August the phone rang, I expected it to be him because his birthday was coming up and he usually always calls me around that time. It was A as I expected but he was calling because his grandmother passed away and he wanted to share this with me.

I knew Mammy Eve very well, she had come to our house to ask for my hand for her grandson. She was a strong personality and her household ran like clockwork until she fell ill.
It was sad that Mammy Eve died that was one more link to the past that has been severed. There is a photo of me sitting next to her at A's cousin's wedding and we all look so happy...

I knew how much she meant to A - I mean she brought him up. He was asking should he travel home even though she was already buried? and I told him no- there is no need, stay with your wife and children. He then wished me a Ramadan Mbarak and hung up.

During Eid the phone rang again and I knew it was A this time; only he calls at these weird hours, so getting a call at 3.00 AM my time meant it was him in America. I hung up on him as I did not know what to say at 3 in the morning...tonight he calls again at 1.00 AM and I decide to answer.

He: Eid Mubarak Violet
Me: kol am we enta bikheir A.
He: I know it's late, I'm sorry but you are always on my mind and I wanted to wish you a happy Eid. Let me speak English a bit with you my dear. I miss you very much, do you even miss me at all ?
Me: hmm sorry A this is embarassing and we've been through this before, hope your kids and family are all well.
He: don't get me wrong please- I'm not talking about the flesh, I miss your sweet soul, I have never seen a lady like you in my whole life even though I have met many women after you left me..including my wife.. you are just different. There is this sweetness that I cannot describe and the voice I can never forget. Please allow me to remain near you at least in thought. Do you ever regret breaking up? What would have happened if you married me ?
Me: No regrets I said hesitantly because if I married you, you would not be where you are now and I would not have achieved what I have now.
He: I would give that up gladly to be with you again. I have grown more and I would like to have you in my life to be my mentor if nothing else will you be that please? I need you ...
Me: sure as long as I live if you need help I will help you but now I really need to hang up it's getting late..
He: I love you Violet, always did, always will.. the time is not erasing it like you promised it would. Wife, children, hectic life beat in the West, studies and responsibilities are not deleting a single sound bite from the track in my mind ... Please know that in me you have a trustworthy person if you ever felt like talking about anything that worries or bothers you just let me know...
Me: Ok good night A.

It's actually very weird that he phoned, as I've been finding myself extremely emotional lately, wanting to talk but not sure who to talk with anymore. Female best friends were too busy with their own lives and anyway they are probably not too interested to talk to their single friend Violet. Probably afraid I will jinx their happy family or something.

I can't expect him to be available all the time either as he already does so much for me so no need to drag him back when he needs to move on with his life especially that my stories are not earth shattering but just ordinary blues resulting from love deprivation. But I've been feeling melancholic lately and I did recall A and allow myself to think "what if"? would life have been different ? Should I have been more patient? He did love me sincerely that was sure . He also did not care about my age and even now 10 years and a kid later he still thinks I'm the prettiest Libyan girl. Love must be blind.

While on the topic of phone calls, he too called me the day before but at a more decent hour of course. Just wanted to wish me Eid Mubarak.

Life is really ironic, everyone remembered all the special occasions and got in touch except for one person. Maybe he does not see me as the unique lady described by the others :P - mind you I am aware that the others do have a life of their own ....

Hey if this post does not make sense and you feel it is mixing up too many unrelated stories, don't blame me ! Blame Bollywood, I have been overdosing on Zee Aflam movies for the last couple of months to the extent that I'm back thinking that true love, soul mates, sacrifice etc.. actually exist...and that people will burst instantly into singing. Piyar Piyar, tumhare muhabbat ke he ...Damnit I caught myself talking in Hindi/Urdu now too .... :))

2008-09-27T02:40:00.003+02:00

Children and white hair….

Baby Pearl is no longer a baby; she has grown into a beautiful six year old little girl, tall and coltish with curly brown hair, big curious eyes and a naughty smile. Today she looks pretty in her new gold bracelets, earrings, necklace, and ring that we bought together for the Eid. Her Eid dress is ready and the new shoes as well but what she loves most are her brand new school items and stationery all emblazoned with her favourite character Marie cat.

The search for a good school has ended, I’ve been comparing schools and establishments, private, public and foreign for the past year and I’ve finally found the most suitable one which Pearl will be joining in October.

Looking at my daughter I sometimes feel the urge to hug her and cry. When you have a child you cannot stop worrying, you want what is best for your child and you are full of fear because at every stage there is something that can go wrong. If you feel rested that you are past the nappy change phase and the kid can walk and talk you have other things to worry about apart from childhood diseases.

In this horrible and messed up world I find myself worrying about pedophiles, about whether the kids at school will be healthy and not pass on hepatitis to my child. I find myself worrying about bullying, about children sexually abusing each other or even what would be my attitude if this happens.

Parenting is very difficult and not having her dad around is even worse. Everyday I worry if I’m doing the right thing, and I wonder how can families that have more than one child cope ? It must be so difficult.. I mean just deciding on the school has taken so much effort. Arabic or English, state or private? Morning or afternoon? School bus or not ? Can I trust the school bus driver? Can I trust the teachers with my child?

I also worry about the rumours regarding organ harvesting as apparently there is a rich trade taking place accross the Algerian border too and from their to Europe. I also worry about the illegals who are allegedly kidnapping and selling the children for Voodoo practices.

The world has changed so much since I was a child; I never thought I would be worrying about such things in an Arab or Muslim country. I guess this is a collateral damage from globalisation?

All this worrying has given me now my first white hairs… sigh children are such a blessing but now I cannot rest until Pearl is grown up and married.

I hope you had a great Ramadan and I wish you Eid Mubarak in a couple of days.

2008-08-29T17:39:00.004+02:00

Did not feel the time pass

Yesterday as I was driving back home in the late afternoon, a white SUV started following me. Its driver was trying his best to get my attention and as I usual in such recurrent situation with male drivers/stalkers I totally ignored him.

This time the guy was persistent and he kept trying to get on my left and right side, and opened the window. Curiosity was eating at me to be honest and I wanted to steal a glimpse -against my principles. So next time he managed to wedge his car between mine and the one on my right, I looked at his profile for a fraction of a second with the side of my eye. Not sure how I managed this Olympic feat, but I felt the shadow I had seen was somewhat familiar. I thought it could be the brother of one of my childhood friends or even one of our neighbors who somehow needed me for something urgent.

Then as his insistence to stop me did not waiver I looked again boldly this time and he smiled from ear to ear and waved cheekily. Still my brain which never forgets a face was trying to process this information while I was focusing on the road. When from a distant and hazy past I recalled that someone looking like him could have been my work colleague and friend at my first job back in 1989. "Was it possible?" I asked myself, the label for his name is totally eradicated from my mind but his face was 100% him. As I realized who he was I touched the automatic button to roll down my window and turned to him. That's when he told me "so you finally remembered me Violet?"." Oh my God I said it is you , but your hair is so white .." .

We stopped our respective cars on the side of the road and he stepped down to come and speak to me. "I'm sorry" I said extending my hand to him in greeting, I don't stop or look at men when they follow me. " I realized" he said "but there was no way to get your attention and I was going to follow you home, I have not seen you for over ten years now and so I was not going to let this coincidence go. So how have you been? I can't believe it girl you have fleshed out and become so beautiful, you haven’t changed a bit.". I laughed and thanked him "is that your way of saying diplomatically that I gained weight and that I'm fat?" "Oh no ", if it’s possible I think you are prettier then when I first met you, this suits you better..."

Anyway I looked at him and noticed the lines and the full mane of grey hair yet he was only 6 years younger than me and I wondered is that how I look to my contemporaries now, old? The way I am seeing him? He does not seem to think so…

I asked him how he was doing because last time I ran into him in the Souq El Moushir in 2001, I was shopping for my brother's wedding and he was with his mother and aunt shopping for gold gifts for his bride to be. He said that he had taken my advice, gone back to university, completed a degree and then went into the private business and is now doing very well and has traveled the world. He feels older and wiser and his only regret was marrying before finishing these things because now he realized that his relationship is simply going on because of the three children he had since. I told him not to regret marriage as he had done the right thing, he has family and someone to continue his bloodline and that I was happy he did listen to me and gone on to study. The way to success was to have your degree in your pocket and then you could venture in the world and do anything you want even if unrelated to your line of study because you were armed with knowledge and methodology and those are skills not easy to obtain unless you are perseverant.

I was slightly embarrassed, I mean the guy already a few minutes into the conversation and he unashamedly admits that he finds me attractive. I know he always had a soft spot for me. Since the day he was my 'confidante', back in the days when I was naïve and thought nothing of sharing with a Libyan man my love for and disappointment with another man. He was there when my first love broke my heart and the only person I found to turn to for comfort was him. I stood up from my desk that day and went to him and said "could you please just hug me for two minutes? I don't think I can bear the pain otherwise". I still remember vividly how he got up, wrapped his arms around me, put my head on his chest and stroked my hair and whispered that it was going to be all right. It was brief not even two minutes but I felt him trembling and I felt him being aroused. That was when I realized that his friendship has over the months turned into attraction (I don't know about love). Anyway I am grateful for his hug because it was the right thing to do at the right time even if he must have thought I had broken all conventions and cultural taboos. His hug helped me push down the pain that my first love had inflicted on me with his total insensitivity and which I am still struggling to get over with.

So now he was standing in front of me 20 years after that hug and I am sure he was remembering it as well. I was not sure though what he was thinking, because for me it had no sexual connotations apart from the same reassurance that I could get from a female friend and which I did not have at that time, but he did express his wish to meet up for a cup of coffee.

At some level it does feel flattering to be remembered and recognized at first glance name and all and also to know that you are still attractive physically and don't look one bit my 40+.

2008-08-21T18:52:00.003+02:00

Dying of Regret

Today's story is written by my reader and friend Mafkoud he sent it to me right after this post . It's finally time to share. I have given it a title and done some very minor editions to some typing errors. Thanks Mafkoud for this pretty story and for volunteering.

I was a normal average being once, now what I mostly do is talk to the shadows, and the funny thing is I know they are shadows. I try to push them away shout at them but they keep coming, when I remember how it all started I can not stop longing for that day that face that smile....

It was a rainy day, with the help of some wind little rain can be a real curse, I gave up my umbrella when I recognized the emptiness of my cigarette packet, and the umbrella was useless anyway...

I was late for work already, I had a meeting which must be starting without me now, and all I think about is a fag I need to smoke if I want to keep going. Within like 200 yards I spotted this shop 2 blocks away from the building I work in. The choice to get in the shop did not take time but I hated myself for that and reflected the hatred on all the beings around me.

She was on her knees, I saw her rare as one of natures rare perfections, her jeans were a bit lower than where they should be and in the gap I lose my senses for a moment.. I freeze for a while then remember why i was here, it was so easy to gain back all the darkness and negativity as it always was, except when she turned to me smiling I was a fire faced with a sudden splash of water, she was in her early twenties may be four or five years younger than me, her eyes were pure yet not simple, she must have been through some roughness, I mean .. hell she works as a shop girl!!. All that did not really matter, what was disturbing me is her annoying smile, Damn !!! People do not smile unless for a hell of good reason, hell!! Where is her reason this smiley cow she is stupid enough to smile with no reason I can see, and she seems like she means it....

Her voice came softly though "sorry, would you wait for a second? I will be right with you" she said. I replied with silence, there is a reason for her smile after all, she wants her customer to wait till her highness find the time to deal with my humble request.. but no that does not fit, these smiles which have become a second nature to me are like a lamp light no matter how bright they are there is no warmth in them, her smile was as warm as the mid July sun... the equation is not balanced here this is not a creature I can understand...I waited for seconds till she was available "so sorry how can I help you" she said, I avoided her face for a second but I got caught in the sea of her eyes, different smile as genuine as the first but flavoured with a bit embarrassment, my voice came out harsh as if I am punishing her for a sin I am not sure about its nature "cigarettes.." I said ... "Marlboro" I clarified a second later.

She turned to give me the packet and I was relieved to escape her eyes, when she turned back I had the money ready, I want to spend no more time than I needed to with this blue eyed thing, I gave her the money half angry... she thanked me and greeted me in some way, I replied with an impatient smile and went for the door.

I lit a cigarette and went back to my life, at first I was puzzled what could be behind her smiles what could make a shop girl happy? the more I thought about her the angrier I became, she is a stupid cow smiling for no reason I might be jealous of her, or curious about her but what ever state I was in it had no weight compared to the longing I had for these smiles, I was a future junkie who had just had his first dose.......

The second day and many days after, I came to her shop even if my cigarettes had not finished yet, ready with the money, with time a have grown accustomed to her I like to feel that I know something about her, I spent my nights thinking and analysing her, today she is happier, she might have a new lover or may be it is just me being paranoid I mean even if she does, why should I care I do not even know her name, and then it hit me like a flash of light... I need a name for her asking her name was out of question so I named her, I called her Jasmine, how pathetic is that, the days I passed by her and she was not as happy as usual, that brought me back to earth, after all she is human is not she and humans can not smile everyday do not they, but even though she had that magic that made her float as if she came from another world. what power is it that makes you float even in your sorrowful Jasmine?? what power.....

It took only days for me to notice James, he is a mid fifties homeless who stood not far away from Jasmine's shop, before that James was just another object in my path to work, I never gave him any attention and now we share Cigarettes, I even bought him a takeaway lunch once, one day he told me all about how he was a electrician some years ago and about his wife who cheated on him and how he lost everything, he said to me the only good friends in this world are the bottle and those who would offer it, what was weird about James he always greeted people passing him, some replied and some do not even look back at him.

I spent my lunch hours with James, and every now and then I was thinking what the hell is wrong with me, summer was coming and April used to be just another month but some how colours and smells gave me new sensations, it is funny how a silly pack of Marlboro can change your life.

Every now and then I was thinking to ask Jasmine her real name, I even had a daydream that she will tell me that her real name is Jasmine I do not know how I would react if that had happened

It was strange phase I was passing by, a Dreamy one, but as any dream it has to stop at some point to wake up not in the happily ever after but in your cold room late for work again with 2 month late rent. the waking up was so painful... it was in mid July almost six month after I first met Jasmine, the heat of the Summer was getting to my day dreams ... and then there was that crash, a drunk rriver crashed directly into Jasmine's shop, the first thing I thought was who would be drunk at noon, then I noticed the crowd, the police have not arrived yet. I could not help noticing that the sunny sky got grey in my eyes. people trying to help, shouting about a leakage in the fuel tank, that was the last thing I remember before turning and going back to work... no questions no answers every word can be as heavy as hell. I do not remember how I got to my desk but I do remember that when I got there my mind was set “I will never pass by this road again ....” and I never did.

It takes few more minutes to get to work avoiding Jasmine's shop, and for a month I was fine. But then she started to visit in my dreams, with her usual smile, it was pleasant to see her face again. but she never said a word, I never gave her a chance before, even when she started these small conversations I always ended them as fast as possible and cold as possible, if I gave her a chance to talk back then she might have said something in my dreams. Jasmine that's not even your real name why you did not try harder to talk to me, why could you not see the longing under my stupidity....
Then a few days after the first dream, I saw her walking in the street once, I called after her I shouted Jasmine !! Before realizing that even if she was Jasmine she would not know if I was calling for her. I ran after her and I grabbed her by the arm I was sure that she was My Jasmine. The lady looked surprised, I apologized before turning back she was not Jasmine and I need a Doctor. That was the day I knew that my mental state is at question and it only got worse since then. I could not go to a doctor, what if I am cured and I do not see her again, after all this,no matter how stupid it is, is the only thing I have left of her... even worse what if he asks me to go to the shop to see what came of her, I can not go there again what if somebody else is there in her place, or even worse what if she was hurt and she was not herself again.... NO NO that is not an option.. no risks! She has died and that's that, the sorrow of the lost is much more bearable than the crash of the hope.

In my dark room I sat everyday, all grumpy, why did not I ask her name? why do not I check? For all I know she could be alive and well. all I have to do is go there and ask for god sake... but when her face came to visit I was relieved she did not ask me hard questions, she just smiles for a while and then disappears. They say if you lose your arm for a while you will still feel it is there, they call it the ghost feeling; now I have my own ghost feeling in my own way.......

The other day James visited me in my day dreams, I missed the guy but he was part of Jasmine's world and in this world I would never step in again, James talked a lot, and I was happy he did. But before he left he asked about her, the shop girl he called her, I did not know what to say so I did not reply. For the first time James had a look of pity in his eyes, it was only for a moment before he disappeared as Jasmine does.

Now here I am Doctor begging to you to fix me, all I want is to be normal again to be with out ghosts, because if they do not stop I will kill myself I am telling you that, this is a what I am going to do .....and do not tell me to go to her shop please !!!

My commment : basically don't let the chance pass when it smiles you in the face or you will live to regret it.

2008-07-12T12:16:00.003+02:00

Coffee & Salt sprinkled with a dose of LOVE

Readers always send me such lovely emails and some of them include me on their mailing lists. Which is why sometimes I come accross interesting messages. One of them is this little story. It is corny and it is probably translated into English as I discern some anomalies. Nevertheless it is still touching ...enough said here it is :)

He met her on a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, while he so normal, nobody paid attention to him. At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but due to being polite, she promised.
They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please,let me go home.... suddenly he asked the waiter. 'would you please give me some salt? I'd like to put it in my coffee.' Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red, but still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it. She asked him curiously; why you have this hobby? He replied: 'when I was a little boy, I was living near the sea, I like playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there'. While saying that tears filled his eyes.

She was deeply touched.. That's his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can tell out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has responsibility of home. Then she also started to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story. They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets all her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful. He was such a good person but she almost missed him! Thanks to his salty coffee!

Then the story was just like every beautiful love story , the princess married to the prince, then they were living the happy life... And, everytime she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee, as she knew that's the way he liked it.

After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said:
'My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie. This was the only lie I said to you---the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt It was hard for me to change so I just went ahead.I never thought that could be the start of our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you for anything.. Now I'm dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth: I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste.. But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life! Since I knew you, I never feel sorry for anything I do for you.. Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my whole life. If I can live for the second time, still want to know you and have you for my whole life,even though I have to drink the salty coffee again'.

Her tears made the letter totally wet.Someday, someone asked her: what's the taste of salty coffee? It's sweet. She replied.

Love is not to forget but to forgive, notto see but to understand, not to hear but to listen, not to let go but to HOLD ON !!!! Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.

Find one, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

Who calls you back when you hang up on him.

Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, '...that's her.'

2008-04-30T19:18:00.002+02:00

Online dating tips for men and women

Browsing Yahoo website you come accross lots of interesting advice, among which are dating tips. since I'm writing chronicles about online dating I thought it would be fun to include these tips and see if all of you have made some of the mistakes listed.

Tips for men
Tips for women

2008-04-05T14:14:00.009+02:00

Love is hard: epilogue and new beginning

I think you've all been patient enough so let's get on with this story (for newcomers you have to read part I first) .

They met online in the 90s and for years kept in touch on a daily basis by all the modern means available. They loved each other without saying it, they laughed together and maintained a beautiful relationship across the seas, the miles and the time zones. There was some kind of unwritten agreement that they won't ask for each others personal information including photos until they met in real life. It was mostly from her side she wanted to see whether he would like her for her personality or other attributes. She wanted to know whether love is for the soul or for more worldly matters. She thought he was very mature for his age.They invested in their love until they met physically. They supported each other, he was a Libyan guy fil ghurba and she was a Libyan girl feeling a kind of ghurba in her own country.

She would think every night before going to sleep. "Thank you God for showing me this wonderful human specimen!". It felt great to talk to him in Arabic, in our Libyan patois and at the same time switch to English and know he will understand. It felt good knowing he shared her interests and they got along so well as friends because it did start as a friendship. She loved his accent and even more when he would lapse into the thicker one.

Then he came back home for a visit and the phone was practically glued to their ears. "The phone company should give us a discount they would joke." Whatever information they had kept from each other was revealed and among that her age. – She felt or maybe imagined that love was consolidated even more, but was it really? Little did she know that dark forces were at play here. His love like his frankness were clear and an integral part of their relationship.

So after her 'revelation' he admitted that he had had his doubts about her age when they used to talk but was hoping the gap won't be that much. Then he said "I love you habibti- you are the first love- maybe even the last one but I won't marry you". Though an eternity ago those words resonate in her head and she cannot delete them.

That night he explained his point while she listened till dawn break. "I have other plans and these plans as much as this may hurt me and you now do not include someone your age. If you were two or even five years older than me I would have risked it and faced the situation but I cannot go through this. The tribe, the society, the family and the neighbours will put my family in an awkward and embarrassing position. Look at Karim they would say he could not get a girl his age so he married one 10 years his senior …. Why did he need to do this?'

With every sentence her heart kept sinking, but she clung to the hope that since he still had not seen her he may change his mind. Then he continued "there are other things to take into consideration, I want children, and at 44 you may not be able to provide them. Women age faster than men and you are closer in age to my aunts and mother than to my sisters, it will be hell for you. It crossed my mind once or twice to live with you outside Libya. But I decided no I want to live in my city and I want an ordinary life with a simple woman. Why should I go through with life and make things unnecessarily complicated? It is compatibility I seek not love. I have to be wise; I can't afford to follow my heart, or cripple myself in life" .

"So you do love me she asked? " - "Yes I do habibti, which is why I'll promise you this: I promise to delay my marriage until I know you are settled, happy and married off to a good man." She agreed because she loved him, by then they were so smitten and she so love struck that it felt they were man and woman. It was heavenly this attraction which she felt transcended the physical because they never had seen each other physically. She did not know the colour, texture or scent of his skin, he did not know the taste of her lips but he knew that like the orchid she would open up to his touch. She went to her job during the day with a mysterious smile permanently there on her face. She was secure that he was hers for now, nothing else mattered. They had a covenant.

It was amazing to witness how in love he was. She was happy too, he was healing her past trauma and she became open to finding a comfortable happiness with another man. She was no longer shutting doors in the face of Libyan men . There were two of them she thought would make good husband material. She wanted to ask him how to encourage them to seek her out 3ala sunnat allah wa rasuluh, especially that she was actively seeking to do some matchmaking for him. Their relationship was really comfortable that way.

She was settled and relaxed, a woman in love and loved, a woman fulfilled. She had her criteria about men but with him she really did not care if he turned out to be not one bit like the physical man of her dreams. Why ? not because she was not going to marry him anyway but because love is not just chemistry and sex. You love the person who gives you all the confidence and strength in this world. The man gives that to the woman and the woman to the man. That's how you face life even when you are not actually physically together, that's why you feel comfortable together and that's how you know everything will be all right because you have each other.

Though she did not think that age is an obstacle, she accepted his choice more so because of the covenant and this giving to each other. They enjoyed each other's presence too much. She also loved him very much and seeing him so fulfilled was a joy and as much as she knew that it won't last forever with her and that he would be spending real physical nights and days with another woman one day she was content that he was more than her best friend. He is someone she could denude her soul to and know he would understand. She never stopped to think that another woman would not have accepted this sacrifice; another woman would have thought she was being used. She knew she was not though. She was counting the hours up to their face to face meeting.Then they met ………and the abstraction became reality!

She thought he was not classically handsome, but he was so virile with a cute smile and tender eyes. Though he was shorter than her, his personality made him seem so tall. It was so hard for her to keep away from touching him yet shyness was killing her. Despite her age she felt sixteen and was giggling like an idiot while simultaneously trembling in his presence. She almost fainted when the auras of their twin souls touched each other.

Their love-story developed and when he went away again she spent every hour that was not related to work or some chore with him online or over the phone. She bloomed and even if she was not pretty, her cheeks became rosy, her eyes bright, skin and hair glowing, her lips red.. He showed such care and devotion, international phone calls, advice, trying to smooth any problem she may face and this worked because it was exactly what he promised to do, i.e love and cherish and take care and he was doing it more beautifully every day. She would entertain a glimmer of hope sometimes that things may evolve but she never allowed it to take root because they had a covenant and she had accepted his decision and his point of view.

Then one day a family issue prevented her from being as available as before to him. When things quieted down he confessed that he had met another girl and was in contact with her. She felt hurt and betrayed regardless of the fact that she always knew they would not marry. She thought it would not hurt, but it did. It was shockingly a deja vu situation, reminiscent of the past when every time she would be 'away' the man who had promised' eternal' love would go with another woman.

Karim had been hurt by the other woman which is why he had turned to her, they were first and foremost best friends. Through her daze she never flinched in her support that night. It was only the next day that the shock nested in. She simply was not expecting it to come so soon. She would not lay blame and then negate his good deeds for another man's fault that had left her so hypersensitive. She was hurt because she wanted to be his accomplice of sort when he met a woman. That's how she dreamt it would be. She planned to tzagheret on his wedding; God knows how much her heart would burst from happiness. But she was now so hurt at being taken by surprise as he brought out that old accumulated pain and fear of betrayal the fear that she could never turn her back without the object of love doing something that would hurt her. Part of it was largely unfair to him but the pain was compounded by the fact that she was older and he had made her aware of that very much in his attempt to drill into her head why they were not suited for each other. For the first time in her life she felt old, ugly and undesirable. She felt very much aware of the years that have flown past. She was alone, with no companion and no child. Most of her peers were married and busy with their lives, and the hope for her was fading day by day unless she wanted to settle for a jerk or be someone's third wife. She felt pity for the first time for herself.He almost shattered her self confidence, yet she was lucid enough to know it was not intentional. He has always been honest and logical but online, we give the other all sorts of attributes regardless of how much we think we know them, they are still idealized and romanticized and in a way misunderstandings can happen and secret wishes can be harboured. After all you don't know a person until you've lived or travelled with them and this applies for friends and relationships.

Life goes on and they were both wise not to destroy a perfectly ideal friendship. Because time is a great healer she was able to put the experience behind her and move on just like he had done. As much as he loved her, the ten year age gap was obviously too much to be bridged which meant he did not love her enough! Instead of being hurt she should be grateful as this was not the man she was looking for – she wanted an unconditional timeless love.

When they met again, this new meeting lasted longer allowing her to digest things slower. He was great fun to be with and they laughed so much. So she ended up having her closure when she discovered it was just a heavy infatuation from her side compounded by the web. It could have gone either way love or friendship. They were pilgrim souls who met and recognized each other and were there for each other in time of need. They will still help each other as siblings but he was NOT her man. Her man was out there just within reach and she better keep her heart, mind and soul open not to miss him again and waste precious time.

In conclusion, was it betrayal ? you bet … did it hurt ? sure …any regrets? None!
It is a necessary experience in the general scheme of things and you learn more about yourself and the fact is that you need not only to love the other person selflessly but also to love yourself even more. Libyan blogger Litazia has made a complete blog about love and ' How to have a healthy relationship and maintain it'; a lot of wise words in there garnered from experience !

The main point that struck me in this story is does age really matter? Does being over 30 erase the chance of the woman with an Arab guy in general and a Libyan one in particular?When do you seize to be considered as a complete woman. Is fertility confined to age only? is fertility really that specific and only the domain of women? Aren't children gifts from God which he partakes to whom he wishes? So many questions.

2008-02-21T22:38:00.002+01:00

Like a Phenix or not?

My shiny little heart got dropped a fewt imes. It broke a few times. It bled a few times. But I never stopped playing with it. Every time I picked up the broken pieces and with the resin of perseverance connected them together. I washed the dirt of hate and resentment from the pieces that had fallen to the ground and let bloodsoaked pieces dry out under the sun and in the fresh air till they turned a lovely shade of crimson.

Since the last time it got dropped , the blood has coagulated and only a massive transfusion would save it.

2008-02-17T09:24:00.001+01:00

Letting go of happiness

"I believe so many of us love to feel the pain ,most of them don't admit it even to themselves...Every time i think really deep in the things i lost ,how i let those i cared about the most to go with out a fight ,how every time i had a real opportunity to hold happiness but i ran away like a maniac..When i think of these moments , a low voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that :It's u,u can't handle happiness,u feel like Sh**,but yet u are so afraid to feel happy.Why?because u believe life is not about getting what u want ,it ii simply that u like to feel the touch of vthe happiness ,just to enjoy pushing it away..I don't know if that applies to u ,but it Certainly applies to me. Thank u .The Citizen" [ref in comment section here]

The above comment falls right into the theme of this blog. Sadness, lost love, pain and betrayal with perhaps a light at the end of the tunnel.

Since my last posts many of you wrote to ask me whether I was competing for the 'tragic poet' title, or whether I got high on the feeling of heartbreak and other similar remarks.

I'm not sure why this bothers you gentlemen, I said at the onset: "hopeless romantic, veteran of unrequited love, still searching for her soulmate". I also said I'm writing fiction laced with some truth. You don't have to read this blog if you think it's too girly :P

Anyway I know you are impatient to read the rest of the story, but I'm a busy mum and Pearl has priority you just have to wait a little bit more. I promise it won't be long this time.

To get back to the Citizen's comment, I'm asking the readers why do we enjoy letting go of happiness...?

2008-02-02T22:46:00.001+01:00

The Good Men and the Bad Men

Sometimes when you are too engrossed in your own thoughts you need an outside opinion to make you change your thoughts ..this happened to me a few days ago when a male friend of mine helped me realize that I have been walking around with blinkers.

A guy's advice :

Not all men are bad

Never to find excuses for a man's mistake

No need to tolerate the bad behaviour.

2008-01-19T09:42:00.000+01:00

Love is hard : a long story

'I'm off to bed' he said.

Her heart was screaming no I want to talk to you. I want to make love and feel you inside me. I want to cry in your arms, be reassured and feel protected just like you promised. But she typed instead : 'Sure habibi everything will be allright- take care and good night!' ( it even rhymes)

Then she let out a primeval wail, breaking the dams in her heart, her eyes overflowed and she thought she would die from the pain that racked her in waves. Her whole body started shaking and she was immediately drenched in sweat. She wanted to crawl under a rock to die, but she died inside one more time. Why does she have to accept this, why should she accomodate him and forgive. He felt guilty, and he was guilty, treason is the ultimate dagger, betrayal is the worst thing one can do, and saying it was unintentional can never be an excuse as long as we have a brain and can make choices. Why should she absolve him so he can go and have a good life with a clean slate while she will remain with the memories and the shadows of a happier time, why make it easy on him? why ? because she loves him and he was banking on that.. He knows her too well....So, while he slept she left him an offline echoing an earlier text message he had sent her last time they met during his visit.

'I guess love IS hard'- then her fingers stopped in mid air as if thinking what to say and she resumed 'you were right yesterday that my downfall and yet most endearing trait is that I let the man feel safe that I wont nag for anything, not even for his love no matter how much I love him because of my stupid principles. Right now all I want to be doing is pillow talk'. She pressed the enter button and waited some more till the physical pain receded so she could actually think with a clear head.

Since then she has not been capable of any work, she sits long hours at the office pretending to carry on important tasks, she attends meetings as a shell because her soul has long since departed. She sits at her computer at home staring into space and wishing for a magic wand, she replies to questions with a resigned attitude. She is fading like a rose without water and her features reflect sadness.

Then she gets up, clenches her fist and thinks 'shame on you, your ancestors would turn in their grave- if they saw what a wimp you have become'. Is it worth fighting for this love? or should she walk away and turn her back - would she let someone else take him so easily after she had been a best friend, sister, mother and lover all in one? will it always be her destiny to hold the man she always pined for only briefly and have another woman take him when he was ready for the plucking? As if he was but a desert mirage.

To forgive or not ?- should that even be a question when one loves? The hurt and the anger says not to, but the part of her that loves him says - have mercy. But who will have mercy on her and comfort her?

If she takes away her forgiveness, professing it loud - he will be cursed like the others. Those men who in their selfishness in search for a two second orgasm killed a nascent dream.

In the past she used to griev, and tried to forget; convincing herself that her soulmate was still around the corner and that he would be the Prince on a white horse the companion of her old age. The man whose babies she will bear and who would be the one to bury her when she dies. Because she intended to die before him. The man with whom she could laugh and cry, an accomplice of some sort, with whom she could be silly- habla, and serious with whom even the silences where full of words. She would listen to his breathing while he slept and she would adore his snoring. She would tremble at the prospect of his touch and would send him cheeky messages if he was away thinking of the one thousand and one ways she would light up his life.

'Don't forgive !' says her friend, be angry, nag and threaten and tell him how much what he did hurts and is not right? 'Be the lady you have always been says' her head, 'keep cool and calm'and everything will fall into place.'

In the previous times, she never looked back until one day the cause of her pain would come and ask for forgiveness - it was an eerie experience and she felt sorry at the state he would be in. His momentary happiness not having lasted long, because breaking a heart or a promise is not easy matter. When she would see how that man she thought was a giant was reduced to a dwarf - she would say thank God I am not the one stuck to this guy. She would grant him forgiveness. This time around it's getting a bit more difficult, she is older and her memory not as elastic enough to blot out the pain. By forgiving she signs her death warrant- can she go through the same process of picking up the pieces on the path to heal her heart! She was young and frail before so she left without putting a fight or was it nasseeb so that she could meet him and he would break her heart too. But why does this need to happen? yes why ? He loves her he says and she loves him back .

She has decided not to exact vengence because that is a bitter medicine, she will forgive because her heart is bigger - because she is a real woman, made of flesh and blood and because she loves him and love requires the ultimate sacrifice- if you think that the object of your life would be happier without you then you learn to let go, even if you know that he is mistaken because his happiness lies with you...

are you getting confused ? come back again to read the stories and judge for yourself.

2008-01-17T16:47:00.000+01:00

Pearl's Wisdom

Feeling down lately I've been listening to Nancy Ajram's live album 'El Dounya Helwa' to cheer myself up, when I found myself automatically repeating track number 5- 'illi kan' again and again- but instead of cheering up I started crying.

The words are simply haunting :

اللي كان من قبلك انت
وانت مش جنبي مكنتش عايشة فيه
واللي حيكون بعدك انت لو ماكنتش جنبي
يا ريتني اموت قبليه
انت عارف حبك انت عملي ايه
شفت دنيا احلي م اللي حلمت بيه
مبقتش عارفة انا اتولدت من النهارده
ولا انا لو عشت قبلك عشت ليه ..
احلي حاجة ف عمري حصلت
لما جيت وقولتلي بتحبني
قولي ايه هتمني تاني بعد حبك
يا حبيبي ايه هيهمني
نفسي اعرف بس ايه بيربطني بيك
حاجة اكبر م الغرام شدتني ليك
مبقتش عارفة انا اتولدت من النهارده
ولا انا لو عشت قبلك عشت ليه ..

I then noticed Pearl standing next to me ... looking at me sadly with her big brown eyes and she said but mama : هو خلي يقعد جنبهاعشان ماتموتش
" mama why don't he stay by her side so she doesn't have to die". That was her answer to the refrain يا ريتني اموت قبليه . ... "whatever comes after you, if you are not by my side then may I die before that time comes".

Children understand more than we think and have such simple innocent but logical and true solutions away from all the accumulated prejudices that we acquire when we grow up.

For more Nancy lyrics go to this site.

2008-01-05T15:03:00.000+01:00

Story time

Two years ago, I said " If you want to share your story of whatever nature – even gossip at work- dear Libyan ( others are welcome as well) I’m prepared to post it and be discreet about its owner , it would only be for the edification of our readers, plus a problem shared is a problem halved". My inbox has overfilled, yet I've been too lazy to post more of your emails.

Since I fancy myself a novelist and aspiring writer - I'm going to share the ones I've collected with the other readers- so watch this space again as Violet is back !

2007-12-26T22:16:00.000+01:00

Taxis and love stories

Taxi drivers are the same anywhere in the world, and those in Libya do not differ from those in Bangkok it seems with their wish to talk with their customers. Either that or I must be attracting the weirdest characters.

Today since my car was scheduled to be serviced I decided to use a taxi for my various errands. I hailed a cab to return home and usually I like to make my phone calls in the car as this saves time. I left a message on my friend's answer machine and was telling Pearl on the other line that I will soon be home when the driver - let's call him X interrupts me :

Miss - I'd like to take your opinion about something that concerns me and which I believe that you can help me decide on...

me: go ahead

X: I work in a company - this driving thing is a part time job only to make ends meet- and I became involved with a colleague who is already engaged to someone.

me: OK

X: I mean nothing haram - but it started as a friendship and colleagues supporting each other at work and seems to have developped into caring for each other or maybe what they call love ( he is saying this really shyly) - I mean don' t take me wrong but I think I understood that the fiance was forced on her and well anyway now I cannot imagine myself without her.

me ( putting my sunglasses on to cover my eyes as I became uncomfortable) : OK so what can I do for you ?

X: well you see we kind of had a fight and now she is not picking up the phone and sometimes she does pick it up - and you know the more I don't talk to her the more I miss her.

me : OK - ( I guess he just wants someone to share his story with )

X : well - to be honest I love her very much and would marry her straight away if she breaks up her engagement.

me : how generous of you - ok so what's the problem ?

X: the thing is Im afraid that if I marry her I would not be able to help myself to doubt her..

me: now we're talking ..what do you mean?

X: well Im scared that I may be thinking that since she spoke to me while she was engaged she may talk to another man when we are married... are girls like that ? I mean you know you are one..

me : no I am not one , don't bring me as an example so what's your point ?

X: sorry no offense meant I just wanted your opinion - you females talk to each other and maybe you can give me some advice.

me: well this is not about me so don't drag me in it- but basically you love this woman to the point of wanting to marry her and yet despite that you are admitting you most likely will not trust her not to cheat on you since she is 'cheating' on the fiance she does not love even though all you are doing is talking ? and you want me to put your conscience at rest?
Sorry my advice - is twofold : (1) let her ditch her fiance and you marry her and live happily ever after and stop the evil thoughts since she was cheating to talk with you because you love each other or (2) stop all contact with her and let her get on with her life - you should not be involved romantically with a spoken for woman and to be honest she should not have been speaking with you either even if she does not care for her fiance. But leaving him to be with you will be a loss for since your love is no garantie that you will not ruin her life with your doubts. Therefore let her have the security with a man who obviously does wish to marry her.

X: I've thought about all that - but I miss her too much and I want her to start talking to me again as this makes me feel so much better. I'm lost without her in my life. At least let us get back to talking to each other and sharing problems etc...

me: seems to me you are selfish - you want your cake and to eat it? - you want to have the woman in your life because you have gotten used to her as a friend etc.. and you don't want to shoulder the responsibility of a wife, so you won't mind her being with the other man as long as you can have her whenever the whim to talk to her takes you ? wow

X: no - no but I cannot believe what she told me that she will never forget me if we are apart - is it true women don't forget ? I mean you know ...

me : no I don't know ... but if you both love each other than I'm sure like you can't forget her she can't forget you. However, you need to think straight about your objectives. If you want her as mother of your children and companion go get her and stop beating round the bush. If you want a platonic mistress for your own selfish reasons - even if you call that love- then stop it right now. Finally if you love her then you would do what is best for her! May God guide you in the right path my brother and pray to Him a lot. Can you please turn to the right here that's my street.

Now I'm wondering - do I have written on my face marriage counsellor ? His story is not unique it's a classic in Libya. Man loves woman and vice versa but is reluctant to marry her because she spoke with him... therefore she may speak to another man after she secures him as husband. With all due respect, and although I know there are numerous cheating wives, you men forget that she spoke to you because something about you charmed her and she fell in love. Seems it is never a win-win situation..sigh

2007-10-05T16:05:00.000+02:00

Masochism, bad luck and incorrect choices

The dictionary explains that 'masochism' means any of the following depending on the situation:

1. Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
2. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
3. the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
4. the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.

1,2, and 3 are clearly out of the equation but could my recurrent failed attempt to find and hold love be an expression of my " tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc" ? This is the question that continues to stare at me in space. Could this be the reason the hurt and pain that has constituted the bigger part of my life spent in search of that mate and partner the failure to create a successful team and joint partnership or is it simply down to luck and incorrect choices?

Retrospectively and with hindsight I can pinpoint the exact moment where the detour occurred which launched arelationship into 'destruct mode'. Yet was that moment really my fault, or have I offended Fortuna, Ganesha and Benten simultaneously? o r is there no such thing as bad luck but only God's providence?

The third option would be incorrect choice, is it possible for one human being to continue making the wrong choices for decades with history continuing to repeat itself in a predictable manner from the initial spark of attraction to the bittersweet end.

I struggle on a daily basis with these theories, questions like 'what if I had said or not said a particular statement' rise in a crescendo and cascade like hammers on my brain while wave after wave of pain constrict my heart and only recede to die a slow excruciating death on the beaches of my soul, leaving memories of raw flesh exposed and battered by the elements.

It is the last and third leg of Ramadan 2008, I don't want to commit blasphemy by questioning God's wisdom especially when he has these beautiful words for us, urging us not to give up on his Mercy despite our deeds.

قال تعالى: قل ياعبادي الذين أسرفو على أنفسهم لاتقنطو من رحمة الله

Yet I can't help thinking: Where are the real men? Am I condemned to an eternity of hermitage or do eternal and infinite peace lie only in death?

Wishing you all a blissful Eid soon in the company of your loved ones I will be hugging Pearl extra tight tonight.

2007-09-13T20:52:00.000+02:00

It's Ramadan

Happy Ramadan to you all. It's the second day for us here in Libya.

This blog will take a short holiday as we can't be discussing 'sensitive' topics, plus no one will be reading me anyway.

See you after Eid

Violet and Pearl

2007-08-19T19:28:00.000+02:00

In the heart or out of it ?

Have you ever wondered if 'out of sight is out mind' or does 'absence make the heart grow fonder' ?

What do you think ?

2007-08-09T18:26:00.000+02:00

Teeanage fantasies

I'm back from the holidays, Egypt was great and we had fun at my uncle's house in Alexandria. Some of my cousins are in their teens and they reminded me of myself at that age.

You know when you hit puberty all sort of emotions start raging inside you and I was not immune to that either. I would fantasize about a guy and usually the daydream would be like a movie with the main character him and me and romantic actions. I would describe this guy to my best friend in great details and she would sigh and laugh at me, then we would giggle. I spent a whole summer looking at magazines to find someone I could relate to. But there would always be a detail missing here and there. So many years have passed since I was 14, more than I care to say but at long last the fantasy has been brought to life. This man is the living incarnation of those fantasies.... what am I going to do knowing this vision is walking the earth !

HELP

2007-04-29T21:56:00.000+02:00

Five things you did not know about me

Shlemazl tagged me (thanks), I am so excited as this is the first time someone does ...

(1) I am not that old !
(2) My daughter will soon be as tall as me .
(3) I love tight jeans and miniskirts
(4) I read a lot ( yes I do ! )
(5) I like horses and wish to learn to ride one day.

Whoever has not done this please consider yourself tagged..

2007-04-07T17:35:00.000+02:00

'Draw me closer' : don't push away my outstretched hand

I don't kow if you've had the time to check my sidebar ? I've collected a number of interesting (to me and I hope to you as well) bloggers, whose common denominator is romance and erotica..

Sheema Kalbasi is from Iran and How it goes naked is her 'literary journey'.

This is my favourite bit:

"I want to be virgin of all the memories, and the life experiences but you. I want to be a markless paper and be marked by you. I want my past, present, and the future to have your name on it. I want to have a body that can be made love to by you uninterruptedly. I want to have a heart that has one city's name on it, the city where you ARE at any given time. I have been handed this love generation after generation to find you somewhere close or even from far to let you know of the truth. Take away the roaming features of Sizdah Bedar from my memory. I want to survive the aching for my homeland from the edge of this country.
Draw me closer. I love you" [read more]

2007-04-07T17:22:00.000+02:00

Back

I missed a lot, trying to catch up ! Thanks for still reading me ...

2007-02-13T20:16:00.000+01:00

Soul mates & Endless love : The eternal question ?

I had forgotten Valentine's Day but an hour ago the phone rang, an overseas call since I cannot see the number…

He : Hello sweetheart
Me : Hello
He: I missed your voice and am basically calling to tell you Happy Valentine habibti
Me ( oh my God it's him ) : Thank you …soooo much that is so sweet of you

The rest of the conversation was simply catching up on each others news… that's how life is..

Then a bit later my eyes alight on this piece of news "can you have two soulmates?" this is very weird I ask myself can you love 2 people simultaneously, how can that happen ?

Well, I think there is only one soulmate and you are lucky when/if you get him/her… but folks what do you think ? wanna share ?

In the meantime Ladies and gentlemen allow me to share with you my most favourite Valentine card – it's 22 years old now:

Today, I'm feeling the distance between us a little more than most days..
I'm missing your smile, your touch, your easy ways.
I'm feeling a little lonelier than usual,
thinking of you a little more,
and missing the way I feel when I'm with you.
Today, like everyday that you are away,
I'm missing you and wishing you were here...
only today, I find myself wishing just a little bit more.

(Unknown author)

2007-01-12T10:34:00.000+01:00

2007

Looking through my profile , I just realized that this blog has been online for over a year now since November 2005, I missed the birthday !

I also have not blogged for a while was too busy with Pearl and family issues.

So here is a late Happy New Year and Eid !

2006-12-28T19:05:00.000+01:00

Men Are Hard To Please

The problems with GUYS:

If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;

If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.

If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from KAMPUNG.

If u ARG UE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;

If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.

If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;

If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.

If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;

If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.

If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;

If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.

If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;

If u don't, he says that u don't TRUST him.

If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;

If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.

If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;

If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.

If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;

If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEM A N.

If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;

If he does WELL, it's BRAINS.

If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;

If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please!!!!!

If u send this to guys, they will swear that it's not true.......
but if u don't, they say u are selfish.....

Guys is this true ???????

2006-12-01T17:06:00.000+01:00

Training the American male

Michelle Fitoussi , in Elle magazine French version, had an interesting article on page 7 of the July 10 2006 issue ( I know it's funny we are in December and I'm ready the July issue, but I have so much on my plate ... ) So anyway Michelle was speaking about some American writer who wanted to train her man to behave the way she wants to and wrote about it to describe the procedure .

Why waste more time I thought this is cool let me find this article and read it first hand.

Modern Love
What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage
By AMY SUTHERLAND
Published: June 25, 2006

Excerpts

"As I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, irritated. "Have you seen my keys?" he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and stomps from the room with our dog, Dixie, at his heels, anxious over her favorite human's upset.
In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned off the faucet and joined the hunt while trying to soothe my husband with bromides like, "Don't worry, they'll turn up." But that only made him angrier, and a simple case of missing keys soon would become a full-blown angst-ridden drama starring the two of us and our poor nervous dog. Now, I focus on the wet dish in my hands. I don't turn around. I don't say a word. I'm using a technique I learned from a dolphin trainer.
[...] I wanted — needed — to nudge him a little closer to perfect, to make him into a mate who might annoy me a little less, who wouldn't keep me waiting at restaurants, a mate who would be easier to love. [...] Eventually it hit me that the same techniques might work on that stubborn but lovable species, the American husband.
The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. [...] You can't expect a baboon to learn to flip on command in one session, just as you can't expect an American husband to begin regularly picking up his dirty socks by praising him once for picking up a single sock.(LOOOOOL) [...]
I followed the students to SeaWorld San Diego, where a dolphin trainer introduced me to least reinforcing syndrome (L. R. S.). When a dolphin does something wrong, the trainer doesn't respond in any way. He stands still for a few beats, careful not to look at the dolphin, and then returns to work. The idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behavior. If a behavior provokes no response, it typically dies away. In the margins of my notes I wrote, "Try on Scott! " [...]After two years of exotic animal training, my marriage is far smoother, my husband much easier to love. I used to take his faults personally; his dirty clothes on the floor were an affront, a symbol of how he didn't care enough about me. [...] When the training techniques worked so beautifully, I couldn't resist telling my husband what I was up to. He wasn't offended, just amused. As I explained the techniques and terminology, he soaked it up. Far more than I realized. [...] One morning, as I launched into yet another tirade about how uncomfortable I was, Scott just looked at me blankly. He didn't say a word or acknowledge my rant in any way, not even with a nod.
I quickly ran out of steam and started to walk away. Then I realized what was happening, and I turned and asked, "Are you giving me an L. R. S.?" Silence. "You are, aren't you?"
He finally smiled, but his L. R. S. has already done the trick. He'd begun to train me, the American wife."

The piece above reminded me so much of how I handle Pearl; praise here , punish here , subtly giving the message , just the usual life of a mother or Supernanny ( do you recall the TV series ? ).

Funnily enough many people wrote to Amy for advice :

Dear Amy: How do you get results from stubborn hubbies without being accused of
being the “nagger.” — Gail, Tampa, Fla.
Dear Gail: Simply adopt the approach
progressive animal trainers use: reward behavior you like and ignore, as much as
you can, behavior you don’t. When I did this with my husband, I found that I
almost stopped nagging. Almost, I say, because I am human, after all.

It also seems past literatture is ric\ch in books with the same message, such as in 1994 "how to make your man behave in 21 days using the professional dog trainers" - hilarious - what is it with men and dogs ? check the excerpts:

Doggie Dos and Don'ts: "Gentle strokes and playful petting techniques are
positive motivational techniques for rewarding good behavior."
Flight and Chase Behavior: "If your dog is running away from you, the worst
thing to do is chase after him . . . remain calm, act like you're having loads
of fun without him, and soon he'll be trotting eagerly back ."

Some people compared men to buses - ok less offensive than dog I daresay.

"Bloody men are like bloody buses - you wait for about a year and as soon
as one approaches your stop two or three others appear. Wendy
Cope" check her whole poem here .
That's actually quite appropriate to my earlier Baby post .

Do you think we should treat our men like kids ( or dogs ;-) ) and use all those expert advices on them ?

Why can't men be just like women and you don't need to resort to any stratagems ?

Do you think Amy's method would work on Libyans ? Or Arabs for that matter ?

2006-11-24T23:33:00.000+01:00

The Baby

After years of waiting you are given the chance to have a baby with the love of your life .... what do you do ?

Having a child toghether was our living daydream, his eyes and my skin colour, my hair and his long legs, etc.. the baby was going to be the cutest thing you ever saw walked the earth.... but hey it was only a dream to be indulged in . He has his own kids and I have Pearl ....

I'm not sure what happened, midlife crisis maybe ? but now suddenly after I had accepted that he will only be my mentor and best friend and after I have stopped thinking about him as a father to my kids ... he comes up out with this suggestion out of the blue :

"let's have that baby as soon as possible ! He /she will have my name, I will be
responsible for everything"

Oh my God ! what do I do ? is he asking me to marry him now after all these years ? He knows I won't be having any kids out of wedlock .. no matter how much I would be crazy in love..
What would you do ? share a man you loved with his family and fulfill you past dream safe in the knowledge that he will take care of you forever. Or go and have your baby with a man you love but don't need to share with anyone but at the same time where nothing is guaranteed except the excitement of starting a new life, new horizons and no complications .......

I like the following prayer very much: [ref] , when i find myself at loss .... but really the timing of this request is very very strange

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things which should be changed,and the
Wisdom to distinguishthe one from the other. "

Would you have his baby ? whose baby ? Life is really ironic first you have no choice and suddenly the choices are limitless..... do good things really come in threes or is it a poisoned chalice ?

Clarification 26-11-06 I see some readers did not understand :) the question is should she have the baby with her old love or new love ?

2006-11-07T16:02:00.000+01:00

In sickness and in health, till death do us part !

We've been having a lot of sexual content lately I thought I'd tone it down and talk about another important topic between couples. Namely when the man acts like a jerk ( the woman does sometimes too by the way , but this blog is about women experiences , but men are welcome to share their own pain of course ), and Libyan men are not exempt from being total jerks either.

It has always been my understanding that marriage was a serious union -even a steady partnership is or the intention of marriage , and regardless of religious concerns I love the wedding vows expressed here , and if I get married again I intend to insert them somehow in my ceremony. I think the part below is the most meaningful to me and I 100% uphold and believe in it !

"I X take thee Y to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to
hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in
sickness and in health, to love, honour, and cherish, 'til death do us part, and
thereto I plight thee my troth."

But you are asking what brought this to my mind ? Well I met recently with a sister of one of my university classmates, and when we spoke about her sister A. she told me she was married and had two beautiful kids in America. So I took her phone number and immediately called her to congratulate her and talk about old times.

You see A. has a special story, which affected me immensely when it happened. Having spent part of her childhood in America, A. was one of those Libyan girls whose dream was to go back there. All her efforts were geared at securing a Libyan fiance among the US community. It seemed that her dream came thru when she was bethroted to one from a good family. To speed up the process of her visa application they had the Qiran or Nikah contract ( marriage contract) and were officially married without consuming the marriage until her real wedding night though. So marriage on paper still. But she was in everything his wife and was preparing for the day she will be wearing the white dress and pack her belongings and move with him in the home they bought toghether in Detroit. He came to visit in the last summer a few weeks before their marriage party. Invitations were sent to over 500 guests. Camels were bought, sheep were purchased, halls were rented, sweets and food was ordered, all the hullaboo following a Libyan wedding of a first born child.

A. was adamant that she will start her new life by putting into practice what she and N. had agreed on : never to hide anything from each other, and so she decided to tell him about her very recent surgery.
A few weeks before he came, A . felt a lump under her right armpit near her breast, she went to have it checked and had a biopsy and was diagnosed as benign lump; but was adviced to have it removed. Which she arranged for, the incision was not too big and the scar was minimal and not too disfiguring in fact quasi unnoticable. But nevertheless A went ahead and told him, wanted to share her fear and how thank God it was fine, wanting to hear a kind word , wanting a caress , tenderness and love, and most of all understanding and affirmation that she did the right thing and that such a tiny scar was not going to be a problem.

A was about to have her illusions shattered, the cold shower she received , was something she told me she will never forget for as long as she lived. Where did the love go ? where did the tenderness go ? where was the understanding, where were the vows and promises of devotion ? Nothing , the moment was broken and N simply got up and told her " I'm sorry you should have told me about is last week, I would not have bothered to travel all the way to Libya. Your divorce paper will reach you tomorrow ! " and he turned round and left. ... Gone was the dream .. I recalled she called me and made me promise not to talk about this , as tongues would wagger and her reputation would be tarnished . "But you did nothing wrong A, what are you talking about! he is the jerk , he is not worth it, imagine what would have happened if you only learned about his attitude after you actually joined him there ? you are so lucky you found out earlier on , before you actually consumated the marriage. " . "Yes but I'm divorced now " , "so what" I said " divorced is better than abused outside your country and far from your family. You will find the man you deserve. Don't worry ! "

That is exactly what happened, 3 years later, a lovely man also living in America as she always wished, married her , and now they have toghether a boy and a girl, she is tracing her dreams of further education, a home , a job and a family. Hopefully that first jerk will get his come -uppance, dropping her because he thought she may be ill or have a scar and was less than perfect ? Imagine if she had become seriously ill along the way , would he have thrown her out like a used rag ?
Moral of the story , if your man is not prepared to love you just the way you are and support you when you need him most , then seriously to hell with him.

This also reminded me that not being bound in life to someone because sometimes life sucks , does not mean that the person stops sensing or caring what happens to you, and I guess here the 'till death does us part ' bit can still somehow apply. This was eerily demonstrated to me on moult occasions when out of the blue he calls , or demonstrates his tenderness, and how he is still loving me ...
When I feel let down by the whole world I can't forget , how he loved me and still does even when I looked like a scarecrow with all sorts of injections and monitors sticking out of my body for 3 months in hospital , just because he had promised to marry me! How he bribed the nurses to let him come visit me at night after my parents were gone. Of how he looked at me with puppy eyes even though I was diagnosed with a debilitating disease. Of how he never gave up on me and helped me with the oxygen and breathing exercises, and of how my muscles became so weak I had to be wrapped in sheets to be able to stand up and learn to breathe again. And he was through it all facing everyone against all odds until one day I miraculously got up and recovered.

Though he had his problems and we ended up separated, it is difficult when a woman has experienced such a high standards of care to settle for less. I find him calling out of the blue, each time something happens to me, it's like his radars are always on the lookout.
For him I will never grow old , and will remain forever his' Amarige princess'.

Hint for any next romantic interest , you better not disappoint me when I need you most , or you will break my heart, or worse really ruin my health, and you know what I will probably be too shy to even tell you about it.

2006-10-29T22:38:00.000+01:00

Erotic mail

If you dream of suggesting a move , a date, or anything hot, and are either too shy to say it in person or are too far apart then Hoochymail is the answer to your erotic imagination.

snippet :

HoochyMail is the first internet service that allows you to create a thrilling,
explicit erotic fantasy about yourself and your special someone, doing all sorts
of exciting and sexy things, in all sorts of exotic and interesting locales!

I have made it a point to test it for your edification and must admit it is POWERFUL , especially when you see your name and that of your object of interest; boyfriend, husband, partner or lover in the starring roles , intertwined together literally and physically .

It is also an alternative to those of you who are engaging or wish to engage in cybersex , as a natural follow up to my previous posts on this topic :)

Cybersex 1
Cybersex 2
Cybersex 3

"[...] getting to know a partner on-line may be a nearly spiritual enterprise.
[..]It's mind to mind and spirit to spirit talking [...]You focus on who he is,
on the inside. Then if his outside is a little heavier or a little shorter than
you expected, it doesn't matter because you already love his soul. [ref] "

Here is part of the test story a special Hoochymail which I have created for my readers right on time for Halloween :

"Khaled nearly fell to the ground, only to see the cat lady, still before him on
her knees, lapping up every bit of his semen and licking her paws clean. She
looked up at him and for a moment, he was so sure it had to be Violet.And yet he
still wasn’t sure at all.
“Meow,” laughed the cat lady, still wearing her
mask, as she stood up to face him. “Well, there you have your treat,” she
smirked. She pranced over to the front door. “Wait a minute,” Khaled called,
watching her open the front door, “Come on, now, who are you, really?”The cat
lady looked over her shoulder, winked at him and disappeared into the darkness,
calling back to him, “That, my little Halloween goblin, is the trick!”

I'm not sure if Libyans are doing it ( I know they have phonesex) but it is an avenue to be explored no ? what do you think?

2006-10-21T00:24:00.000+02:00

Those sexy Arab women

Thanks to Rambling Hal, (Hal you are a treasure throve!) I stumbled today on this interesting blog from Dubai to add to my collection of hot Arab women ( see my blogroll for that).

"Past experience has proved that people always look mysteriously dark and
handsome through tinted windows – the dark makes EVERYONE look better than
normal (that's why women like doing it with the lights off)… until the guys roll
down their windows and you realise you've just snared an ogre."
From Sex in Dubai !

2006-10-10T00:51:00.000+02:00

The Signs of time

Evolution :)

2006-09-24T22:58:00.000+02:00

Ramadan : 'can I kiss him during the day ?'

"My husband wants to follow my mom’s footsteps and try to fast for a few days. I
explained to him the rules; I told him that he can’t drink water, eat food, have
any sexual thoughts, smoke cigarettes, swear, lie, steal….from sunrise to sunset
for a whole month….He said,” I can’t hold you during the day?”"

Reading Leilouta's words in her posts about Ramadan here and here and about her husband, teleported me into the past, to the days when I wanted to know how married couples behaved during Ramadan. Should they cut the sweet talk, the hugging , the tenderness, the kiss before going to work etc... what if they are making love before sunrise ?

All these issues seemed important to me. why ? BecauseI was infatuated with a guy I intended to marry and was not sure whether I should treat him as a stranger as soon as the sun rose . Also the same guy used to take my hand to his lips and kiss it tenderly in Ramadan when we met . So was that haram ? was it lust?

I wanted to ask without drawing suspicion at my sudden interest in the subject . I mean I was not married nor engaged, why ask if a simple non-lustful greeting kiss would invalidate my fast ?
So it was a bright idea to ask my best friend who was pretty conservative and well versed in fiqh.

Violet : "S. habibti , how do married couples behave in Ramadan ? I mean should they sleep in separate beds ? "
S. : " no of course not after sunset they can do what they want"
Violet: " OK what if they did 'you know what' just before the sun rises , do they have to hurry up and wash and purify , it takes all the romance and fun out of it ..."
S: : "no they don't, they can stay in bed until it is time to get up and shower etc.. as usual. Islam is supposed to make your life easy not more problematic "
Violet: " ah ..OK. What about hugging her before going to work for example and giving her the usual tender kiss?"
S. : " I think that's fine too. Expressing emotions is OK you know Violet , you love someone and you want to show that to them. God does not want you to stop demonstrating affection because you are fasting. You are abstaining from food , sex and gossip , not from love and affection. So if you are keeping it decent it is fine to be affectionate."
Violet: " ah you put my mind at rest , I was thinking I needed to avoid my husband throughout that month "
S: " wait a sec you are not even married and you are asking all this , what's up with you ? you going out with someone or what ? Plus you know married couples sometimes don't even wish to hold hands".
Violet ( going red in the face and stuttering) : "well I'm asking for when I get married .."

So I decided that since I loved my boyfriend and he was kissing my hand as a show of affection (because he was not going to be allowed much else) therefore what he did was not haram .
S always looked at me in a funny way afterwards ....

My own fatwa: only you know what lies in your heart, if it was lust then it is haram , if it was affection then it will stop at that.

Happy Ramadan !

2006-08-13T22:58:00.000+02:00

The Birthday

Yesterday the phone rang while I was preoccupied with another issue. So I picked up without looking at the ID.

Violet: Hello !?
Voice : Hello Violet , it's me , you're the first one I have spoken to today , it's my birthday and I thought I'd call you for old times sake...you forgot ?.
Violet: I'm so sorry , Happy Birthday, I totally forgot, this year I have not remembered any of my friend's birthdays ...
Voice: It's ok ...I just missed you ... I've been so unhappy - will you ever forgive me ? can we get back toghether, I'm divorcing my wife.
Violet: So sorry to hear these bad news , but no it's too late , I've told you before did I not ?

The conversation continued with some banalities from my side , while I was thinking of a way to cut it short without hurting him.

Each time he calls , he opens the wounds anew, how on earth am I going to heal and stop comparing..It is so hard at times to be strong when you get lonely and you miss the arms, the kisses and the whispering voice..you tend to forget the bad times that made you drop everything and leave and only recall the big love that you thought would last forever. And I tell myself , he has changed , shall I fill the big emptiness inside me again and take him back...there was a time when I believed he was perfect... but since I'm saying 'was' that means he is not and I no longer think of him as perfect...

Oh for those innocent days on the beach when we would swim till we got tired , then eat a pizza or tuna sandwich with juice and salad. Oh for the days when he kissed the floor I walked on and the shoes I wore. Oh for the days when he slept under our balcony and left poetry and flowers on my car - what happened ? why? where has all this gone ?

Damn you A for making me see those ghosts ......

2006-08-06T19:59:00.000+02:00

Advice from my best friend

"do not EVER show someone you care too much unless you're married"

2006-06-11T17:42:00.000+02:00

Figuring out a guy

I’m always fascinated by how we ladies view female-male relationship. Personally it seems that I never stop analyzing men’s action with my best friends. We would actually relish setting up a date to meet over tea and sweets and seriously sit down and discuss and psychoanalyze the relative merits of our current crush/love/boyfriend/husband whatever…..We wanted to decipher what kind of messages the guys were giving us, based on which we could decide on the next move. If you thought it is difficult to understand a western man’s motives and actions try doing that for a Libyan guy with all his controversies and frustration. Good luck with that ! I’m sure you will give up from day one and think like the Tunisian proverb ‘t7ib tifham iddhukh’ .

However, I’ve been reading the following book ‘he’s just not into you’ and I realized that barring a few cultural details there is not much difference about the messages men give women whether in the West or in Libya ( or Arab world – we need input from other Arab readers as well not just Libyans).

Editorial review

For ages women have come together over coffee, cocktails, or late-night phone
chats to analyze the puzzling behavior of men. Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
are here to say that -- despite good intentions -- you're wasting your time. Men
are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are
no mixed messages.
The truth may be, He's just not that into you.
He's
Just Not That Into You -- based on a popular episode of Sex and the City --
educates otherwise smart women on how to tell when a guy just doesn't like them
enough, so they can stop wasting time making excuses for a dead-end
relationship. This book knows you're a beautiful, smart, funny woman who
deserves better

After finishing the reading this is the moneyshot :( italics are my commentary)

(1)He is just not that into you if he is not asking you out:

-If
he makes an excuse then take it as polite rejection
-Don’t ask him
out because just because you like to lead doesn’t mean he likes
to dance
-If he wants to find you , he will.
-Men don’t forget how much
they like you. So put down the phone .

(2) He’s just not that into
you if he’s not calling you (men know how to use the phone - even if they
say they are busy ).

-So if he’s not calling you, it’s because
you are not on his mind. And if he tells you ‘call me’ , then he really
does not care about you.

-Don’t be with someone who does not do
what they say they’re going to do.
-Busy is another word for" asshole".
"Asshole" is another word for the guy you are dating.
-You deserve a f***ing
phone call.

(3) if you don’t know where the relationship is going
, it’s okay to pull over and ask.
(4) when men like you they want to touch
you always.
(5) he’s just not that into you if he’s having sex with someone
else
-Cheating is cheating
(6) he’s just not that into you if he
does not want to marry you – love cures commitment phobia.
-Doesn’t want t
get married is different then does not want to get married to me. So beware
of the difference maybe it is time to take an inventory
(7) I don’t
want to go out with you, means just that. A break up is a definitive action, not
a democratic one ( I love this ). So cut him off and don’t take him
back no matter what excuses he musters.
(8) He’s just not into you if
he’s disappeared on you; sometimes you have to get closure all by
yourself=> there is no mixed message here.
I like this
particular one and all its subheadings :)

-He might be lying
in hospital with amnesia, but more likely he’s just not that into you.
-No
answer is your answer
-Don’t give him the chance to reject you
again
-There is no mystery – he’s gone and he was not good enough for you. ( I’m sure many of us have agonized over this one ) .
(9) He’s just
not that into you if he’s married ( and other insane variations on being
available) ; i.e. if you’re not able to love freely, then it’s not really
love .
Hmm after reading this it does shed light on Fozia’s
dilemma here. I’m sending her an email to explain this attitude
now. Fozia my dear the man was just stringing you along and had no intention
whatsoever. He only met you to satisfy his curiosity and no he did not feel less
of you because you had phone sex. Hope you get your closure. The guy is a jerk
and is using his son to gather sympathy! He’s a loser and you are much better
than him.

(10) he’s just not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, a bully
, or really a big freak ; if you really love someone you want to do things to
make them happy.

So ladies stop trying to figure out someone, and reset your standards

And these are the standard suggestions according to the authors :

I will not go out with a man who has not asked me
out first
I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone
I will not date a man who is not sure he wants to date me
I will not date
a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable.
I will not date a man who
drinks and does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable ( well I would not date him
period )
I will not be with a man who’s afraid to talk about our
future
I will not under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man
who has already rejected me
I will not date a man who is married
I will
not date a man who is not clearly a good, kind loving
person.

I’m sure we can provide plenty or personal examples of all the above mistakes , as some of us seem to me masochists and attracted only to those guys with whom the relationship is a dead end. Maybe you can email me or post your ‘mistakes’ and share them with us ?

I would be glad to put them online for you. After finishing this book, I realized that deep down inside my friends and I did ‘figure out’ those men -who where emotionally unavailable to us -correctly. However if we had not dropped them immediately it was through fear of loneliness, not finding a suitable partner, pride or just plain not admitting that we could have been wrong about someone, and ended up wasting so much time with a loser. Seeing it written in black and white is so much better, that's why I'm sharing it with you all and I'm heading immediately to tell my friends about. I am definitely keeping this book for Pearl, just in case I grow to old and forget about these things later on when she starts falling in love.

2006-06-08T18:59:00.000+02:00

Courting in Libya: Part III

This will be the final installment for my attemtped 'essays' on dating in Libya. It is continued from this piece here . Because i've brought it up to date thepost is not as long as the previous ones as this is an ongoing development. Readers can add to these observations if they want.

Enough babbling go on and enjoy now :)

By the late 90s the girls became quite bolder, they are dating more than one guy at once and whoever asks them for marriage their will dump the others- that’s very callous and I’m really disgusted. With all due respect to the good conservative respectful girls this is what used to happen. Sometime this is the impression I got, it’s better than watching a TV show.

Basically they are doing everything a Western girl is doing but pretending not to. No one fears going out in a guy’s car, to his flat, to picnics, beaches, hotel rooms, and forests whatever. If it will make him marry you , you do it ! This is the decade where prostitution of Libyan young women has begun to be palpable . It was no longer the Moroccan guest workers (no offense to anyone – but that was our reality here), oh no, they learned from them and were competing now.

Of course there are the romantic and sweet and still well behaved men and women, but unfortunately they have in my opinion been outstripped by a vulgar bunch. The taxis became the pimps and means of transport, the cellphones gave freedom of communication and chatrooms and paltalk ( no idea why Libyans like it so much) etc multiplied.
How did you bump into a guy? Well he could be your colleague, classmate, friend’s friend, friend’s brother just like anywhere else in the world. But the frenzy to get married was always palpable.

My theory : it is because then you can be in a couple legally and have your independence from family as well. I don’t know why I’m cynical about it, it just does not seem that it was done to found a family;although I know ultimately a woman’s dream is that. I felt there was too much cunning involved on both sides.

Well the girls still have to plot and find excuses to meet with their boyfriends, and there are all sorts of fun stories and things taking place. But it just looks like the innocence was lost somewhere along the way with the encroachment of materialism and globalization or maybe I’ve simply grown too old finally to understand them.

2006-05-31T19:00:00.000+02:00

Pearl's 4th birthday

Pearl is 4 years old today, we were supposed to celebrate her birthday toghether, but this year she will be having a party with her grandparents and not with me here. So what am I doing ? my boss would not give me a few days off to travel and be with her, and making up for it by spoiling her rotten and fedexing all sorts of goodies to her.

Pearl wants a 'laaaaptooooop' & and an 'ibod' [sic] , she is so bright this sunshine that she knows how to get online faster than she knows other stuff. She knows how to get her favourite games as well. While I hate computer games.

She is too old for this since she already can use the ordinary keyboard and microsoft interface Funnily enough Pearl does not like dolls or Barbie so I can't get her that either. She prefer's guy's things ( if there is such a thing). So in the end I settled on one of these as it looks and feels like the real thing. Thank God for technology and the internet as I'm able to see her and speak to her online today ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING - TONS OF KISSES XXXX YOUR MUM

2006-05-25T22:02:00.000+02:00

Sex Academy

Yes you've heard right I can't believe my eyes when I saw this article in the news "Sex theme park to open in London" . People need to be thought how to make love ? Have people become that shy ? - but honestly I would not mind going to visit this place especially for this ;)

'The theme park will include life-sized silicone-made models which visitors
can touch to discover erogenous zones. '

That should be fun and watching the expression on people's faces

But this (below) promises to be even more fun ;) we get to see people's fantasies enacted live , where is my to do list ?

"People will also be able to build their ideal partner from a series of body
parts and there will be instructions on how best to kiss and how to talk more
sexily."

If you are interested in this museum if we can call it this way it's opening in September this year and it is something like the Kinsey institute I would say .
OK you must not think I'm some kind of pervert now ......just curious.

2006-05-23T18:58:00.000+02:00

Still loving you beyond the grave

4:00 AM – mobile rings

Me : Hello ?
Him: Hello – Violet how are you ?
Me : who is this please ?
Him: I’m sorry did I wake you up ? it’s me A
Me : Hi A. how are you ? is everything OK ? why are you calling so early in the morning ?
Him : I’m sorry I got mixed up with the time difference, I’m calling you from New York..
Me : OK well you scared , so what can I do for you?
Him: Nothing Violet , I simply thought about you while walking here and wishing how much it was you with me. I will regret till the end of my life to have agreed to let you go.
Me: I’m sorry you feel this way, but you have a new life now and beautiful children and a lovely wife , you should not be calling me like this , go spend your time with her.
Him: I can’t forget you Violet, you are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep….it’s out of my hands.
Me: A. you have to work harder on it, you’ve married the woman and she trusts you and no it is not right that you should call me instead of her.
Him: She knows it is you only I love, I told her when we got married, she has me but not my heart , that is for you only.
Me: A this is unfair, you are married and have kids , you go back home to the arms of a loving wife, I go back home to an empty bed so stop doing this.
Him: Well I called because I wanted to ask you which do you prefer? I’m returning on Monday to Tripoli, and if it was for me I would buy you everything that was in the shops here in New York, I can imagine you in every outfit, so what would you like me to get you? Or shall I get you some gold trinket ? I know you love that?
Me: thank you for the thought I appreciate it but please A you don’t need to buy me anything, I’ll accept this phone call as a present..
Him: Violet, everything you ever told me turned out to be correct , I’m so sorry I misjudged you before, now I know what you were talking about, I’’ve changed …would you marry me now if I divorced her? I can keep the children?
Me: No A I did not marry you when you were unattached, I certainly won’t now that you have a family. It is fine that you learned a lesson, make use of it my friend, if you need advice I’d gladly give it but please not at 4:00 AM
Him: I’m so sorry again, I wanted to buy you a present, and here everybody and everything conjures you to my mind…

I have not seen A in 4 years and he still can’t make a decision without calling me….what do you do with a man who obsesses about you even though he knows it is a hopeless case. Everywoman wants the love which will go beyond the grave, but she wants also to be a partner in that love.

2006-05-19T17:27:00.000+02:00

Back to work

All good things come to an end... the vacation is over and I hope that not all my readers have deserted me . I have today and tomorrow to orgnanize myself to get back to work . It was a very nice and long holiday. I did not think that people would miss me, but it is nice that you have asked about me especially, Craig, Chris and Loulou :). You made my day!

As for Pearl she is visiting with her other set of grandparents abroad. Let's just say that they don't live in Libya. I miss my baby a lot but her grandparents have the right to see her as well and I should not be mean about it.

Meanwhile, I'll tell you a bit more about our adventures soon. I'm sure you still want to know about the dating scene in Libya and other hot topics ...

2006-05-11T20:16:00.000+02:00

Vacationing with Pearl

I know I've been away for a while , but you see I'm on vacationing with darling Pearl and my time is devoted to her and her only for the time being. Then she gets to stay with her other set of granparents for a few weeks and I will be able to blog again. So please I know you miss me but let me have my time with Pearl babe. We are at an undisclosed location abroad.

Kisses to all
Violet and Pearl xxxxx

2006-04-18T11:39:00.000+02:00

Cybersex ahem ...again ..

Following my two earlier posts on this topic here and here you probably thought this is a fad and would go away ? nope , it seems to be increasing .. I just came accross another blogger who is obsessed erm sorry ;) fascinated by the subject . Check what Jameed writes about it below:

" I have blogged a few months ago about the new high-tech way for pleasuring one’s self using such devices as the MatrixVibe and the iBuzz. Today, Reuters has a piece entitled “Future Sex: gizmos, robots“. What is happening here is that sex researchers, designers, marketing companies and porn stars have joined
hands to bring a whole new definition to “virtual sex”; a new field they dubbed
“teledildonics”."

We humans are pleasure beast no? Well Jameed concludes :

"Will I live long enough to witness the launch of gizmos that can provide a
person with a mental orgasm with a push of a button? Technology is only limited
by human creativity, and when it comes to sex, human creativity knows no
limit."

2006-03-28T19:20:00.000+02:00

Dating in Jordan

I was thrilled to read this post "to date or not to date " by Jordanian blogger Khalidah , she was talking about dating in Jordan and how the concept is evolving. If you liked my series about dating in Libya I believe this post and the comments it engendered would be enriching. My dating in Libya posts are of course not finished yet by the way.

2006-03-04T23:48:00.000+01:00

What's love gotta to do with it

عندما اسمع او أفكر بهذه الاغنية أحس كأن الزمان لم يمضي وكانني مازلت تلك المراهقة التى تعتقد ان الحب يدوم ابدا
"I`ve been thinking of a new direction
But i have to say
I`ve been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way
What`s love got to do, got to do with it
What`s love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What`s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken"

(Tina Turner -favourite song of all times.)

Is the first cut really the deepest, or are all cuts of the same intensity ?

2006-02-25T20:41:00.000+01:00

Dating in Libya

Courting is usually followed by dating, if you liked the previous post ....then here is how dating has evolved in Libya as I see it:

...So you’ve lied to each other for months or weeks, been on your best behaviour or had some ‘lover’s’ quarrels in which the winner was the one to hold out and not call the other first. You’ve made your dad broke on phone bills, and your brothers or sisters snigger when you answer the phone in that voice reserved only for him.
He thinks you are the Goddess of Sex incarnate and you think he is perfect marriage material, those hormones are at a loss and you’re weak at knees when you hear his voice, what next?
Next you wait for him to ask you to meet; you do not ask to meet him. Eventually that day comes, and he asks to meet with you on a date. In the 70s -80s you will not be able to sit at a café together, the few that are available are men’s domain, and you would cause a scandal by meeting there. But you have a few choices depending on HOW MUCH you want to sacrifice and your courage:

(1) meet in a street outside your area and stay talking at a respectable distance from each other; but risk having someone you know bump into you.
(2) Arrange to meet at the University café – only place where there are men and women sitting in public without anyone frowning.
(3) Go in his car (or a borrowed ca)r and either park somewhere discreet or drive around. Risks : someone may see you , and you’re toast , grounded.
(4) Go with him to a friend’s empty flat, or shop, or office. So not to risk being seen by others and ruin your reputation.However, by this you actually taint your honour as this guy knows very well what he is doing and he was testing how far you would go. Accepting this solution, unless he loves you very much, means you have failed, and are cheap and fair game, because now he is not going to try and meet you to discuss your future as a couple, but he is going to try to get you into bed or as close as possible to that. Now if you are caught, you risk a prison sentence for adultery, let alone pregnancy if you have been foolish enough and the least is dishonour, but you won’t get killed by your family or tribe. Some smarter girls take a chaperone who acts as a lookout as well.

Points 1-4 are not all as cynical as I make them sound, some girls enjoyed these things immensely, they were occasions to dress up - and putting a fruity or minted lip-gloss was risqué , the summum of sexiness. You also had to find a foolproof excuse to be absent for a couple of hours from home on a legitimate errand. This usually involved a lot of machinations. This was the 80s. I will leave it to the imagination of the readers as to what happened at those dates. But I can assume that like all relationship there was a 50/50 chance at success and movement to next step : the engagement. Most girls though did nab their man.

Enter the 90s, during those years we begun to be drowned with latino telenovellas and satellite TV, now the girls had other ideas at their disposal, universities were full and courting improving a bit over the earlier version, the guys stopped being total idiots. No girl was going to sweep the front door to see her man. Couples were increasingly acceptable on campus and the unfolding relationships we witnessed were very entertaining. The goal was to get your guy prior to graduation day! i. e. you get your degree + a ring on your finger. That was equated with success. Dating meant you got, valentine cards, and flowers, letters , teddy bears which became fashionable - you know the white ones with a red bow where the toy is holding a heart shaped red cushion with ‘I love you’ printed on it … How I loathe these, I think the Arab world has been flooded with them. My Arab readers ? do you recall those ? what about my non –Arab readers, did you OD on white teddy bears ?
If a man gets me one of these made in Taiwan white teddies I swear I will commit a crime !!!! Putting make up on was very much tolerated now, so some used and abused.
Dating also meant you get to go to a restaurant together.

These are all courting, flirting, dating and affairs behind your parent’s back.

While a ‘legal’ official courting was when the man who saw you out for example liked you followed you home then asked about you and brought his family to ask for your hand, then you had an engagement party and you spent a good time with your fiancée meeting legally, either suitably chaperoned lest dear Lucifer gives you ideas, or arranging secret un-chaperoned meetings ( see 2-4 again) link here. Another version is that you met through common acquaintances and again he asks to marry you either after a few phone calls or directly.

In 1995 internet and mobile technology was introduced but to a select few, while in 1998 everyone could access it but at exorbitant prices. By 1999, internet cafes were springing up everywhere and by 2002 many people had cellphones, by 2005 mobile technology was and essential part of youths and other’s everyday life and quite affordable. So how did the dating go during that decade up to now 2006?

We shall see … hopefully the fun continues =>

2006-02-14T14:31:00.000+01:00

Memorable Valentine

Since this is a blog about human relationships, then Valentine’s Day is an important date to be celebrated…Yes we know that it has been awfully commercialized but it is the thought that counts, so ladies and gentlemen:

Do you wish to share your best/worst/funniest/most embarrassing Valentine moments with the rest of the blogosphere ? yes ? please I’m begging you … post them in the comment section ..NOW !

Meanwhile, I will share with you my first one :

In my job I am known for being extremely serious (bordering on the boring in my opinion) ‘tight ass bitch’ if I may say so, and knowing that I am the youngest in the management floor you can imagine what the rest of the staff in my department looks like – yes on their way to retirement. Well anyway hmm , the receptionist calls me “Violet, you have a visitor” . I can hear the disapproving tone in her voice , “what have I done to earn her wrath, oh God let it be good news” I pray to myself while proceeding to the waiting area. A strong perfume cologne which I will never forget is wafting true. Our receptionist who is as older than my mum looks at me very very curiously, I’m still puzzled, but I thank her anyway. Then I go to greet the guest.. .....

There sitting on the leather armchair is a gentleman in a smart grey Armani suit, polished shoes, crisp shirt and silk tie, hair combed back to within a millimeter, tanned skin glowing and he is smiling at me . Oh my God! it is my fiancé , I have never seen him dressed this way. He looked like the heros from those Harlequin and Mills and Boons romances, he was perfect and his eyes were glowing with love. But that was not all oh no ......he was carrying an immense basket with thirty red roses – it was my first Valentine ever and I was 30 years old. As much as I was pleased I was sooooooooo embarrassed, my boss and colleagues never saw me in any situation where I could be considered a female. I could imagine the gossip especially that 2 or 3 people were already walking by. I took him to my office and I had to use firmness not to allow him getting familiar and making a spectacle of me. I thought he was going to take me in his arms in the lobby – I would have been mortified and my reputation in shambles.
What do you do with a man who loves you so much he actually took the day off to get you roses personally delivered on Valentine. He was so clear and honest in his feelings, while I had totally forgotten about the day and was dressed in my black suit as usual looking like a feminist ad !
It was a beautiful Valentine’s Day followed by dinner at a famous fish restaurant in Tripoli . But oh I got teased so much at work. We dream of one rose a colleague said and you get a truckload of them. The roses lived for many weeks… I don’t know about the love.

Happy Valentine’s Day with love from Libya…..

2006-02-01T18:34:00.000+01:00

Courting in Libya

As mentioned in a previous post, neither traditions, nor culture or religion are going to stop men and women (or people of the same sex – not to offend our homosexual readers) to be attracted to each other. Whether this attraction stems from pure physical love or love of someone’s soul, many will attempt to seek to meet each other physically to assuage that desire (body and soul) and those raging hormones. The process starts at puberty ( some scientific research say it is even earlier) and Libyans are no exception.

Now the interesting part is how as a Libyan do you reconcile your desires , peer pressure, traditions , culture and religion . That’s a heavy load to carry and I’m sure many other Arab societies are embroiled in the same jam. I’m not going to talk above the Muslim societies of South east Asia who have different customs, nor those in America. My main point is the Arab and Arabicised societies., but really specifically Libya.

From poems, songs and folk tales we hear the stories of the girls meeting the boys at the well, or while shepherding or farming or running errands or at social gatherings and traditional festivities, when eyes would meet, fingers would briefly touch and other description which are part of our heritage now. Not wanting to soil the honour of our female populations, but I’m sure some of these have experienced a little beyond the surreptious touch or the coal burning glances ? The desert is vast, while the caves provide lots of nooks and crannies for the lovers wanting to drink each others breath or gaze more intimately and away from prying eyes into each others souls.
Arabs are great lovers and romantics too ( you would not believe it but yes they are), and the annals of history are full of their exploits in that area. I once read on a forum an Egyptian girl saying that she met Arabs and non-Arabs, and that she finally got married to an Arab, she said and I quote ‘ once you go Arabi you can never go back ;) !’… Foreign guys please watch out, you got stiff competition out there ;)

Anyway we have established that shenanigans and romance have been taking places since as long as we can remember. My post will be concentrating however on Libya in the 20th-21st Century.

Looking at old photos of our uncles and aunts and parents, and sitting to hear their stories is a minefield of information on human behaviour. Cousins and their friends and neighbours also are great storytellers, and I’m going to deploy all this harvest at your fingertips.

Just because we are a conservative society does not mean there are no opportunities to meet people from the opposite sex, and if there are not, we create them.

In Libya you cannot bring a girlfriend/boyfriend and introduce her to your parents, it is just not acceptable, honour and reputation are involved, mostly the girl’s but even the guy’s. It may be viewed as hypocritical to do these things in the dark but that’s how it is

I recall the first Libyan guy to make a pass at me, it was so funny I could not help giggling in his face, I must have offended the guy, I just thought it was so immature that a man would behave this way, just coming straight up to me would have been easier. The guy first walked up and down my street, then loomed near our ‘kanchello’ or front door , then at the first opportunity that I left the house he would say ‘pssst psst’ and wink , now what did he think I was a cat or that I would blindly follow him?. He kept this maneuver for a few days then when that did not work he tried to pass me a folded paper ‘take this and read it please’, then he became so insistent and a fixture in my street that he was going to bring me trouble and family wrath so to get rid of him I finally took his folded paper, read the first and last lines which were professing undying love - a totally illogical idea at that moment for a 14 year old . Well I looked straight at him tore the letter to bits and threw it. He finally got the message.

But this is basically how it worked, the boy usually initiates it , you do not under and any circumstance initiate contact because then you are labeled fast , racy and cheap. Those days were hilarious, you had guys trying to give scraps of paper with their phone number. If you were interested dating a guy by phone was quite a safe thing unless your parents or brothers catch you, then you are punished by not being allowed to use the phone. The girls would usually pretend to be talking to their girlfriend by using girl names and feminine adjectives and pronouns, it was so funny to listen to them. The bolder ones would sneak the phone late at night in their rooms, now I don’t know what kind of conversation they had but I’m sure it was not about the ozone layer or the state of the Israeli –Arab war. A girl with brains was a looser. I never could do the phone talk thingy because first of all I was used to talking to guys on equal footing and plus my voice is so loud I’ll wake up everyone plus I was a coward as I knew the phone bill would show the numbers dialed ;) .

You talked on the phone either from your house or better from your best friend’s house . Why ? because your mum cannot tell your friend to hang up, and her mum cannot tell you to hang up , so there would be daily phone parties/visits, with lots of giggling and gossip.

After a prolonged phone relationship you were ready to move to the next stage? Which was to allow the object of your desire to get a second glimpse of you , that’s when he would tell you ‘I’ll be near your front door in 10 minutes and I’m bringing chocolates or something can you come out for a second?’ . For this you need a good excuse , like throwing the rubbish , or cleaning the doorstep with a broom, suddenly you are a paragon of housewifely virtue – your mum is flabbergasted as she’s been trying to get you to wash the doorstep since last week. So you’re there broom in hand sweeping the doorsteps in your best T-shirt and he passes by in his car (if he’s over 18 – more desirable i.e. marriage potential) or on foot then he is still in high school but since your are 14 , 16 seems old and wise to you. Depending on the situation on the street you post a lookout, one of your girlfriends or your little sister or brother – whom you will have to bribe later. And so you either go to the guy and say hi briefly or he throws at you a love letter and present. So cute isn’t it ? I always was the lookout since I did not dare do anything else , plus I was so obnoxious thinking this was sooooooooo pathetic. Why risk your reputation for 1 minute of seeing a snotty pimply guy … ah my friends were in despair .

Next step after that is to arrange for a date…in Libya ?
Stay tuned --- to be continued =>

2006-01-20T20:56:00.000+01:00

Revamped Teddy Bear

I’m a compulsive hoarder of images and photos, especially those sent via email. My reasoning goes this way: ‘this may be useful for something later on, save it’ or maybe it is something I plan on buying, so having an image of the product is more helpful.

Among those ancient collections of 2004 , I re-discovered this amazing product. Unfortunately I had not saved a link to it and so I had to go hunting today to get to the bottom of the story. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the “Boyfriend’s arm pillow”, yes you heard well. Others have written about it. So what ? why shouldn’t I spread the word …

Anyway the Japanese are always inventing amazing gadgets but this even more fun.
The pillow consists of a half a man’s torso ( life size) and an arm; and the arm contains an alarm which vibrates you awake . No comment . Girls what are you waiting for ?

The “Boyfriend Arm’s Pillow” is shaped like a giant arm which will hold you all night without the need for the real thing.

A revamped teddy for the 21st century ! I think it is a sweet idea ( unless you have your man around). We have outgrown the fluffly teddy bear, and admit it many still take their teddy to bed right? So exit teddy and welcome ‘boyfriend's arm’ plus you can change the shirt ..erm the ‘pillowcase’ ..comes in different colours.
My suggestion , spray your favourite men’s cologne on it and I guarantee interesting dreams. Plus many of us sleep with pillows in ‘various’ positions anyway. Now I’m wondering what was my intention when I saved that photo ? the novelty of the product ? it’s kinkiness ? or for future purchase? It certainly was not to blog about it.

Still if given the choice I’d rather the real thing –

Now check out what those Japanese have come up with as well, 'to provide a headrest that simulates the comforting lap of a tiny Japanese woman'? …noooooooo? YES ! 'her lap pillow' ( warning sensitive material ) - enjoy .

Samantha Benneth here made a study about this phenomenon, she says that 'cuddle parties' are the latest 'in' thing, and it turns out all we need as humans is to hug - females love cuddling so much ..so guys PLEASE don't be stingy because :

"[as] dispiriting as the Boyfriend's Arm phenomenon may be, it targets a deep need in women -- one that, according to the latest research, men do not share. A team at the University of North Carolina's medical school has found that nonsexual stroking can lower a woman's blood pressure as much as medication [..]The study found that when her partner strokes her hands, neck or back while she watches a movie, a woman's brain secretes 20 percent more oxytocin, a calming hormone that slows the heart. And the stroking produced much more oxytocin than holding hands, lying side by side or gazing into each other's eyes".

We in the ME tend to 'touch' people more, so there is no lack of hugging , and I'm sure the people in a relationship are doing more than merely hugging, nonetheless it's comforting to know that thanks to the Japanese, singles have an alternative option that does not need to be shamefully hidden away (from your parents) like those Ann Summers products.

So start getting your woman 'high' on those oxytocins , and watch out the end results .

2006-01-17T22:07:00.000+01:00

Thought

"Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women like to be a man's last romance"
(Oscar Wilde )

What do you think ?

2006-01-06T18:04:00.000+01:00

Sequel to cybersex : case no. I

Apart from your honest comments, the post about online dating and cybersex engendered a number of emails. As promised earlier , I'm posting some of them to give advice or find a solution... ok here is my favorite it is very long but worth it:

Dear Violet,

Someone at work sent me a link to your blog, I was surprised to find a Libyan woman discussing this in a public space. You don’t know me and I don’t know you but I think what you are trying to do is exciting. As a Libyan you know how much we talk about these matters when we women get together, but it such a novelty to find it here.
I never told this to anyone. 3 years ago I met an Arab guy. We started emailing, sometimes more than once a day, and got to know each other well I thought. Then one day, I had to go on a family trip with a very short notice. I emailel him about this and gave my phone number. He called me, and started phoning every night. I was madly in love, this fantastic man, with the voice of an angel and so knowledgeable was spending hours of his time with me. I wanted nothing but to meet him, he only told me his name and gave me his mobiles, and home numbers . I thought it was only a matter of time until he will reveal the rest about himself , send a photo and ask to meet my parents. You cannot believe how silly I was. Then one night when we were talking he went a little further in his suggestions . First I went along thinking it was sweet, he really was so romantic, but then the conversation became hardcore. I accepted it because I liked him a lot and was thinking men are liked that and this will keep him interested. He assured me it is all in the mind, a fantasy because we are not doing anything. I really don’t know because for sure for me it was mental. After that night he confessed that he was divorced and had a son and an ongoing custody battle in one of the most closed countries in the world. He said this boy was everything to him and that 's why he divorced his mother and will not have her back. Anyway he said he plans to marry but only after he gets custody so as not to give her any leverage in court.

I should have run as these were enough signals, but by then I was too fascinated by him, I thought I could be the woman of his life who will care for him and his son. (So what if he has a son that’s not a shame, and he did not want to advertise immediately until he knew me better).Well I found lots of rationalizing excuses. What tipped the scales in his favour was that he let me talk to his son, and the kid was adorable and obviously so happy with his dad. So I assumed that this man cannot be bad, he is taking care of a baby. He is mysterious because he holds a very sensitive position in his country.

One day I called and a female voice answered, hetold me his family knew about me. So when his sister picked up the phone I asked her ‘could I speak to X please? This is Y’. She told me ‘sorry there is no one by the name of X here you must be mistaken’ . I excused myself profusely and hung up on her. I checked the number just to establish that I was correct. Then a lamp lit in my head , ‘ok he is lying and his name is not x , but why ?’. A little voice was saying drop him , you don’t even know how he looks like, before it is too late. But I could not, he had played too much with my mind by then I really wanted him no matter what he looked like, he can't be a scumbag.
So next time he called I told him what happened and he said he knew and his sister did not hear me well and so she thought I was asking for someone else. Although i was not convinced , I pretended I was and rationalized again his behavor.Needless to say that he stopped with the letters when we started phoning. I was thinking this man is obviously brilliant why is he bothering with me when he could have his pick of women? What is his secret?

I went against my instincts and sent him my photo when he asked but imagine my shock and disappointment when he did not send his ?Excuses excuses, 2 years until I was able to get it. No I’m not a masochist but , I was in love or a bad case of infatuation. He wrote a long email explaining he will dedicate himself to his son and will not hurt him with a stepmother- that should have been my exit cue. By then it has become my challenge to get him to meet in real life, so I traced him from his numbers and found that the sister was right to tell me I had the wrong number because obviously I had asked for the wrong person. It was really bad trying to even hide your name why ? My fascination was like the moth going to a light, I have seen such wonderful brilliant aspects from his personality so I don’t know why he was doing this, it did not make sense.

His phone calls became rare , and the emails stopped . We met 3 years later. He was really, as handsome as I thought and as tender as believed he could be. His son was adorable. I had confirmation that he was truely divorced and he confirmed the name I had discovered before without even excusing himself. We did not have privacy as his son was a chaperone He proved to me his identity and I was impressed , the guy was who he was and yes he had a right to be secretive from his resume. But my criticism was that he could trust me after all those years? I thought he knew me because I had nothing to hide. I thought that was a good step and a new page towards the future. We had breakfast , lunch, coffee,snacks and dinner the three of us. I warmed towards them so much we went out on big walks and the people thought we were married.
That night I went back home with them and I watched him put his son to bed and wash him and read stories and stuff, he did not exclude me at all from the process. In fact his son asked him whether he was going to marry me. I felt very confident. I should have gone home the, but I did not. Mistake no. 3 . I remained because I wanted to have a private conversation without the child, I honestly had no hanky panky in mind. I was learning to address him in his real name when for 3 years I could not even pronounce it. I told him that I knew who he was etc.. and he said he knew that but he had feared for my life and did not want to get me in trouble by associating with him. He said such sweet things and the way he pronounced my name made me buckle at the knees, forgiving him all that he put me through. I let him kiss me and touch my breasts very briefly. He carried me tenderly to the couch and we sat talking. I told him I was not interested in sex I could wait, and anyway he did not want to either , I mean his son was across the hall right? This would ruin his custody chances. We could wait until the ruling. He pulled himself together , hugged me fiercely and took me to the guest room to sleep , it was too late to let me get back home. Boy was I glad that I had a foolproof excuse at home, no one was looking for me. He covered me just like he did to his son and went to bed.

I had such fantasies of a mutual life together the 3 of us and then later a little girl. I was living in dreamland. Rehashing his words that he had agreed to meet me this time, because he wanted to prove that he was everything he claimed to be, not a cyberfigure. He really was, a father and a gentleman , and a very very busy important man judging by the international call, faxes , telephones and the deference of the people, in addition to the concrete papers I’ve seen.

But this was my first night to sleep under the same roof of a strange man, I felt guilty, even if there was a chaperone. I had let the man kiss me. I was a bit hurt by that time that he left me to go sleep with his son. So I waited till morning and left very early home. I did not take the expensive present he had bought for me. I had no need for this.

I waited for his phone call, because my plans for the day depended on him. See I had cleared a 3 day empty slot for his sake because he had made that week especially for us to be together. But it was not going as I wanted. I wanted to hear the words ‘I love you’. And all he did was spend time with his son. We only met late for dinner that night. So I decided to stop seeing him, I had no time for heartache. He knows my feelings, I have nothing to hide and he knows were to find me.I had been patient for too long. I said farewell that night after dinner. I think he was shocked by my choice of clothes. I wanted to show him my sexy fashionable side as opposed to the day before .I wish I had remained conservative, I think he got the impression I was too wild and with the combination of my willing to spend the night at their home, that’s not what men are used to around these parts.

He never wrote back, he never called and when I wrote he said he was very busy with his son's problems and at work and simply had no time and 'no' was no forgetting about me.
I don't know what to think but I did not talk to him after that as I felt humiliated . What is weird is that he would still call me on important dates and feasts, he just phoned for new year . I'm very confused . Is that how guy's behave ?

Fozia

Ok readers, what do you think ? did Fozia make a mistake ? Does having online sex ( or phone sex in this case) jeopardize a woman's chance of success? Are you immediately labeled a slut just because you do, in a similar way as the girls who make out with guys in real life

I have my own question too it is about this rule that the women in Libyan keep warning each other about : Arab men are ALL the same. They will have fun with you then go tell their mum to find a good girl for them . Emphasis on the ‘good’ here. So don’t kiss , don’t show your body, don’t hug etc… if you want to nab the guy, you can let him touch your hand after a few months of dating but not more. Then there is the other crowd. Nothing keeps a man until you sleep with him.

So which crowd should a girl believe? In both cases the girls got the men they wanted. Pretty confusing I admit .

2005-12-31T12:19:00.000+01:00

Online dating and Cybersex

With the popularisation of internet and worldwide easy communication, it has become easier for people to meet online, if not in chatroom and forums than in specialised dating sites such as match.com and bentalhalal.com . These sites have mushroomed in every society and I guess they do tender to a need as there are many professionals out there who may not have the time to hang around singles bars or are too old for the disco/clubbing scene. Also in more conservative societies it is a click away to talk to someone from the opposite sex and if you are wise there will be no repercussions and perhaps a happy ending. It's kind of safer as you do not need to actually date or you can date when it is agreeable to you both at your own pace.

However cybersex is something altoghether different, this is purely physical and its protagonists do not go in with the purpose of romance and marriage but definetely for some kind of erotic fullfilment.Reporter Regina Lynn has ventured into this world and come back with this article about her experiences ....check extracts below:

"The best cybersex happens on multiple levels. You have a layer of reality in which you update each other about what's happening with your bodies"

"Then you have the "action" level, where you describe what you're doing together in the fantasy"

She is asking"Would you have cybersex with someone you met through an online dating site? Would you go on a date with someone you met through a cybersex chat room? "

She likes it so much that she now has her own user name oops . Please go read the whole article, courtesy of www.wired.com.

Over the last few years I have celebrated several weddings Arab ( at least 3 are Libyans) and non Arab where the spouses met online, I thought that was cute, but no one told me about their cybersex adventures.

Regina maintains that cybersex is good for couples who are physically distant, such as milatiry and so on ...what do you guys and girls think ? Do you have experience of online dating or even cybersex you wanna share * add mischievious grin here * . I can post , or you can post it and discuss.

Have a happy new year folks !

2005-12-28T22:27:00.000+01:00

The shorts and the bicycle

She has been daydreaming about Tripoli for weeks now. Her new school, a chance to make more friends, the beach, the warm weather, tons of cousins her age; it was going to be so perfect.

K was thirteen, and along with her three other siblings had waited for their relocation back home for a long long time, fantasizing their house, rooms and all the treasures they would discover.

The first few weeks of euphoria passed by without a hitch and she knew by now her way around the neighborhood. So the next time she had to run some errands like buy fresh bread or milk, K found it natural to jump on her bicycle and pedal away to her destination. The weather was hot and humid so she went out with her usual cropped jeans shorts, sloppy T-shirt and sneakers, not realizing she had just created a scandal.

“Wow hold your horses!” you’re saying, what are you talking about? Where is the scandal ? A teenager, on a bicycle, you are a raving lunatic.

And I tell you no, not yet. This scenario effectively took place in one of the Tripoli posh residential areas in the early 80s. Around that time a wave of conservatism had started to blanket the country and the hippy years and wild 70s were fading away.

K was unaware how attractive she looked with those gorgeous slim, long and shiny white legs. The lighter your skin tone the more attractive you are here. She was oblivious to the wolf whistles and remarks because in her innocence she did not associate this with her presence. She did not think she was doing something ‘taboo’ all of a sudden especially that many people from her parents’ generation were attired in all sorts of ‘revealing’ clothing.

After a few trips like this, her grandmother took her aside and told her “K, sweetie you have to stop wearing those shorts outside the garden”, “but why grandma’?”. I assume the grandmother herself was embarrassed to tell this girl the reason, she did not herself think it was particularly wrong but her neighbours were complaining and she could not let her granddaughter ruin her ‘reputation’ unwittingly. Caving in was easier, plus not everybody was fashionably westernized/ trendy, and when in Rome you better do as the Romans do, ain’t that right? The men were oggling her baby as a walking vagina and she was ashamed to tell her this.

The constitution guaranteed her freedom to wear what she wants, Islamism was not on the rise just yet, it was simply the mentality of the majority. A ‘decent’ girl would not do this, especially if she was better endowed then her peers and stopped looking like a child.

So the grandma’ told her that it was 3ayb in Libya to do this, that Libya was not Europe. That was the last day K rode a bicycle.

When I heard this story, I could not help feeling sorry for K, yet sympathizing with her grandma’s dilemma. She was not going to reform the mentality of her society, nor the hypocrisy of women who had worn miniskirts in their heyday and now were lecturing a kid playing with shorts. It was illogical. Yet that is what happened.

You are welcome to discuss the relative merit of who is right or who is wrong and how it could have been handled differently, but let me tell you; twenty years ago a teenage girl may get away with such and act, but in this day and age she would not have even dared do this.

A colleague of mine was telling me today how his daughter asked for a bicycle on her birthday. R is 19, she wanted it to go to university instead of getting stuck in the traffic jams and at the same time it would be good cardiovascular exercise. He did not refuse but told her that he would have to get into a dozen fights everyday with perfect strangers because of how they would treat R on her way to college. So she agreed to use the bicycle on their property and in the compounds specially designed for foreign workers. Is that not pathetic ? I get angry when a society concentrates on trivialities and leaves the bigger issues unattended. Who cares what you drive, or how much flesh you show?

It seems the objection was more for the shorts than the bicycle or is it the other way around?

2005-12-27T17:14:00.000+01:00

The Dowry - 2

Before we start this is a disclaimer: all stories posted are true but slightly novelized after translation from Arabic for your consumption, they do not necessarily reflect my opinions.

Last time we left A. languishing at home with her child after her divorce, she had lost her self -respect, was hurt by M.’s betrayal of their love and her sacrifice.

So what happened after he married someone else ?

Four years later he started asking to visit his son, isn’t that a bit weird you are wondering? Well it is, but what is the secret behind this change of heart ? The reason is that his new wife DID NOT get pregnant; in Libya after the honeymoon is over you start worrying if there is no baby on the way , so imagine the state of affairs after four years ? He had also probably matured along the way. To cut a story short he divorced his second barren wife and his visits to his son begun to grow longer and longer. He recalled the old flame and his heart warmed up? I mean here was a beautiful woman whom he ‘discovers’ he still loved, they had a son why not just reunite the family?
So he repented and proposed again. Yeah men can really have their cake and eat it right ? Because for any divorced woman marriage is a second chance such is the society that it is better not to be divorced (that has got nothing to do with Islam). A. wanted to return to him because she still loved him but she has learned a big lesson and the first one is that love is not all.

She let him simmer, and then this time around she had a proper contract with proper dowry after all he was able to get the stuff for his second wife right?

If I was in her place I would never take him back, after all he did dump her for a stupid argument and replaced her with a blink of an eye. But she was not a true rebel, only a girl in love and ‘yidrab il7ub shu bi zil ‘ says the Arab proverb.

And now what are they doing ? well they have four kids. And his second wife remarried and also had children she was not infertile after all. I like to believe that it was just God’s way of teaching M. a lesson in humility. He did have to go and seek her forgiveness no?

Would you have take him back ?

2005-12-26T19:27:00.000+01:00

Dowry or no dowry that is the question…

Libya is a predominantly Muslim Arab country, so in addition to its own traditions it has acquired many of the cultural aspects of Arab tribes and Islam.

Islam was a pioneer in women’s rights, and among them is the right to chose her own mate and have a marriage contract. Regardless of the variety of customs in Muslim countries, the woman will receive from her husband upon their marriage a ‘mahr’ or dowry.

‘And give unto the women, (whom ye marry) free gift of their marriage portions; but if they of their own accord remit unto you a part thereof, then ye are welcome to absorb it (in your wealth)’ (Quran 4:4, 90).

The marriage contract stipulates a dowry which the man pays to the woman , which could be of any value agreed upon even symbolic. It is a gift an expression of his love and appreciation. It is hers exclusively to use as she wants. Please note the difference from the European dowry which becomes the property of the father or the African ‘bride price’ given to parents to compensate the ‘loss’ of their daughter.

Fourty years ago, a Libyan woman’s dowry was not a specific amount, each man brought presents according to his ability. However, after the oil boom where Libya was catapulted from the poorest country in the world to one of the leading oil exporters, people changed and became greedy, the larger dowry signified higher status suddenly and consequently similarly to the Gulf countries and Saudi Arabia the dowries rocketed and marrying became a marathon track.

You see Arab men, but particularly Muslim men are required to provide for their home. So that means that the Libyan man has to get the house and whatever is in it and pay a dowry and upkeep his wife. I cannot pinpoint exactly the point in time when the dowry turned from negotiable to a fixed list of items which not everyone could afford as it costs a fortune. Sometimes the price of the items on the list would be sufficient to buy a car or even a humble house. In the 80s and 90s things really became overstated, but you could not back off as families were copying each other. If my neighbour has asked for something for example, her cousin would also want the same thing. In the long run this has compounded a marriage problem, men were marrying later as they needed to secure all the items on the list and women as a result were also marrying later.

In a society where you are supposed to be chaste (both men and women) and come to your wedding night a virgin (especially men), I’m sure you are aware that this is a recipe for problems.

Libyan weddings are very costly as they used to last for seven days and you had to feed the guests: slaughtering sheep, cooking for a minimum of 200 people on a daily basis, including your whole extended family and tribespeople. I mean it is a great tradition, but it somehow got shifted along the way, becoming a twentieth century add -on to an amalgam of Islamic, Arab and North African culture.

A problem many Leila’s face now is do they wish to forsake this dowry which has become larger and larger over the decades and establish a home but have no guarantees in life or wait till Qays is capable of providing all these material trappings? (note Qays and Leila are Arab Romeo and Juliette) but then there is also no guarantee, as apart for sexual frustration for years, the lady concerned may seem old and men could be such ‘bastards’ in this regard as to dump their fiancée for a younger woman.

Well one of my friends’ sister had been dating a guy for seven years, the guy was not one to play with her feelings and he officially asked for her hand. Her father who had other plans refused him five times on grounds that he was absolutely unsuitable for her. She was adamant and the guy must be praised for his persistence to be honest he never gave up on her. At the sixth attempt her father accepted seeing that it was better he does as his daughter was refusing other men anyway, and he has no right to force her to marry anyone of his choice – he can suggest but he cannot force if the girl sticks to her guns because the ma’zoun ( marriage civil servant and religious clerck) has to actually hear her say personally that she is marrying freely.

Anyway this girl is absolutely happy and there comes the day where the men from her fiancé’s family are sitting in the guest room with the men from her family discussing marriage arrangements, contract and dowry. A marriage contract in Islam is an excellent ‘weapon’ for the woman she can use it to have all the rights she wants including the one where she has the right to divorce him. This is her chance to make her stand in writing and it must be abided for. That is why I insist that Islam was a pioneer in women’s right 1400 years ago at a time when there was no civil law and nothing to protect the women whether in Europe or in Arabia.

So our heroine and let’s call her A., is madly in love, about to get her wish to be united under one roof with the object of her desires M.and she does not want anything to hamper this felicity. M. is a recent graduate .

A. thus barges into the middle of the conference where about twenty men are sitting, and shouts loudly “please don’t ask anything from M., I don’t want gold or jewelry or anything, no dowry and no conditions in the marriage contract”. Apart from stunning the elders and the men, she has made a grave breach of protocol as she should have made her wishes known to her father prior to this meeting.

In the name of love A. has relinquished her full rights.

Let us not dwell on the opinion of the men in M.’s family about her or on her family’s embarrassment. The wedding took place it was a beautiful affair, and A. gave birth to a son about 9 months later.

Is that the end of the story? You ‘re thinking why is Libyanviolet bothering us with these stupid details?

They say that the ‘intestines in our stomach fight’ ( when your tummy is rumbling), so as in every family there are bound to be misunderstandings and arguments between couples, it is a normal process which is usually treated by communication, talking , negotiating and compromise. So my guess is that one day the arguments got a little bit out of hand and voices were raised and to A.’s dismal and utter shock M. told her “ if you were not cheap your family would not have agreed to marry you without a dowry”.

That sentence was like a slap in the face, a dagger in the heart and went against all the sacrifices she made for this man whom she thought loved her, who did everything he could to marry her, and yet at the first sign of misunderstanding he reverted back to the chauvinistic ways. Insulting her because she had given up her rights for his love and to give him a head start in married life Because she has dared to break social established taboos for his sake, A. was hurt in her womanly pride she could not look at herself in the mirror and packed her belongings, took her kid and went back home. A. was hoping he will realize his mistake and how much he hurt her and come to apologize. But that never happened; he was able to divorce her easily and ‘cheaply’ because she had no conditions in her marriage contract. And he remarried another woman in the home they had built together with their mutual jobs, because she was stupid to believe in the sanctity of love and that his and her money was one and the same thing. It never is, that’s why God in the first place grants the Muslim woman the right not to use any penny from her privately owned money into the marriage pot. Look at how many divorces go ugly here and in the west for material reasons?

Do you want to know what happened next? I’ll leave you a little bit in suspense till the next post.
But I wished to discuss the morale of the story here.

Exaggerated dowries are neither Islamic nor traditional. It’s like the engagement ring that you buy when you wish to propose to your sweetheart, some buy a tiny mounted stone and some buy an egg sized rock while others make do with a plastic wedding band.

So A. did not want her husband to live in debt in order to bring presents as beautiful or as expensive as what was the norm in her environment, and that is her right, but in order to act like a non materialistic modern girl she has also chosen not to set any conditions and no rights. This marriage contracts is both a civil and a religious contract, in Islam they are both. So she has to take him to court if she wants any child alimony or whatever- it is not automatic. She has left herself literally powerless, and she only has herself to blame even in front of her family because she was the one who had defied her culture and got herself into a marriage with no parachute. In our culture she has ‘cheapened’ herself and offended the elders. Although no contract provisions can guarantee love and care, still it can make a person think twice before stabbing you in the back; at least you get out of the marriage with your respect intact because your partner will have to approach the matter with wisdom.
If she wanted to make things easier financially with him, she could have done so in a more intelligent way. There are two parts to a dowry, one is pre-wedding and the other is post- divorce. You can stipulate that your dowry with be ‘so and so’ before the wedding and write that it is not be taken in cash , so basically he does not have to pay it, and then the post- divorce one is the one which is payable upon divorce by the man. That is where the game is played. You can also not ask for all the gold etc… which was fashionable then but maybe only a part of it and write it down; everything can be put in contract or by word of honour in front of witnesses. You can stipulate that you wish to further your education, work, ask to be the only wife or even be an astronaut as long as the man signs it he is legally bound. But you never leave your contract empty because that is a recipe for disaster.

This story has taught me that even if a girl is head over heels in love, her Libyan suitor will have to bring her all that has become the norm in dowries if he can afford it, and also she should include very specific instructions in the marriage contract. In this way even if he loves her he will appreciate her more because he has invested a lot of himself in the relationship and not just emotionally and because we are ‘monkeys’ and copycats he can brag about the presents he brought her.

He does not loose as a man, because if she asks for divorce then she must return the valuables and relinquish her post-divorce settlement dowry while if he divorces her he must let her keep everything as that is her right.

Final word, do not fly in the face of some traditions because these have evolved for a purpose and knowing the mentality of the people; they work in regulating our society.

What would you do ?

2005-12-22T20:36:00.000+01:00

Off blog themes and controversy

The recurrent themes on this blog would not only be Pearl’s progress but also Libyan women. The Libyan woman is a mysterious entity. How does the Libyan woman cope under the forces of globalization, the encroachment of western values on Libyan culture , the conservative society she hails from, the secular mode of government she is under and the complete freedom it grants her, and how does she reconcile all that with her Islamic heritage?

The Libyan woman is sometimes a mass of contradictions. This is not going to be a policy essay. There are enough political blogs out there so I would not want to bore any prospective readers with the same theories.

What I would like to brainstorm and recount is how is the Libyan woman balancing between the East and the West, her dreams and aspirations as a female and her body and soul, because to alter (plagiarize ahem) Farooha’s words in response to this question

“G) Why do you like talking about matters known to be taboo to the female Saudi lot, like relationships with the other gender, and sex?

Because, I am human! I may be a virgin, but heck I got a libido.”

Bravo Farooha, I will say the Libyan women may have to be chaste but they do have a libido …

If you want to share your story of whatever nature – even gossip at work- dear Libyan ( others are welcome as well) I’m prepared to post it and be discreet about its owner , it would only be for the edification of our readers, plus a problem shared is a problem halved. The readers could comment and suggest advice perhaps. I can see it becoming a successful ‘aunt agony’or 'dear Abby' online. Plus it would titillate our senses as we all have a little voyeuristic side to our personality.

So let the letters come in, alternatively my email is libyan.violet@gmail.com

2005-12-22T20:33:00.000+01:00

Pearl

When I used to complain about excessive smothering, mother would tell me that once you become a mum yourself my dear you will know what I’m talking about. In my eyes no matter how old, wise and mature you become, you will always be that mass of crying flesh I held in my arms. I have to admit it , she is right! After Pearl was born, my life has turned topsy -turvey. Where once I was careless, now I had to take care of myself because someone depended on me. Someone absolutely helpless.
Just the thought that I might prematurely die and leave her unattended is enough to break my heart and keep me awake all night. I think I might have become too protective and must restrain myself for Pear’s sake.

Pearl is my baby daughter and she is the apple of my eye because I have waited for her for so long. If birth is miracles, then Pearl is a double miracle. She still does not know what I had to endure to bring her into this world, and I’m not just talking about the caesarian. The whole household had to make sacrifices and especially her grandmother. But I think that even at this tender age of 3 she has turned out to be worth every drop of blood and every tear of frustration. Darling Pearl I hope you will read this one day and laugh at your foolish mother.

I have grand plans for Pearl and I hope and pray that God’s plans for her are always full of brightness . She already knows the alphabet and can count to 10.
It is magical to listen and see her assimilate and learn new words every day. Never for one moment did it cross my mind that kids could be such fun. They need your fulltime attention and energy. I admire the women who raise several kids; my God they deserve medals of honour. One child is enough work to last a lifetime.

Of all the toys she has Pear loves my old battered teddy bear. I’m glad it is still useful and loved.

Pearl , baby you are beautiful and my little sunshine.

Love , your mum.

2005-12-04T17:20:00.000+01:00

Butterflies in my stomach

First post . What do you write? what shall I write ? why do I want to write. Maybe an introduction would be useful ? Technically I already have a first post here .Comment section works fine too in case anyone is interested please click on the 'post a comment' icon to read and post.

Ok I'm putting off the big moment huh ? So I'm a single mum in Libya , what does that mean ? only two options (1) either my husband is dead or (2) I'm divorced. Briefly he's not around so choose your own reply. I have beautiful daughter and she's the Pearl of my life. Let's call her P. since I will be refferrring to her often.

I have a mixed background, hence the multiracial, yes you guessed right I've lived for a quite a long time in foreign lands which makes me multicultural and ever so tolerant of human nature.

How did I end here ? It had to happen sooner or later don't ya think? I obviously am partially computer litterate ..the rest is history.

This blog is the diary of my adventures in Libya, you'll see everything from my eyes so expect it to be totally biased information, which does not mean I will spill my guts. But hey it will be first hand. No I won't post pictures of my kid or myself but probably some other stuff. If you stick around I promise the occasional laughs and tears and all the melodrama. Please be courteous and respect my sanctuary.

This diary will move like a stream, forward, backward and sideways. You will have to find where the dream ends and life starts.

I'll edit this post if need be.

2005-11-17T02:01:00.000+01:00

Libyan Violet

This photo from Caz who designs templates represents a goddess by the moon I shall use it on my blog from today if he does not mind.